When It Couldn't Be Fixed But You Still Miss Them

[GotMyLifeBack]

I recently ended it with my GF after living together a few months. At times, we had a lot of fun together, and at the beginning, we both made an effort to talk. Gradually I experienced that she had a terrible temper, which manifested in silent treatments as long as two days, or shouting and door-slamming (by her). In cases where she told me what was going on, I found out that it wasn't about me (though she didn't realize it), she was tangling with demons from her past. I kept saying to her how we needed to talk, that I couldn't stand being on the receiving end of her anger (the way she expressed it, and typically because of her own inner issues). And it would happen again, and each time chipped away at my ability to be open and relaxed around her. I came to feel so nervous, never knowing when she would go off again. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and I ended it with her. I am devastated though, because I really miss what was good about us and her. It was just a terrible dilemma. I don't see a solution, for lots of reasons, but most especially because she refuses to get therapy about her anger. All I know to do is try to let her go, and try again with someone else when I'm ready. I'm so tired.

[kctiger]

100% been where you're at. Fiancé and I broke up after living together a few months. We just simply weren't compatible so I'm very thankful we lived together prior to getting married. Ultimately our lack of communication killed the relationship. Communication is probably the most critical component in any relationship and when it isn't open, honest and habitual, resentment and anger build. 

I miss her every day and it's been 10 months. Your mind has a way of glorifying a relationship after a breakup, where you tend to remember only the good times and the "what-ifs". That's simply an attachment and survival mechanism. It's natural to grieve in your shoes. Trust the process and give it time. Letting go is not linear either. You'll have good days and bad. Keeping yourself busy, which requires legitimate force on your part in the beginning, helps in distracting your mind from wallowing too much. But wallow a bit. She has her own issues and you can't fix what she refuses to fix on her own. Unfortunately this is life. Don't worry about being with someone else. For now, focus on yourself, your needs and your feelings. Good luck and we're all here for you!

You liberated yourself from a relationship which required you to walk on eggshells. That's no life at all. Even still, you'll miss the good times because your brain doesn't think rationally after a breakup, it thinks on emotions. You did the right thing, but it's easy for me to say that because I'm coming from an objective standpoint. 

[Kwothe28]

I am sorry, but yes, its better that it ended. You are not her terrapist or "punching bag" and she didnt want to work on her issues. So you did the right thing by letting her go.

34 minutes ago, GotMyLifeBack said:

All I know to do is try to let her go, and try again with someone else when I'm ready. 

Thats the spirit!

In time it will be better. You wont think about her that much and you could move on. Try to keep yourself busy in the meantime. Take up a hobby, binge watch some show, anything to keep you distracted from thinking about her.

[smackie9]

You did the right thing by getting out of a toxic situation. Of course you miss the good times, who doesn't? One thing for sure is that you needed to protect yourself and your self preservation. So sorry for your loss. 

[moodindigo91]

I'm sorry to hear this happened to you. But you definitely did the right thing by leaving. She needs to heal before she can accept love from anyone. 

You'll move on and once you do you'll realize how much better things can be. Sure, miss the good times. But realize that another future relationship will be filled with those as well. And this possible future relationship may be devoid of "bad" times like the ones you've endured with your ex. 

Focus on doing things you enjoy, things that make you happy, as you embark on the journey of moving on. It takes time, but you should be able to take some comfort in the fact that you did the absolute right thing by leaving. 

[GotMyLifeBack]

kctiger, Kwothe28, smackie9, moodindigo91, I wanted to respond to you individually but don't know how to do it in this format. Regardless, I appreciate the kind and soothing words of each of you. It's clear you all have been through things, and your compassion really helps me a lot. 

A side issue is that although the breaking up was clean and kind (a short conversation), my inner process getting there was months of torment. I was in this tricky position where if I said something "wrong," there was the risk of lighting my GF's fuse. I came to say almost nothing, because as kctiger said, I was walking on eggshells. I wish I had been better able to withstand her backlash (or my fear of it), so that during the disintegration of our relationship, we could have talked about it and turned it around. But I did the best I could, as did she, I believe (with where she is in her life).

[Lambert]

This is what makes break ups so sad and the old song sometimes love just ain't enough comes from.

You did the right thing.  she's not a healthy partner. She won't change.  the cost of keeping things together is one side and comes at a huge expense to you. 

The good news is these feelings will fade. keep focused on your goals and taking care of yourself. 

It'll get better. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, GotMyLifeBack said:

I recently ended it with my GF after living together a few months.  I couldn't stand being on the receiving end of her anger 

Sorry this happened. How long were you dating before you lived together? How did you get along before you two moved in together? How old is she?

Were there signs that she has a temper?  Does she have drug, alcohol, physical or mental health issues that you know of? 

 Whose place was it? Were there other conflicts such as finances, who does more around the home etc.? Did you both work and contribute roughly equally? Did either of you work from home?

Unfortunately only she can address whatever it is. You did the right thing ending it because this was not sustainable. Also "you go to therapy" never ever helps a situation.

You need to reflect on these types of relationships, picking these women and your role in any of that. Focus solely on your own physical and mental health.

[MissCanuck]

You miss parts of her, but not the total package. 

Because that total package includes rage and immature, damaging behaviour. You wouldn't have been able to turn this around. Keep your head high knowing you made the best choice for yourself, and by closing this door you have opened to the door to a peaceful and happy relationship in your life, with someone else in the future. 

[GotMyLifeBack]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You need to reflect on these types of relationships, picking these women and your role in any of that. Focus solely on your own physical and mental health.

Yes, absolutely! I've noticed that I tend to pick women with lots of energy, highly dynamic, and fun. Now sometimes - but not all the time - there is a flip side which is that the energy sometimes comes out as a volatile temper. It doesn't have to happen that way, as I've dated women who were vivacious but had learned to managed their anger without putting it on others.

Thank you for the reminder. It is indeed part of what I have to do.

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, GotMyLifeBack said:

I recently ended it with my GF after living together a few months. At times, we had a lot of fun together, and at the beginning, we both made an effort to talk. Gradually I experienced that she had a terrible temper, which manifested in silent treatments as long as two days, or shouting and door-slamming (by her). In cases where she told me what was going on, I found out that it wasn't about me (though she didn't realize it)

In the beginning is often always good - until you get to know them better. 😕 

You did the right thing, believe me!

It's normal to 'miss them' for a while, especially after a recent BU.  You need to give yourself more time to work through your emotions & this experience.  In time, you'll realize what you did, by leaving was a good thing!

People like this are damaging 😞 .  They do cause you to become fearful & uncertain.  I recall, one of my relationships, last year or so was like walking on egg shells around them!  Not good...

You're tired mentally & emotionally?  Due to the stress it caused you.  And her not seeking help is sitting in denial, that's on her. ( and not your problem) 😉 .

Give it time, you'll come to see the light & be glad you got out of that!

[GotMyLifeBack]

41 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

You're tired mentally & emotionally?

Yes, from the stress, and also grief I think. I know it will change, as all things do.

Thank you for your support. I was having an awful day until you and others stepped up.