Can I ask the love of my life for one last chance? Even though I should call him.. ex now

[CryingDuckie]

Hello everyone and thank you if you read my message.. I'm afraid it'll be big cause that's how I usually am but I'll try to be laconic...

I've had a.. man in my life for 5 years.. And I dreamed we'd get married one day.. he was my boyfriend for the first 2,5 years and then he was my best friend for the next 2,5 years. We were very very happy but about 2,5 years ago we started fighting. Almost all of those fights were because of me. I was stressed by work and other things, and picked fights with him. Because of something that I'll explain a little later. We would get periods of fighting, me crying, begging for his attention, or sympathy, or kindness, calling him or texting a lot to make him talk to me - I couldn't control myself. He was.. naturally pushed away by all that. And he broke up our relationship 2,5 years ago. I was.. crushed... But he gave me hope that if we stop fighting, we can have a chance. I tried my best!!! I really really did.. But I couldn't control myself and we kept fighting from time. But we had good periods too! It was in turns sort of.. Once we didn't even fight for 4 months!

From time to time he would say or send me amazingly beautiful messages, sometimes big, sometimes just a sentence. But they all had so.. much.. love and care in them. He said, "You are loved massive amounts and that will never change''. I kept repeating that to myself over and over, saved all his messages and reread them. I believed in those words. The thing he said that I just mentioned he said a year ago. A lot of time after the first break-up. He has the kindest and the biggest heart on this planet... He has supported me through so much badness, pulled me out of so many dark times, cared for me just.. tons and loved me.. massive amounts. He's the most intelligent, funniest, smartest, honest and trustworthy, purest and beautiful inside and out person on earth.. I adore how cheeky he is, his jokes and sarcasm. We have tons in common! I've never met anyone with who I'd have so much in common! And he used to love that fact, too - about common things. He's all-round... I don't even know the right word.. He's perfect.. 

But I ruined it all. We kept fighting after the break-up. And that tells about how patient he is.. And I had the hope that if we stop fighting so much, we'd be together. But the last couple of months he was distant. He has a lot on his plate right now, his life situation has been really really dire.. And I wish I had been supporting him but.. he didn't really need my support. I kept texting him wondering why he's not there as much as before (we had a long-distance relationship), kept saying that I wanted to spend together like before, watch something together, talk, I kept saying that I'm always there if he needs me, to support him, to care for him.. And I also kept pestering him why he doesn't use any of the many cute nicknames he had for me anymore. Kept asking why he's so distant, doesn't he love me anymore or something. Then he went to a rural village for a week and why he was getting ready just before leaving for the train I kept asking him this: "You said you loved me massive amount.. just please tell me.. is it still true?" He was ignoring that message, so I kept asking until he got mad and said "Nothing changed. <my name>, remember the break". I guess he meant that his trip is also a break for us. After he returned I tried to control myself as much as I could and no issues happened for 1,5 weeks..

As you can imagine, the last couple of months I pestered him a lot. The change was really significant and so my worries were huge. 5 messages a day at most was night and day, compared to as far as August. So yeah.. I kept pestering him.. Until 2,5 weeks ago we had another issue like this and in the middle of conversation (or in the end to be precise) I said "You used to give me hope that we'd be together if we stop fighting, is it still there?". And then he said.. he "can't see it happening", "it isn't going to happen". I won't tell you what it did to me, how I felt, and how I've been feeling ever since. Shortly, something died inside me

Now to the core of why I caused any fights. I was on the therapy app talking to a listener, and she said that I relied on him for happiness, and it's toxic. So I searched for videos "How to stop relying on people for happiness". Found out there's this thing - emotional codependency.. I've never hurt of it before but researched, and I think I got, and it comes from childhood - my dad was either absent for months or drunk for weeks when he was at home. And I think that my codependency got worse with time because life has taken its toll on me and instead of growing and maturing, I shrank as a person. I started to rely on him more and more with time until the point that I needed to hear words of life today, and I'd doubt them again tomorrow if he's a bit busy. I see now that I couldn't control it. I see now that it wasn't him, but me. Before I didn't think for a moment something was wrong with me and when he said I needed help, I got hurt by his words and threw a fight.. Before I thought "why can't he just show his love a bit more, say it more often, he used to say such beautiful things (to be fair he did stop saying them in the last half a year) and now he doesn't, doesn't he love me anymore.. Now I see it was my codependency..

