I think my boyfriend used to like my best friend

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, happy1 said:

I DO really want to be in the relationship as I have such strong feelings for him and have never felt this way. It's just I'm already an insecure person, and to realise your suspicions were true that he liked my best friend in the past, is causing so much jealousy. He is adamant he doesn't feel anything for her now, but I have a huge inferiority complex around her as it is and to know he liked her just kills me.

None of this is good on YOU or him 😕 .

Your underlying issues WILL end up ruining this.  The situation is too much and it will cause a negative effect on this relationship....

 

2 hours ago, happy1 said:

Do I end a relationship with someone who I really love and regret it because he could be being totally genuine that he has no feelings for her any more. Or do I stay and feel constantly on edge and worry that there's something still there on his part. I just have no idea what to do any more. 

IMO, this is not 'true love'. Has only been 6 mos.  Real love develops over time.  And a woman can gain feelings a while before the man will.

No, do not stick around. You already know how you are and deep inside you know it isn't right.

I suggest you admit you can't do this... for your own sake & his. ( asides from the fact he did have a 'past interest', which is normal for everyone, there's a lot more than just this going on with you ....correct?).

I suggest you remain single for a good while and just focus on YOU.  Don't go getting involved again until you do feel okay.  Until you know your insecurities are more stable. Or this will repeat with every relationship you're in 😕 .

And as for this situation being at your workplace, I suggest you do not do this again... it will mess with your work performance & that's no good either.  Date people outside the workplace.  Keep your place of work just that - a place you work. ( If it comes to affect you too much, maybe consider finding work elsewhere & just start fresh).

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

And as for this situation being at your workplace, I suggest you do not do this again... it will mess with your work performance & that's no good either.  Date people outside the workplace.  Keep your place of work just that - a place you work

I originally met my husband at work and I agree she shouldn't date coworkers given her particular temperament.  

[Cherylyn]

She is the one who is second best and you are first because he's with you.  He chose you and he's with you now.  Should you continue with your negative thoughts and mentioning it to him, you will push him away and he won't come back.  Stop skating on thin ice. 

[happy1]

5 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

None of this is good on YOU or him 😕 .

Your underlying issues WILL end up ruining this.  The situation is too much and it will cause a negative effect on this relationship....

 

IMO, this is not 'true love'. Has only been 6 mos.  Real love develops over time.  And a woman can gain feelings a while before the man will.

No, do not stick around. You already know how you are and deep inside you know it isn't right.

I suggest you admit you can't do this... for your own sake & his. ( asides from the fact he did have a 'past interest', which is normal for everyone, there's a lot more than just this going on with you ....correct?).

I suggest you remain single for a good while and just focus on YOU.  Don't go getting involved again until you do feel okay.  Until you know your insecurities are more stable. Or this will repeat with every relationship you're in 😕 .

And as for this situation being at your workplace, I suggest you do not do this again... it will mess with your work performance & that's no good either.  Date people outside the workplace.  Keep your place of work just that - a place you work. ( If it comes to affect you too much, maybe consider finding work elsewhere & just start fresh).

There's definitely more going on for me, yes. I've always felt "less than" her in every way- work performance, especially, but also looks - She's got the perfect body and is very pretty. So now I know he liked her, and I believe that she is better looking as well as being better at her job AND she's also very sweet and kind, I just feel I can't compete! 

[happy1]

4 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

She is the one who is second best and you are first because he's with you.  He chose you and he's with you now.  Should you continue with your negative thoughts and mentioning it to him, you will push him away and he won't come back.  Stop skating on thin ice. 

I know I do need to stop mentioning it to him. She's just so much prettier and has the perfect body. I feel I can't compete because she's better than me in so many ways, especially physically. 

[happy1]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Why in the world are you burdening this man you care about so much with having to prove to you and be "adamant" he wants you and not her??  That's not you loving him -that's you being self-absorbed and perhaps selfish.  It's unfair to him to treat him this way.  You opened a can of worms and now you're making him suffer.  If you truly care you'll choose to react to your feelings by not subjecting him to this sort of repetitive insecurity/negativity.  

