My girlfriend(19F) doesn't want to have sex with me (18M)

[givicho]

So me and my girlfriend have been dating for almost 2 years now. I'd say we have a great relationship with few problems. One of them is our sexual life. First of all we both live with our parents, mainly because we are in eastern Europe and there's no way for any of us to move out. I honestly though this was the only problem that held us back from having sex. This summer in 2022 we went on a vacation with her friends and we had a separate room, I was excited because I thought this would be the day you know? like damn I'm gonna lose my card. An hour into entering the room we get all horny and stuff and she starts dry humping or some sort so I go in and make a move.

First response I get is stop, I ask what's wrong?, she said she isn't ready. Okay so this weirded me out because if she's not ready why is she the one going ham on me, this has been the case for the next 3 days of our vacation, like she would literally do all sort of sexual things without going sexual, literally cowgirl with her pants on or some sort. This honestly left me heartbroken and till this day I ask myself why's she doing this. For a minute I thought - maybe she didn't want to have sex because she was on her period. 3 Weeks after our vacation her parents went to a summer house for a day so she invited me over to her house. Again I got excited so after chatting and having fun we start making out, after few minutes I decide to make a move again only to be replied with a no. I don't know how to describe it, I felt my heart drop, like it was empty.

After 4-5 hours she gets horny again and I decide to guide her and yeah I got somewhere and she started giving me a handjob, that didn't last long it was like 4-5 minutes, she said she didn't know what she was doing and she was smiling, like yeah she really didn't have a problem on that (I'm sure we talked about it) but she said she was getting tired and because of it I called it off and said it was fine. Till this day when we have a sexual talk she will find a way to emphasize that she is not ready. This on the other hand breaks my heart, my own girlfriend of 2 years doesn't want to have sex with me and I'm gonna turn 19 with my v-card intact(This in itself destroys my self-esteem). I feel neglected and not enough, what should I do?

P.S - She is not religious, she is a virgin, yes she loves me

[MissCanuck]

All you can do is decide if this is a dealbreaker for you. 

She has been very clear that she isn't ready. You cannot and should not try to speed that up, or it will end  badly. 

I don't think anyone would fault you for wanting sex with your girlfriend. It's normal. However, if having sex is this important for you, then you have to step back and ask yourself if you want to continue this relationship. You might be compatible in other ways, but not sexually. There is no way to determine when she will be ready. If you don't feel you can wait, you need to respectfully step away from the relationship. 

[Kwothe28]

Its different for the women. Women virginity is considered somewhat a precious concept. As it is way different from the men virginity from biological point. So, it could be loads of reasons that have nothing to do with you. For example fearing that it would be painful or how if you would broke up next guy wouldnt want her(I had a friend that grew up in conservative household, she had that fear, she only did it with her husband eventually while she did BJs and all other stuff with boyfriends).

Have you even talked about it aside "I want to do it, no I am not ready"? Meaning has she told you a reason why she doesnt feel ready? 

[givicho]

 

6 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Have you even talked about it aside "I want to do it, no I am not ready"? Meaning has she told you a reason why she doesnt feel ready? 

She has yes. She told me she was scared or that she would freak out if she were naked, well it's something related to her insecurity. I understand and I don't push her into anything but for her to take that long makes me think that she just made up one reason to cover another one. For a fact she has been topless with me, I've held her breasts with her being completely fine with it.  She sometimes asks me questions about sex like what i like, where would i have it, how often etc. Yet she continues to shut me down. It's not that I start talking about sex and she doesn't want it, what makes me mad is that she's the one bringing the topic up, sometimes i feel like I'm in a weird tv show where I'm dating someone from church

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, givicho said:

she is a virgin

Ok then you may need to date women who are ready willing and able to have sex with you because she doesn't owe you sex and clearly stated she's not ready..

[Batya33]

I wasn't ready to have sex at age 19 and made that clear to my boyfriends/dates etc.  We were sexually compatible -we were sexual and desired each other and had chemistry.  We did not have intercourse. If compatibility means both people are ready to have intercourse at the same time then no you are not compatible.  Even if you were having sex she might not be interested each time you are and vice versa and you'd still be sexually compatible.

There are women who will be ready to have sex and if intercourse is that important to you then date someone who is ready to have intercourse.  She is not.  Please don't pressure her.

If you are ready to have sex be sure you are ready potentially to be a father even if you use birth control and even if your partner says she is willing to abort if she gets pregnant.

[abitbroken]

Please respect her.  She is not wanting to have sex yet in her life and it has nothing to do with your worthiness.   She will be ready when she is ready.  It may not be with you. It may be.  Don't try to "get her over her insecurity".  she is not ready and that should be respected.

[Batya33]

Also you are a virgin but not virginal (I was the same - I was technically a virgin till age 24 when I did feel ready but was not "virginal" in my teens/early 20s).  I'd stop focusing on the nonsensical v-card -as I mentioned are you ready for the d-card -Dad?

[moodindigo91]

I find it interesting that you are heartbroken from your girlfriend dry humping you. Your self-esteem seems to be entirely based on your ability or inability to get your girlfriend to have sex with you. This is the main thing underlying your current suffering, if you ask me. 

In any event, if she's not ready, she's not ready. Do not push her or try to coerce her into having sex before she's ready. There's often a thin blurry line between consent and rape. Don't even get close to it. 

Either you stay with her and be patient, wait until she's ready, or break up with her and find a partner who is ready. Those are your only options. 

[boltnrun]

What is this "v card" business?

Do you want to have sex because you love your girlfriend and want to experience sex with her in a loving way or are you just anxious to, as you put it, "lose your v card"?

[givicho]

 

On 10/25/2022 at 1:53 AM, boltnrun said:

Do you want to have sex because you love your girlfriend and want to experience sex with her in a loving way or are you just anxious to, as you put it, "lose your v card"?

Honestly the first choice.

 

On 10/24/2022 at 9:06 PM, Batya33 said:

I'd stop focusing on the nonsensical v-card -as I mentioned are you ready for the d-card -Dad?

Just like any other teenager I'm not ;D 

On 10/24/2022 at 9:24 PM, moodindigo91 said:

This is the main thing underlying your current suffering, if you ask me. 

I've said it before that we have few problems in our relationship. Like any other long term relationship there's a bit of boredom going on, sometimes it gets so boring I question myself whether I love her or not but it really changes rapidly. To me sex just seems like a way to step up the relationship but maybe I'm wrong. But yes as it seems I'm the one suffering myself x)

 

I've read all the replies and I got to the conclusion that I'll just wait out and let it naturally happen.  Not worth it for me to pressure her and potentially lose her.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, givicho said:

To me sex just seems like a way to step up the relationship but maybe I'm wrong. But yes as it seems I'm the one suffering myself x)

Yes you are wrong.  Sex is a way of expressing what is already there in a different way.  If you're not ready for the dad-card make sure she feels the same way and would abort with an accidental pregnancy and make sure there is double birth control methods.