I told my husband I want to separate and now I regret it :(

[Ezzie]

Hi all, I'm so mad at myself and would really appreciate some insight into my situation. I'm struggling a lot to process my feelings and don't know if I made the right choice or not. 

Yesterday I told my husband that I think it's best if we went our separate ways and I wish I could take it back 😞 We still love each other so much. 

He is 32, i am 30. We don't have any kids. He is originally from Ireland and I am from Canada. We met 9 years ago and have lived here the whole time. The past year or 2, I started noticing how homesick he was getting. Many times I would ask him if he wanted to go back to Ireland, and he would say no, that Canada life is great. I knew in the back of my mind he wasn't completely happy here but I really didn't want to admit it because then we'd have to make a tough decision of possibly moving to Ireland. I think he also didn't want to admit it because he really loves me and really wanted to try and stay in Canada for me.

In August this year, he developed pretty severe anxiety and just completely changed. He became extremely depressed and anxious and could barely get out of bed and go to work. He ended up having panic attacks at his job and so he quit. But the anxiety just got worse.. so in November, I told him that it would be best for his mental health if he went back home to Ireland to be with his family/friends and try to recover.

We've been physically apart for a month now. He's been consistently asking me if I'll consider going to Ireland for 6 months and see if I like it. I've been there once before with him. He comes from a very small town while I grew up in a bigger city so I wasn't really used to it. Anyways, I just kept telling him "maybe i'll visit... i don't know" because of these 2 reasons:

\- I'm really close to my mom and am really reluctant to leave her. She's a single mother and getting older every year. I'm an only child and feel quite dependent on her still (for support, advice and companionship), even though I'm 30. She's my best friend and I can't imagine not having her there when I'm in Ireland trying to start a new life.

\- I'm scared to uproot my life. I don't have many friends and I'm not scared of leaving my job. It's more the fact that I have grown up in Canada my entire life and it's just familiar and comforting. It's my home and I don't know if I can adjust to living in a different country or settling down in Ireland for the rest of my life, even if the person I really love is there 😞

So yesterday, my husband and I were talking and I was encouraging him to go back to work at his dad's business in Ireland as it would be good for his mental health to keep busy. And he made a comment "Yeah i'd like to try it too and see if I like it. If not, I can come back to Canada, who knows?". 

It was at that moment I needed to tell him that I knew he would never be 100% happy in Canada. I didn't want him to struggle between living in Ireland vs. Canada so I told him that I thought it was best for him to stay in Ireland and that it might be best for us to go our separate ways. He was really understanding and kept telling me he just wanted me to be happy. That's all he wanted. And that he knew in his gut that we would end up separating one day because he knew I wouldn't be happy forever in Ireland. I would miss my home too much. 

Also another reason why I thought separation might be best:

I've had a really hard time coping with his anxiety these past few months. I've lost a lot of weight, am really unhappy, and just feel like my days were centered around his moods/anxious energy. I felt like a caretaker more than a partner. I don't think I could cope with that stress for the rest of my life. And we don't even have kids yet! What will life be like if my partner has severe anxiety and I have kids to raise?Anyways, the good news is that he is trying so hard to get his life back. He's been doing therapy, exercising, and has started taking medication 2 weeks ago.

My question is, should I have given Ireland a try?? Is it too late now?? Am I just afraid of losing him and this is all my emotions talking instead of my head?? I don't want to mess with his head as he already has anxiety to deal with 😞 And he's already told his family we decided to separate so they'll think I'm a monster if i do this 😞 My mom and family friends were shocked that I told them we decided to separate. They didn't think it would be so quick. We don't have any relationship issues outside of this. We are best friends and have agreed to remain friends for life.

[DarkCh0c0]

That's a tough one.

I think you're not compatible any more. There's no middle ground to solve the distance issue.

42 minutes ago, Ezzie said:

He was really understanding and kept telling me he just wanted me to be happy. That's all he wanted. And that he knew in his gut that we would end up separating one day because he knew I wouldn't be happy forever in Ireland

He seems quite nonchalant about his commitment to you when you suggested separating. No fight, nothing. So maybe, indeed, he wasn't happy as well. That rough patch showed you his character and that he's not in the right space to be a good partner to you. That, and you guys are meant to live in different countries for your own valid reasons.

I would say you've made the right call. It's normal to have cold feet about it. It's the end of a marriage after all.

I guess you need to get the ball rolling with the lawyer. I'm sorry, but it sounds like it just isn't working anymore 💚

[Lambert]

Aww I am sorry... If you regret it, what exactly do you regret?
That it's over and tough to move forward?  Or do you regret saying it and want to do whatever you have to do to stay together?  