I'm utterly utterly crushed.. I love him with all my heart, more than anything else I love in this world combined, more than Tolkien, ice-cream, cute animals, especially duckling, more than everything and anything. And more than anything in the world I want to be with him, care for him, make him happy, make him smile.. 

So if anyone could give me some advice... I started working on my codependency, to recover from it. As well as self-love, self-forgiveness, how to be happy on your own and how to be to less dramatic. I know it takes time.. But when the.. break-up had happened and after 3 days of not getting up from bed, not eating, I sent him a message in which I said that I only blamed myself, that I always believed his words that his love would never change, but I see now that feelings change, words don't stick, that my heart was his to break and that I'll love him for the rest of my days.. He replied with a big and kind message in which he said that.. it doesn't mean that love is gone, he cares a lot about how I'm doing and that I'm a genuinely lovely person and that the only thing he's changing is that we should be good friends only. I asked back: "But if you love, why will you not give me a hope that one day we can be together?". He replied: "Because it could be false hope. It's difficult. It's very difficult."

I tried my best not to draw any hope from it.. But when I discovered that I'm emotionally codependent a few days ago, a tiny tiny flickering lantern of hope against all hope was born in my heart.. I thought of an idea.. To write to him in January on the date when he offered to be his gf 5 years ago (it'll be 1,5 months since the "break-up" and tell him that it was a disorder in me, that I couldn't control myself calling and begging for love, that I didn't know I had it otherwise I would have started to recover long long ago, that I never meant to push him away, that I was wrong in my beliefs.. And ask for one last chance.. Not to make me his girlfriend again, but for a hope.. for a hope to be together one day, one last hope like he used to give me. Ask him for his hand while I tackle my issues.. I want him to be happy more than anything in the world, and I know some of you might think and say I should respect his wishes and let him go.. But I love him.. And I wish I could be with him.. so much. He said himself no one loved him as much as I did, he never saw as much love in someone's eyes as in mine.. It's still true. It's even more love than when he said those things.. Tons more.. He was my first boyfriend, my first love.. I thought we'd be together one day and dreamed how we'd get married.. I just.. I'm just broken

Thank you...

I also want to add.. as if I hadn't said enough I know.. but I wanted to share with you.. He had a guinea piggie for 6 years and he loved that piggie dearly.. So did I. They were really best friends and it broke my heart to see my ex heartbroken when the piggie passed away. A year ago I thought of an idea.. I decided to make him a pillow. Asked him what his favourite photo of the piggie was and I cross-stitched that photo on the pillow. It took me every day of 6 months and I put so much love into it.. I knew it would make him happy, he also always appreciates things that I made myself.. But now I can't give it to him (long distance and ended relationship). I look at that pillow, and hug it every day too and just.. now I can't give it to him

And also I wanted to add that any closure isn't an option.. He wants me to be in his life, even if as friends, and I want him in mine and I want to be there to support him if needed, to care for him..

[boltnrun]

I have a question or two...

How much time have you spent physically in person with this man? And when was the last time you saw him physically in person? How far apart are the two of you? 

Do you have close friends where you live? How about your family, do they live nearby?

It doesn't matter what he said or did or wrote over a year ago. If what drove the two of you apart was you pestering him and excessively messaging him, the last thing you should do is send him more long messages. It shows you don't respect his wishes.

What does your therapist say about this situation?

[CryingDuckie]

32 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I have a question or two...

How much time have you spent physically in person with this man? And when was the last time you saw him physically in person? How far apart are the two of you? 

Do you have close friends where you live? How about your family, do they live nearby?

It doesn't matter what he said or did or wrote over a year ago. If what drove the two of you apart was you pestering him and excessively messaging him, the last thing you should do is send him more long messages. It shows you don't respect his wishes.

What does your therapist say about this situation?

Thank you for your reply!!! I appreciate it hugely..

