A heart to heart with myself

[serialmonogamist]

I am going to be as honest as I can in this post. Just today I have been thinking about family. I do not think of them often. My memories of them are not always nice and pleasant and the ones that I thought were nice and pleasant are marred by the horrible times. I am estranged from all family. The ones I would speak with are deceased now. I actually have a very large family. I have 10 cousins all still surviving. All my grandparents are deceased. I have two uncles, 1 deceased and the other still surviving maybe? He has just disappeared off the face of the earth. 2 aunts. 1 sister and 1 niece. I speak to nobody at all. I am estranged from all of the living family members. 

I have absolutely no relationship at all with my father nor mother. I have made peace within myself that I truly do need to stay away from my father.  It has been 13 years since I have seen him now and he has absolutely no interest in me whatsoever. The feelings are mutual. 

I cut all contact with my mother in December 2019. That was an excruciating and painful time/decision for me. So, it has been four years almost now since I have seen or spoken to my mother. The only times I have spoken to her have been via email. Once to inform her about her final will and her funeral. I was advising her that I would not be carrying out anything she had put me in charge of. Executor of her will and arranging her funeral. It had all been left up to me.  That was excruciating and painful to do as well.  Once was a very brief thank you for the ecard she sent me for my birthday. The last time I emailed her was to tell her to stop sending me an ecard every year on my birthday. I do not hear from her at any other time in the year and she has really made no effort at all to reach out or to attempt to genuinely build a relationship with me without abuse involved. When I cut contact with my mom, automatically my sister stopped speaking to me to. That also resulted in a relationship failing with my niece who was the absolute love of my life. When I cut contact with my mom, a month later I relocated over 4000 kilometres away. I had no reason to stay in my hometown anymore and I needed to move away for my own reasons. 

I have been trying to heal from a lifetime of abuse by both parents in these last four years. I cannot put into words of the harsh reality of how hard it is to heal from what I account for at least 34 years of serious abuse and many different types of abuse from those two alone. Like many people who are abused from a young age and it carries on, many do not even know it was abuse or is abuse. It took me till the age of 40 to realise and it was like an avalanche, tsunami and hurricane all at once going on inside me when the realisations of abuse throughout my life had been happening. 

It has been so very long since I even spoke to any extended family. I do not speak to one aunt (mothers side) because in many ways she enabled my mother and my cousins who are that aunts children, seemed to have had the attitude "how dare you leave your mothers side". They live in another part of the world and have absolutely no idea what my life has been like. So, I do not speak with them. 

Four of my other cousins on my mothers side, I cannot find them. I do not now where they are and I cannot find them. I am sure with a bit of leg work and investigation I could possibly find them but it is not guaranteed. I know three of them live in Holland and one lives in South Africa. Then that leaves three others cousins. I know where they are and I know I can find them. They are on my fathers side. What has stopped me is further pain and judgement. Again, these people have absolutely no idea what either of my parents were doing to me. Sometimes I think to myself, maybe they should know but I venture no further than that. 

I have done all I am able to stay in touch with my niece. It was not her fault what anyone did. Unfortunately I did not receive correspondence back. My sister was/is very controlling of my niece. My niece has not developed her own thoughts/feelings and such. I have seen it. My nice will be going on 17 soon. I grieve for the years I have missed that I did not want to miss. I was a very good aunt to my niece. I provided things for her that her mother and grandmother could not. I wanted to be a really good influence in her life, a good role model and someone to turn to when mom and grandma wasn't an option for her. Through their controlling ways and jealousy they not only robbed me of that opportunity, they robbed my niece of that opportunity as well.

So, I am 43 years old now and today I find myself thinking what the heck do I even do anymore. Do, I keep living my life without any of them as I have been or do I try cultivate a relationship of sorts with the ones that will be safe to do so with? It is hard living without any family at all. So damn hard. I am used to it now of course. I have pretty much had no family for a very long time now. I just thought it would be nice once in a while to have at least one family member to contact now and then and say hi.  

