Still attempting to heal one year later

[serialmonogamist]

I do not believe people should be without support, yet many are. I hope this is a place where I can feel supported and offer support when in my capacity to do so.

It is very close now to being one year since my last relationship. I was with this person for two years. The relationship ended on the 24 December 2021. No time is a good time when any relationship ends, though the day before Christmas day adds to it being even worse. Christmas time is not a good time of year for me for many reasons and was like that prior to meeting this person, this just added to my pre existing hard times around Christmas. 

I ended the relationship on the spot when I found out that night they were cheating on me. When someone that you love and thought loved you cheats on you the pain of finding that out is excruciating. Especially when you were talking for quite some time about doing life together, getting married maybe and buying a house. It wasn't what I found out that hurt me tremendously, it was how I find out. They pretty much did it in front of me via the way of a deep conversation on the phone very much inidcating they were cheating on me. I couldn't help but overhear the conversation. I just said perhaps you may want to keep your voice down cause I can hear what you are saying. That was met with the reponse to said other on phone, I have just been asked to keep my voice down. 

That was it for me. I was in shock that I was learning that I was being cheated on and then the audacity to patronise me like that was it for me. I do not remember how the phone call between them ended but it was over pretty fast. I remember just screaming saying you pack your stuff right now and I want you gone by 10 am in the morning. I was thrwoing packing boxes into their room, collecting stuff from around the house and just throwing it into their room. They were trying to say we are both on the lease here and it is my place just as much as it is yours. I said, not anymore. I want you out by the morning and if you are not getting out then I will start throwing your stuff on the lawn. They left Christmas day without even a goodbye and we have never spoken again. Less than a week later I unfortunately had to find out through Facebook that she was engaged to be married to the person she cheated on me with. I was not snooping, just another extra christmas present courtesy of facebook. 

It is one year later almost now to the day and I am still trying to heal. I have not really spoken about what I went through with anyone. I find it very hard to talk about. After experiencng that I decided I would not be getting into a new relationship again until if and when I was ready to be in one. It wasn't a good relationship at all but I truly did love this person. I put a lot of me into the relationship. I put up with things I should have never put up with and even when I knew in my heart it was abuse, I still stayed.  I made a lot of excuses for the abuse and I should never have done that either. I can see now that this person never truly did love me. Abuse is not love. 

I feel the most painful thing for me at this moment in time is coming to the realisation that I was never loved and all the times that I thought they were being loving and kind towards me was not love at all. The grief for me is about believing it was love when it was never love. I find myself having to see when I recall a mspecific memory of our time together and break it down to see that it wasn't love at all. Just being led to believe that was love. Then I have to look at myself in turn and ask me why do you think you ever deserved to be treated like that at all. It is so hard not to blame yourself for allowing abuse to continue. It is hard not to put yourself down for taking so much that you should never have taken. 

I am petrified to even try meet anyone in case I miss red flags or warning signs. It is not the first abusive relationship I have been in. I definitely want it to be my last though. I do not have the strength to go through another one at all. In some ways I feel angry with myself for not moving on from someone who moved on while I was still in the relationship and less than a week after the relationship ended. I feel amost like that I am pathetic for even wasting time on it. On the other side of the coin, it is the first time in my life I am even acknowledging how I feel in myself. I am not and have not been in a relationship. I chose to stay single, try heal and work through a lot of stuff for myself. That has not been easy at all. In fact it has been heartbreaking and there have been days I could not even get out of bed with things I needed to confront. These days I truly do enjoy my single life. There are times when I get a bit lonely but I wouldn't jump into a relationship just because I feel a bit lonely. Besides the physial affection side of things, I actually am working out for me what a healthy loving relationship looks like to me. At times I wonder if there is actually anyone healthy, emotionally mature and stable enough that wants to put their time and energy into a relationship? 

That I truly do not know at all. I will just take the time I need to heal and if ever I feel ready to be in a relationship again one day, I will be. 



 

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you're hurting so much.  This was one individual who hurt you and I am sorry. What I might try -carve out 5-10 minutes a day where your entire focus is to be sorry for yourself.  A pity party for that amount of time.  Promise yourself the rest of your day even if you "feel" your feelings you will react by doing something positive or productive for yourself or someone else.  Try it.  

Obviously there are many individuals on this planet who are available for a healthful relationship.  No guarantees that it will be forever or even nearly so.  If you want a long term commitment you have to decide whether it is worth the risks of being vulnerable and it ending.  For me it was but everyone has to make that choice for him or herself.