We spent a few months together overall, the last time was December 2019. Then covid happened and we couldn't meet. Then when we could finally meet last winter in a 3rd country (since our countries were still closed) he didn't have enough money and of course, he refused to let me pay for him. Then something else happened that I can't mention as it'll reveal my country and I'd like to keep it unknown for various reasons.. I offered many times but he couldn't accept. 

I don't have any friends, lost touch with all when finished school/resigned from a job/worked remotely cause of covid. I live with my sister but she doesn't support me.. At all.. She told me 2,5 weeks ago that I should get the grip, start living a bright life and show him that I'm happy and living full life and he'd crawl back. I don't believe that for one bit and I have no strength to do it and will to show how happy I am knowing that he's struggling. My sister sits in the kitchen when I cry, which is all day long, and doesn't say anything any more. It's been days since I said a word out loud.. to a worker in a store. I didn't tell anything to mom cause she'll only be happy and it'll hurt me. 

I don't send him long messages anymore.. Or many. It was only an idea to send one, perhaps it will be big but I'll try to keep it short, and ask him for one last chance. Actually since he withdrew the hope, for 2,5 weeks, I've been as behaving well as he wished me too.. Because I'm just broken. I don't pester him, don't call him, don't nag about how hurt I am and that he broke my heart, I send smiling emojis and if he's not replying, I don't ask why he isn't. I patiently wait even if it takes him 24 hours (it does sometimes). He sends no more than 5 messages a day and for these 2,5 weeks we didn't have any of the issues we used to have not so long ago.

I can't afford a therapist unfortunately. Not anymore. Today I was notified of being laid off.. And it's just something that shattered me as well (although not as much as it would have if I could find safety in his loving arms). I loved my job a lot and they treat us sooo well which is extremely rare for my country. So yeah.. I think I should be sensible now and only pay bills and buy food.. Can't afford a therapist

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, CryingDuckie said:

I love him with all my heart, more than anything else I love in this world combined, more than Tolkien

Wow sister, that is too much. You should never love anything more then Tolkien. Even your husband and kids tomorrow.

Anyway, you have anxious attachment style. Due to your dad never being there for you in childhood. That is why you are seeking reassurances even from men who are emotionally not there for you. And this guy, he is just not that. Not only he is not there for you, but you fight all the time. That should give you the clue that you are not right for each other. And that its time to let go and in time seek soomebody else who could be there for you.

Also, I di implore you to seek therapy. Whether its anxious attachment or emotional codependency, that should be treated with the help of the professional. Think of it as an investment in the future relationships. Where after you go through therapy you could actually have a healthy attachment with the other person.

[boltnrun]

You are clinging to someone you haven't even seen in three years and who has told you there is no future together. 

If you sit in the kitchen and cry all day long, have no friends, speak to basically no one, and just was laid off, naturally you have become depressed. I think anyone would.

Getting treatment for your depression is absolutely vital. Please look into online therapy (which costs considerably less, I do online therapy and my psychologist charges 1/4 of what I would pay in person). This is an absolute necessity, as important as food and shelter.

[CryingDuckie]

1 minute ago, Kwothe28 said:

Wow sister, that is too much. You should never love anything more then Tolkien. Even your husband and kids tomorrow.

Anyway, you have anxious attachment style. Due to your dad never being there for you in childhood. That is why you are seeking reassurances even from men who are emotionally not there for you. And this guy, he is just not that. Not only he is not there for you, but you fight all the time. That should give you the clue that you are not right for each other. And that its time to let go and in time seek soomebody else who could be there for you.

Also, I di implore you to seek therapy. Whether its anxious attachment or emotional codependency, that should be treated with the help of the professional. Think of it as an investment in the future relationships. Where after you go through therapy you could actually have a healthy attachment with the other person.

Sorry about my remark on Tolkien:) And thank you for your message! You actually made me smile there!