It has taken me quite a lot to write this email and "talk" about my life. No doubt I will experience some heartache the next few days but better out than in. 

 

[Batya33]

I hope you feel better.  Friends can be family too.  Or  you can volunteer with older people and connect with them like at an assisted living facility.

I'm sorry about your niece - I know of other situations like that too.  Maybe reach out a little at a time?  Also the Death Sex and Money podcast has an awesome series on this issue -on Estrangement.  So I am not close with my first cousin but I was with his younger sister -we were really really close and she died before the age of 35 many years ago from cancer.  I miss her so but I never really clicked with her brother who is actually closer to my age. 

But over the last couple of years 2 of his 3 kids -the daughters -have reached out to me via FB -they are in their early-mid 20s and they are delightful.  We have fun conversations over text and I never talk about their parents -other than sending regards etc (I send my cousin and his wife a holiday card and they send me one).  Also the older one remembers her Aunt who died and it's nice to talk about her too.  So it's possible.  I have nieces and a nephew and 5 -almost 6 - great nieces and nephews. 

I have been on and off close with certain of them over the years but in one case -I mean we're not on the outs but conversations with her are so forced and awkward -and I mention that because yes she is my niece yes we have nothing in common really -not enough to build closeness.  But she used to come to my house for sleepovers when she was ages 12-16.  She's in her 30s.  I mean relationships change and evolve and -even fade.  It's hard I agree! 

Baby steps IMO.  Thank you for sharing and sorry for all you went through.  

[serialmonogamist]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I hope you feel better.  Friends can be family too.  Or  you can volunteer with older people and connect with them like at an assisted living facility.

I'm sorry about your niece - I know of other situations like that too.  Maybe reach out a little at a time?  Also the Death Sex and Money podcast has an awesome series on this issue -on Estrangement.  So I am not close with my first cousin but I was with his younger sister -we were really really close and she died before the age of 35 many years ago from cancer.  I miss her so but I never really clicked with her brother who is actually closer to my age. 

But over the last couple of years 2 of his 3 kids -the daughters -have reached out to me via FB -they are in their early-mid 20s and they are delightful.  We have fun conversations over text and I never talk about their parents -other than sending regards etc (I send my cousin and his wife a holiday card and they send me one).  Also the older one remembers her Aunt who died and it's nice to talk about her too.  So it's possible.  I have nieces and a nephew and 5 -almost 6 - great nieces and nephews. 

I have been on and off close with certain of them over the years but in one case -I mean we're not on the outs but conversations with her are so forced and awkward -and I mention that because yes she is my niece yes we have nothing in common really -not enough to build closeness.  But she used to come to my house for sleepovers when she was ages 12-16.  She's in her 30s.  I mean relationships change and evolve and -even fade.  It's hard I agree! 

Baby steps IMO.  Thank you for sharing and sorry for all you went through.  

Thanks for sharing your journey. No, I don't feel better. Time I guess. Who knows. I'm tired of life. I'm tired in general.  It's very late here. Got a big day tomorrow and I'm not really up for it. Not been a good say today. Thanks for the comments. 

[jul-els]

I have the same type of relationship with my family. I don’t speak with any of them and I don’t miss them. Mainly because there’s nothing to miss, since we never spoke before I decided to cut off contact. You should follow your heart. If you truly do want them in your life, make an effort while making sure to maintain healthy boundaries. You won’t know if it can work unless you try. 

[serialmonogamist]

15 hours ago, jul-els said:

I have the same type of relationship with my family. I don’t speak with any of them and I don’t miss them. Mainly because there’s nothing to miss, since we never spoke before I decided to cut off contact. You should follow your heart. If you truly do want them in your life, make an effort while making sure to maintain healthy boundaries. You won’t know if it can work unless you try. 

Life would be wonderful if it was that simple eh. 