What you do is decide -do you choose him or your irrational insecurities?

I know it's unfair and definitely self-absorbed. I just feel so 'less than'. Of course having a previous liking for her is normal, but she's so attractive, funny and sweet. I just feel that why would he want me over her? She's amazing! I realise a lot of this might be my insecurities, but also I can't argue that she's hot, and actually an all-round lovely person. I just see how he could not still have any feelings if they were there and she's still just as attractive as before!! 

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, happy1 said:

I know I do need to stop mentioning it to him. She's just so much prettier and has the perfect body. I feel I can't compete because she's better than me in so many ways, especially physically. 

There are and will be many many women who are much prettier than you and have a better body.  Do you really think so little of your boyfriend that you think he would leave you for a better looking person?

I am positive there are men out there who are better looking and more fit than my husband.  I am positive that there are men out there who are: even smarter, even funnier, even more successful, blah blah.  When I chose to be with my husband it didn't matter to me that technically I could find someone who was "better" in those ways.  I knew that was true -I mean it's a fact right? But all I needed to know was that he was perfect for me, he was my person, my partner in crime.  It's not about "better" in that way - that's for people who are still shopping. 

My husband travels all the time to conferences - internationally and domestically.  I'm sure at least some of the women are very beautiful, brilliant, successful.  I give it no thought.  Not because I always feel beautiful, brilliant or successful -I mean come on I'm a 56 year old mom of a teenage boy and yesterday I attempted to clean my counter top with vegetable wash and routinely I'm a sleep deprived klutz wearing big tshirts and pajama pants and a black scrunchie in her hair.  I can't compete with polished looking conference attendees - I mean sure I clean up nicely but when he comes home from a conference nope he's not met with me handing him his robe and slippers and cognac with my hair in an updo.

  Do you think your boyfriend is still shopping?  That he'd act on temptation if he happened to find another woman funny/attractive/cute? If you think so badly of him you don't trust him and you shouldn't be with him.  If you see it as a potential competition you don't believe in him and his commitment to you.  It's not fair to either of you.  

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, happy1 said:

I know it's unfair and definitely self-absorbed. I just feel so 'less than'. Of course having a previous liking for her is normal, but she's so attractive, funny and sweet. I just feel that why would he want me over her? She's amazing! I realise a lot of this might be my insecurities, but also I can't argue that she's hot, and actually an all-round lovely person. I just see how he could not still have any feelings if they were there and she's still just as attractive as before!! 

Because he chose you, the end.  If that's not the end, end it.  It's not fair to either of you -because he also could have the "dream of someone else" if you really believe he is open to greener grass!

[boltnrun]

Have you ever "liked" a man before your boyfriend? If so, is your boyfriend second choice? Should he beating himself up because you "liked" some other man?

As I said before, YOU are obsessed with her. And your obsession is going to drive him away.

Does your therapist think it's a good idea to repeatedly ask your boyfriend if he still "likes" that other woman? Does your therapist think it's healthy for you to keep on him about this? 

Have you tried any of the suggestions you were given on your other thread?

[Jaunty]

Please, please break up with this guy and be single for a while.   You are going to drag yourself through the dirt over this.  In fact, you already are.

[MissCanuck]

I think he is going to get tired of being questioned constantly, and he end this relationship. 

He was annoyed about it before, in your previous threads. This is going to push it over the edge. I'm sorry, OP. I don't see this lasting. You're not in control of your emotions and insecurity and a relationship can't survive that. 

 

[Andrina]

13 hours ago, happy1 said:

I know it's unfair and definitely self-absorbed. I just feel so 'less than'. Of course having a previous liking for her is normal, but she's so attractive, funny and sweet. I just feel that why would he want me over her? She's amazing! I realise a lot of this might be my insecurities, but also I can't argue that she's hot, and actually an all-round lovely person. I just see how he could not still have any feelings if they were there and she's still just as attractive as before!! 

