Feeling worthlessness

[JohnLee]

How do you overcome feelings of worthlessness and low self-esteem? I am in my late 40s. I am educated and have a successful career. I have relationship anxiety issues. I got married and divorced with my first wife because she became a gambling addict. I got married again very quickly just 2 years later. I have 1 child from my first marriage and 2 more children with my current wife. I have trust issues. My wife uses FB constantly and that give me anxiety when men chat with her or make comments on her posts. 

I know it is not my wife's problem for using FB but the problems lie in me and my low self-esteem. I am responsible for my own happiness. I have tried meditation, exercise, golfing with friends and write down positive affirmations but sometimes the anxiety is just overwhelming. I have periods when I feel good and then short episodes when the anxiety came out with triggers and times with no obvious triggers. I have read books after books trying to overcome my anxiety. I don't know if it is genetics or it is from my poor childhood.

At 4 year old, I went to live with my grandparents. I grew up in a country at a time that it economically it was very depressed and my grandpa told my mom that he would take me to the city to live with him because she can't afford to feed 5 kids. She objected to it but my grandpa was the family patriarch and she reluctantly agreed. During my 8 years living with my grandparents, I went to school for 1 year. The rest of the time I was homeschooled maybe 30 minutes a day. I was stuck inside the house and not able to go out and play with other kids. My grandma was extremely mean to me and yelled at me constantly. My grandpa loved to take naps in his chair while putting his legs on my shoulders while I was standing and that happened almost daily.  My mom visited me once a year, I always wanted to leave with her to go home but it always ended in tears. The pain in my heart during my 8 years living with grandparents was immense.

Thank you for reading. I need to get this out of my chest. Any advice is welcome.

[Seraphim]

Have you had any trauma therapy ?

[Kwothe28]

Have you tried therapy? 

You wont solve your low selfesteem issues by yourself. You would need a professional help there to realize that you dont need reassurance from your wife and that you are worthy. Also, as many told you on your other thread, it really doesnt help that you and your wife are a huge mismatch. 

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, JohnLee said:

. I have tried meditation, exercise, golfing with friends and write down positive affirmations but sometimes the anxiety is just overwhelming. 

Have you seen your physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health? Have you addressed the breathing/snoring issues?

Start there. Once you get your physical health (including the workup for sleep apnea) in better shape, you may feel better mentally and physically.

These lifestyle and other techniques are great for addressing stress, however a good work up to evaluate your overall health wouldn't hurt.

 

[Starlight925]

You suffered childhood abuse at the hands of your grandparents, and abandonment from your parents. 
 

Agree that trauma therapy is needed here.  Please look into EMDR and talk therapy. 
 

I am so so sorry you suffered this. 

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, Starlight925 said:

You suffered childhood abuse at the hands of your grandparents, and abandonment from your parents. 
 

Agree that trauma therapy is needed here.  Please look into EMDR and talk therapy. 
 

I am so so sorry you suffered this. 

EMDR worked great for me for trauma and abuse and a good counsellor will make sure you are emotionally stable before embarking on it. I did 2 years of various other therapies beforehand to make sure I was emotionally stable . 

[Betterwithout]

Good you got it off your chest....keeping feelings inside is detrimental to our health and compounds the anxiety.  Thank you for sharing your story, which is heartbreaking.
Please make the decision to see a qualified therapist with this sort of trauma.
If you don't like the first therapist, try another until you find a good fit.
In the meetings, be fully open and let yourself be vulnerable.  That is where progress lies in therapy.
Hugs

 

[JohnLee]

I have not told anyone about my sufferings under my grandparents because my relatives would not believe me and will attack me for it because they put my grandparents on the pedestal because financially my grandparents helped everyone. I grew up in an environment where if a child is fed, that is enough. Few ever thought about the emotional well being of a child. I didn't think much of it until the last few years because I thought that was normal. Now looking back, I think a lot of my anxiety issues came from my experience growing up with my grandparents.

In the last few years I have periods for weeks when I feel great but a trigger can lead me into anxiety episodes for one or two weeks. The main trigger is that my wife being cold and withdrawn. Lately the problems of raising my youngest who is autistic can also trigger my anxiety and sadness but these anxiety episodes tend to be shorter, only one or two days. 

My current spouse has her own emotional issues and she vacillates between being warm and cold depending on her emotional well being or health issues which no doctor had been able to figure out what is wrong. My wife has a lot of stomach troubles but a Gastroenterologist said there is nothing wrong with her. She also has problems with cold hands, feet and sometimes entire body but Hematologist found nothing is wrong with her blood count and her thyroid numbers are fine. She was a homemaker for 5 years. Finally, she is working 25 to 30 hours a week in a skin care boutique and it seems to help her well being.

There are a few thing going well in my life that would be my two older kids. They are doing well in school. I also think I am a good father. I take care of my kids well, at least the two older ones, physically, emotionally and academically. I am also extremely happy with my career. I was one of the best engineers in my company and now after transferring to sales I am the best Sales Manager (out of 30) in the company if it is based on sales revenue. In times of distress, these positives aspects of my life can be an anchor for me.

Yes, I have tried therapy once for 6 weeks after my divorce from my ex. It helped but I don't feel it was lasting. I was feeling great after being able to leave a gambling addict spouse. I am planning to find another therapist who is specialized in anxiety and self-esteem. I think I need a therapist who is able to deal with my core issues. The goal is that I shouldn't need validation from my wife or anyone to feel good about myself.  I will also talk to my family doctor in April about sleep apnea and ask for a referral to a specialist. 

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, JohnLee said:

I think I need a therapist who is able to deal with my core issues. The goal is that I shouldn't need validation from my wife or anyone to feel good about myself. 

I'm really glad you're able to recognize your accomplishments. I think that the above is an idealistic goal and/or some social media notion - I think it's more of a spectrum.  I think it's totally normal to need validation from a spouse or a loved one or a boss occasionally, to feel better about oneself/a decision because your loved one agreed or "validated" -it's when you need it most or all of the time that it becomes a problem in my layperson opinion.  We all feel insecure at times and turn to those we are close to for "validation".  

[Seraphim]

Why do you need to tell relatives? You don’t . Therapy is for YOU the relatives have no part in it .