Should I Cold Call?

[Whirling D]

So… I was going to write a whole other thread about my experiences last night… but here goes…

My band played at a small restaurant/tavern last night at their Halloween bash. It was loads of fun.

There were a few ladies that came in that were interesting, but one in particular… She looked about my age, and I found her quite alluring.

She spent time dancing right in front of us, and for at least a set and a half, she stood about 10 feet away singing the words to almost every song we played, while she was chatting with her friend, and fending off this regular who was hitting on her and her friend. It made me a little envious, but it seemed innocuous enough.

So, after our first break, I didn’t have the nerve to go over and say hi, but during our second break, I saw an opportunity to go over and do some band promo stuff and say hi, and we started to chat. She seemed really nice.  We talked about this and that for about 10 minutes, even though my band mates were nagging me through the PA system to get back to work… 🙂

Sadly, she said she was only visiting here for the past week from Wisconsin, but is thinking she will be moving to my area at some point in the not too distant future 

At the end of the break, I asked them if they were still going to be around in a half an hour when we were done, but they said they were going to leave soon… So, I did something that I have never ever done in my entire life. I asked this girl for her number.

She seemed quite flattered that I asked her, and she complied, and I wrote her number in my phone… I was a bit wishy-washy, and asked her if she was sure it was OK, but she seemed happy that I asked.

So, I went home quite happy with the step that I had taken, and quite confident that I would at some point be seeing this girl again.  I actually couldn’t stop thinking about her, which is something that I haven’t done in about a year… I think I’ve kind of hidden in this kind of thing away, given how badly the last two have turned out.  I can fall pretty fast, which is not a good thing.

I went back-and-forth all day today as to whether I would text her today or wait for a few days and not seem too eager… I was going to ask that on here… But I read a lot of Quora Postings, and it went both ways. In the end, I get the feeling that if the girl likes you, it doesn’t matter when you text.

So I texted her, a brief somewhat goofy but nice message. Told her I enjoyed meeting her and hoped we would get to know each other.

That was four hours ago. Silence.

There’s no way to know yet whether she’s ghosting, but I’ll tell you this, if a girl I liked texted me, or I even gave a girl that I kind of liked my number, I’d be watching my phone every 10 minutes to see if that person would text. But that’s me.

I also know there is a possibility that she is traveling today back to Wisconsin, so who knows if she’s even seen it yet. Still, four hours is a long time to not have a text returned.  I won’t be at all surprised, but of course extremely disappointed, if I never hear from this girl again.  That’s not hugely unusual in my case. If I think of my online dating site record, that’s what I can pretty much expect.

it has been a little strange over the last 24 hours since I’ve met this girl. I’ve been cast back into this feeling of anxiety, lower level of depression, and this sense of excitement that maybe something could be different this time.

There is also some thing that happens a lot… People that have trauma histories, and I often wonder if I fall under that category, gets swept up quickly in these kinds of situations, and their heads just start to spin and come up with all kinds of strange thoughts either pro or con regarding a potential partner.

Many times, people with trauma histories often find reasons to sabotage or avoid potential situations, and I found myself doing that not that long after I left the restaurant last night… I kept thinking to myself… “Well, she’s not exactly what I want”, and she’s not this or she’s not that…” but there is a difference between thinking these things and acting upon them, and I’m getting better at not acting upon them.

At the risk of many of you thinking that this is stalking… With the little information I knew, I was able to find her Facebook page and look a little bit more about what she was all about… There were a few things on there that were a bit of red flags, and that sent me into a spin as well, but I’m trying to keep in mind that not everyone is going to think the same things I do and believe the same things I do. 

Anyway, so I wait… See what happens. Almost expect that I won’t hear from this girl, and it just reconfirms the same stupid stuff I’ve been talking about this entire thread.

And so it goes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Kwothe28]

21 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

if a girl I liked texted me, or I even gave a girl that I kind of liked my number, I’d be watching my phone every 10 minutes to see if that person would text. But that’s me.

Not a good thing. For one, it makes you "too eager". Nobody likes that. For two, your hapiness and quality of life shouldnt relly on some stranger texting you or not. You should have other stuff going on.

