Wife's moved out because of my jealousy and insecurity issues. I'm so lost.

[Dan B]

Hi. I've been married for 14 years and throughout that time I've had jealousy issues about my wife previous relationships. I've punished her for many years about what she did before she met me. Objectively I know that's so wrong and stupid, it's the past it shouldn't matter but I couldn't help myself. Especially after consuming alcohol.  I realize this comes from my low self-esteem and insecurities. It's now got to the point that she's moved out and needs space from me, it's become too much for her. She says she's lost who she is because of me. The weight of what I've done to her is unbearable. It's crippling me. To think of the pain and torment I've put her through is almost too much to take. I love her so deeply. How could I do this to the person I love so much. She wants me to get help and I am. But the fear of losing her is taking over me. Please any help would be much appreciated. Thanks 

[Coily]

Welcome to ENA,

You have quite a bit to unpack, but good on you for starting to get help. What form is the help you are getting? Professional, AA, spiritual?

 With your aforementioned insecurities, the question is do you want to change for yourself? Not just to get your wife back, but are you at the turning point where you will put everything into you?

That is the question you need to ask, if it is just to get your wife back how will things really change in your relationship if this is just performative? What is stopping you from relapsing into this abusive behavior?

I wish you luck in trying to rebuild yourself, it will be extremely difficult to regain your wife’s confidence in you. Do this for yourself more so than her, for if all else fails this is laying the groundwork for your life ahead, as a better man.

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Dan B said:

. I've punished her for many years Especially after consuming alcohol.

She did the right thing. Get help for the problem drinking and your anger and abusiveness.

You'll need an attorney because now that she escaped from you, she will talk to attorneys about dissolving the marriage.

Get to some AA meetings. You'll see that you're a few steps away from so-called "rock bottom'.

[Dan B]

10 minutes ago, Coily said:

Welcome to ENA,

You have quite a bit to unpack, but good on you for starting to get help. What form is the help you are getting? Professional, AA, spiritual?

 With your aforementioned insecurities, the question is do you want to change for yourself? Not just to get your wife back, but are you at the turning point where you will put everything into you?

That is the question you need to ask, if it is just to get your wife back how will things really change in your relationship if this is just performative? What is stopping you from relapsing into this abusive behavior?

I wish you luck in trying to rebuild yourself, it will be extremely difficult to regain your wife’s confidence in you. Do this for yourself more so than her, for if all else fails this is laying the groundwork for your life ahead, as a better man.

Thanks for the reply. I agree it's a lot to face. I'm overwhelmed with the burden of what I've done to her, she's been nothing but supportive and forgiving over the years but it's just not been enough sadly. She's such a beautiful caring person and I feel so shameful for what I've done to her. I've not purposefully set out to hurt her it's just lashing out every few months about the same particular things she did years ago. 

I've started therapy,it's early days but I'm coming to terms with the fact that I've had longstanding self-esteem and insecurity issues for so long that I've been too scared to face. I want to overcome them so much now. But doing this without her under the cloud of not knowing if we have a future is so hard. The waves of shame, guilt and sadness are too much. 

I understand where she's at. She's lost who she was because she's been so scared of triggering my insecurities. I know I need to change and I'm working on that. But it the uncertainty of our marriage that's killing me.

[Coily]

Unfortunately it is an insecurity that you will have to live under for quite a while. In a way this will be a challenge that is most needed. how you handle yourself now in this dark hour and the tools you learn to rebuild are going to play the biggest role.

Take one day at a time, expect things to get worse; but this gives you time to prepare some. Time to get rid of all the alcohol in your place. Talk to supportive friends about what is coming for you. Build those positive foundations.

You may never do enough to get your wife back; but you won’t know until you fully engage with your demons. This could be the most uncertain time in your life.

I would recommend writing (and not ever sending) letters. You can later share with your therapist or other professionals on your journey. 
 

It’s going to be rough, but keep looking forward to who you want to be for you and your wife.

[MissCanuck]

Your therapist will help you guide you through the uncertainty of your future too, OP. 

It may indeed be over for you two, but that doesn't mean you can't come out of it a stronger person who is better-equipped for any future relationships. 

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, Dan B said:

 and I feel so shameful for what I've done to her. 

This is all "a little too little,a little too late".  You were abusive and a drunk and she's smart to finally escape that.

Moving out is the end of the relationship/marriage The best thing you can do now is focus on sobriety and consult an attorney.

[Dan B]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Your therapist will help you guide you through the uncertainty of your future too, OP. 

It may indeed be over for you two, but that doesn't mean you can't come out of it a stronger person who is better-equipped for any future relationships. 

Thanks for the reply. Yes therapy is starting to help me. It's the first time I've confronted these problems. It's a lot to face. But I'm willing to make that journey.

My wife's in a place where she can't fully commit to a future. She's in a deep hole of sadness and can't give me any answers. She did intimate just after she left that there is hope for us. But nothing like that since. 

[smackie9]

1 hour ago, Dan B said:

Thanks for the reply. Yes therapy is starting to help me. It's the first time I've confronted these problems. It's a lot to face. But I'm willing to make that journey.

My wife's in a place where she can't fully commit to a future. She's in a deep hole of sadness and can't give me any answers. She did intimate just after she left that there is hope for us. But nothing like that since. 

