Husband

[Trainset66]

Hi, my husband of 30 years has been unofficially ‘mentoring’ a woman 20 years our junior (we are 57) at work : he has no obligation or responsibility to do this, it is totally voluntary on his part. He says he is supporting her as she has a tough role. This has been happening for 18 months now , they often meet alone in an office to talk and I have seen hundreds of messages (literally) going back the 18 months from her mainly initiating , but he doesn’t tell her not to and sometimes seems fairly flirty back or at the very least neutral. Her texts are really quite flirty. He hasn’t told me about her but I’ve seen these messages. Today I have seen that he has text her to tell her we have just welcomed a grandchild, he text weight - name etc and it has really upset me - am I over reacting ? I am doubtful he has actually cheated on me with her but this seems over friendly. They joke about his emotional intelligence , he says thanks for a good day etc - I am just uncomfortable with it: advice please 

[arjumand]

You have been married for 30 years -- you should be able to just tell him how you feel and what you know. The whole key to a successful long-term relationship is communication. My husband and I have been married for 33 years and if something is bothering either one of us, we discuss it. The notion of keeping things to yourself that are bothering you about the relationship never gets you anywhere. 

But, this does not sound entirely fishy to me. The fact that he shared about a grandchild means they are friends -- it also reinforces that he is part of a larger family unit. And it underlines his age to her. My husband has a lot of female friends and work mates and he knows where boundaries are, I don't worry about that. Has he crossed boundaries before? 

Very sorry you are feeling upset, hope this resolves well.

 

 

 

[Trainset66]

No, he hasn’t crossed boundaries before. But the tone of the text messages are flirtatious, she texts him saying something flirty and he replies I look forward to hearing all about it when we meet next week etc . It makes me feel sick . She is being very obvious and he seems blind to it or is enjoying the attention 

[Trainset66]

There are literally around 200 messages back and forth 

[Trainset66]

8 minutes ago, arjumand said:

You have been married for 30 years -- you should be able to just tell him how you feel and what you know. The whole key to a successful long-term relationship is communication. My husband and I have been married for 33 years and if something is bothering either one of us, we discuss it. The notion of keeping things to yourself that are bothering you about the relationship never gets you anywhere. 

But, this does not sound entirely fishy to me. The fact that he shared about a grandchild means they are friends -- it also reinforces that he is part of a larger family unit. And it underlines his age to her. My husband has a lot of female friends and work mates and he knows where boundaries are, I don't worry about that. Has he crossed boundaries before? 

Very sorry you are feeling upset, hope this resolves well.

 

 

 

It is the fact he went out if his way to directly text her to tell her , like she is on his mind or special in some way . Normal colleagues would just say it in passing at work surely 

[arjumand]

Again, if this is bothering you, TALK to him about it. 

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Trainset66 said:

 he has text her to tell her we have just welcomed a grandchild. I am doubtful he has actually cheated on me with her 

It seems like he's flattered that a younger woman looks up to him.  However he's getting a bit carried away so unfortunately you may have to admit you know about it. You could frame it, not as a threat or jealousy, but as an annoyance. 

[Cherylyn]

I agree.  Talk to your husband without distractions.  Teach him how to enforce boundaries with his colleague and people in general.  Teach him how to respect his wife, his colleague and himself.  Teach  him how to behave honorably and with integrity.  Knock some common sense into his brain!

[Kwothe28]

If they are friendly, I think its normal to share the news about grandkid. However if they are flirty, sorry, I wouldnt exclude a possibility that he is cheating or at least emotionally cheating. Have seen the cases. Older man in the position, younger pretty woman at work eager to get ahead. Its a fairly common thing. So, if you noticed, you should react.

[Trainset66]

13 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

If they are friendly, I think its normal to share the news about grandkid. However if they are flirty, sorry, I wouldnt exclude a possibility that he is cheating or at least emotionally cheating. Have seen the cases. Older man in the position, younger pretty woman at work eager to get ahead. Its a fairly common thing. So, if you noticed, you should react.