Ultimately, you need to look at it as not a big deal. If she texts, good, you maybe get to meet her better. If she doesnt text, its also OK. Again, its a stranger, it shouldnt be that big of a deal if she doesnt text.

Also, yes, Facebook thing is a bit "stalkerish". 

But congrats on taking a number. That is what you should do more often in order to meet more women.

[Whirling D]

Thanks, Kwathe…

I appreciate your thoughts. I have been thinking almost all of those same things. I do have other things going on, and I’m not nearly as consumed with this as I have been in the past under similar circumstances.  That spells progress. Or old age… 🙂

still, it will be a pretty big disappointment if I don’t hear back from this girl. It seemed so positive at the time, almost certain that her and I would probably talk again. There was such a familiarity about her that seemed almost a little uncanny. Yes, that is presumptuous on my part, but that’s how it felt to me. 

I suppose I still have a little bit of optimism that I’ll hear from her… Not everyone is as eager as I am to meet people.  I hope she feels good that I texted her… She seemed to feel that way when I asked her for her number last night. She seemed kind of surprised… And it was a pleasant surprise, as if she wasn’t expecting anyone to be interested in her.

It almost seems too bad that our culture seems to devalue when we are eager to meet people. As if desperation is some evil characteristic… Whereas, people are social creatures by nature, and it should be expected that we don’t want to be alone, especially when we are right at the threshold of old age, which I am. I don’t have a lot of years to spin off. If I see a potential for a nice new friend, I should probably feel that I will expect to feel anxious and eager about it. I don’t know why I would need to defend that. It seems that this eagerness is stomped out of us within this culture.  We are often made to feel bad about it.

As for the Facebook research… I do that a lot. When I see somebody that I like, I want to know as much about them as I can, so I can determine whether it’s a mistake to put my energy into it. I would’ve never thought we’d be almost exactly the same age, and I learne things about her that I may not have ever known. I guess that’s one of the advantages of the Internet, these days. I have never abused that privilege, and I do feel that it is pretty important that I don’t cross too many lines.

One of the aforementioned things that was a red flag That was on her social media, it seemed that she was dating someone in 2016, and shortly thereafter, she made a public posting that was meant to devalue the fellow she was dating, who apparently wasn’t taking no for an answer and was using Facebook to continuously try to contact her.  Not something I would ever do publicly if I were her… Seemed kind of odd.

Thankfully, that’s not the way I roll. If this girl ghosts me, I won’t be looking back trying to convince her otherwise. I might text her in a week, just in case something was up, but maybe not. Haven’t decided yet 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Whirling D said:

  I texted her, a brief somewhat goofy but nice message. Told her I enjoyed meeting her and hoped we would get to know each other.

Unfortunately there's nothing to answer here. You didn't even invite her to coffee, a drink a date or anything. 

[Batya33]

I have a different take on this.  I love what you did to act on your interest in her.  The steps you took at the place, how you initiated, how you overcame your fear, etc.  To me it's not as important whether it comes to a date or you ever see her again.  You showed yourself you can do this.  

Are you sure you wrote down her number correctly?

Perhaps unrelated but last month I met a woman who is also a parent at my son's new school. We met at two events as we're both volunteering at the library and we both attended a parent walk/gathering.  I sent her a Linkedin invite (which I told her in advance I'd do).  Then they sent around a list of emails of volunteers and I emailed her to tell her it was nice to meet her and I planned on going to the next parent walk etc.  Nothing.

I saw her this past Friday at the walk -we chatted, I mentioned I'd emailed -she told me she hadn't seen it or missed it (gmail for both of us) -she then found it and replied "Hi" so that she would have the email close to the top of her list. I believe her as it's happened to me.  I don't know if we'll get to know each other more but technology is not always foolproof it seems!

[Whirling D]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately there's nothing to answer here. You didn't even invite her to coffee, a drink a date or anything. 

She is only visiting the area, and I have no idea when she is returning home.
 

I figured, I would say hi by text and try to get to know her a bit over the telephone and then ask her out.  

Can’t say I think that is a bad approach.  After all, I really only spoke to the girl for a handful of minutes.