Being on your own is a choice.  You don't have to date, you don't have to be in a romantic relationship.  I loved being on my own and I also knew for sure it wasn't what I wanted long term and I never ever lied to myself or told myself how it was better to be single because I'd never find anyone.  I never told myself it was better to be single and "free" -I feel freer being married.  I kept the self honesty AND I had a fun fulfilling life being single.  I was single until I was 39, then I was in an exclusive relationship and we married and became parents when we were 42. 

We're 56 now.  It's not bliss all the time.  We don't interact with the ultimate health all the time.  But we have a healthy, loving relationship and family on the whole and we are very good at not needing to be right all the time - resolving stuff, not escalating and being humble.  But it's not bliss and happily ever after while floating on a cloud of passion - passivity has no place in a healthy relationship IMO.  It's a work in progress as I assume many relationships are. 

I see many healthy relationships, bad ones, everything in between.  I have friends who have never been married or even in a truly LTR, friends who've been married more than once, friends married 20-30 years at this point and very happy.  Treat people as individuals and refuse to be jaded or cynical IMO.

Cut yourself slack during the holidays.  It's a hard time!!

[DarkCh0c0]

I'm sorry you've been through this. I can't imagine the pain.

Have you considered unpacking to a therapist or at least speaking to a friend about it? In my opinion, bottling it up does not help you heal. It's the opposite. It's as if you're a cooking pot with simmering content, but you are keeping the lid on. As long as you don't open up to others, all of what happened will stay in your mind as you ruminate and try to make sense of it... Until it becomes too difficult as you are struggling now and the lid breaks/falls.

Talking to a friend would be a very good start. I advise therapy because you mentioned this isn't your first time in such abusive relationship. The right therapist will help you understand the mechanism as to why your stay in abusive relationship and they'll give you tools to do things differently and unblock you. I say this as someone who has been in your shoes and have endured an abusive relationship for years. Once you start appreciating your worth and develop self-confidence, you will attract similar partners and you'll steer away from toxic people at the earliest sign of a red flag.

[serialmonogamist]

42 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'm sorry you're hurting so much.  This was one individual who hurt you and I am sorry. What I might try -carve out 5-10 minutes a day where your entire focus is to be sorry for yourself.  A pity party for that amount of time.  Promise yourself the rest of your day even if you "feel" your feelings you will react by doing something positive or productive for yourself or someone else.  Try it.  

Obviously there are many individuals on this planet who are available for a healthful relationship.  No guarantees that it will be forever or even nearly so.  If you want a long term commitment you have to decide whether it is worth the risks of being vulnerable and it ending.  For me it was but everyone has to make that choice for him or herself.

Being on your own is a choice.  You don't have to date, you don't have to be in a romantic relationship.  I loved being on my own and I also knew for sure it wasn't what I wanted long term and I never ever lied to myself or told myself how it was better to be single because I'd never find anyone.  I never told myself it was better to be single and "free" -I feel freer being married.  I kept the self honesty AND I had a fun fulfilling life being single.  I was single until I was 39, then I was in an exclusive relationship and we married and became parents when we were 42. 

We're 56 now.  It's not bliss all the time.  We don't interact with the ultimate health all the time.  But we have a healthy, loving relationship and family on the whole and we are very good at not needing to be right all the time - resolving stuff, not escalating and being humble.  But it's not bliss and happily ever after while floating on a cloud of passion - passivity has no place in a healthy relationship IMO.  It's a work in progress as I assume many relationships are. 

I see many healthy relationships, bad ones, everything in between.  I have friends who have never been married or even in a truly LTR, friends who've been married more than once, friends married 20-30 years at this point and very happy.  Treat people as individuals and refuse to be jaded or cynical IMO.

Cut yourself slack during the holidays.  It's a hard time!!

Thanks for your response. All that you have suggested I am actually doing already. I do not find myself having to say I enjoy being single to convince myself of that. I actually do enjoy being single. Thanks for sharing. 

[serialmonogamist]

8 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I'm sorry you've been through this. I can't imagine the pain.

Have you considered unpacking to a therapist or at least speaking to a friend about it? In my opinion, bottling it up does not help you heal. It's the opposite. It's as if you're a cooking pot with simmering content, but you are keeping the lid on. As long as you don't open up to others, all of what happened will stay in your mind as you ruminate and try to make sense of it... Until it becomes too difficult as you are struggling now and the lid breaks/falls.