The thing is that he WAS there for me for 5 years and he was there for me for 2,5 years of fighting, me begging for more love, when I relied on him for happiness and tried to make and make and make him show his love. He was there for me for 2,5 years, he loved me hugely and I loved hugely but after short or long, I'd feel I needed happiness again. It's apparently what codependent people do. They need reassurance of love again and again. I don't blame him he got tired of this. I'm saying that we should give him a huge credit for the strength of his love and patience. I also don't tend to agree.. Codependency is a sort of a disorder as much as I understand. I couldn't control it. We were incredibly happy for 2,5 first years and told each other we thought we were soulmates and the one for each other. We didn't fight once for 2,5 years. It only started when other sides of my life became stressful.. And then my disorder got worse and worse. This guy is "that" for me.. 

I understand about therapy but I really can't afford it.. Not now or foreseeable future considering unemployment rates in my country.. 

[CryingDuckie]

9 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You are clinging to someone you haven't even seen in three years and who has told you there is no future together. 

If you sit in the kitchen and cry all day long, have no friends, speak to basically no one, and just was laid off, naturally you have become depressed. I think anyone would.

Getting treatment for your depression is absolutely vital. Please look into online therapy (which costs considerably less, I do online therapy and my psychologist charges 1/4 of what I would pay in person). This is an absolute necessity, as important as food and shelter.

I cling to him because I love him, have loved since day one and will love him for the rest of my days.. And my desire to be with him is so massive.. that I drew hope from him saying "it's very difficult". Because he didn't say it was impossible.. 

I'll look into online therapy, I promise.. If it's not as expensive as the ones I saw (I've already looked 2 weeks ago) then I'll go for it. But we'll see:(

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, CryingDuckie said:

As you can imagine, the last couple of months I pestered him a lot. The change was really significant and so my worries were huge. 5 messages a day at most was night and day, compared to as far as August. So yeah.. I kept pestering him.. Until 2,5 weeks ago we had another issue like this and in the middle of conversation (or in the end to be precise) I said "You used to give me hope that we'd be together if we stop fighting, is it still there?". And then he said.. he "can't see it happening", "it isn't going to happen".

You said you weren't pestering him but you said in your OP that you are pestering him (please see above).

He said it isn't going to happen. Asking him yet again isn't going to change his mind.

I understand this isn't what you want, but he would have to agree to a relationship. He doesn't agree. 

I do hope you can find a good therapist who can give you kind support. You're going through a lot. Professional support can be very helpful.

[Jaunty]

To be honest, even reading this was a lot to deal with.  Exhausting.   I don't mean to be harsh.  But dealing with ANY of this kind of thing is far, far outside of the scope of a healthy relationship.  

You NEED to be in therapy and learn whole new ways of dealing with your own emotions and codependency issues before you can be a partner with another person.   You will need to gain some stability so you can be dependable.   No human could bear this level of neediness, self indulgence and lack of boundaries.  Anyone who would subject themselves to it would be unhealthy themselves - that's not to say you don't have good and even wonderful qualities, but this kind of emotional onslaught constantly is NOT a thing that anyone should accept in their lives.  

Your relationship with that person lasted as long as it did only because you never really functioned as a real life couple.  Dealing with people in an LDR is fairly easy because it's only really happening on a screen.  This kind of intensity face to face would be unsustainable.  Also, evidently the guy has a lot of issues of his own, so he's not predisposed to seek a healthy relationship.  Still, he needs out of this.

You're right - codependency IS a "disorder" and it's not your "fault," but how you behave IS fully your responsibility.  You have no friends.  That's important.  No person you get in a romantic relationship with needs to be EVERYTHING to you.  That is stifling and toxic.  You need to have friends; you need help to understand how to BE a friend, and have friends before you can even start to function reasonably in a romantic relationship.

So what you really need to do is stay in counseling and learn how to hold yourself accountable for your choices and actions.  You can't just fight because you feel angsty or whatever; you can't be using a loved one as an emotional tampon because you have out of control feelings.   Getting out of these habits is going to take being teachable, learning, practicing and being accountable.  Please do it for yourself.  You are worth it.  You will be able to love and be loved in healthy, sustainable ways.  

Take care.

[CryingDuckie]

42 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You said you weren't pestering him but you said in your OP that you are pestering him (please see above).

He said it isn't going to happen. Asking him yet again isn't going to change his mind.

I understand this isn't what you want, but he would have to agree to a relationship. He doesn't agree. 