[Whirling D]

I just found out something else… Someone here wondered if maybe I got the number wrong, or she gave me the wrong number purposely…

Just for kicks, I went back and looked at the white pages search I did, and for sure, one digit is different in the online listing for her in her town.

That means, I either typed it into my phone wrong, (she was looking over my shoulder when I did it, and I had initially reversed two of the numbers when my finger slipped, and she corrected it…) so I thought she saw the final number that I typed, or, she got my text and is just not responding, or she gave me the wrong number purposely.  No way to know.

As I mentioned, I did find her Facebook account, so I could wait a little while to see if she responds to my text, and then consider sending her a Facebook message, but she doesn’t seem to be on there all that much either.

Or, I could put on the big boy pants, and just call the number that I typed in and see who answers. If it’s not her, then I know I either typed it down wrong or she gave me the wrong number deliberately.

What would you do?

This may seem like a lot of thought and energy going into this, but as you can probably gather, I almost never meet women I’m interested in, and I don’t attract women easily, and she seemed like a very good potential… she seemed so attentive and interested when I asked her for her number…   This is all quite rare for me.  So, I think I do want to figure out what happened, even if I may not like the answer.

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

57 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

just call the number that I typed in and see who answers. If it’s not her, then I know I either typed it down wrong or she gave me the wrong number deliberately.

What would you do?

Call the number.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Whirling D said:

This may seem like a lot of thought and energy going into this

Because it is. 

Yes, there is a tiny possibility you mistook her number. Or larger possibility she just purposely didnt gave you the right one. Some women just do that in order to fend of guys who they dont like, sorry. Back in the day (look at me talking like a boomer) when cellular phones where in expansion, there was a little trick where you call her number immediately after she gives you one. It serves two purposes. You leave her your number so she would know its not some unknown stranger and can save it, and, most of all, you know she gave you the right one and not some bogus one with 1 digit or 2 changed. 

Again, its just a stranger. There is no need to be CIA and KGB to get to her. Its great that you are taking initiative and talking and asking for numbers. But its too much work for just some stranger. Which she ultimately is.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Whirling D said:

She is only visiting the area, and I have no idea when she is returning home. Can’t say I think that is a bad approach. 

Telephoning is not dating. You claim you're on a budget but texting/talking is not dating. Get a cup of coffee to get to know someone. If she's from out-of-town, it's unclear why you would pursue this. 

[Whirling D]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Telephoning is not dating. You claim you're on a budget but texting/talking is not dating. Get a cup of coffee to get to know someone. If she's from out-of-town, it's unclear why you would pursue this. 

Because she stated convincingly that she will be moving to my area in the near distant future.

[Whirling D]

I found a more legitimate source on the Internet that can confirm that the number that she gave me is indeed registered to her. So that part is good.

interestingly I got a call that came in while I was working that I didn’t pick up, because I didn’t hear it, and the number was listed as “no caller ID“ on my iPhone.  I don’t think I have ever received a call with this heading… Most spam just says “caller unknown“ and it will tell you the town and state it came from. This one didn’t do that, and it also would not permit for you to just call the number back to see who it is. It is entirely blocked.

I have spent some time wondering if it might have been her calling me back, because I know she was having trouble with an ex a handful of years ago, and post it on Facebook for him to leave her alone since he was using multiple platforms to try to contact her. It’s quite possible she has her phone blocked for caller ID, who knows. 
 

Upon googling what exactly “no caller ID“ actually means, some sources say that it is usually a personal cell phone that has the caller ID feature turned off.  There is no way to know if this was the lady, so I’m going to try not to put too much thought into it. It’s hard though, since I have time off tonight, and it’s hard not to think about the brief encounter I had with her, and how it turned me from being relatively stable and OK with being by myself, to fairly anxious with this fairytale notion that may be somebody could actually come along to make things considerably better.

