Should I call out my co worker who had been lying and messing up with my head?

[MrsWise]

so I've been talking alot more to this co worker at work..We don't talk outside hours but we talk about things at work..I started noticing a pattern when she would come to me and say she heard so and so about me. Last time she was telling me that she heard some co workers saying stuff about me, and the management was on it..without going too much into detail, it didn't add up and when i verified with my supervisor she had no idea what was talking about

Recently, she told about about an incident about a co worker who replaced me when I was off and she took some of the supplies that I use for work and bring them in the basement, when I said I was going  to talk to the staff to leave the supplies on my station..She was like don't say anything the co worker will know I told you. I said no, it needs to be said..so the co worker took matters on their own hands and pretended to be on the other co worker who took the supplies side to get her to talk. This lead into confrontation between myself and the co worker who took the supplies

 

Afterwards ,the co worker in question came to tell me that the co worker I had confrontation with, came to her  afterwards and said my station is filthy( which is not the case) and she was gonna go report me. This later turned out to be untrue and the other person never went to talk to her all. In short, she exaggerate events, then add her own version to the story because she wants to say things without being direct, then she will say it's the other person

 

I want to tell this co worker to stop telling me things about other people and call them out on their lies...? will they stop if i put them on the spot?

[Batya33]

I would not since it's a small world and even if you quit and go elsewhere she could end up there and/or know your coworkers there.  Be polite and keep your distance.  If she tries to speak with you only speak where people can hear and not in any private space -and no texting or phone calls.  Cut her off or redirect to avoid gossip.  I don't think it's worth it to confront her.  Now you know she's trouble so steer clear.

[catfeeder]

No. This person wants attention, so don't feed the beast. She'll move onto someone else until she hangs herself.

I'd just stop speaking with her unless I must do so over the course of business. But 'must' is the key word, as in to complete a job and there's nobody else who can get you an answer you need.

Don't get manipulated into petty stuff about office supplies or he-said-she-said sandbox drivel. It makes you look small.

Advice from Grandma: "The problem is not that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes when you're too bored to avoid picking up the snake to play with it."

[MrsWise]

It's obvious that she things I'm unaware of the lies as she always says she doesn't want any conflict with anyone and it's angering me and I don't like to keep things bottled out. i feel better when i let things out..Whats the worse can happen by calling her out?

[Batya33]

48 minutes ago, MrsWise said:

It's obvious that she things I'm unaware of the lies as she always says she doesn't want any conflict with anyone and it's angering me and I don't like to keep things bottled out. i feel better when i let things out..Whats the worse can happen by calling her out?

You can lose your job and get blacklisted at other jobs in your field especially.  You might keep your job and she will make your life miserable if she knows people/has connections.  

Most people don't like to keep things bottled up.  Most jobs require workers at one time or another to keep things bottled up.  That's why it's called "acting professionally" -so don't keep it bottled up. 

Tell a therapist, tell a friend who knows nobody at your place of work and don't use names.  Go to your place of worship and talk to one of the spiritual leaders.  Go for a really brisk and intense run or walk and let out steam that way.  But don't choose to react by confronting your coworker, by talking about this at work (because it will come across as petty and you not playing nicely in the sandbox -she's annoying, she's not harassing you -you chose to interact with her even after she mislead you).

[MrsWise]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

You can lose your job and get blacklisted at other jobs in your field especially.  You might keep your job and she will make your life miserable if she knows people/has connections.  

Most people don't like to keep things bottled up.  Most jobs require workers at one time or another to keep things bottled up.  That's why it's called "acting professionally" -so don't keep it bottled up. 

Tell a therapist, tell a friend who knows nobody at your place of work and don't use names.  Go to your place of worship and talk to one of the spiritual leaders.  Go for a really brisk and intense run or walk and let out steam that way.  But don't choose to react by confronting your coworker, by talking about this at work (because it will come across as petty and you not playing nicely in the sandbox -she's annoying, she's not harassing you -you chose to interact with her even after she mislead you).

That's what I want to tell her to not interact with me going forward and also tell her to stop lying and exaggerate events. She doesn't have any superior positions so i'm not concerned with losing my job..this person is doing something wrong why shouldn't they be called out?

[Starlight925]

I hate that you have to deal with this.  Co-workers who are like this are often very insecure, jealous, and use every trick in the book to undermine you and put you down, to elevate their own self worth.

Best way to deal with it:  Nothing.  Nada.  Zero.

Literally, when you hear things about yourself from this person:  Just. Be. Blank.

Respond with "Sure is cold outside today".  "I saw a great movie the other night".  "How's your dog?"

Gray Rock.  You can look that up, but it means to behave with the personality of a Gray rock, i.e. bland.  Zero ammunition.

Whether it's directly from her, or someone else tells you she said something, just Gray Rock it.

She is not your supervisor.  You owe her nothing.

I've BTDT, so I get how hard this is.  Be polite.  Be Courteous.  Go Home.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, MrsWise said:

..Whats the worse can happen by calling her out?

It feeds into her. You're validating the gossip machine by jumping in it and escalating.

When you ignore someone, you rise above it. When you go down to their level you become part of mess.

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, MrsWise said:

I want to tell this co worker to stop telling me things about other people and call them out on their lies...? will they stop if i put them on the spot?

No it wouldnt. In fact you would maybe made it worse by doing that. As then you would make her goal to gossip and spread lies about you.

