How should I proceed in this relationship?

[DarkCh0c0]

3 hours ago, TheG said:

i told her this morning that I just need time to process certain things that I am noticing and certain emotions I am feeling

She's right on so many levels. You can't keep someone hanging like that. Communication is key to any relationship's success and you need to be straightforward with what you think/want.

[Batya33]

I agree with not dressing up the silent treatment or a basic need for a little space with psychobabble or oversharing about your "processing".  It's often how you say it and how much you say especially in a brand new relationship (but in all relationships generally).  Did you "process" how offensive it would be to tell her politely to answer her phone or did you act on impulse? I'm just saying -express yourself simply and directly - "I'll call you tomorrow -I just want to think things over and I look forward to speaking with you"

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, TheG said:

So i told her this morning that I just need time to process certain things that I am noticing and certain emotions I am feeling. And then she replied that this is no way to be in a relationship, if there is something wrong I must talk about it and not try to process it alone.

And why didnt you tell her "Yes, I have an issue with you dating other people and receiving calls from God knows who at 2am while dating me". Its not really a big deal to talk about stuff like that and its way better then you closing into yourself and pretending everything is alright while you pout in yourself.

Also by her answer she already knows what is the issue. She just wont adress it too and is transfering the guilt on yourself. One other reason why you should think of just breaking things up. Again, dishonest people tend to be, well, dishonest. So they would never be at fault and straight up lie if they have to. But if that happend, that needs to be adressed. You cant just play "hot and cold" with her while there is an issue there.

[Alisha]

The most important thing to remember is that communication is key. Talk openly and honestly with your partner about your expectations and feelings, and be sure to listen carefully to their perspective as well. Ask yourself if this relationship is something you truly want and can commit to, taking into account the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship.

[boltnrun]

Like I said before, if you choose to prioritize protecting yourself over creating and maintaining a relationship of trust and intimacy you will have a very short relationship full of turmoil, upset and conflict.

Unless your goal is to have a "drama" relationship you must do better with communication. TELL her if something she does upsets you. Not in an accusatory manner but just stating how you feel. For example, "It upset me a bit that you received a call at 2:00 am. It was wrong of me to insist you answer. But I'm in this relationship to be exclusive and I believed you felt the same. Please let me know if I'm off base here." Saying this might not be well received at first but it should at least start a conversation instead of using the silent treatment or stopping communication as a form of punishment or to passive-aggressively let her know you're displeased.

[TheG]

So crazy thing just happened. We talked about everything and it seems we were on different wavelengths. She thought I was angry because she refused to sleep over. I asked her about the call she received and she said it wasnt a call, she had switched her router on (which I now rememeber) and all the social media messages came streaming in. 

Its crazy how insecurity can make you create your own scenarios. When I think carefull about what really happened that night. Her phone just vibrated it wasnt necesarilly a call.  She warned me about sabotaging what we have and I realised that I was sabotaging what we have 

Regarding the dates, I dont have concrete proof that they were dates with guys once again I think I ended up creating a scenario where she was cheating. When she explained everything I realised that I was just seeing my own things.

I am lucky that she really really likes me and did not leave me for acting like this. I am quite embarrassed but I assured her and you guys that I will not jump to conclusions like that again and that I will tell her straight away when I have an issue. She kept hammering this point 

She said she couldnt stand me not talking to her and thought I was just trying to make excuses to leave her. She is coming over tomorrow, her request. Taking it one day at a time but yea, I might need to see a therapist for my insecurities/fear of intimacy. 

I can tell she really cares for me and her reassurance also made things better 

[boltnrun]

23 minutes ago, TheG said:

I can tell she really cares for me and her reassurance also made things better

Just keep in mind at some point she will get really tired of it if she has to keep reassuring you. This is your issue to deal with. It's not her job to soothe or assuage your insecurities and prevent your relationship sabotaging.

Next time you have a knee jerk reaction to your insecurity, take a minute, step back and ask yourself "is this legit or is it my fear talking?"

[TheG]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Next time you have a knee jerk reaction to your insecurity, take a minute, step back and ask yourself "is this legit or is it my fear talking?"

Thank you...

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Just keep in mind at some point she will get really tired of it if she has to keep reassuring you.

Absolutely. 

I dated a man who was like this. It didn't last long, as I got tired of his insecurity and essentially questioning my integrity. I ended it after just a few months together. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Absolutely. 

I dated a man who was like this. It didn't last long, as I got tired of his insecurity and essentially questioning my integrity. I ended it after just a few months together. 

Me too same exact timing (in 2005). He promised to make changes 3 weeks in which he did, but it was short lived. He's in his 50s now and in the last 17 years I've known him to have one somewhat longer term relationship -almost one year with a divorced woman who he was totally into.  He dates and he looks for dates, he's handsome, successful - and I have no clue whether he still acts so insecure but I would not be surprised if he does.  He'd like to be married. 

[TheG]

I have told myself that I wont act like this again and will make a very conscious effort everytime. Just as Boltrun said I will take a minute, step back and ask myself "is this legit or is it my fear talking?"

[Batya33]

Find mantras or body movements that are go to options to remind yourself to pause before acting.  I do things like focus on my stretched out fingers sometimes pressing my palms into a hard surface or I do 4-7-8 breathing Weil method etc. I’m a mom of a teenager so I need to pause fairly often when I get my buttons pushed lol. Find the simple and basic methods and mantras that work for you. And practice them even when you feel fine. 

[lostandhurt]

Remember when your friend told you not to F this up?  Perhaps you should ask them why they said that?  They may have insights into you that you do not see.

  Best wishes

  Lost

[TheG]

So far so good. Feeling much more secure with her the more I spend time with her, We are finally enjoying our honey moon phase !

[lostandhurt]

Good to hear.

 Don't allow fear to ruin things. You will find being open (but not oversharing)is a great way for her to feel closer to you and for you to be yourself and see if she really likes the real you, not some fake trying to be perfect guy.

It is nice to hear things are going well for you both.

Lost

[TheG]

1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

Good to hear.

 Don't allow fear to ruin things. You will find being open (but not oversharing)is a great way for her to feel closer to you and for you to be yourself and see if she really likes the real you, not some fake trying to be perfect guy.

It is nice to hear things are going well for you both.

Lost

thank you!