We watch shows where celebrities are attractive, funny, and sweet. But we don't love these celebrities we might have a celebrity crush on. With the right partner, you gradually build a foundation of love where the layers have been built brick by brick as you share intimacy, showing acts of love, caring for each other through illness and supporting each other through the tough times, and having fun together.

A healthy, mature partner will act in a way where they will have in place relationship boundaries, which means even as they encounter attractive people in the world, whether it be in a friendship group, co-workers, and employees working at the store they frequent, they won't allow themselves to flirt, or enter into an emotional affair, nor let their minds obsess over anyone else.

Ever hear the song, Have a Little Faith in Me? It's sung by Joe Cocker. Give it a listen.

These are my suggestions: Do have faith in your bf, since it's insulting not to, as he's done nothing wrong.

Don't ever bring this subject up to him again.

Intensely work on your self-love, self-worth, for your own sake and that of your partner's. Read some books on how to achieve this, and ask your therapist for tips.

Do some volunteer work to focus on helping others with problems, which will likely take the focus off your own, frankly piddly, in comparison. It should also serve to boost your self-worth that you're kind enough to spend hours on those less fortunate.

Good luck and keep us updated.

[boltnrun]

I think it would be best to break up with him.  You obviously think he's deceitful, a liar and that he's using you as a sort of "consolation prize" because he can't have the woman he really wants.  If you think that poorly of him, why would you want to be in a relationship with him?

I suggest breaking up with him (no need to go into a long explanation, just say "I'm sorry, but I don't think we're a good fit after all") and then work with your therapist to try to get a handle on your insecurity.  

[Cherylyn]

19 hours ago, happy1 said:

I know I do need to stop mentioning it to him. She's just so much prettier and has the perfect body. I feel I can't compete because she's better than me in so many ways, especially physically. 

Despite what you say, he chose to be with you so be grateful.  If you want to improve yourself, exercise, diet, groom well (natural without looking gaudy), take care of your health and overall well being.  You will feel self confident and no longer feel insecure.  Regarding self improvement,  everything comes from within. 

[happy1]

7 hours ago, Andrina said:

We watch shows where celebrities are attractive, funny, and sweet. But we don't love these celebrities we might have a celebrity crush on. With the right partner, you gradually build a foundation of love where the layers have been built brick by brick as you share intimacy, showing acts of love, caring for each other through illness and supporting each other through the tough times, and having fun together.

A healthy, mature partner will act in a way where they will have in place relationship boundaries, which means even as they encounter attractive people in the world, whether it be in a friendship group, co-workers, and employees working at the store they frequent, they won't allow themselves to flirt, or enter into an emotional affair, nor let their minds obsess over anyone else.

Ever hear the song, Have a Little Faith in Me? It's sung by Joe Cocker. Give it a listen.

These are my suggestions: Do have faith in your bf, since it's insulting not to, as he's done nothing wrong.

Don't ever bring this subject up to him again.

Intensely work on your self-love, self-worth, for your own sake and that of your partner's. Read some books on how to achieve this, and ask your therapist for tips.

Do some volunteer work to focus on helping others with problems, which will likely take the focus off your own, frankly piddly, in comparison. It should also serve to boost your self-worth that you're kind enough to spend hours on those less fortunate.

Good luck and keep us updated.

This is such lovely advice. I am devastated to learn he liked my friend, with whom we work with, but he hasn't shown any signs of still liking her. 

This is something I will have to fight really hard to overcome. Thank you for the suggestions. I love the idea of charity work. I am considering doing a counselling course after I have worked through some of my own stuff with my therapist. 

Only time will tell whether I can handle the insecurities in this relationship...

[Jaunty]

Are you aware that it's very inappropriate to be "devastated" because a man you're dating was interested in another woman prior to his relationship with you?   Whether she's gorgeous, average or a troll doesn't matter.

I notice that you mention in almost, if not every post something about your friend and how she's "better" than you.   The language we use and how we talk to ourselves and about ourselves is important.  Try to develop and enforce some self discipline around comparing yourself disfavorably with this woman and anyone.    You need to stop that, probably with the help of your therapist.   

