Can I ask the love of my life for one last chance? Even though I should call him.. ex now

[CryingDuckie]

33 minutes ago, JoyfulCompany said:

Codependency is not a disorder the same as personality disorders are, for example. It's not in the DSM. It's a theory (as is attachment theory) describing a certain pattern of behaviour in interpersonal relationships. In your case it's due to your past trauma with your father. It's not a sentence.
It's something you can work on and improve or entirely transform. I used to be codependent in my relationships and what helped me develop a healthier sense of identity and boundaries was therapy. Years of it.

Your current view of love is unhealthy. It has the shape of martyrdom and merging with the object of your love to the point of losing yourself. Yes, there is some pure love in the whole mix but zero self-love and boundaries. You need to learn the latter. At this point there's no exercise that will help you, you need a safe space without him (as is therapy process) where it's only about you, your wants and needs, your identity outside of the context of a relationship. You need to develop a relationship with yourself.

I'm sorry but we can't support your suggested way of acting. It comes from the same place of trauma response. You don't want to seek therapy to feel better, you somehow expect that it'll help you to "become better" with the sole purpose to win someone's love. That's not healthy motivation. I know that will sound really harsh to you but  texting "I'm in therapy now, working on myself, please, give me hope for the future of us" in a month is just another ride on the same spiral of maintaining your codependent ways. It's like trying to use it as a solid argument that will change his mind. It won't help you in the long run, my dear girl.

I'm sorry you're hurting, I used to be in a similar headspace (I definitely had it easier - once it's over, I could control myself not to overstep that boundary). It used to feel that my whole world was shattering and I couldn't see a way to go on. Pit in stomach, unable to eat for days, etc. So, I know how it feels. But it can feel so much different if you practice kindness, care and love towards yourself.

I'm incredibly incredibly grateful for your message and especially for acknowledging that there is pure love in our relationship. Because there is.. I'd say tons of it though rather than some.. But on this particular scale zero self love and boundaries weigh heavier than a ton of pure love. I understand it.. I completely agree. I've known this all my life that I don't love myself. And I've also never allowed myself to forgive myself as I've always thought it's not something I deserved for what I've done to my boyfriend.. 

Seems to me that I have no problem attending to my wants and needs.. I wanted to get love reassurances from him and I went for it each time. But I guess you'll argue that and say that it's not attending needs but just having no boundaries... 

I said to other people here as well that I would give him space.. And I decided to do it but I honestly don't know how.. He wished to stay good friends. After he broke up with me (again sort of) 2,5 weeks ago I told him I'd always be there for him if he ever needs me. He said a similar thing. And we said that thing to each from time to time many times (out of love). And I really meant it. He's in a dire situation and has been for several months, work situation, cost of life, s0 much more.. I want to be there for him if he needs me and I said I would.. So I don't know how to do that. It'll hurt me overall hugely is one thing. But it'll hurt me excruciatingly giving him space=stop being friends and stop talking=ditching him while life is horrible for him. 

And I know.. I lost my identity.. Lost myself.. 

To be honest, my desire to be with him is so massive that I would draw hope from even a small hint that it could be possible, that he might agree to giving me one last chance. No one gave it to me but to be completely completely honest in the back of my head I knew no one would. But I was just so so desperate. I was actually a lot worse before, in the first days after the break up but then I found about this codependency thing, did some research, took tests, saw that I couldn't control myself. I resisted but did start hoping against all hope that I have a tiny but real chance to be with him if I fix myself.. I knew it would take much longer than a month. But I thought if I don't be needy or etc even once he'd see my commitment, he did say love wasn't gone. Despair.. Despair and I gathered all these bits into a small light of hope. But today I got tons worse again and hence I'm here because I had a dream. In all 5 years I didn't have a dream that would be like this. I dreamed of him before but never like this. I won't go into details as they are too personal and dear to me, some things that are only ours but in general he hugged and then kissed me in the dream. And I've already forgotten how it feels. And it was one of those dreams when almost physically feel it. I woke up with a sensation of a real kiss on my lips.. And burst into tears again and spent 3 hours in bed unable to get up.. 

And thank you especially for calling me a dear girl.. That bit of kindness made me cry but with good tears.. 