Talking to a friend would be a very good start. I advise therapy because you mentioned this isn't your first time in such abusive relationship. The right therapist will help you understand the mechanism as to why your stay in abusive relationship and they'll give you tools to do things differently and unblock you. I say this as someone who has been in your shoes and have endured an abusive relationship for years. Once you start appreciating your worth and develop self-confidence, you will attract similar partners and you'll steer away from toxic people at the earliest sign of a red flag.

Thanks for the advice. Actually, I do not feel I wish to see a therapist. I find the methods such as reading a lot, studying, watching loads of you tube videos, listening to podcasts, learning to truly love myself, self reflection and putting my own healing first is more than enough for me. I am doing well I believe. I have stopped three potentially toxic friendships from even getting off the ground recently so I think that is progress for me. 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, serialmonogamist said:

I put up with things I should have never put up with and even when I knew in my heart it was abuse, I still stayed.

We teach others how we want to be treated. You caving in and allowing your ex to treat you bad didnt fixed things, it only meant your ex can try something more bad next time. As you didnt draw the line in the sand. Admittedly your ex was a garbage person so it wouldnt help too much. But its something important to know for the later. As it is something you need to correct about yourself in the future if you dont want it to happen again. Dont allow people to use you. And that is indeed something that you would need a good therapist to work with you.

As far as the ex goes, I always choose to look at it in the positive way. Yes, she may have hurted you. But it would be far worst if you stayed, or even married somebody like that. Like this, you "threw the garbage on the street". And now you can live more clean life and in time find somebody who would treat you right. There is no timetable on healing. But I hope in time you would be able to just move on. 

[DarkCh0c0]

5 minutes ago, serialmonogamist said:

Thanks for the advice. Actually, I do not feel I wish to see a therapist. I find the methods such as reading a lot, studying, watching loads of you tube videos, listening to podcasts, learning to truly love myself, self reflection and putting my own healing first is more than enough for me. I am doing well I believe. I have stopped three potentially toxic friendships from even getting off the ground recently so I think that is progress for me. 

Understood.

Then maybe give it some time and try opening up to friends?

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, serialmonogamist said:

Thanks for your response. All that you have suggested I am actually doing already. I do not find myself having to say I enjoy being single to convince myself of that. I actually do enjoy being single. Thanks for sharing. 

Great!  I also enjoyed being single and was for so many years.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, serialmonogamist said:

Thanks for the advice. Actually, I do not feel I wish to see a therapist. I find the methods such as reading a lot, studying, watching loads of you tube videos, listening to podcasts, learning to truly love myself, self reflection and putting my own healing first is more than enough for me. I am doing well I believe. I have stopped three potentially toxic friendships from even getting off the ground recently so I think that is progress for me. 

Some ways I take care of -learn to "love" myself is by getting down to basics -I work out daily, drink tons of plain water and no more diet soda the last several years (maybe one a year -used to be daily!) and I do "self-reflect" but typically it happens naturally -often when I'm working out! I'm glad you also practice good boundaries with others -that's essential too.  I'm not into trendy phrases like "self care" and I don't do yoga or meditate but I do daily stretching to prevent back issues and during those 8 minutes or so also do a lot of focused deep breathing.  Really helps too.  Good luck!

[serialmonogamist]

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Some ways I take care of -learn to "love" myself is by getting down to basics -I work out daily, drink tons of plain water and no more diet soda the last several years (maybe one a year -used to be daily!) and I do "self-reflect" but typically it happens naturally -often when I'm working out! I'm glad you also practice good boundaries with others -that's essential too.  I'm not into trendy phrases like "self care" and I don't do yoga or meditate but I do daily stretching to prevent back issues and during those 8 minutes or so also do a lot of focused deep breathing.  Really helps too.  Good luck!

That's great. It looks different for everybody. Each to their own. For me it hasn't come naturally because I've never done it. There's been a lot to learn but I've made a lot of headway. Especially around boundaries. I lay them strongly. If people cross them, I do deliver consequences and stick to them. I was raised in horrific abuse for at least 34 years of my life so it's been damn hard work. Still more to go. Good luck to you too. 

[serialmonogamist]

12 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Understood.

Then maybe give it some time and try opening up to friends?

I got rid of all so called friends as they weren't friends at all. Have no friends at this stage. I'm choosing very carefully who my next friends will be. Thanks for the suggestion of therapy but that's not the path for me. Been there, done it and therapy is not the only solution to working out things in life. Each to their own eh. 

[catfeeder]

13 hours ago, serialmonogamist said:

I do not believe people should be without support, yet many are. I hope this is a place where I can feel supported and offer support when in my capacity to do so.