Because those are two separate things.  I have ended thing and while I regret it is over or that it didn't last.  I don't regret my choice to move forward without the person.

Since you have already announced you should separate, be sure of your feelings before pulling a complete 180.  It is your life... do what you think you can live with in the long run.  Do you think moving with him and taking a chance will be a waste of time?  because life is short. You should definitely be focused on things that bring you closer to the life you want.  

[Whirling D]

Well, that sucks. I just wrote a really long response to your situation, which seems to have gone to cyber oblivion when I hit the send button. I’ll try again.

I can relate to the situation that you are encountering, and the troubling decision that you have ahead.  I certainly don’t have any answers, but I can tell you what my experience has been like moving from one culture to another.

When I was 17, my parents moved back to Canada from the US and I decided to stay down here by myself.  I don’t feel I have ever felt settled or happy down here in the 45 years I have been here.

I wouldn’t say that I unequivocally hate it where I am, since a lot of it comes down to how much work you want to put into it to make a place your home, but more often than not, I feel lonely, depressed, anxious, and I often completely feel that I don’t fit in.

I don’t look like the people here, I don’t act like the people here, and therefore, I often feel like I am treated like an outsider. Of course, although there are too many other factors to draw concrete conclusions like this, it still feels to me that birds of a feather flock together, and if you are a bird that is different, it is often hard to feel included. 

I also have zero family anywhere near here, which has been incredibly hard. You mentioned the thought of being close with your mother. I think that has huge validity. I wish that I could have spent more time with my family, who are now closing in on the end of their lives, and I feel like I have been virtually AWOL in a greater part of their lives for the last 50 years. It’s a sinking feeling as your parents age to feel that you have not been as much a part of their lives as you wished you had been.

I was married here, I had my teenage daughter here, and I’ve had several floundering careers here, but none of that has really helped this feeling of just simply not belonging here. So, in that regard, I can completely relate to what your husband is saying, and I think you can too. There are times that I think that people belong near family. 

Of course, this is all entirely dependent on the type of person that is making that kind of move. My sister lives out in British Columbia, while my parents and our brother live in Ontario. She never looked back after she moved away, and has lived a happy life. However, she is fairly independent and makes changes and friends quite easily, so that is a strong consideration, as well. I don’t. At least I haven’t in the half century I have been here. 

Ireland is likely not at all like where I live, either… Which is the northeast urban United States, which is a very competitive and highly educated culture. If Ireland is anything like Canada, people are likely a little more accepting and friendly there, which I haven’t really found here at all, almost ever.

There are no easy answers to your situation, sadly, but I know what my answer would be if I were you, and it can be inferred in what I have written here.  But there are no givens in each situation.

Also… You could find if you went over to Ireland that your husband might be a completely different person, as I am when I go visit my family up in Canada. It’s my tribe, and they speak the same language, so when I go up there, it’s often like a switch gets flipped and a lot of my depression and anxiety dissipates rather quickly. I think family can do that, so it’s not really correlated to a physical place, but I certainly wouldn’t rule that out.

I wish you all the best, and will watch with interest with how things go for you…

 

 

 

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, Ezzie said:

My question is, should I have given Ireland a try?? Is it too late now??

You are quite clear that you would not be happy in Ireland because you cant leave home. If you think your anxiety is bad now just wait until you are in a foreign country. All alone at home while he goes to work.

On the other hand he is quite clear that he doesnt like Canada and wants to go back. So yes, separation is the right choice in order for both of you to be happy, sorry.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Ezzie said:

 My mom and family friends were shocked that I told them we decided to separate. 

Sorry this is happening. Separating is the best choice. Don't second guess yourself or worry about what friends and family think.

Keep in mind this is not your choice. He defacto abandoned the marriage. 

 

[MissCanuck]

11 hours ago, Ezzie said:

should I have given Ireland a try??

I don't think so, no. 

I live abroad (from Canada myself, but live in Europe now) It is no easy feat. I moved because I genuinely wanted to, and I was on my own. I expected the challenges, and I was ready for them because I was so excited to start a new chapter. I was prepared. I don't get the same impression from you at all, and for that reason, it almost surely would have failed. 

It is hard moving to a new country. It is hard when the going gets tough and you don't have your family nearby. I think that since you already have so many reservations about it, you would find it impossible. 

So, as sad as it is, separation and eventual divorce is the right choice here. You and your husband have become incompatible on a fundamental level and there is no way to bridge this gap with how you both feel. You aren't right for each other anymore. And that's okay, but it will take time to accept. You will both be happier in the end for not being where you really don't want to be. 

[Ezzie]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I read each and every one of them and seems like everyone said that it was better to separate. 