[CryingDuckie]

34 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

to me it is.  Show remorse by acting in a way that shows you don’t want to repeat the behavior for which you apologized.  Self flagellation is about you not about showing remorse. Anyway I’m mostly done. I am finding this a bit circular and repetitive and I have really nothing more to contribute. I don’t want to give you more of a platform to vent about how awful of a person you are or to go to lengths to self diagnose. That’s not helpful.  I don’t think you’re a bad person. You’re a person who made mistakes in your interaction with another person and now you have the opportunity to make changes in your behavior for future interactions with other people.  I wish you the best. And hope you feel better. 

I understand.. Thank you for your insights and listening to me and thank you for good wishes.. 

[JoyfulCompany]

I wish you could see that what you truly need is not a loose promise for a distant future with a person from a distance. Those are breadcrumbs, living in fantasy world. I wish you could recognise it.

You totally deserve having a secure and loving relationship, okay? And you'll get there some day (not necessarily with that person but it doesn't matter right now).
At the moment you need to take care of yourself. Think first emotional aid. Breathe slowly, deeply when you feel very upset. Drink a glass of water or a cup of tea. Read a book. Get out of bed, take a shower. Take a walk outside during the day. Do something you normally like, even if you're feeling resistance (just an idea - if there are pets around or an animal shelter nearby - spend some time with something fluffy and huggable). Start eating, even if something small at first.
As a bigger topic/project - try focusing on the job situation - what are your options until you find another one, can you rely on family, do you need to do some budgeting, etc. Your resume/CV needs updating, you need to start scanning through job listings...
Ask your sister or other loved one for help, for example a hug, or a small massage or simply to keep you company - cook/watch something/take a walk together. Your sister is understandably fed up hearing about this guy but she surely loves you, right? So maybe keep him out of the conversation with her for now.
Keep telling yourself that you're strong and that everything will be alright. I'm also saying it to you - everything will be alright. Just keep going and take care of yourself. All of this is until you feel more like yourself and calmer. When you figure out the job situation (fingers crossed), prioritize seeking professional help.

I don't expect you to cut contact with your guy or anything at the moment but in your heart of hearts - take some emotional distance. Let him initiate contact and don't prolong it for too long. When you really miss him or think about him too much, send your warm and loving thoughts his way but don't text him. Just wish him well, then wish well upon yourself. Then find some distraction. You can love someone with all your heart and not be with them. Please, understand the love that you feel is something you're the creator of. Yes, it has a subject that inspires you but other than that it's your superpower, i.e. you carry that magic within you. So never ever fret that if one person doesn't share it - it's gone. It's not.

Chin up, my dear girl. Okay?

[DarkCh0c0]

10 hours ago, CryingDuckie said:

And also I wanted to add that any closure isn't an option.. He wants me to be in his life, even if as friends, and I want him in mine and I want to be there to support him if needed, to care for him..

It is an option, but you don't want it.

If the guy kept sending you fluffy texts and words about love, it doesn't mean he truly loves you. He has you as online back up chick and entertainment. His talk is cheap and you fall for it as if he really means it. He doesn't. You're easy to fool and you're willing to believe in anything he says to you.

Step away and focus on yourself. Start a job search as soon as possible so you can find a job and get into therapy. This guy is not your fix.

9 hours ago, CryingDuckie said:

She told me 2,5 weeks ago that I should get the grip, start living a bright life and show him that I'm happy and living full life and he'd crawl back. I don't believe that for one bit and I have no strength to do it and will to show how happy I am knowing that he's struggling. My sister sits in the kitchen when I cry, which is all day long, and doesn't say anything any more.

Your sister is right. Listen to her. He's out there living his best life while you are attached to some text messages from him and refuse to get better. 

You're lucky your sister is letting you stay at are her place for now, but you need to be an adult. You need to find a job, new hobbies, and get urgent therapy to let the light shine into your soul. Codependency requires the intervention of a therapeutist to help you break it. It's not a diy project.

I know it's easier said than done, but you came her for help and that's a great step. Now you need to stay on track and work on improving your life situation. You got this.

[CryingDuckie]

5 hours ago, JoyfulCompany said:

I wish you could see that what you truly need is not a loose promise for a distant future with a person from a distance. Those are breadcrumbs, living in fantasy world. I wish you could recognise it.