I do hope you can find a good therapist who can give you kind support. You're going through a lot. Professional support can be very helpful.

Maybe it's my English there.. I meant that for the last 2 months prior to the break up I was pestering him. Because I saw how distant he was and so I was worried a lot more, questioned he loved me a lot more and hence asked him about it again and again.. 

I said "until 2,5 weeks ago we had another issue like this". I meant that 2,5 weeks ago we had an issue, I wasn't sure he loved me and I kept asked and then he said he didn't see us happening.

I was broken at the very least and since that day I haven't caused any issues. I didn't pester him with texts, calls, asking for love and reassurances. I kept it friendly, asked how he was, we chatted about normal things. So I haven't " pestered" him for 2,5 weeks

[Batya33]

Agree with all the others. If you love him the best thing to do is leave him alone completely- he deserves space from you and the stress of your messages and your overwhelming neediness.  Be a giving, thoughtful person and leave him alone.  He knows where to find you if he decdies in the distant future he wants to date you in person.  After you are in therapy and after you start to make better choices as to how you behave and treat people then you can consider whether you want to date again.  Don't indulge in his "he's the love of my life" stuff -focus on actions -on treating the people you care about with respect and kindness. You know you're not going to trat him properly and you'll blame it on this disorder you believe you have.  Don't subject him to any more messages/stress.  Step aside and leave him in peace.  I'm sorry you're hurting.

[CryingDuckie]

27 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

To be honest, even reading this was a lot to deal with.  Exhausting.   I don't mean to be harsh.  But dealing with ANY of this kind of thing is far, far outside of the scope of a healthy relationship.  

You NEED to be in therapy and learn whole new ways of dealing with your own emotions and codependency issues before you can be a partner with another person.   You will need to gain some stability so you can be dependable.   No human could bear this level of neediness, self indulgence and lack of boundaries.  Anyone who would subject themselves to it would be unhealthy themselves - that's not to say you don't have good and even wonderful qualities, but this kind of emotional onslaught constantly is NOT a thing that anyone should accept in their lives.  

Your relationship with that person lasted as long as it did only because you never really functioned as a real life couple.  Dealing with people in an LDR is fairly easy because it's only really happening on a screen.  This kind of intensity face to face would be unsustainable.  Also, evidently the guy has a lot of issues of his own, so he's not predisposed to seek a healthy relationship.  Still, he needs out of this.

You're right - codependency IS a "disorder" and it's not your "fault," but how you behave IS fully your responsibility.  You have no friends.  That's important.  No person you get in a romantic relationship with needs to be EVERYTHING to you.  That is stifling and toxic.  You need to have friends; you need help to understand how to BE a friend, and have friends before you can even start to function reasonably in a romantic relationship.

So what you really need to do is stay in counseling and learn how to hold yourself accountable for your choices and actions.  You can't just fight because you feel angsty or whatever; you can't be using a loved one as an emotional tampon because you have out of control feelings.   Getting out of these habits is going to take being teachable, learning, practicing and being accountable.  Please do it for yourself.  You are worth it.  You will be able to love and be loved in healthy, sustainable ways.  

Take care.

Thank you for your reply and advice.. Sorry it exhausted you to read my post.. I didn't mean to cause anyone feel that way

I know full well that our relationship was toxic and I am at fault. I hold myself responsible, no one else. Definitely not him. 

But I don't understand how you got that he has issues.. He doesn't. He stayed with me and bore with me for so long because he loved me no matter how I was. My disorder doesn't defy me. If he didn't leave me when it all started or anywhere in between only speaks kindly and nobly of him. He didn't ditch me as something that's hard to deal with it, toxic, unsustainable, too much, onslaught. He stayed because he loved real me

[boltnrun]

10 minutes ago, CryingDuckie said:

So I haven't " pestered" him for 2,5 weeks

That's not a long time to not be pestering someone, especially since you did it consistently for YEARS.

He said it's not going to happen (meaning a relationship with you). I completely understand that hurts. Of course. But you are currently a bottomless jar of neediness and clinginess and that is not sustainable for anyone, even for someone who truly does care about you.