[Cherylyn]

I'm sorry @serialmonogamist Yes, continue living your life but yes indeed try to cultivate with the ones whom you feel safe with.  Most definitely.  It's your safe relatives who will be your family even if they're extended family members, they're still your family.  Never stop trying.  However, remain realistic.  If they demonstrate lukewarm behavior despite your best efforts to establish family ties, don't beg your way into a family relationship if they don't share your same enthusiasm.  Be prepared for all scenarios.  I hope you have positive outcomes though.  You have to start somewhere.  It requires a lot of time and patience to cultivate, nurture and maintain family relationships. 

[serialmonogamist]

11 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

I'm sorry @serialmonogamist Yes, continue living your life but yes indeed try to cultivate with the ones whom you feel safe with.  Most definitely.  It's your safe relatives who will be your family even if they're extended family members, they're still your family.  Never stop trying.  However, remain realistic.  If they demonstrate lukewarm behavior despite your best efforts to establish family ties, don't beg your way into a family relationship if they don't share your same enthusiasm.  Be prepared for all scenarios.  I hope you have positive outcomes though.  You have to start somewhere.  It requires a lot of time and patience to cultivate, nurture and maintain family relationships. 

Thank you. The reality and truth is that there are none that are safe for me. I've looked at each individual, individually then looked at everything as a whole. Mentally and emotionally, there is no safety. 

I have made strong attempts and been vulnerable with most of them and tried to cultivate relationships. The efforts were one sided. All efforts coming from me. 

The sad reality is that they are not willing nor does it appear to be the case that they want me in their life, nor are they willing to spend time developing a relationship with me. There is plenty of opportunity to have gotten in touch. They never have. 

Its just too much pain and heartache for me. I've done my best and I have to accept that I'm not going to have family. I've cried all my life. I'm 43 years old now, single, no kids and on my own. I have to accept and let go. 

There will always be a degree of pain and hurt for me in my life. Impossible to not feel at all. However, I did the best I could. 

My life was filled with serious abuse and I had to walk away. 

Yes, I'm sad. I'm no longer being abused though. I would be if I attempted to go back. Not for me. 

 

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, serialmonogamist said:

Thank you. The reality and truth is that there are none that are safe for me. I've looked at each individual, individually then looked at everything as a whole. Mentally and emotionally, there is no safety. 

I have made strong attempts and been vulnerable with most of them and tried to cultivate relationships. The efforts were one sided. All efforts coming from me. 

The sad reality is that they are not willing nor does it appear to be the case that they want me in their life, nor are they willing to spend time developing a relationship with me. There is plenty of opportunity to have gotten in touch. They never have. 

Its just too much pain and heartache for me. I've done my best and I have to accept that I'm not going to have family. I've cried all my life. I'm 43 years old now, single, no kids and on my own. I have to accept and let go. 

There will always be a degree of pain and hurt for me in my life. Impossible to not feel at all. However, I did the best I could. 

My life was filled with serious abuse and I had to walk away. 

Yes, I'm sad. I'm no longer being abused though. I would be if I attempted to go back. Not for me. 

 

I'm sorry @serialmonogamistI hope you can develop life long friendships.  There are people in this world who look to friends as a family substitute and many times friends are better than family.  I hope you can put yourself out there in society and surround yourself with high quality, very moral friends.  Have you tried MeetUps, sports, organizations, clubs, special interests, local church (if you're faith based), charitable volunteerism, community involvement and the like?  People won't come to you.  You have to be brave and put yourself out there is you want to introduce yourself to friends and have friends introduce themselves to you.  Then you cultivate, nurture and maintain friendships in order to sustain friendships and keep them continuously afloat.

[jul-els]

22 hours ago, serialmonogamist said:

Life would be wonderful if it was that simple eh. 

I never meant to suggest it would be simple. It depends on what it is you want. This is the situation. If you want it to work, then it has to be something you’re willing to work on. 

[serialmonogamist]

1 hour ago, Cherylyn said:

I'm sorry @serialmonogamistI hope you can develop life long friendships.  There are people in this world who look to friends as a family substitute and many times friends are better than family.  I hope you can put yourself out there in society and surround yourself with high quality, very moral friends.  Have you tried MeetUps, sports, organizations, clubs, special interests, local church (if you're faith based), charitable volunteerism, community involvement and the like?  People won't come to you.  You have to be brave and put yourself out there is you want to introduce yourself to friends and have friends introduce themselves to you.  Then you cultivate, nurture and maintain friendships in order to sustain friendships and keep them continuously afloat.