 

[happy1]

9 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Are you aware that it's very inappropriate to be "devastated" because a man you're dating was interested in another woman prior to his relationship with you?   Whether she's gorgeous, average or a troll doesn't matter.

I notice that you mention in almost, if not every post something about your friend and how she's "better" than you.   The language we use and how we talk to ourselves and about ourselves is important.  Try to develop and enforce some self discipline around comparing yourself disfavorably with this woman and anyone.    You need to stop that, probably with the help of your therapist.   

 

When you put it like that, it's actually really sad that I do this to myself. It's a lifetime of thinking I'm not as good as others. I am working on it with my therapist, but I've only had 4 sessions and it's going to be a looong process. I just hope I can make some headway before I ruin my relationship. 

[happy1]

14 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Despite what you say, he chose to be with you so be grateful.  If you want to improve yourself, exercise, diet, groom well (natural without looking gaudy), take care of your health and overall well being.  You will feel self confident and no longer feel insecure.  Regarding self improvement,  everything comes from within. 

This is such great advice and I am starting to implement some of it. I've always exercised and took care of myself, but maybe haven't focused enough on my mental health as much. I have stared to take people's advice on board, it's just that obvious takes time, and right in amongst it, I get the confirmation he liked my friend. It just seemed to set me back. I've calmed down since my OP and I can see a bit more clearly that by working on my mental health, I may just be able to get over this. I pray I can anyway. 

[happy1]

16 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I think it would be best to break up with him.  You obviously think he's deceitful, a liar and that he's using you as a sort of "consolation prize" because he can't have the woman he really wants.  If you think that poorly of him, why would you want to be in a relationship with him?

I suggest breaking up with him (no need to go into a long explanation, just say "I'm sorry, but I don't think we're a good fit after all") and then work with your therapist to try to get a handle on your insecurity.  

I agree, I think if I can't seem to settle and feel relaxed, there is no other way. I've only just had my suspicions confirmed, though, so it's still raw. With advice on here and a few days to digest the information, I'm starting to wonder if ending things would be a mistake and the easy way out. Advice on here seems to reiterate that he's 'done nothing wrong' by liking another person before me. My rational head knows this is true, but because of it being someone I constantly compare myself to, it's sooooo much harder to digest and accept. Of course, it's not his fault that I feel this way about my friend. That's my issue, I need to own that. They were both single and she's a lovely, attractive girl. 

I do believe him about his feelings towards me; I don't think I'm a 'consolation' prize. The issue is more me not being able to imagine that he's thought of my friend in a romantic way. It just hurts. It's less about him and more about how much I can take given this new information. 

[happy1]

19 hours ago, Andrina said:

We watch shows where celebrities are attractive, funny, and sweet. But we don't love these celebrities we might have a celebrity crush on. With the right partner, you gradually build a foundation of love where the layers have been built brick by brick as you share intimacy, showing acts of love, caring for each other through illness and supporting each other through the tough times, and having fun together.

I definitely understand this. It's just that this isn't someone from a distance; this is someone he still sees every day and we all work together. 

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, happy1 said:

 this is someone he still sees every day and we all work together. 

Unfortunately breaking up won't be resolve the problem of you all working together and insecurities in general.

You're doing the right thing exploring this in therapy and not asking him about it anymore. That's all you can do for now. Accept his word for it that he only has eyes for you and focus on him rather than her.

[Batya33]

My husband worked with his ex girlfriend for 6 months while we were dating seriously. They broke up shortly before we got back together. I was not a rebound.
I admit I sent him a care package to his office - we lived in different cities at the time - she worked down the hall and had wanted him back when we’d been dating two months. yes I marked my territory in that way lol. 
I wasn’t insecure or overly concerned. Here’s why. He told me about her contacting him when we were dating two months.  When it happened. He was then not working in the same office as her.  She said she missed him and regretted the break up. He told me “I told her no. I told her that because I love you.”
  He told me that over 17 years ago. He had dinner with her about 7 years later and I said that was fine. We were married with a little boy. I still felt ok about it. Because I trust him. By then she was married or almost married. Anyway once he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me and not her I needed nothing else from him.
She is more intelligent and accomplished than me.  She was quite attractive at the time. So?  I didn’t care. He picked me. The end.