That's why therapy is a must. You don't want to drive away the people who care about you by constantly pestering them for reassurance.

[CryingDuckie]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Agree with all the others. If you love him the best thing to do is leave him alone completely- he deserves space from you and the stress of your messages and your overwhelming neediness.  Be a giving, thoughtful person and leave him alone.  He knows where to find you if he decdies in the distant future he wants to date you in person.  After you are in therapy and after you start to make better choices as to how you behave and treat people then you can consider whether you want to date again.  Don't indulge in his "he's the love of my life" stuff -focus on actions -on treating the people you care about with respect and kindness. You know you're not going to trat him properly and you'll blame it on this disorder you believe you have.  Don't subject him to any more messages/stress.  Step aside and leave him in peace.  I'm sorry you're hurting.

Thank you for your reply and kind words!!! 

But he said "love isn't gone... the only thing I'm changing here is that we should be good friends only".. He initiates contact, he really does want to be friends. And honestly.. I can't live without him.. I can't do it. If he wants to leave, he'll say so. But I'll never be able to go away myself.. 

I don't blame the disorder. I blame myself that I didn't try to change before, didn't wonder why I was so needy.. And I'm not subjecting him to stress by my clinging and neediness anymore.. For 2.5 weeks.. I know it's a drop in the ocean compared to the past 2.5 years

[CryingDuckie]

11 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

That's not a long time to not be pestering someone, especially since you did it consistently for YEARS.

He said it's not going to happen (meaning a relationship with you). I completely understand that hurts. Of course. But you are currently a bottomless jar of neediness and clinginess and that is not sustainable for anyone, even for someone who truly does care about you.

That's why therapy is a must. You don't want to drive away the people who care about you by constantly pestering them for reassurance.

I absolutely agree that it's not a long time especially compared to 2.5 years of it (to be fair we had it in periods, once i didn't cause any issues for 4 months straight) (but I understand for him it's one big blur when I did take notice of such things because I tried to be good..) 

I will go into therapy.. I will.. And I know you'll most likely say I shouldn't do it but.. Can I ask him in a month (it'll make it 1,5 of no neediness) and during this month I'll do therapy and spend my whole free time researching and doing exercises and everything to recover. So can I ask him in a month.. to give me one last chance.. Say that I'm doing all this, that I didn't know before that I could fix myself and I blame myself, that I'm doing my best to recover. That I'm not asking him to make me his girlfriend again but to give me one tiny flickering hope that we can be together one day after I prove that I'm doing well in my therapy..

He said love isn't gone. And I know I made him very happy before.. He said that I'm incredibly caring and that no one ever cared for him this much before. I still love an care about him, of course. But I can stop hurting him, I'll do my absolute best to recover, to change, grow and mature and I'll never hurt him again with all this.. Never.. 

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, CryingDuckie said:

Thank you for your reply and kind words!!! 

But he said "love isn't gone... the only thing I'm changing here is that we should be good friends only".. He initiates contact, he really does want to be friends. And honestly.. I can't live without him.. I can't do it. If he wants to leave, he'll say so. But I'll never be able to go away myself.. 

I don't blame the disorder. I blame myself that I didn't try to change before, didn't wonder why I was so needy.. And I'm not subjecting him to stress by my clinging and neediness anymore.. For 2.5 weeks.. I know it's a drop in the ocean compared to the past 2.5 years

Yes, you can live without him - you just don't choose to react by making a life that does not include him.  If he initiates contact then you can respond.  I'd respond very briefly and don't initiate especially if you feel needy. Yes you can go away yourself.  It's all a choice - it's so unfair to lie to yourself about "can't" of course you can.  You just choose not to and you act selfishly to him because it's all about you and your needs for reassurance.  2.5 weeks is nothing. Leave him alone and do not pester him for the next couple of years while you get help.  Good luck.

[Batya33]

He's willling to be friends at a distance -chat buddies.  He is not interested in you romantically.  Please don't ask him a question you already know the answer to.  Therapy is not a car wash - it takes far longer than a month.