This is where you start, helping yourself before you can help your marriage. Be patient, don't push, be grateful you have found the strength to make changes in your life. Giving her, her space is the greatest gift you can give her at this point.

[redswim30]

I am glad you are in therapy, and I think that will be beneficial for you no matter what.  

As far as your wife goes, I have a few thoughts.   I already know not everyone will agree with this, and that's fine.  This is only my opinion based on my own personal experience/perspective of living in a family with alcoholics/people who made bad decisions when intoxicated. 

You admit your own culpability and that is admirable.  You are seeking help, which is also admirable.  You've stated these problems have been ongoing for years, so this can't be a surprise to her.  Some people get validation from feeling "needed" or having a savior complex, except sometimes it doesn't pan out how they want and that leaves them the choice to walk away or walk away and do some version of a "Martyrdom role"- Ie. "I gave up who I was for you", " I gave you the best years of my life," etc.   She always had a choice to stay with you.   And it's fine and 100% her choice if she now cannot do it anymore, however, it is wrong of her to guilt you on her way out the door.   As it is her choice to leave, it was also her choice to stay (14 YEARS is a CHOICE) and she needs to accept her own responsibility in that part of it.  She never "had to" stay with you at any point in your relationship.  No one can make you "give up" who you are.  So please do not accept blame for that.  You have enough things to accept responsibility for, but that is NOT one of them.  She's an adult and she needs to accept responsibility for her own decisions, as well.  If her attitude is, " Well, I stayed with you this many years despite this, this, and this"- then you should really rethink if you do in fact want to be married to someone like this.  Someone who "keeps score" and blames you for perhaps their own bad decisions/indecision/mistakes. People always have a choice to leave, every single day, and if they don't, then there is something that they are getting out of that relationship, too- remember that. 

She cannot say if it will or won't work out, because how could she possibly know that at this stage?  Neither of you does, if you're being honest with each other.  

IMVHO, even if someone helped you or was there for you during a difficult time, that doesn't mean that they can or even SHOULD stay with you forever.   Again, in my own experience with alcoholism ( And I know you didn't state you were an alcoholic per se but it still applies), I will share something very personal.  I had a sibling who relied on his wife to deal with it.  She hated it, yet felt she should be there for him.  She resented it though, and while her support was good in one way, but in another it became a crutch for him because he felt like he always "had her" no matter what and so never really felt like he needed to get serious help.  They were also childhood sweethearts, and part of it was fear on both their parts- For her, fear of being judged for not being the wife who "stuck with him during the hard times" and For him, fear of never finding someone "understanding again", so they stuck it out- but the relationship wasn't actually healthy for either of them.   Well, eventually, she couldn't take it anymore and filed for divorce.   He joined AA.   After spending time recovering, and he took it more seriously since he didn't have a "wife crutch" (before anyone flames me, NO- I AM NOT SAYING it was his wife's FAULT that he didn't get help, I'm blaming his own COMPLACENCY and his thinking she would never leave- HE ALONE IS AT FAULT for not seeking help before he did) Eventually, he met another recovered alcoholic who was capable of having more empathy and patience and didn't resent his struggle with this illness.  (Again, not BLAMING his wife, saying they were incompatible, and she wasn't honest about not being able handle it and her resentment about it for years. ).  They got married and have been happy ever since.  He's been clean and sober for 18 years!  His ex wife married someone who didn't have this struggle and she is also much happier now.  

My point is, a change might not necessarily be a BAD thing.  For many people who struggle with loss of control with alcohol, there's comfort in the "familiar" but sometimes it is this very familiarity that prevents them from truly confronting the real issue and moving forward.  

I want you to do something for me, OP.   Picture going thru a divorce.  What would that look like?  Confront that fear.  Remember that you were a whole person before you met her, and will be a whole person without her, if you do end up divorcing.  Don't let fear stifle your journey of becoming a better person.  Forgive yourself.  Not one person in this world is perfect, including your wife.  And you're seeking help, so you are taking action to change.  That is something to be proud of!  Take that little victory.   Divorce doesn't have to be an abyss.  It can, in fact, be the healthiest choice for everyone. We can't change the past.  All we do when we learn better, is to do better. 

Attend therapy without any preconceived notions.  Don't do it to "get your wife back".  Do it for yourself, as it sounds like this is long term issues that have needed resolving.  No one will ever be able to fix these for you, but you.  

My sincerest wishes of luck to you.   You can do this. 

[JohnLee]

I have the same anxiety issues in relationships but your problem is much worse. What has helped me to minimize the problem is meditation and mindfulness. If you are willing to spend $60 a year, you can download the app called HeadSpace. It will slowly guide you to a more comfortable place with less fear and less reactive mind. Last night, I was able to sit alone by myself in the dark for 1 hour doing nothing but just experienced the feelings, breaths and sensations in my body. It was so relaxing and transforming experience and I love myself like never before. Of course, it will take a lot more work but today I feel much better than 3 weeks ago when I first downloaded the app. I hope to be able to make mindfulness a life-time habit and overcome anxiety problems forever.

[Batya33]

For free I find that 4-7-8 breathing, weil method (just google it) is wonderful for this.