Asking for my married friend

[Superstickyone]

My female friend has been married for 27 years. Her husband is almost 60.  He's struck up a friendship with a married woman at work. She's in her mid 40's with 1 boy. 

Recently she came to me with a problem.  

Recently she's distraught because her husband is booking a day here and there off work to replace their kitchen cabinets (for free)in this woman's home, and comes to her beck and call for other minor repairs.   My friend's husband is a carpenter by trade.

Why can't they hire someone for these things? Her husband said this other womand takes days off work also.  She is 😟 wondering if something is going on.

She questions why he cant go over there after work when the rest of her family is home. 

I'm not sure how to advise her as it sounds too complicated for me as I'm single.

She says her husband is friendly with other woman but also likes to help out  neighbors with stairs that need replacing.

As a married person yourself, would you say my friend has anything to worry about?  Is she being paranoid? Thank you.

 

 

[gamon]

I'd say if your friend is concerned, your friend should post here, not you.

[HeartGoesOn]

Agree with the above ^

Posting for a friend, etc has the tendency to cause confusion. Please ask your friend to post their own thread...Thank you.

 

[Kwothe28]

7 hours ago, Superstickyone said:

Why can't they hire someone for these things?

They did? Your friends husband is

7 hours ago, Superstickyone said:

a carpenter by trade.

Maybe he wont charge that much or not at all if he does it just because. But he is hired to help there.

I mean, maybe it is an adultery situation, nobody knows. But the reasoning for help checks out.

[Cherylyn]

I'm a married woman.  I wouldn't like it if my husband helped married women because her husband should step up and figure out what to do regarding home improvement, repairs, maintenance and whatnot and same with neighbors.  It's their home,  their responsibility.  This married woman friend of yours should speak up to her husband.  It's their marital problem.  You need to enforce healthy boundaries regarding your friendship with her.  You can be her friend but draw the line regarding giving advice regarding her marital problems.  You can listen and offer moral support but know your realistic limits.  Tell your friend, it's none of your business.  It's her problem to deal with,  not yours.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Superstickyone said:

I'm not sure how to advise her as it sounds too complicated for me as I'm single.

It seems like she's looking to vent about it rather than asking for advice, so all you can do is listen without speculating.

[Batya33]

It depends on the couple.  I'd be totally fine with it depending on the circumstances.  Had this family helped us in the past or did we feel we might need their help in kind? Do I trust my husband? Would helping improve his reputation in his line of work or would she refer him to other business opportunities? Did the timing have to do with anything else important? Etc.  I'd stay out of it because it's so personal and subjective.

[JTCW]

My husband certainly use his work leave days to do something like this. 

[Lambert]

she should be taking to her husband

[Cherylyn]

My husband is very handy.  He's a jack-of-all-trades.  He's skilled at car repairs, car maintenance, fixes everything (bicycles, machinery, etc.), skilled at plumbing, electrical, construction, repairs gadgets, repairs appliances both small and major, house repairs & maintenance, very helpful with cooking, housecleaning, always helped me with child rearing and does anything.  He's reminiscent of his late father. 

I would take issue if my husband were to "help" women single or married, neighbors and the like.   None of us impose on each other.  We're responsible for our own.  It's nothing out of the ordinary.  Where I come from, all of us enforce healthy boundaries with each other. 

This has nothing to do with trust.  We don't take advantage of each other.  It's the way it is in society which comes at no surprise.  It's common sense.

[Superstickyone]

I agree my friend ought to discuss this more with her husband.  I sense she might not trust him, otherwise why bring it up at all?  Her husband apparently has helped neighbors and other female friends.  Not sure why this married woman at work is an issue.  Maybe she has noticed odd husband behavior- like more attention to his appearance, disappearing?  

It would seem OK to me if her husband generally helps lots of people and this woman is simply on his help list.

I think she was concerned why they both had to take day off work for it, when he can go by there in evenings or weekends. Valid point I guess.  Whether they do it for sex in her home, who knows.  This would be a sure fire way of avoiding being caught cheating, I guess.  No one could know what they are doing, providing her family doesn't walk in suddenly!

I agree she should communicate more with the husband.  Putting ideas in her head that can't be proven will undoubtedly cause her some mental health issues!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[lostandhurt]

I help people all the time, it was what I was put on this earth for I believe.  My question is: If this was a male coworker would your friend have a problem with it?  If the answer is no then your friend needs to accept that she is uncomfortable with her husband spending so much time alone with another woman and sit down with her husband and tell him that.  He isn't a mind reader so if this is bothering her then she needs to speak up.

 After being married as long as they have I am sure they have had similar conversations though out the years.

If something IS going on then he will become defensive and try and turn it back on her for expressing her feelings. Then your friend can take much closer look at their friendship.

 Lost

[Cherylyn]

I believe in helping people within reason.  For example,  when my husband and I were childless,  we were constantly at my widowed mother's house so he could repair or maintain her car,  tended to my brother's truck as well, did household repairs (plumbing, electrical, construction), mowed her front and back yard lawns, did yard work and the like.  Even then it was too much.  We would always arrive at work all bleary eyed and exhausted because our weekends were consumed with errands to Home Depot, auto parts stores, driving to and from my mother's house and spending a good chunk of our weekends there.  We were never well rested and could barely function first thing Monday morning.  It got to be too much. 

When our newborn sons arrived and we were frenetically paced with child rearing, I told my mother that we couldn't do what we did anymore.  Of course, she didn't receive this news well.  We help during emergencies or once in a while but not frequently as before because it's unreasonable.  My mother began hiring contractors and my brother and sister had to step up.  Granted, my brother is not handy as my husband is but my mother's household is her responsibility.  My useless, wimpy BIL (brother-in-law) never rolls up his sleeves nor is he willing to get his hands dirty! 🤨 ☹️ If people can't or won't repair and maintain their houses, then move into an apartment so you can call the manager if anything requires repairs, maintenance or replacement.  Don't be an imposition to others. 

It has nothing to do with trust.  People are very busy with their own lives.  We have their own households to maintain, have jobs, errands, chores, tend to our own immediate family and have peaceful routines.  We have good rapport with others.  However,  we don't habitually bother each other.  This is what boundaries are.