[CryingDuckie]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes, you can live without him - you just don't choose to react by making a life that does not include him.  If he initiates contact then you can respond.  I'd respond very briefly and don't initiate especially if you feel needy. Yes you can go away yourself.  It's all a choice - it's so unfair to lie to yourself about "can't" of course you can.  You just choose not to and you act selfishly to him because it's all about you and your needs for reassurance.  2.5 weeks is nothing. Leave him alone and do not pester him for the next couple of years while you get help.  Good luck.

I knew I would get replies like this so I thank you nonetheless for your insights and time.. I can't be hurt more than I already am.. 

[boltnrun]

If you ask him again in a month it will just prove to him that you have NOT made any changes.

Expand your world. Don't make him your one and only source of human (well, electronic) interaction. 

[Batya33]

Just now, CryingDuckie said:

I knew I would get replies like this so I thank you nonetheless for your insights and time.. I can't be hurt more than I already am.. 

So get out of your head for a sec and consider if you claim to have loving feelings for him stop hurting him by acting out your neediness and subjecting him to your neediness.  I understand you are hurting but you hurt him a lot.  Acting as you do is not a loving way to act.  Loving is mostly giving, not a feeling.

[Jaunty]

24 minutes ago, CryingDuckie said:

 

But I don't understand how you got that he has issues.. He doesn't. 

"He has a lot on his plate right now, his life situation has been really really dire."

That = ISSUES

And, yes you can live without him, and if you are ever going to be a healthy person, that is exactly what you will need to do.  

You and he have some patterns in place, but some day, this man will fall in love with a woman who is not you and he will not be available for this any more.  It will be much better for you to let him go than for him to have to amputate you and enforce it.  I know you can't believe it now, but it will be empowering for you to learn to say goodbye and not be a slave to your codependency.   

I truly hope that you will take the advice you've received here to heart, and that you'll find the right help and do the work to change your way of experiencing what we call LOVE.  Best to you.

[CryingDuckie]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

He's willling to be friends at a distance -chat buddies.  He is not interested in you romantically.  Please don't ask him a question you already know the answer to.  Therapy is not a car wash - it takes far longer than a month.

I know it. But I didn't mean to send him a message saying "hey, look, I've been in therapy for a month, I'm cured, take me back?". I meant to tell him that I'm doing everything to fix myself and.. Gosh, I love him. I just love him. It's as simple as that. I don't need him to reassure me anymore in anything. I want to care about him as I always have, love him as I always have. I want him to know I love him. Be there for him in everything

I meant to send a message saying I'm trying to fix myself and ask him to give me hope again that we can be together in the future. And overtime prove him I'm recovering

[CryingDuckie]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

If you ask him again in a month it will just prove to him that you have NOT made any changes.

Expand your world. Don't make him your one and only source of human (well, electronic) interaction. 

I don't understand.. Isn't me telling him that I'm working on fixing myself is a change. Isn't no issues for 1,5 months is a change (as it will be 1,5 months in a month) 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, CryingDuckie said:

I know it. But I didn't mean to send him a message saying "hey, look, I've been in therapy for a month, I'm cured, take me back?". I meant to tell him that I'm doing everything to fix myself and.. Gosh, I love him. I just love him. It's as simple as that. I don't need him to reassure me anymore in anything. I want to care about him as I always have, love him as I always have. I want him to know I love him. Be there for him in everything

I meant to send a message saying I'm trying to fix myself and ask him to give me hope again that we can be together in the future. And overtime prove him I'm recovering

If you want to act in a loving way I would do the following - I would not make it about me or ask him to "give you hope".  Make it all about him.  Tell him "I am writing to you because I care about you and want to be there for you.  If you need anything - and I can help or support or just listen - just let me know and I will do my utmost.  I've been going to therapy to work on some personal issues and so far it's going ok.  I hope you're doing ok and I look forward to being in touch if you would like -I will leave that to you because I know in the past I've been a burden and I no longer want to be one because I care about you.  

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, CryingDuckie said:

I don't understand.. Isn't me telling him that I'm working on fixing myself is a change. Isn't no issues for 1,5 months is a change (as it will be 1,5 months in a month) 

No, it's not a change that has any relevance at all to being in a healthful in person romantic relationship with someone you've treated very badly over a very long period of time.