You totally deserve having a secure and loving relationship, okay? And you'll get there some day (not necessarily with that person but it doesn't matter right now).
At the moment you need to take care of yourself. Think first emotional aid. Breathe slowly, deeply when you feel very upset. Drink a glass of water or a cup of tea. Read a book. Get out of bed, take a shower. Take a walk outside during the day. Do something you normally like, even if you're feeling resistance (just an idea - if there are pets around or an animal shelter nearby - spend some time with something fluffy and huggable). Start eating, even if something small at first.
As a bigger topic/project - try focusing on the job situation - what are your options until you find another one, can you rely on family, do you need to do some budgeting, etc. Your resume/CV needs updating, you need to start scanning through job listings...
Ask your sister or other loved one for help, for example a hug, or a small massage or simply to keep you company - cook/watch something/take a walk together. Your sister is understandably fed up hearing about this guy but she surely loves you, right? So maybe keep him out of the conversation with her for now.
Keep telling yourself that you're strong and that everything will be alright. I'm also saying it to you - everything will be alright. Just keep going and take care of yourself. All of this is until you feel more like yourself and calmer. When you figure out the job situation (fingers crossed), prioritize seeking professional help.

I don't expect you to cut contact with your guy or anything at the moment but in your heart of hearts - take some emotional distance. Let him initiate contact and don't prolong it for too long. When you really miss him or think about him too much, send your warm and loving thoughts his way but don't text him. Just wish him well, then wish well upon yourself. Then find some distraction. You can love someone with all your heart and not be with them. Please, understand the love that you feel is something you're the creator of. Yes, it has a subject that inspires you but other than that it's your superpower, i.e. you carry that magic within you. So never ever fret that if one person doesn't share it - it's gone. It's not.

Chin up, my dear girl. Okay?

I'd be happy with those breadcrumbs and I'd just work really hard and do my best to move forward, grow and be together with him in person.. Like I've always wanted.. 

Thank you so very much for so many and so big pieces of advice! I appreciate it hugely.. I do get out of bed, even though with difficulty but I do.. I go for walks, I read books but my mind is just always there. I can't smile when to the things I used to smile. My mind is always rolling and I think about what happened, I beat myself up (it's incredibly hard for me not to), remember the beautiful loving things he did or said, the acts of huge kindness that he gave me, all the happy things, and then I think of all the bad things that I did to him. And I hate myself. I hate myself because I lost him, because I hurt him and because I never gave him as much happiness and love and respect as I wanted. And more so I hate myself because when we met he was happy and he expressed it in so many ways and said that no one loved and cared about him this much before and he appreciates it so much. And it used to make me happy to hear.. And I hate myself because I let him down.. He thought he struck a gold mine in meeting me but ended up with a toxic swamp. And it's not what he deserves! He deserves tons TONS of happiness.. And I didn't give him that, I only hurt him.. I know you'l say I should work on it, on self-love. But it's going to be the toughest task for me because I can't see myself forgiving myself for losing something I cherished dearly, for hurting someone I loved immensely, for not making him happy. For... Wasting 5 years if his love on.. me
I know I said the word hate many times there.. But that's how I am these weeks now. How can I live knowing I ruined it all.. And I know I'm selfish, many people told me so.. I know I am.. I just don't want to not have him in my life because anyone would be blessed to have him even as a friend. And even if I never have hope for it - I'll always want to be with him, his soulmate, his the one.. till the end of my days. But I will.. I will try to talk to him and have distance. If he doesn't agree to it.. I don't know what to do but I don't want to push and don't want to ditch him while life is really hard for him. If he needs my support I want to be there, don't want to leave him deal with it. Although he has many friends, he might need my support. I'll leave it up to him in general...

[CryingDuckie]

20 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

It is an option, but you don't want it.

If the guy kept sending you fluffy texts and words about love, it doesn't mean he truly loves you. He has you as online back up chick and entertainment. His talk is cheap and you fall for it as if he really means it. He doesn't. You're easy to fool and you're willing to believe in anything he says to you.

Step away and focus on yourself. Start a job search as soon as possible so you can find a job and get into therapy. This guy is not your fix.

Your sister is right. Listen to her. He's out there living his best life while you are attached to some text messages from him and refuse to get better. 

You're lucky your sister is letting you stay at are her place for now, but you need to be an adult. You need to find a job, new hobbies, and get urgent therapy to let the light shine into your soul. Codependency requires the intervention of a therapeutist to help you break it. It's not a diy project.

I know it's easier said than done, but you came her for help and that's a great step. Now you need to stay on track and work on improving your life situation. You got this.