I have elaborated on what I'm doing out in the world in prior posts. Thanks for the suggestions. 

[serialmonogamist]

1 hour ago, jul-els said:

I never meant to suggest it would be simple. It depends on what it is you want. This is the situation. If you want it to work, then it has to be something you’re willing to work on. 

As I said if life was that simple eh. Read my responses I've already posted. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, serialmonogamist said:

I have elaborated on what I'm doing out in the world in prior posts. Thanks for the suggestions. 

You seem to have a need to push back on well-meaning suggestions.  I sense - I mean sure it's typed words - a tone, a vibe that is sort of biting the hands that are attempting to feed you so to speak.  Do you feel you are not being understood? Do you feel sometimes like you're the only one who has gone through these really difficult times?

How does it feel when you feel humbled- like in a situation where you realize you are judging someone else (even internally) but then you realize  you've made the same mistakes/shown poor judgment.  (I made a mistake before 6am today -same mistake my husband made last week -and I experienced humility pre-dawn lol).

You say you are out in the world and you have experienced great diversity as far as who you interact with and yet in your push back posts you seem to have quite a narrow view of what works and what doesn't.  I'm just observing. 

I can imagine if you've gone through what you've gone through it's difficult to feel understood, it's difficult to accept suggestions that seem simple/basic because you feel what you have gone through and are experencing now as you contemplate and self-reflect and muse over what's going on -that it's far more complicated and how could anyone understand.  If so that's fine  - but I think -maybe I'm wrong -you're looking for advice and input? Are you really? Or do you just feel better sort of writing it out, maybe venting a bit? I hope you have a good and productive day!

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, serialmonogamist said:

As I said if life was that simple eh. Read my responses I've already posted. 

Hopefully you're not trying to push people away. 

[serialmonogamist]

33 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You seem to have a need to push back on well-meaning suggestions.  I sense - I mean sure it's typed words - a tone, a vibe that is sort of biting the hands that are attempting to feed you so to speak.  Do you feel you are not being understood? Do you feel sometimes like you're the only one who has gone through these really difficult times?

How does it feel when you feel humbled- like in a situation where you realize you are judging someone else (even internally) but then you realize  you've made the same mistakes/shown poor judgment.  (I made a mistake before 6am today -same mistake my husband made last week -and I experienced humility pre-dawn lol).

You say you are out in the world and you have experienced great diversity as far as who you interact with and yet in your push back posts you seem to have quite a narrow view of what works and what doesn't.  I'm just observing. 

I can imagine if you've gone through what you've gone through it's difficult to feel understood, it's difficult to accept suggestions that seem simple/basic because you feel what you have gone through and are experencing now as you contemplate and self-reflect and muse over what's going on -that it's far more complicated and how could anyone understand.  If so that's fine  - but I think -maybe I'm wrong -you're looking for advice and input? Are you really? Or do you just feel better sort of writing it out, maybe venting a bit? I hope you have a good and productive day!

 

Well the most simple way to answer your question/s is in thus way, did I ask for help or advice in my post? 

As well meaning as input has been, it was mainly me writing out what I felt I wanted to express. Hence why I titled my post, heart to heart with myself. 

If that's the way you read my responses, as in pushing back on well meaning advice then that is not really in my control. 

I don't really feel I need to justify my responses. 

As for being humble and showing humility, why? I guess with some responses, I felt judged for not trying hard enough or feeling like I had not done any work to make a difference. Perhaps some people need to contemplate their response before they comment. 

I simply wrote about my current feelings and my life. That's all that it really was. I wasn't looking for help or advice. Some of the comments I found useful, and did help. 