I am not one that believes people should be OK settling for being by themselves. I think we should be OK when we are by ourselves, but I think we are social creatures, and I think we are meant to partner biologically…

I am now deathly afraid of pursuing partnership, because things have been so traumatic in the past, with unstable partners and relationships. Of course, I have my hand in those, but it’s getting to a point where I was thinking that maybe it’s not worth the effort.

unfortunately, this development, and meeting this lady has pretty much sent me a spit ball, and my brain is heading into a vortex once again. Part of me wants for something good to come out of it, and part of me wonders if I’m better off if it just goes away.  

 

 

[Batya33]

I don't believe people should settle for unhealthy relationships so as not to be "alone"- in quotes because a relationship is only one way to connect with others.  I have a dear friend who was married for 20 years, divorced, then was in a relationship with someone she met through an online site for 7 years and ended it- and now has been on her own for about 7 years.  She loves being on her own.  She loves her own apartment.  She sees two of her daughters regularly and 3 of her grandchildren.  She does karaoke and does some singing related activities.  She doesn't want to be romantically involved again for positive reasons and is a happy, content person.  But she is not alone or lonely.  

I think you should call the woman you met and see if you two can make a plan to meet up.

[Whirling D]

I am very afraid to call this lady. It triggers past trauma…

I don’t hate being alone… I’m not nearly as lonely as I was even a year ago… And I need a lot of alone time, being somewhat of an introvert and, dare I say, loner. I start to get antsy when I have a partner around a lot of the time, because I often feel that I need to entertain and be there, when sometimes I’d prefer to be by myself.

I fear being partnered. Hugely. I fear feeling trapped by the exact idea of being in a relationship that is not healthy. It seems like almost all my relationships have been unhealthy. And I’m not trying to blame it entirely on former partners.

despite my fear, this little corner of optimism that I have always had has hope that someday I’ll meet someone that won’t make me feel continuously traumatized. I think that comes down to finding someone who shares similar values and interests. That may be a tall order, though. 
 

my brain is hanging on the possibility that it was this lady that called this afternoon, and maybe she’ll call again. If I don’t hear anything more by Thursday, which is my next night off, I may consider either texting again or calling. Maybe I need to be really courageous and step outside my comfort zone and just pick up my phone and dial it. That feels really dangerous to me, though. I hate the hurt that seems to have inevitably happened under such circumstances. 

 

 

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

despite my fear, this little corner of optimism that I have always had has hope that someday I’ll meet someone that won’t make me feel continuously traumatized. I think that comes down to finding someone who shares similar values and interests. That may be a tall order, though. 

The tall order is requiring a partner not to "make you feel continuously traumatized."  It's just a huge burden and if someone sensed that that was going to be their role -and to somehow convince you that they are the right person -well, that would be a rare person indeed.

Similar values and interests do go a very long way.  My husband and I share those for sure.  (Except for some odd reason reeses pb cups are not his favorite halloween candy -he hates pb- how in the world did I say I do???).  But when we reconnected I had become the right person to find the right person.

Had I not I bet we still would have sparked and had chemistry and I bet I would have messed it up (meant to use a stronger word -not permitted here -that's how badly I would have reacted to the chemistry and relationship potential). I was ready to feel the spark AND ready not to run even if the strong spark settled down a bit.  Ready not to run just because he was available, loving, wanted forever. 

I feel more free in a marriage than single.  I feel less free because I am a mother than before I was a mother but the tradeoff is totally worth it.  So the parent-child relationship restricts me, sometimes traps me, but it's worth the sacrifice.  But if my husband had sensed I felt trapped or restricted in our relationship or knew this to be so I doubt he would have wanted forever with me.  

If you call this woman and she gives you the brush off she is not rejecting you.  She doesn't know you.  She is simply choosing not to pursue meeting up and potentially dating.  I had to kiss a lot of frogs before I met my prince.  It's typical and I'm sorry it hurts!

[Whirling D]

Love and appreciate your narrative, Batya. Thank you.

I should probably clarify… When I say that I crave to find somebody that won’t make me feel traumatized, I don’t say that meaning that I expect other people to be responsible for my happiness… I don’t really expect other people to be responsible for anything.  I am at least reasonably self-sufficient and try to do my own mental health work.

I do make a lot of mistakes in relationships, but for the most part, it’s often me holding them together, and often by a string. 