It wasn't like that. He meant it. He's an incredibly honest person so please don't judge him as you don't know him. Don't assume bad things about him and don't say bad things about him as well. 
He truly loved me. Everything he said he meant and he would not be with me for 5 years and put up with my neediness for the half of it if I was just entertainment. I was not. His talk was not cheap. And he is not the way you describe him. You do not know him. He is not like that and he would never keep any girl as a backup plan or entertainment or anything of the sort. He is a good man, kind, with right morals, honest and trustworthy. I was with him for 5 years. I know

It's not really relevant but my sister and I share the flat and split the rent. And I have tons of hobbies. I can't focus on any of them. I'm broken
 

[DarkCh0c0]

49 minutes ago, CryingDuckie said:

He truly loved me. Everything he said he meant and he would not be with me for 5 years and put up with my neediness for the half of it if I was just entertainment.

He demoted you to friend it's been 2.5 years and you haven't seen him in years. How does he love you when he doesn't show up for you? Make time for you? Make actual gestures that make you feel special? Have adventures with you? Share a house with you?

The truth is, you're dependent on an online chat buddy and you live with your sister. The dude could have another girlfriend and you wouldn't know.

But if you choose to bury your head in the sand about this, then that's on you.

49 minutes ago, CryingDuckie said:

my sister and I share the flat and split the rent. And I have tons of hobbies. I can't focus on any of them. I'm broken

And you need help. A good therapist will help you break the cycles you're stuck in and lift you out of your depression. I'm sorry you're struggling. I hope you find a new and better job soon.

[CryingDuckie]

28 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

He demoted you to friend it's been 2.5 years and you haven't seen him in years. How does he love you when he doesn't show up for you? Make time for you? Make actual gestures that make you feel special? Have adventures with you? Share a house with you?

The truth is, you're dependent on an online chat buddy and you live with your sister. The dude could have another girlfriend and you wouldn't know.

But if you choose to bury your head in the sand about this, then that's on you.

And you need help. A good therapist will help you break the cycles you're stuck in and lift you out of your depression. I'm sorry you're struggling. I hope you find a new and better job soon.

Because he just does. He was there for me, supporting me through everything, he was there pulling me out of darkness, not only helping me with real life problems but also dealing with my neediness and asking for love reassurances. He was incredibly patient with me, he encouraged me to keep my head up high, he did many very loving things from helping me to sending me gifts to patiently listening to me complain and advised me here and there. We were going to meet but the covid happened. He could not "show up". He made incredibly gestures that I do not want to share here but he did something beautiful when my granddad passed away last year. I don't want to say what. It's too personal. And other things, from small to huge. All things that showed his love.
With the time he has spent with me he didn't have time for himself. Which I hate myself for but I'm saying that he did not have time for another girlfriend as well. And as I said before, he would never do something like that. He is not like that. You do not know him so please stop assuming bad things about people you don't know whatsoever. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, CryingDuckie said:

I know it's not proper proof but I took tests online and they all said I had emotional codependency, I read lists of signs. And today after someone mentioned I might have anxious attachment style I took tests as well and got that confirmed as well. 

Do you have health insurance? Go to a physician and get an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Talk about the crying and general struggling. Ask what types of affordable help is available.

Online quizzes are fun but they don't replace appropriate mental health care.

[CryingDuckie]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Do you have health insurance? Go to a physician and get an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Talk about the crying and general struggling. Ask what types of affordable help is available.

Online quizzes are fun but they don't replace appropriate mental health care.

That would be an amazing thing to do but I'm too scared to do that.. I can check my general health, okay. But not mental. I live in such a country that if I mention to the state hospital staff how much I'm struggling and how I'm depressed, I'll end up in a mental hospital. It happened to the daughter of my mom's friend. it's not a rule but I'm too scared

[boltnrun]

6 hours ago, CryingDuckie said:

That would be an amazing thing to do but I'm too scared to do that.. I can check my general health, okay. But not mental. I live in such a country that if I mention to the state hospital staff how much I'm struggling and how I'm depressed, I'll end up in a mental hospital. It happened to the daughter of my mom's friend. it's not a rule but I'm too scared

Then you will not get better and you'll be permanently stuck in a loop of self hatred and you will continue to pester him with messages begging for assurance you'll be together in the future. I know you say you'll stop but in the next sentence you say you plan to message him. You also say you "can't" stop yourself. 