What in the world was there to be devastated about as far as him continuing to work with her?  Had that been devastating to me I’d have questioned my ability to be in a relationship with him. 

[boltnrun]

7 hours ago, happy1 said:

I get the confirmation he liked my friend.

How did you find this out?  Was it because you continued to interrogate him about this woman?

How much longer do you think he'll be willing to put up with this constant interrogation?

I asked before, did you "like" anyone two years ago?  Or at some other point in time?  If so, should your boyfriend be "devastated" that you liked another man before him?

I get that this feels very real to you.  Anxiety always does.  But we have to actively do things to rein in our anxiety.  We can feel it but choose not to act on it.

[Jaunty]

8 hours ago, happy1 said:

When you put it like that, it's actually really sad that I do this to myself. It's a lifetime of thinking I'm not as good as others. I am working on it with my therapist, but I've only had 4 sessions and it's going to be a looong process. I just hope I can make some headway before I ruin my relationship. 

Sorry, but you can't.  I know this sounds mean.  I'm not coming from a mean place.

You are so very far gone down a path of destructive behavior right now.  No relationship can sustain that, no healthy person (assuming your bf is healthy) can tolerate this depth of need, suspicion, scrutiny, and blame for something from the past that may or may not have even been a thing -and, furthermore, if it WAS a thing there  WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH IT ANYWAY.

In the real world of adult relationships, it's perfectly fine for a boyfriend to have liked another girl in the past.  

On top of all this - you all work together and you're obviously obsessed. 

As someone mentioned above, the work situation is the "icing on the cake" that makes this impossible.  

You really can't be in a workplace relationship as long as you're indulging in this type of obsessive behavior, because there is not any time during your waking hours when the guy is not in your sightline and available for suspicious scrutiny.  

It's going to take a long time of working on yourself to get to a place where you will not practice this type of behavior any more.  YOU CAN GET THERE.  But it's not going to happen while you're simultaneously spending 40ish hours per week in the presence of the guy and your friend who you think is so superior to you.  

I don't expect you will end the relationship or get a new job because of posts on this site, but be aware that you are standing in your own way of moving past this by remaining.

[Cherylyn]

9 hours ago, happy1 said:

This is such great advice and I am starting to implement some of it. I've always exercised and took care of myself, but maybe haven't focused enough on my mental health as much. I have stared to take people's advice on board, it's just that obvious takes time, and right in amongst it, I get the confirmation he liked my friend. It just seemed to set me back. I've calmed down since my OP and I can see a bit more clearly that by working on my mental health, I may just be able to get over this. I pray I can anyway. 

Concentrate more on yourself so you won't become easily distracted with negative, depressing thoughts.  Focus on exercise, eat well, rest well more than ever.  Make yourself a priority so you won't have brain space for dramatic thoughts.  When your physical health is optimal, your mental health will benefit immensely.  There is a strong sound body, sound mind connection to be sure. 

Whenever I feel down about various people in my life, I take good care of myself, become industrious and productive. 

The key to happiness is to get busy in a positive, very healthy way. 

Also, don't make your boyfriend and this "friend" your whole life which is unnecessarily consuming your best energy.  Have a life of your own, your own friends, your own social life outside being partnered all the time. 

Focus on your employment, too.  Have hobbies, intellectual pursuits, perhaps visit your local library and borrow interesting books to read, join a church if you're faith based, the possibilities are limitless.  Don't become bored because when you have excess time, negative thoughts creep back into your brain again. 

Helping the less fortunate and downtrodden.  Helping others will get you out of your pity pot or 'woe is me' attitude.  Help the disadvantaged, do charitable good works in your community and then you'll feel grateful for your life.  Gratitude is the secret to happiness. 

Don't fixate yourself on other people.  Take good care of your well being because no one will do it for you except you.