Hello SM, and welcome to ENA. I share your hope that you'll feel supported here.

I'm impressed by the way you stood up and gave your ex the boot.

I'd like to address this:

Quote

Still attempting to heal one year later

I once heard someone describe the first year after a breakup as one of 'reclaiming' our milestones, holidays and celebrations.

I thought that was a great way to put it. This doesn't mean that anyone is limited to one year of grief, but it does offer one way of looking at why some people can put a cap on the most painful aspects of their grief at that time.

It sounds as though you recognize good progress, and thank you for confiding in us. I hope you'll write more if it helps.

[serialmonogamist]

27 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Hello SM, and welcome to ENA. I share your hope that you'll feel supported here.

I'm impressed by the way you stood up and gave your ex the boot.

I'd like to address this:

I once heard someone describe the first year after a breakup as one of 'reclaiming' our milestones, holidays and celebrations.

I thought that was a great way to put it. This doesn't mean that anyone is limited to one year of grief, but it does offer one way of looking at why some people can put a cap on the most painful aspects of their grief at that time.

It sounds as though you recognize good progress, and thank you for confiding in us. I hope you'll write more if it helps.

Hi CF. For a person that is introverted mostly and I have not yet made friends I can trust and confide in, this site was an option for me so I will see how it goes. I am pleased you share the same sentiments of support and thank you for welcoming me. 

I would like to ask why you are impressed by the way I stood up to an ex and gave them the boot? 

That is an interesting description post break up. My usual style until I broke that was to get into a new relationship as soon as possible. I did it for many years until I decided to stop, look at myself and work on me. Some of the worst advice I have read is to get over someone, get underneath someone. That is so cringeworthy for me and a definite no. 

Talking about capping grief, I wanted to run from the pain in whichever ways I could but I didn't. The pain was overwhelming to the point that I had to face it. This is my own journey and I will decide when it is time for me to move on a little more, however today I was thinking at some point I need to move on with my life, move on from the grief. Time is a funny thing sometimes, it has been almost a year, it still feels recent, but it's not. I can say I am at least ready to start opening myself up just a little more, not too much. For me there is still some fear. My fear is around not being a good judge of character and it scares me to the point of closing myself up. This is progress though because I can recognise the fear and then work with it. No awareness or knowledge means something cannot change. 

I do attempt to recognise progress, I do not always recognise it when I am in the thick of working through my mess, eventually I do see it though. 

Thanks for your feedback and input. 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, serialmonogamist said:

I would like to ask why you are impressed by the way I stood up to an ex and gave them the boot? 

I appreciate that you're grappling with your tolerance of prior abuses, so you may find it helpful to factor in those experiences as cumulative toward the clean and indisputable finality of your decision.

I recently read that it takes an average of 7 attempts for sufferers of abuse to successfully break from their abusers.

If you view your experiences through a lens that forgives shock as one barrier to usurping your entire life to break from someone you love, you may also want to think of these instances as micro-attempts that culminated in you reaching your limit.

Quote

...Talking about capping grief, I wanted to run from the pain in whichever ways I could but I didn't. The pain was overwhelming to the point that I had to face it. This is my own journey and I will decide when it is time for me to move on a little more, however today I was thinking at some point I need to move on with my life, move on from the grief.

I don't think I used the right phrasing. I should have referred to it as, "...the appearance of capping grief..." because it's likely a rare person who can pick a day on a calendar, declare, "I'm done..." and simply be over it.

Like you, I believe that grief is an individual process. I think a year is something people refer to because it's the end of traditional mourning dress and rituals in various cultures.

Quote

Time is a funny thing sometimes, it has been almost a year, it still feels recent, but it's not. I can say I am at least ready to start opening myself up just a little more, not too much. For me there is still some fear. My fear is around not being a good judge of character and it scares me to the point of closing myself up. This is progress though because I can recognise the fear and then work with it. No awareness or knowledge means something cannot change. 

You might consider that grief and fears are different things. Recovery from grief doesn't imply that you must have conquered all fears and behave accordingly.

I think you've already established that we can separate out getting over a person from being ready and able to pursue another. 

When you are ready, you may want to give yourself permission to let go of one thing without imposing something else.

Much of our work, regardless of whether it occurs naturally or deliberately, may occur in response to an event or a person, but this doesn't mean that we are captive. We can still pursue our works even while liberating ourselves from what prompted those works.  