You have to read people and know what they think about you. And act accordingly. If your coworker gossips about the others, she gossips about you too. Just be aware of that. Dont indulge in her gossips but dont make situation worse for you by making more drama. 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, MrsWise said:

That's what I want to tell her to not interact with me going forward and also tell her to stop lying and exaggerate events. She doesn't have any superior positions so i'm not concerned with losing my job..this person is doing something wrong why shouldn't they be called out?

Because life isn't fair and you have to choose your battles. If you call her out the risk is tremendous.  She could become a supervisor- or your potential supervisor - in a year or in years etc.  She can report you for harassing her and then it's she said/she said.  Sorry but you have to accept that not everyone is going to get "called out" for "doing something wrong" -you were gossiping too -you chose to continue the interaction and  talk about people behind their backs so even though she was lying you participated - which she will be thrilled to mention to anyone who will listen.

Starlight gave you great advice and I agree that it's awful when a coworker acts like this!!  She will stop lying because you're going to stop engaging with her.

[MrsWise]

Thank you guys for your responses but I respectfully disagree. I have so much pent up anger and frustration that I just cant be quiet.. 

Without going into details of what I do for a living, I have better chance of being hit by striking than her becoming a supervisor. I didn't engage in drama, we chat usually about work and she will go out of way to tell me what other people did etc when I'm not around and sometimes she will complain about my work but blame it on others. If i say nothing this behavior will continue. confrontation is necessary part of life 

 

I was in similar situation before with a co worker who used to do something similar who would come to me and tell me hurtful things that people said about me that weren't true. I ended up going to the person she accused and tell them she was the one who said it, the person went to confront her and so did I. she stopped after that because we basically backed her in the corner and her lies caught up with her. The co worker in question thinks I'm not aware of her underhanded bs.

 

I appreciate your insights but my mind is already made up..

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, MrsWise said:

Thank you guys for your responses but I respectfully disagree. I have so much pent up anger and frustration that I just cant be quiet.. 

You can of course.  You choose not to. Take responsibility for your reactions to your feelings.  You cannot control feelings.  You have control over your reactions to your frustrations.  Obviously you can balance the benefits and risks.  You are entitled to burn bridges, risk the backlash and risk your job if venting is worth it to you.  Certainly it doesn't sound like you're going to assault her physically and just know that she might be recording what you say and/or tell a very different version of what you said.  But again you obviously are going to choose reacting by venting over the risks.  Hope it is worth it to you.

[Starlight925]

The topic of your post asked the question of whether you should you call out your co-worker.  Many of us gave a similar answer, and you didn't like that answer.  That's ok, it's your right to like or not like advice.  But if you were looking for people to give you the advice you already had your mind made up to, you should have phrased it differently.

That being said, I've been in your shoes.  I've had the horrid co-workers who undermine me.  I've taken many a route, and I can tell you from experience, high road has served me best.

Never once has it served me well when I've tried to call out someone.  Not once.

But you do you, and keep us updated on how it goes.

[MrsWise]

UPDATE 

I went to talk to the person and basically tell her not to tell me things about what happens when I'm not there or anything that people say about me. she responds and said, she was just trying to help me by putting me on guard and had no bad intention...That's when i brought couple past incidence that contradicted that and she got defensive and cut the conservation by saying if she hurt me, she is sorry but that wasn't her intention. And she won't tell me anything going forward. The conversation well that I thought. I felt a sense of relive once it was done

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, MrsWise said:

UPDATE 

I went to talk to the person and basically tell her not to tell me things about what happens when I'm not there or anything that people say about me. she responds and said, she was just trying to help me by putting me on guard and had no bad intention...That's when i brought couple past incidence that contradicted that and she got defensive and cut the conservation by saying if she hurt me, she is sorry but that wasn't her intention. And she won't tell me anything going forward. The conversation well that I thought. I felt a sense of relive once it was done

Good! Your priorities were to vent and feel relief and you met your goals! She did not apologize.  She doesn't think she did anything wrong.  It sounds like she will back off as you instructed and demanded and she won't tell you anything and she will certainly share your conversation with others -with her spin -since in her mind she helps people.  She will now "help" your coworkers by sharing information about you.  The great thing is you already know that about her but your priority was to vent and hopefully feel relieved and you do -glad your approach worked for you.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, MrsWise said:

. And she won't tell me anything going forward. 

Unfortunately you refocused the topic of her gossip and workplace politics on to yourself. People like this gossip for a reason and will continue to do so.

. So instead of "keeping you in the loop" by generating discord through random gossip, she'll just gossip about you rather than to you.

While you did tell her off, watch your back. Gossipers are passive aggressive by nature.

[Coily]

This co-worker is one of those sleazy unrepentant gossips who like a slug leaves a slime trail where ever they go. You'll now be the brunt of intrigue for the moment, but she'll probably find some new target of derision before too much longer.

But I will say you did two very important things, you let your supervisor in on the fact this sort of rumor was rampant (always good if they're worth a toss) and two you didn't just let her get her way by constantly gossiping. So good for you.

I would also suggest that you for a while actively and positively talk about her to other employees (if there is anything positive she does), to undermine her petty little rumor flailing. It's a bitter pill, but it will make her look very poorly if she speaks ill of you.

Now my personal tactic is to randomly change the topic of conversation; she'd talk office politics, I'd bring up this history of jello.