But relationships bring up a lot of ghosts in my soul, and I tend to sway back-and-forth between hugely avoidant to incredibly connected. That’s hard for me and any potential partner to be able to tolerate, because although I am able to articulate it and see what’s happening, many others are not, and thus it brings up a lot of drama for the partners I’ve had. Not sure if that’s making any sense, or not.

Doesn’t help that I have had partners that in many ways are less emotionally stable than I am. One was likely suffering from borderline personality disorder and was undiagnosed. There was lots of verbal and mental abuse going on in that relationship. I tried so hard to be resilient and not let it get to me, but ultimately, it probably left a wound so deep it’s taking me well over a year to feel OK again. 

So what am I talking about? I don’t know. Maybe this all leads to why I am so anxious about contacting this girl, and how my brain has started to kind of turn off of being with somebody else.

As far as you saying that if I never hear from this girl that she is not rejecting me because she doesn’t even know me… That’s an interesting statement. Part of me gets what you are saying, because how could she really know what she is rejecting, or not?

That being said, she is still using whatever criteria that is at her disposal to make a judgment. Her judgments have to be based on something.  I could hypothesize that maybe she feels the same kind of hesitation that I do, because maybe she’s had difficulties in the past with men that I would never know about. I could get that, but I don’t know. All I know is that she isn’t in a hurry to get back to me, and all it would take would for her to pick up her phone and text a few words. If she wanted to, she would. To me, that equals rejection, almost any way you wanna slice it.  And for me, rejection is a companion that I’ve lived with for most of my life, right down from when I was a kid. It rattles the cage of my soul, and it’s a hard cage to shake.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Whirling D said:

Because she stated convincingly that she will be moving to my area in the near distant future.

Ok. Pick up the phone and call her. Rather than researching numbers, what caller ID is and so on. It's not a big deal to give her a call and suggest getting a coffee. 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Whirling D said:

As far as you saying that if I never hear from this girl that she is not rejecting me because she doesn’t even know me… That’s an interesting statement. Part of me gets what you are saying, because how could she really know what she is rejecting, or not?

Common sense -if you decline to try a unique flavor of ice cream you've never tried are you rejecting that flavor? No because you never tried that particular combination.  You're simply declining to get to know the ice cream flavor better.  Same with individuals.  She knows she is rejecting the opportunity to get to know you better.  Not "you". 

Here are some reasons I've declined to meet a stranger or someone I barely knew:  he didn't want kids or want them badly enough, he was underemployed and/or not educated, he was obese and/or not clean cut, he had a feminine tone of voice and/or very feminine mannerisms, he was good with having casual sex partners.  I wasn't rejecting the person because given the opportunity and if we had stuff in common I likely would have been happy to be friends with this person, associate with this person, work with this person, set this person up with friends who would be compatible with this person. 

In the last couple of months I've offered to set up men I am still in touch with who I either dated briefly and chose to end it and/or who I never dated but who at one point had wanted to date me.  But there are other people who I know well, who I "rejected" based on what I knew of them as a person -character, integrity, values, work ethic and in those senses yes it was personal - done the same with declining friendships.  That's more of a rejecting a "person." 

Most of early dating is not with perhaps the exception of good friends who then become more (but even then the decision might be based on loving the person but not romantically so it's still not a rejection). 

Many years ago I dated someone who had a sister who was incredibly obese and unattractive looking and a lovely person.  Also hugely successful and brilliant.  In her 30s.  I had dated a guy a couple of times who professed to be of great "depth" etc - I think he also was a psychologist, etc.  Anyway he told me he had no criteria as far as looks -he didn't care what a woman looked like as long as she was a good person etc.  This was in the late 90s and it was really uncommon to share photos before a blind date.  He wanted to meet her.  She agreed.  

He called me after the first date very upset with me because I hadn't told him how obese she was.  That somehow this was an exception to his shouting from the rooftops how he didn't care what a woman looked like (for reference I am slim, was slim then). 

He was upset at invetably having to "reject" her and he'd already agreed to go to the theater with her.  I think they went, I think she was ok with him not calling again but still. 