I felt emotionally weak yesterday and tried talking to my husband about trying again but he wants to move on and says it’s the best decision for both of us. I respect his decision and am going to try to move on too.  
I think each of the responses I got here was right in saying that I wouldn’t ever be happy in Ireland and that it’s hard moving to a foreign country especially when I’m so reluctant and scared.

Even if I was willing to go, I’ve been ignoring some problems in our relationship that my ex reminded me of when we talked yesterday and it made me realize our relationship was not all perfect and I had my own reasons for wanting to separate too. I just have to remember that in moments of weakness.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I really appreciate it. 

[redswim30]

My biggest question for you is why you wouldn't even consider giving Ireland a try?   After all, he lived in Canada for nine years with you, yet you wouldn't even try living in Ireland with him? 

I ask this not be rude, but I think you have to answer this question for real.   It's not just about your mom or uprooting your life, because he was only asking you to TRY, not to move there permanently.  I'm wondering if you didn't want to try because you wanted an easy explanation for your marriage to end and this was your simplest "out". 

You bring up his issues in a very negative light.  In your words  "I felt like a caretaker more than a partner. I don't think I could cope with that stress for the rest of my life. And we don't even have kids yet! What will life be like if my partner has severe anxiety and I have kids to raise".  

Even if he were still in Canada with you, these are your real feelings.  

Whether you stay married or not, whether you end up in another marriage or not, I want to give you some advice before having kids.  If you think you are going to be married to someone (or co-parent with someone) that is NEVER going to have any issues, problems, bad days, bad moods, ongoing disagreements with or anything that can make raising kids harder like a possible ongoing illness, then I think you should think twice about having kids in general.  It's really hard being a parent, even with the best and most supportive of partners.   I'm also curious why you refer to it as " I have kids to raise." not "we". If you have kids, you both have to take care of them no matter what- good days, bad days, you are fighting with your spouse, one of you is battling something, etc. What if something happens to your spouse you can't predict?  And you never know what you'll get with your kids, either.   What if you child is diagnosed with a severe mental illness or a disability?  That can be very challenging as well (I have both in my family).  I say this so that you can think about expectations with a kid, if you had this hard a struggle dealing with a partner with some mild, fairly common problems. 

In terms of feeling regret- everything you wrote, to me, doesn't suggest regret.  I think what you are feeling is guilt.  I think separating is what you want and I think it is what is best for you both.   You don't want to compromise in any area of your life.  That's not necessarily a negative thing to want what you want, but it does mean there's no wiggle room here.  If you're each happier in your own homes, that's it.  He tried living in Canada and it didn't work and you are unwilling to try Ireland, so that's that.  The End.  Don't drag this out.  My advice is to get a divorce as soon as possible, so you can both move on with your lives.   And I suggest for the future, finding someone that lives in and loves Canada as much as you do. 

 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Ezzie said:

tried talking to my husband about trying again but he wants to move on and says it’s the best decision for both of us.

Maybe this is why he returned to Ireland when he did. 

It sounds like he was checking out of the marriage, and going to stay in his home country was thatconcrete step to signal to you that this marriage was over. I am quite sure he knew you weren't going to join him. That's not a shot at either of you, but rather to point out that I think he has wanted to move on longer than you realized and now knows it's time to officially make that leap. 

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. I have experience with this 'love is not enough' scenario.

To this day I still love an ex who also had mental health problems that would have ruined my future had I stayed.

I stayed tied to him for far too long because I loved him, and I was concerned about how he would do without me. I would have given anything for him to have moved back in with his family to avoid being the 'bad guy' who had to break up with him.

But he was gracious and clear about why I needed to do this, and your husband sounds the same.

I understand it's hard, but you will thank yourself later.

Some people are best loved from far away.

[remerz]

Sweetheart. 😞 

This is tough to have to go through, and I applaud you for being so strong through it all. While visiting Ireland and seeing if potentially it could have grown on you was indeed an option, the fact that you weren’t 100% sold on the idea and saw Canada as home is hard to reconcile. It is absolutely not something to feel guilty about, as you would be completely uprooting your life and everything you’ve ever known to live in a place that is vastly different than your own birthplace. His vision of home is different than yours, and either way, there’s a fair chance that one of you would’ve been unhappy. Now, I’m sure he was very very happy with you, and loved you to pieces, but he easily cut ties with you, either for his own mental sake or for yours, or both, and the fact that it was a clean getaway is the best part of all this. Sometimes the best way to love someone is to love them from afar. And you will never have to stress over his well-being anymore and you can truly focus on your own beautiful self. ✨

[Tiddytok5]

You two aren't compatible.

 

Divorce and leave him alone.

 

Stay where you are.

 

Let him be where he is.

 

 

There are billions of other people out there.

 

Find one in due time that you're genuinely compatible with