Please do see your doctor. Tell them how you're feeling. You don't have to say you're mentally ill. Just describe how your feeling honestly. Talk about the crying, the lack of interest in your hobbies and your fixation on this man and the constant messaging, and how you won't stop even when you know it's excessive. Your doctor can help refer you to the appropriate professional. You can also research online therapy options today to at least get started.

You don't have to stop responding if he messages you, but don't message him first. If he wants "support" from you he will let you know.

[CryingDuckie]

56 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Then you will not get better and you'll be permanently stuck in a loop of self hatred and you will continue to pester him with messages begging for assurance you'll be together in the future. I know you say you'll stop but in the next sentence you say you plan to message him. You also say you "can't" stop yourself. 

Please do see your doctor. Tell them how you're feeling. You don't have to say you're mentally ill. Just describe how your feeling honestly. Talk about the crying, the lack of interest in your hobbies and your fixation on this man and the constant messaging, and how you won't stop even when you know it's excessive. Your doctor can help refer you to the appropriate professional. You can also research online therapy options today to at least get started.

You don't have to stop responding if he messages you, but don't message him first. If he wants "support" from you he will let you know.

I know nobody trusts a word I'm saying but I will not "pester" him anymore. Almost 3 weeks now I haven't done it and I'm in the worst shape ever, much worse than I was before, way before, more than a year ago. And I didn't cause a singe issue in these 3 weeks. Mostly because I realised WHY I did what I did and pestered him but also because of a fear that if I continue like this, his next step will be cutting all communication off. Somehow I changed a tiny bit better towards healing. The realisation why I'm like this and fear to lose him even more did the trick. I am not saying I'm cured. I'm saying that it helped me stop pestering him. We talk about normal things now. We talk little but we talk friendly, like we used to on good days (the only change is the quantity). I don't want a chance with him and I do want to ask but I'll try to restrain myself from doing it as much as I can. Yes, I do want to ask him questions like do you still love me, etc. But somehow, I don't know how, I can stop myself from sending it to him. When before I never had a power like that
I will keep educating myself on those issues, I'll do proper exercises, I'll do everything. I won't ask him for one last chance even though I want to. I feel immense guilt that I didn't realise something was wrong with me before. Then I would have spared him a lot of pain. I'll forever be sorry for hurting him. So I'll try to learn about self-forgiveness as well although I think it'l be the most difficult issue for me because it hurts me to live knowing I have hurt him for so long (and it's not new for me, I've been feeling this way for more than 1,5 years now). I'm just saying that now I have an additional guilt that I didn't realise something was wrong with me before. 
I won't go into therapy though. Not until I find a job. I did research and they don't take that less money for online sessions. It's still too expensive for me. It actually would have been too expensive even if I had my previous job. It's not that easy to just go into therapy

[Batya33]

I suggest you check out some of Martha Beck's work and her website for insights.  I'm glad you plan to take responsibility for how you react to your feelings and you will choose to interact with this person in a respectful and thoughtful way.

[boltnrun]

46 minutes ago, CryingDuckie said:

I'll try to restrain myself from doing it as much as I can.

This is the problem. You still think it's a matter of 'trying'. My signature line says "Do, or do not. There is no 'try'". When you start typing out that five paragraph message begging him to say he loves you and asking him to promise you a future together you do not have to tap "send", do you? Nothing is forcing you. 

Just knowing something is a bad idea doesn't get into the reasons why you're so fixated on this man. And your depression will not just go away (although it would be great if it did). You have to actively make changes. 

Think of one thing you can do today that's different. Something you enjoy, even if it's just a walk to a place with a pretty view or watching the sunset with a coffee in your hands. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

This is the problem. You still think it's a matter of 'trying'. My signature line says "Do, or do not. There is no 'try'"

Completely agree. This morning I had to restrain myself from micromanaging/nagging my husband even though I was very stressed that he wouldn't be able to manage a complicated pick up of our son and drop off with a friend's mom.  I had to self-talk and remind myself that I have to trust him. 

[CryingDuckie]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I suggest you check out some of Martha Beck's work and her website for insights.  I'm glad you plan to take responsibility for how you react to your feelings and you will choose to interact with this person in a respectful and thoughtful way.

Okay! I will check her! I really would like to use all proper available sources. Right now I go from site to site and watch a video after a video, and not all seem good, and it feels a bit overwhelming since it's a start. But I'll check her out.. Thank you..