[serialmonogamist]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I appreciate that you're grappling with your tolerance of prior abuses, so you may find it helpful to factor in those experiences as cumulative toward the clean and indisputable finality of your decision.

I recently read that it takes an average of 7 attempts for sufferers of abuse to successfully break from their abusers.

If you view your experiences through a lens that forgives shock as one barrier to usurping your entire life to break from someone you love, you may also want to think of these instances as micro-attempts that culminated in you reaching your limit.

I don't think I used the right phrasing. I should have referred to it as, "...the appearance of capping grief..." because it's likely a rare person who can pick a day on a calendar, declare, "I'm done..." and simply be over it.

Like you, I believe that grief is an individual process. I think a year is something people refer to because it's the end of traditional mourning dress and rituals in various cultures.

You might consider that grief and fears are different things. Recovery from grief doesn't imply that you must have conquered all fears and behave accordingly.

I think you've already established that we can separate out getting over a person from being ready and able to pursue another. 

When you are ready, you may want to give yourself permission to let go of one thing without imposing something else.

Much of our work, regardless of whether it occurs naturally or deliberately, may occur in response to an event or a person, but this doesn't mean that we are captive. We can still pursue our works even while liberating ourselves from what prompted those works.  

Yes obviously it was very final. Even though I was undeniably in incredible shock the right thing to do was to kick her out and end it for good. It is true that there were many times the relationship had ended but ultimately I did go back. Clearly that was the final straw and the one thing that for me there was absolutely no return from. 

To be truthful I actually haven't fully started to deal with it until now. I guess I am ready to face it and before I was not in that position to be able to deal with it. I absolutely did love this person very much. It was me who did not love me very much. In saying that abuse can be very complex to deal with. A lot of things that occurred were definitely not my fault. 

I agree that not all fears can be or should be conquered. 

Sometimes when I feel I miss her, I do stop and ask myself, well what am I really missing? My answer is companionship/friendship. Not necessarily with her, but yes companionship/friendship. I also need to remind myself because I do forget that she has also moved on, is in a relationship and engaged to be married. Never coming back. 

Thanks for your input. 🙂

[Batya33]

15 hours ago, serialmonogamist said:

That's great. It looks different for everybody. Each to their own. For me it hasn't come naturally because I've never done it. There's been a lot to learn but I've made a lot of headway. Especially around boundaries. I lay them strongly. If people cross them, I do deliver consequences and stick to them. I was raised in horrific abuse for at least 34 years of my life so it's been damn hard work. Still more to go. Good luck to you too. 

I'm so sorry you experienced abuse. It didn't come naturally for me either.  And since I have family and work responsibilities I very often have to actively make a choice to act in healthful ways and that includes boundaries too.  

[catfeeder]

10 hours ago, serialmonogamist said:

I agree that not all fears can be or should be conquered. 

... in order to move on from the person or situation that enlivened the fear. This doesn't mean we can't or shouldn't work through fears. Otherwise, who wants to carry barriers around?

It just means that when someone harms us and enlivens a fear, it's our thing to manage going forward, and we don't need to entwine it with our grief over that person. We can still liberate ourselves to let go of THEM, even while we're still doing the work on tackling our own fears.

Chances are, whatever a person enlivens in us as adults is something we already brought into the relationship in the first place. We don't necessarily know this unless we can see a pattern in prior relationships.

You may want to consider reading a bit on 'trauma bonds' and see what you think.

Quote

Sometimes when I feel I miss her, I do stop and ask myself, well what am I really missing? My answer is companionship/friendship. Not necessarily with her, but yes companionship/friendship. 

This makes sense. One caution would be to avoid holding up potential friendships to a standard of replacing her. 

You're starting in the right place by building a good companionship with your Self, first.

[serialmonogamist]

6 hours ago, catfeeder said:

... in order to move on from the person or situation that enlivened the fear. This doesn't mean we can't or shouldn't work through fears. Otherwise, who wants to carry barriers around?

It just means that when someone harms us and enlivens a fear, it's our thing to manage going forward, and we don't need to entwine it with our grief over that person. We can still liberate ourselves to let go of THEM, even while we're still doing the work on tackling our own fears.

Chances are, whatever a person enlivens in us as adults is something we already brought into the relationship in the first place. We don't necessarily know this unless we can see a pattern in prior relationships.

You may want to consider reading a bit on 'trauma bonds' and see what you think.

This makes sense. One caution would be to avoid holding up potential friendships to a standard of replacing her. 

You're starting in the right place by building a good companionship with your Self, first.

Thanks I will look up a little about trauma bonding.