I think to say they are friendly is a stretch but I may be wrong. I went abroad for a while to tend a sick relative and she was sending supportive messages and asking how I was and he travelled over to be with me and they were discussing books he has read / could read. He has clearly told her some things about our children , like a medical procedure one of them is waiting for - and they seem to have ‘in’ jokes and the tone of her texts especially seem very suggestive and flirty. I am disappointed he hasn’t said to her long ago that he wants to keep things professional. Why are they even texting anyway unless it is strictly about work - I am going to talk to him tomorrow 

[Trainset66]

17 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

If they are friendly, I think it’s normal to share the news about grandkid. However if they are flirty, sorry, I wouldnt exclude a possibility that he is cheating or at least emotionally cheating. Have seen the cases. Older man in the position, younger pretty woman at work eager to get ahead. It’s a fairly common thing. So, if you noticed, you should react.

When does it cross over in to emotional cheating from friendly ? This is what I’m worried about 

[Cherylyn]

3 minutes ago, Trainset66 said:

 I am going to talk to him tomorrow 

@Trainset66Yes, definitely talk to him and teach him how to behave. 

[Trainset66]

Would you say it sounds wrong ? 

[bluecastle]

6 minutes ago, Trainset66 said:

the tone of her texts especially seem very suggestive and flirty

Can you give an example or examples of this? I ask because, aside from this, the specifics you've outlined don't strike me as wildly out of bounds but more like friendly banter between colleagues. 

Generally speaking, have you been feeling secure in your marriage? I can't help but think that something more is going on here to lead to all the snooping and panic. 

[Kwothe28]

18 minutes ago, Trainset66 said:

When does it cross over in to emotional cheating from friendly ? This is what I’m worried about 

Well, if he is "oversharing" or being flirty he is already there. Does he seem more detached toward you and more connected there?

[Batya33]

I understand he wasn't asked to mentor her but since he is does that score points with the higher ups -does his organization encourage mentoring? If she were a he would you care? Certainly tell him you feel uncomfortable. 

Do you socialize with her?

[Cherylyn]

Most very good husbands and men whom I know, behave with common sense boundaries in mind.  They don't over do it with the friendlies. 

[spinstermanquee]

4 hours ago, Trainset66 said:

Today I have seen that he has text her to tell her we have just welcomed a grandchild, he text weight - name etc and it has really upset me - am I over reacting ? I am doubtful he has actually cheated on me with her but this seems over friendly.

Hi Trainset!  So glad you posted.  From a married professional woman with many years of experience working with marrieds, male and female, I can say with absolute honesty that my best relationships with bosses and colleagues included this type of communication.  It's a shout-out to our families.

Now, with other more distant people/colleagues or clients, I'm not so open but with the folks I appreciate the most... yes 🙂

Edited to add:  if he were cheating I'm not so sure he would be announcing grandchildren.  More like, hotel in the Bahamas?

[Trainset66]

2 hours ago, bluecastle said:

Can you give an example or examples of this? I ask because, aside from this, the specifics you've outlined don't strike me as wildly out of bounds but more like friendly banter between colleagues. 

Generally speaking, have you been feeling secure in your marriage? I can't help but think that something more is going on here to lead to all the snooping and panic. 

She says in text that she is feeling stressed out he replies you look fantastic. 
 

She says she would find another mentor who does x y z and is being quite cheeky, she then says sorry is teasing not allowed and he replies always. 
he then says he only said x  to see what her reaction would be - to wind her up. 

to clarify, he has absolutely nothing to gain by mentoring her - he is at the top of his game and retiring fairly soon. He has no reason to mentor her . She has said a few times maybe she should find someone else and he just says very happy to continue as he is finding it rewarding….

[Trainset66]

Just now, Trainset66 said:

She says in text that she is feeling stressed out he replies you look fantastic. 
 

She says she would find another mentor who does x y z and is being quite cheeky, she then says sorry is teasing not allowed and he replies always. 
he then says he only said x  to see what her reaction would be - to wind her up. 

to clarify, he has absolutely nothing to gain by mentoring her - he is at the top of his game and retiring fairly soon. He has no reason to mentor her . She has said a few times maybe she should find someone else and he just says very happy to continue as he is finding it rewarding….

We don’t socialise with her . I have seen her at 2 wider work events and the first time he totally ignored her, the second time he barely spoke to her and someone else introduced us as he never had. Neither he or she mentioned that they were working quite closely and that he was supporting her. 