[DarkCh0c0]

6 minutes ago, CryingDuckie said:

Okay! I will check her! I really would like to use all proper available sources. Right now I go from site to site and watch a video after a video, and not all seem good, and it feels a bit overwhelming since it's a start. But I'll check her out.. Thank you..

You can also order books that talk about codependency. These will be consistent, reliable and they'll have a handful of strategies to try.

[CryingDuckie]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

This is the problem. You still think it's a matter of 'trying'. My signature line says "Do, or do not. There is no 'try'". When you start typing out that five paragraph message begging him to say he loves you and asking him to promise you a future together you do not have to tap "send", do you? Nothing is forcing you. 

Just knowing something is a bad idea doesn't get into the reasons why you're so fixated on this man. And your depression will not just go away (although it would be great if it did). You have to actively make changes. 

Think of one thing you can do today that's different. Something you enjoy, even if it's just a walk to a place with a pretty view or watching the sunset with a coffee in your hands. 

Not exactly. As with the anxious attachment style when people start thinking of living without a partner they get frightened, or when they start questioning the partner's love which is often drawn from low self esteem initially, etc, such cases. It causes high levels of anxiety and the attention, care, love and responsiveness feels like a remedy. And anxiety attack isn't something one can often successfully control. When I sent him messages like this, asking for reassurance, I was forced. I was forced to send the message. I was forced to seek a fix. I could not control it. I was forced because that's exactly what I was. Anxious. 

I'm not fixated on him. I wasn't like this for the first 2,5 years of our relationship or every day for the other 2,5 years. Last autumn we didn't have any issues like these for 4 months, for example. I do love him. Why no one just simply believe that. I do love him, I care about his health, happiness, future and his family, and whether he looks before he crosses the road. I want his dreams to come true and him to be warm. Everything. Each time it feels like I have to prove to you all that our love was pure and real and is there and is not a joke and is not something to belittle. I simply love him and yes, we established that I'm selfish. I am selfish and want to be with him and care for him always and make him feel loved and safe, content and comfortable. That's why I want to ask for a chance. I'm not seeking a fix or a remedy. I'm seeking a new healthy beginning because now I know why I did what I did and that I couldn't help it and now that I'm determined to be better and feel better. My love for him isn't the heart of my mental issues. If I do my best and fix myself, no matter how much time it takes, my love for him will not disappear or be destroyed. He's loved and it'll never change. And I'm selfish - want to be with him too

[CryingDuckie]

8 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

You can also order books that talk about codependency. These will be consistent, reliable and they'll have a handful of strategies to try.

I was going to search for some books, yeah! I'll go to the library first, check there. If I can get any online for free, I'll get those too.. But unfortunately I got laid off and I think I should be sensible for now and not order books or pay for the therapy. I know it's as important as food, water and sleep. But a job search might take a long time considering the situation here

[Batya33]

If any book or therapist suggests that someone having a panic or anxiety attack is “forced” to click send or send a message discard that book and or end the relationship with the therapist.  Particularly with texting or anything requiring you to click something you always have a choice.  You also have a choice to put your device out of sight in advance if you can see you’re having thoughts even only a few of making contact. 
I physically put my phone out of sight regularly so I’m not tempted to look at Facebook while I’m working. I also physically put it aside or face down if my husband or son want to talk to me so I can make proper eye contact and not be tempted to look at the darn phone.  I’ve said things impulsively that were hurtful - I get that.  And I own that impulse doesn’t mean forced.  I’ve been really angry at my son who is great at pushing buttons. And knowing that I have tools in advance as to how to react appropriately.  No forcing by you either. 

[boltnrun]

5 minutes ago, CryingDuckie said:

When I sent him messages like this, asking for reassurance, I was forced. I was forced to send the message. I was forced to seek a fix. I could not control it. I was forced because that's exactly what I was. Anxious. 

Sorry, but this is untrue 

I do know about anxiety. I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder at the highest level of the scale by a psychiatrist AND a psychologist. And yet, I was never "forced" to do anything like send messages. I was anxious about many things but I worked with professionals to learn to manage my anxiety.

A self diagnosis of anxiety or  some kind of "attachment style" or of codependency doesn't mean you're helpless and cannot control your own actions. I'm not sure where you got this information but it is absolutely inaccurate.

And no one is saying your feelings are false. It's your ACTIONS we're talking about. Feelings legitimately exist, but how we act on them is always a choice.