I referred to one post as I have previously posted about what I'm doing in the world with my life in order to point to the fact that the person if they should feel so inclined can see for themselves that I'm doing as they have suggested without repeating myself. Completely optional of course. 

Some answers made it seem so simplistic without taking into account the complexities involved. 

People are going to take what I write the way they are going to take it. That's not in my control. 

I have nothing further to really say. 

 

[serialmonogamist]

39 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Hopefully you're not trying to push people away. 

No, I'm pointing attention to the fact that I have said many things, to read my responses that I have already posted and then perhaps they might see that being judgemental in their response wasn't necessary. It's not my responsibility to sit here and worry about how others take what I write. 

[boltnrun]

Would you consider starting a journal on this forum?

I have, and it gives me the option to respond to any feedback or choose not to. For me it's a better option than posting in a section that's setup to request advice. 

A journal allows you the freedom to post as often as you choose, making posts as long as you choose. It also doesn't require you to go through the steps of setting up a new thread each time. I find it convenient and helpful.

[Capricorn3]

10 hours ago, serialmonogamist said:

Well the most simple way to answer your question/s is in thus way, did I ask for help or advice in my post? 

As well meaning as input has been, it was mainly me writing out what I felt I wanted to express. Hence why I titled my post, heart to heart with myself. 

If that's the way you read my responses, as in pushing back on well meaning advice then that is not really in my control. 

I don't really feel I need to justify my responses.

OP, you have posted your thread on a public Relationship Advice forum - therefore it is open to the worldwide web and open for anyone to comment if they so wish.  If you didn't want anyone to comment at all, then in future please state it at the very beginning.  Also, if you do not want people to comment, then please consider using the Private Journal forum - that way you can post your thoughts, but no-one can post in it.

Side note: Members here are very well meaning and caring people who really try hard to help anyone who is hurting and they give very helpful and constructive advice/opinions.  They are not out to get you.  A little thank you for their effort goes a long way.

[serialmonogamist]

2 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

OP, you have posted your thread on a public Relationship Advice forum - therefore it is open to the worldwide web and open for anyone to comment if they so wish.  If you didn't want anyone to comment at all, then in future please state it at the very beginning.  Also, if you do not want people to comment, then please consider using the Private Journal forum - that way you can post your thoughts, but no-one can post in it.

Side note: Members here are very well meaning and caring people who really try hard to help anyone who is hurting and they give very helpful and constructive advice/opinions.  They are not out to get you.  A little thank you for their effort goes a long way.

I believe I've said everything I've had to say. You're welcome. Don't like the way I am, anyone is free to ask me to leave and I will have no problem in doing so. 

I'm 43, a mature adult. Not a child whom is new to the world wide web. 

If you are nota mod here or some hugely significant part of the overall running of the site and how it functions, then this is just personal opinions really. Do yourself a favour and let it go. 

[spinstermanquee]

33 minutes ago, serialmonogamist said:

If you are nota mod here or some hugely significant part of the overall running of the site

serial... we are a community not a business or the government or military.  The majority of us are here to help and/or seek help.  i lurked in ~2005, joined in 2007, and have been coming whenever i am in need of advice from a wide variety of people.  i hang around to see if there is anything i can offer in return.  not a quid pro quo, mind you, just an "it would be great if anything i threw out there could help someone."

Please be civil to the community.  Thank you for posting and all the best in your relationships.

🙂

[boltnrun]

53 minutes ago, serialmonogamist said:

I believe I've said everything I've had to say. You're welcome. Don't like the way I am, anyone is free to ask me to leave and I will have no problem in doing so. 

I'm 43, a mature adult. Not a child whom is new to the world wide web. 

If you are nota mod here or some hugely significant part of the overall running of the site and how it functions, then this is just personal opinions really. Do yourself a favour and let it go. 

@Capricorn3is a mod, I believe.

[Capricorn3]

3 hours ago, serialmonogamist said:

 anyone is free to ask me to leave and I will have no problem in doing so.

No-one is asking you to leave.  There was merely a suggestion to use the Private Journal forum if you don't want advice and don't want anyone to respond to your threads.