Give me a break.  With rare exception most people care about looks to an extent when it comes to dating and it's "shallow" and it's a  "judgment" but has nothing to do with rejecting the person.  This person told me he thought she was a lovely person (because she is!) and would have stayed friends if it were appropriate (it was not).  

Dating involves judging of course - because we only want to date people we're attracted to and have chemistry with so some of that pertains to physical features (not a lot in my experience) and on our future goals and yes even "materialistic" or "shallow" stuff.

Especially people who either want arm candy or marriage -I say that because with arm candy the focus is a lot on looks, etc and with marriage the focus might be on financial stability, how the person lives, lifestyle -and some of that might be shallow.  

I think if you're the one holding relationships together by a string that is a mistake you are making in a healthful romantic relationship.  All you describe about your anxiety, etc tells me that you are probably getting in your own way of finding a healthful relationship -what I meant by becoming the right person to find the right person. 

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, Whirling D said:

I have spent some time wondering if it might have been her calling me back, because I know she was having trouble with an ex a handful of years ago, and post it on Facebook for him to leave her alone since he was using multiple platforms to try to contact her. It’s quite possible she has her phone blocked for caller ID, who knows. 
 

Upon googling what exactly “no caller ID“ actually means, some sources say that it is usually a personal cell phone that has the caller ID feature turned off.

I think you're right, you're unsure if you want to date anyone at this time. This seems like an inordinate amount of tapdancing around a simple issue like you got her number, so call her and go for coffee.

[Whirling D]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

I think you're right, you're unsure if you want to date anyone at this time. This seems like an inordinate amount of tapdancing around a simple issue like you got her number, so call her and go for coffee.

Well, part of me thinks that’s a logical next step, but I hesitate in doing that if she won’t even send me a simple text acknowledging that I reached out to her. That’s not a good sign.

[Whirling D]

Batya… i’ve spent an inordinate amount of time working on who I am and being OK being single.  I think you are Inferring that I am projecting something that is not attracting women, and if that is true, i don’t believe it has much to do with how I behave around women that I find interesting.

I am pretty comfortable that I convey myself as easy-going, very friendly, and with a very even demeanor. Certainly not the life of the party, however.  Being nice and friendly and kind seems to be uninteresting to many women. It’s pretty clear to me that most women want something more than that, and I’ve almost never been able to overcome that in my adult life, whatever those ingredients are.

And then the long hair and the feminine thing. I think that leaves a small percentage of available candidates. And I’m not around the kind of women that I find appealing very often.  I live in a fairly wealthy area, and I am demonstrably poor, and there are very few single people here. I can’t really move because I have a kid here that I have half time, and even if I went where most of the singles are, I am way older than most of them. It’s a bit of a conundrum.

With this particular lady, the reason I’m having such a hard time with it is that all the elements seemed to be favorable. She seemed really interested in who I was, was very responsive and engaged, and seemed very happy that I asked her for her number. Her lack of response is somewhat surprising to me, and also depressing, because I went outside of my comfort zone, which I have never ever done before, and asked a girl face-to-face for her number.

Some reading I have done since then suggests that it probably wouldn’t have mattered whether I texted her or called her, since if she was interested, she wouldn’t care whether it was a text or a call, she’d just be happy I reached out.

The more regulated part of my emotions know that I have no idea why she has not reached out, or whether she will respond, so the power is really out of my hands. 
 

Maybe it’s where I live, maybe it’s the generation in which I live… But it feels to me that women here have so many guys chasing them, and I think this lady is probably in that category… She’s a nice lady. Fairly good looking for her age, nice personality, and from one of the older postings I read on her Facebook page, I get the impression that she feels fairly confident she can choose who she wants. I’m sure that is a little bit of a problem for her… She may not even really want to date that much. For her, it could easily be… Been there done that…  i’m not in that category. Relationships have been hard and not easily managed. I get sucked in fairly quickly, don’t hold out for the girls that I think would be right for me, and the consequence is exactly what I’m talking about. I either stay single, or I spend time with the ones that I don’t think are the right fit for me. I just can’t seem to find the antidote to that.  
 