I just don't think it's a good idea to go down a rabbit hole of deciding you have no responsibility for or control over your own actions.

[CryingDuckie]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

If any book or therapist suggests that someone having a panic or anxiety attack is “forced” to click send or send a message discard that book and or end the relationship with the therapist.  Particularly with texting or anything requiring you to click something you always have a choice.  You also have a choice to put your device out of sight in advance if you can see you’re having thoughts even only a few of making contact. 
I physically put my phone out of sight regularly so I’m not tempted to look at Facebook while I’m working. I also physically put it aside or face down if my husband or son want to talk to me so I can make proper eye contact and not be tempted to look at the darn phone.  I’ve said things impulsively that were hurtful - I get that.  And I own that impulse doesn’t mean forced.  I’ve been really angry at my son who is great at pushing buttons. And knowing that I have tools in advance as to how to react appropriately.  No forcing by you either. 

When people with anxious attachment style get, well, anxious they seek for the only remedy they know - reassurance from the partner. 
Dealing with an anxiety of any kind and dealing with addiction to your phone seem to be different things. Unless you look at your phone in an anxiety. I guess. I don't know how other people are when they are anxious but when I'm anxious it seems impossible to stop my mind from going in the wrong direction that would make it even worse. Nothing and no one would reason with me. I wanted to stop being anxious, so I asked him for reassurance, pressed the button. I saw no other solution or way to help myself

[boltnrun]

6 minutes ago, CryingDuckie said:

when I'm anxious it seems impossible to stop my mind from going in the wrong direction that would make it even worse.

Again, these are thoughts and feelings. No, you are not always able to control thoughts and feelings but you absolutely can control your actions. 

At my anxious worst I wanted to stay inside and lie on my couch in the fetal position, crying. I didn't want to be like that. So instead of giving in to those thoughts and feelings I sought healthier solutions with research AND with strong professional support. 

It's always a choice. 

[CryingDuckie]

20 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Sorry, but this is untrue 

I do know about anxiety. I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder at the highest level of the scale by a psychiatrist AND a psychologist. And yet, I was never "forced" to do anything like send messages. I was anxious about many things but I worked with professionals to learn to manage my anxiety.

A self diagnosis of anxiety or  some kind of "attachment style" or of codependency doesn't mean you're helpless and cannot control your own actions. I'm not sure where you got this information but it is absolutely inaccurate.

And no one is saying your feelings are false. It's your ACTIONS we're talking about. Feelings legitimately exist, but how we act on them is always a choice.

I just don't think it's a good idea to go down a rabbit hole of deciding you have no responsibility for or control over your own actions.

I never ever said that I don't hold myself responsible for my actions. Quite the opposite, I've repeated that I'm at fault for what I've done many times. And I never said I didn't have control over my actions. I said I couldn't control myself multiple times. Couldn't control because didn't know how. Many times people said here just don't do this, don't do that, if you love him let him go, give him space, don't pester him, don't send him messages, don't call, don't press the button. As if it's so easy to do that. You say it was my choice how I acted. But have you considered that maybe, just maybe, it was hard for me not do some things. Or all of them. I've been told multiple times. God, I've been told so many things here Told that I'm selfish because I did those things, didn't consider his feelings, didn't respect his boundaries. I know full well all that and knew that years ago. I simple was scared. I was anxious, breathing heavily, heart beating fast, scared he didn't love me anymore, that would get cause just by him being busy. Wrong and irrational and plain stupid, I know full well. But I could not help it, could not control it. I pressed the button, pestered him. Or I would go for a walk or hold ice or splash my face with cold water, wash away tears dropping endlessly. And it didn't help. And so I pestered him because I didn't want to cry and be hurt and be scared. I wanted the remedy. 

I know what you'll say. You'll say that I COULD control my actions. 
But consider that I acted based on my feelings, anxiety. Yes, it was my choice to either pester him or not. But I did it because of pain, because of anxiety. My choices were to either get the remedy or continue the fear of rejection or abandonment or love being gone. Being anxious and scared I chose the remedy because I don't like being in pain

[boltnrun]

You could and can control your actions.

How are you going to stop these actions if you truly believe you have no control over them? 

And this thought process of yours is why we have so strongly recommended professional help. In one sentence you claim you accept responsibility and in the next you say you had no control over your actions. We're just trying to illustrate that you do in fact have complete and total control over your actions. And that a professional can be of immense help.