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CryingDuckie

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  1. That is very true! I'm quite ashamed really how I was yesterday... I really am grateful for all the help here! Already got an appointment with a therapist for Tuesday:)
  2. Thank you guys for everything.. I feel calmer now after I got some sleep, didn't sleep the previous night. And yes.. I will seek professional help, without delay..
  3. Alright. I understood. Just yet more reasons and pushes to blame and hate myself for everything and never forgive
  4. I never ever said that I don't hold myself responsible for my actions. Quite the opposite, I've repeated that I'm at fault for what I've done many times. And I never said I didn't have control over my actions. I said I couldn't control myself multiple times. Couldn't control because didn't know how. Many times people said here just don't do this, don't do that, if you love him let him go, give him space, don't pester him, don't send him messages, don't call, don't press the button. As if it's so easy to do that. You say it was my choice how I acted. But have you considered that maybe, just maybe, it was hard for me not do some things. Or all of them. I've been told multiple times. God, I've been told so many things here Told that I'm selfish because I did those things, didn't consider his feelings, didn't respect his boundaries. I know full well all that and knew that years ago. I simple was scared. I was anxious, breathing heavily, heart beating fast, scared he didn't love me anymore, that would get cause just by him being busy. Wrong and irrational and plain stupid, I know full well. But I could not help it, could not control it. I pressed the button, pestered him. Or I would go for a walk or hold ice or splash my face with cold water, wash away tears dropping endlessly. And it didn't help. And so I pestered him because I didn't want to cry and be hurt and be scared. I wanted the remedy. I know what you'll say. You'll say that I COULD control my actions. But consider that I acted based on my feelings, anxiety. Yes, it was my choice to either pester him or not. But I did it because of pain, because of anxiety. My choices were to either get the remedy or continue the fear of rejection or abandonment or love being gone. Being anxious and scared I chose the remedy because I don't like being in pain
  5. When people with anxious attachment style get, well, anxious they seek for the only remedy they know - reassurance from the partner. Dealing with an anxiety of any kind and dealing with addiction to your phone seem to be different things. Unless you look at your phone in an anxiety. I guess. I don't know how other people are when they are anxious but when I'm anxious it seems impossible to stop my mind from going in the wrong direction that would make it even worse. Nothing and no one would reason with me. I wanted to stop being anxious, so I asked him for reassurance, pressed the button. I saw no other solution or way to help myself
  6. I was going to search for some books, yeah! I'll go to the library first, check there. If I can get any online for free, I'll get those too.. But unfortunately I got laid off and I think I should be sensible for now and not order books or pay for the therapy. I know it's as important as food, water and sleep. But a job search might take a long time considering the situation here
  7. Not exactly. As with the anxious attachment style when people start thinking of living without a partner they get frightened, or when they start questioning the partner's love which is often drawn from low self esteem initially, etc, such cases. It causes high levels of anxiety and the attention, care, love and responsiveness feels like a remedy. And anxiety attack isn't something one can often successfully control. When I sent him messages like this, asking for reassurance, I was forced. I was forced to send the message. I was forced to seek a fix. I could not control it. I was forced because that's exactly what I was. Anxious. I'm not fixated on him. I wasn't like this for the first 2,5 years of our relationship or every day for the other 2,5 years. Last autumn we didn't have any issues like these for 4 months, for example. I do love him. Why no one just simply believe that. I do love him, I care about his health, happiness, future and his family, and whether he looks before he crosses the road. I want his dreams to come true and him to be warm. Everything. Each time it feels like I have to prove to you all that our love was pure and real and is there and is not a joke and is not something to belittle. I simply love him and yes, we established that I'm selfish. I am selfish and want to be with him and care for him always and make him feel loved and safe, content and comfortable. That's why I want to ask for a chance. I'm not seeking a fix or a remedy. I'm seeking a new healthy beginning because now I know why I did what I did and that I couldn't help it and now that I'm determined to be better and feel better. My love for him isn't the heart of my mental issues. If I do my best and fix myself, no matter how much time it takes, my love for him will not disappear or be destroyed. He's loved and it'll never change. And I'm selfish - want to be with him too
  8. Okay! I will check her! I really would like to use all proper available sources. Right now I go from site to site and watch a video after a video, and not all seem good, and it feels a bit overwhelming since it's a start. But I'll check her out.. Thank you..
  9. I know nobody trusts a word I'm saying but I will not "pester" him anymore. Almost 3 weeks now I haven't done it and I'm in the worst shape ever, much worse than I was before, way before, more than a year ago. And I didn't cause a singe issue in these 3 weeks. Mostly because I realised WHY I did what I did and pestered him but also because of a fear that if I continue like this, his next step will be cutting all communication off. Somehow I changed a tiny bit better towards healing. The realisation why I'm like this and fear to lose him even more did the trick. I am not saying I'm cured. I'm saying that it helped me stop pestering him. We talk about normal things now. We talk little but we talk friendly, like we used to on good days (the only change is the quantity). I don't want a chance with him and I do want to ask but I'll try to restrain myself from doing it as much as I can. Yes, I do want to ask him questions like do you still love me, etc. But somehow, I don't know how, I can stop myself from sending it to him. When before I never had a power like that I will keep educating myself on those issues, I'll do proper exercises, I'll do everything. I won't ask him for one last chance even though I want to. I feel immense guilt that I didn't realise something was wrong with me before. Then I would have spared him a lot of pain. I'll forever be sorry for hurting him. So I'll try to learn about self-forgiveness as well although I think it'l be the most difficult issue for me because it hurts me to live knowing I have hurt him for so long (and it's not new for me, I've been feeling this way for more than 1,5 years now). I'm just saying that now I have an additional guilt that I didn't realise something was wrong with me before. I won't go into therapy though. Not until I find a job. I did research and they don't take that less money for online sessions. It's still too expensive for me. It actually would have been too expensive even if I had my previous job. It's not that easy to just go into therapy
  10. That would be an amazing thing to do but I'm too scared to do that.. I can check my general health, okay. But not mental. I live in such a country that if I mention to the state hospital staff how much I'm struggling and how I'm depressed, I'll end up in a mental hospital. It happened to the daughter of my mom's friend. it's not a rule but I'm too scared
  11. Because he just does. He was there for me, supporting me through everything, he was there pulling me out of darkness, not only helping me with real life problems but also dealing with my neediness and asking for love reassurances. He was incredibly patient with me, he encouraged me to keep my head up high, he did many very loving things from helping me to sending me gifts to patiently listening to me complain and advised me here and there. We were going to meet but the covid happened. He could not "show up". He made incredibly gestures that I do not want to share here but he did something beautiful when my granddad passed away last year. I don't want to say what. It's too personal. And other things, from small to huge. All things that showed his love. With the time he has spent with me he didn't have time for himself. Which I hate myself for but I'm saying that he did not have time for another girlfriend as well. And as I said before, he would never do something like that. He is not like that. You do not know him so please stop assuming bad things about people you don't know whatsoever.
  12. It wasn't like that. He meant it. He's an incredibly honest person so please don't judge him as you don't know him. Don't assume bad things about him and don't say bad things about him as well. He truly loved me. Everything he said he meant and he would not be with me for 5 years and put up with my neediness for the half of it if I was just entertainment. I was not. His talk was not cheap. And he is not the way you describe him. You do not know him. He is not like that and he would never keep any girl as a backup plan or entertainment or anything of the sort. He is a good man, kind, with right morals, honest and trustworthy. I was with him for 5 years. I know It's not really relevant but my sister and I share the flat and split the rent. And I have tons of hobbies. I can't focus on any of them. I'm broken
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