Somehow, I think my soul shot through the roof with the thought that maybe that luck would be changing, and it was because of the work I’ve done on myself, and because I went outside myself to go and talk to this girl and ask her her number… So it’s understandable that I would feel almost depressed and crushed when it failed. Especially when I don’t have a lot of opportunity for other options. 
 

I may have to force myself on Thursday night to pick up the phone and call, but as I have mentioned, that’s going to be a very hard thing to be motivated to do, facing the evidence… If she hasn’t texted me back, she is likely not interested.

My bandmate often says that in the field of sales, you should expect two rejections from the recipient but to keep trying for the third, which may yield in a greater likelihood of success.  Not sure that works in reference to potential dates. That almost seems like stalking. 

if she is unwilling to respond to my opening text, why would I even bother calling her?

 

 

[boltnrun]

29 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

if she is unwilling to respond to my opening text, why would I even bother calling her?

OK, then don't. 

You are writing several long paragraphs about why it's a terrible idea to call her. So it seems you don't want to.

I'm sure this is way before your time, but there was a song by the band Yes that states "Owner of a lonely heart much better than the owner of a broken heart". That reminds me of you.

You don't make 100% of the shots you don't take. And LeBron doesn't sit down on the bench if he misses his first shot. He shoots again.

[Whirling D]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

OK, then don't. 

You are writing several long paragraphs about why it's a terrible idea to call her. So it seems you don't want to.

I'm sure this is way before your time, but there was a song by the band Yes that states "Owner of a lonely heart much better than the owner of a broken heart". That reminds me of you.

You don't make 100% of the shots you don't take. And LeBron doesn't sit down on the bench if he misses his first shot. He shoots again.

Good points… No, I was in my mid 20s when that song came out.  I am approaching the age of Social Security. In the US.

I do want to call her, but it would be nice to know whether she would really respond favorably to that, and so far, there’s a little evidence of that. It might just yield in the same old same old… Depressed and brokenhearted.

Yeah, I guess I am currently guilty of having a broken heart. For reasons I can never quite understand. And it’s not like I haven’t tried over and over again. Often times, you hear the definition of insanity being the one who tries the same thing over and over again and gets the same results. Something like that.

The cards I have in my hand I have played over the years, and the result is always the same. So, this time I chose differently, and played a different card, doesn’t feel like it produced any kind of different result. So I’m getting to the point where, yes, maybe owner of a lonely heart is better than a broken heart. Maybe I will be better off just being single and stable, rather than continuously rejected and feeling constant heartbreak and failure.  
 

Yet I continue to hope…

 

[Whirling D]

Another thing that I am finding… Or wondering. I wonder if a lot of women my age are sick of being yanked around in relationships and feeling like crap much of the time.

One of the girls I am friends with on Facebook, one of the ones that this post was originally talking about, is clearly single, and she seems like she does a lot of the same things that I like to do… She’s quite a chunk younger than I am, and she’s got guys drooling all over her anytime she posts some thing. She seems to deflect them with disinterest.

she has posted multiple times memes that indicate that she has been treated poorly by former partners, and I get the impression she just has no interest in going there again.

it seems that many women are so bombarded by single men, and ones who don’t let up easily, that the women seem to close themselves off and almost become unavailable emotionally to the ones that would not treat them poorly.

It was a wishy-washy attempt, but I did cold message her almost a year ago, and she responded politely and friendly, but gave no indication she was interested in continuing the dialogue. Maybe I just wasn’t her type? That would be my guess. Or maybe she just isn’t interested in dating. Or maybe I gave no indication that I wanted to close the deal and ask her out.  Who knows.  
 

Many articles I have read say that women are turned off by guys who reach out to them but then don’t try to close the deal. I often wonder if I have anything to lose to follow up and just ask her out for a beverage. All she can do is say no, and all that will do is to continue to make me feel like I do now. Not sure it’s worth it, so I may never know. I took a chance with the girl at my gig, and I’ve been feeling like crap for the last three days. Almost doesn’t feel worth it anymore.

[boltnrun]

There are no guarantees in life. Zero.

So yeah, you can choose to play it safe and never risk rejection.

How many marriages do you think there would there be if everyone had that mindset?