Ex that dumped me 10 years ago contacted me out of nowhere.

[GoodyGoody]

A guy that I was briefly dating approx 10 years ago has got back in touch with me. I was hacked and my Instagram account was deleted a couple of years ago and a few months back I finally created a new account linked to my phone number. Within a couple of hours of my profile going up he was my first follower. He then text messaged me a few weeks later apologized for how he ended things(he didn’t need to as it really wasn’t that bad but was sweet nonetheless) and asked if I wanted to go for a drink with him, even suggested we go to the place we first met. He remembered way more about our time together than I did. 
 

We went for drinks and things were great apart from the fact I was a nervous wreck. I don’t think anyone has made me that nervous in a long time. The attraction was still there and he is still just as handsome if not more so than 10 years ago. We got along really well and was reminded of how much we have in common. 
The end of the date came and he kept doing this thing where it looked as though he wanted me to say something(Due to some bad life decisions I have decided to at least go on a few dates before putting out). I assumed this was him wanting me to invite me back to my place(I did this the first time). I had got really nervous again and I blurted out “I would invite you back to my place but I don’t do that anymore unless things progress further”.  I don’t know why I said it that way and I don’t know if I confused the hell out of him or pushed him away. We hugged, I told him I’d love to catch up again soon. I can’t remember exactly what he said in response but it sounded enthusiastic and then we had to walk the same direction to our cars and it was a bit weird. 
 

That was a little over a week ago and I haven’t heard from him since. I was going to message him but then realized I’m sick of being the chaser, he is the one that dumped me the first time around so he is the one that can put in the effort. 
After him apologizing about the way he ended things I don’t think he’s ghosted me and when we first decided on the day we were going to catch up I didn’t hear from him again until I messaged him on the day of(5 days later) to confirm and he apologized for his slack response. 
 

 

All this stuff and another small thing are putting me off by all of it but I would mind catching up with him one last time just to be sure. Plus I’m not sure if what I said at the end of the date may have come across way differently than I intended. 
 

 

Should I message him and invite him out? 
 

 

 

[Starlight925]

I hate to say this, but this is what I think is the reality:  He's not dating anyone, and he's frisky, so he reached out to what he thought was an easy target.

Once you made it clear that a more thoughtful relationship would need to develop these days before you move on physically (good for you!), he made his exit.

His apology is just words.  Action is what's important here, and he hasn't exhibited it.

No, don't chase him.  Look at this as a learning experience, and remove him from your followers, and move on.

[GoodyGoody]

16 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

I hate to say this, but this is what I think is the reality:  He's not dating anyone, and he's frisky, so he reached out to what he thought was an easy target.

Once you made it clear that a more thoughtful relationship would need to develop these days before you move on physically (good for you!), he made his exit.

His apology is just words.  Action is what's important here, and he hasn't exhibited it.

No, don't chase him.  Look at this as a learning experience, and remove him from your followers, and move on.

Thank you, @Starlight925 I really needed to hear that. I always feel guilty about this kind of stuff, but I have been getting much better at reminding myself that I don’t have anything to feel guilty for. The weird thing is that this whole thing has given me the confidence to get back out there again. Previously I never would have been able to go 2 days without messaging a guy let alone 7 and I’m not nearly as anxious about it as I used to be. I feel like maybe I finally have some self respect and have grown a bit of a backbone. 
 

Thanks again @Starlight925 I really appreciate the advice. 
 

 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, GoodyGoody said:

. I assumed this was him wanting me to invite me back to my place(I did this the first time)

That was a little over a week ago and I haven’t heard from him since.

Unfortunately, whenever an ex contacts you, it's for their own reasons. Just got dumped, dry spell, boredom, loneliness, etc.

In this case it seems he vanished after realizing he wasn't going to get lucky.

Delete and block him.   

[Cherylyn]

No, don't message him nor invite him out.  He lost enthusiasm for you as soon as you told him that you prefer to think things through before inviting him to your place.  He lost patience with you because he thought he could move faster with you and realized you weren't as eager as he was most likely physically.  He tried to rekindle the relationship from 10 years ago so it was wishful thinking on his part.  You've matured along the way and grew up which he doesn't want. 

[Kwothe28]

7 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

he reached out to what he thought was an easy target

This!

He thought to get an easy sex. He knows you did had sex and you agreed to see him so wanted to do that once again. Once you said to him you dont do that anymore, he backed off.

Dont contact him. If he wanted to proceed further then just ONS, he would have contacted you after the date.

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, GoodyGoody said:

and I blurted out “I would invite you back to my place but I don’t do that anymore unless things progress further”.  

My sense is he wanted to have sex but the way you said it airs too much dirty laundry to someone you really don't know well - you're telling him you used to sleep around and now you want "things" to progress further.  Why even bring it up - and he didn't ghost you unless he asked you out time and place for another date and then didn't respond to confirming the date or didn't confirm. He simply chose not to see you a second time.

I'd avoid the negative spin and airing dirty laundry -who cares if he was "waiting" - you can play "naive" and simply tell him you had a lovely evening and you'd love to go out again, etc. And then see. 

It's unusual to meet up with someone you had casual sex with all those years ago but typically you can  tell from how the person plans the date/talks to you what his intentions are.  I'm sorry you are disappointed.

[boltnrun]

If you message and invite him out he will naturally presume you're down for casual sex again.

What was the other "small thing" that put you off? Did he do or say something?

And what is your goal here? Are you wanting to rekindle things with him?  Why, if he dumped you before? 

[TheRawTruth]

There's no way your statement at the end came off differently than what you intended. Your intent was to let him know that you aren't putting out just because he took you on a date. He received the message, but didn't like it. He wanted sex. He realized he wasn't going to get it for at least a few more dates, and didn't wish to put that type of effort in. And if he DOES put the effort in (just long enough to GET it) you're gonna be even MORE disappointed if he disappears right AFTER you two have sex. So let him contact you. Don't go chasing after him.

Actually no. Scratch that. If you're really curious, send him a text. WHY do I say this? It's simple. Because I know how I used to be. If a girl told me no sex right away, I'd assume she didn't like me, and move on. I don't feel that way ANYMORE, but if he's anything like I was at that age, he might think the same thing. So, sending a text could at least let him know there's an interest. See if he responds to it. You still don't want to be the chaser though. It was bad enough YOU had to confirm a date HE ASKED you on, after he went cold for 5 days. So, be careful. It could go either way.