[Trainset66]

48 minutes ago, spinstermanquee said:

Hi Trainset!  So glad you posted.  From a married professional woman with many years of experience working with marrieds, male and female, I can say with absolute honesty that my best relationships with bosses and colleagues included this type of communication.  It's a shout-out to our families.

Now, with other more distant people/colleagues or clients, I'm not so open but with the folks I appreciate the most... yes 🙂

Edited to add:  if he were cheating I'm not so sure he would be announcing grandchildren.  More like, hotel in the Bahamas?

Hi, it isn’t just the grandchild text bothering Me. They have been texting for over 18 months, sometimes 10 messages in a day - over 200 messages - that seems like a fairly big investment in someone he is just trying to help out at work. Also, many of the texts are either her saying can I pop and see you or him saying pop by and see me to talk about x y z . It sounds work related on the surface but he is meeting with her often. He even says look forward to hearing about x when we meet…. She asks him if he wants a coffee etc etc - they are clearly sharing something that he hasn’t bothered to tell me about. 

[Trainset66]

2 hours ago, bluecastle said:

Can you give an example or examples of this? I ask because, aside from this, the specifics you've outlined don't strike me as wildly out of bounds but more like friendly banter between colleagues. 

Generally speaking, have you been feeling secure in your marriage? I can't help but think that something more is going on here to lead to all the snooping and panic. 

Yes I usually feel secure and we have a great marriage. I have been noticing his phone pinging when we are at home and so decided to look. To be honest I feel with how obvious she is making herself it is very disappointing he hasn’t either told me it is making him feel uncomfortable or told her directly to cut out all the inappropriate stuff. 

[Trainset66]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like he's flattered that a younger woman looks up to him.  However he's getting a bit carried away so unfortunately you may have to admit you know about it. You could frame it, not as a threat or jealousy, but as an annoyance. 

Thanks - yes will do. I have thought about that , she is likely making him feel needed and young again - perhaps even sexually aroused more than I do now after all of these years. She is an attractive woman in her 30s with perky large breasts and she has worn things to show that off when I have seen her in the past. I’m sure he looks at her with a degree of sexual attraction, I understand that is just life. It is more the connection through messaging that is really bugging me and the way he seems to drop things to help her out. 

[spinstermanquee]

1 hour ago, Trainset66 said:

They have been texting for over 18 months, sometimes 10 messages in a day

From the outset I can say it seems excessive - and I'm not much of a texter myself - I can understand your concern.

However, as someone in a high-communication type of job, it's not over the top to message, instant message, email, or telephone a colleague that many times per day.  If I'm on a project and stuff starts to go sideways, it could be 20x or 30x.  And after hours too.

When the guys/gals on the job (if I get to meet them f2f) are sweet and kind and have spouses/SOs, yes it makes it more fun to interact with them as I'm married too!  I always ask to treat lunch or dinner if it's possible with the spouse/SO so they can know who their person is working with.  If a spouse or SO thinks poorly of my (personal) connection with a client, then that speaks more to them that it does of me.

Maybe I am naive or silly but... that's my history. Yours may be different, and if so I hope it all works out ((((( hugs )))))

PS please don't be mad at her she is not the source of your pain

[Batya33]

From my perspective -and again I know work environments have individual quirks/differences -I find this back and forth line-crossing to an extent. 

My husband could see anything I email to any of my colleagues and he'd be happy with how well I get along with them including with respect to any personal matters (meaning -vacation plans/getting a new puppy/loss of a loved one/getting over an illness or their children's accomplishments, house renovations, etc)

But I also am on moderate "alert" about behaving professional at all times and not line-crossing (I trust myself -I have a lot of common sense after many years as a professional).  It depends on the goal -I do like making work friends- 99.9% of the time they are female -in the past I had a few who were male and I was really selective and in one case I made a huge mistake as he -married -me- seriously dating someone- ended up making a pass at me.  It can happen.  But in that case it was all on him -there were zero signals from me that that would ever have been ok. 

I think your husband is venturing into playing with fire territory with certain of his comments.  I would barely tell a female coworker that she generally "looks fantastic" (because I'm not into that inordinate focus on looks especially in a work environment) and never ever a male coworker.  Why take the risk??