Should I just ask out my friend and see what happens or at least talk to her and see where we stand?

[Cherylyn]

She recently broke up with her boyfriend and dealing with that. 

Overall, she seems very unstable.  Date her at your own risk.  She comes with a lot of baggage and if you're willing to deal with her health issues, perimenopause symtpoms and drama, do it.  If not, I'd reconsider if I were you.  If you want to be her friend, then be prepared to be very supportive.  If she seems too high maintenance for you, perhaps you're better off being with someone who won't become your headache. 

[smackie9]

TBH I don't think she's wants to be serious with you...she's just using you for attention because you are there and that's what people do when they are getting over someone. I would give her some space and no go out drinking with her anymore. Guard your heart. 

[boltnrun]

6 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

perimenopause symtpoms

She's 31. Do women go through perimenopause that young? I'm legit asking as I always thought that occurred at a much older age.

I thought how she was feeling that night was more due to her drug and alcohol use.

[Cherylyn]

41 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

She's 31. Do women go through perimenopause that young? I'm legit asking as I always thought that occurred at a much older age.

I thought how she was feeling that night was more due to her drug and alcohol use.

Yes.  My colleague went through perimenopause in her 30s.  While unusual, it can happen during 30s. 

[reggierags]

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Since she was drunk and physically ill you have no idea if your relationship "grew" for any relevant purposes -your interactions were different and closer physically because you both chose to be drunk and you as a human being chose to check up on her because she made herself very sick from drinking. 

 

I do feel it grew, though, as we've been closer than ever since, albeit hot and cold depending on the day

[reggierags]

23 hours ago, Batya33 said:

So you like her because she likes you? How is she "choosing" you -you mean choosing to interact with you and flirt with you and get drunk with you?  I don't understand why you think choosing not to text back right away is a radio silence.  She is a person who is unstable in a number of ways - so she is not a person who is likely to be reliable or consistent in her interactions especially when she chooses to get drunk and use drugs. 

Perhaps you like that she chooses you as part of the thrill of the chase -and deep down you know she is not available for a serious relationship given all of her issues.  Maybe that's a benefit -you get to enjoy the drama and know you probably won't have to commit and walk the walk so to speak.  How have your past interactions with this sort of drama worked for you?

 

Not just when she's drunk but in general. Making random plans, coming into my work area for no reason, staring intently at each other when we're all in a group

today she again asked me to walk her home but didn't say a word about what happened over the weekend

I dunno about the chase, since I usually avoid that ***, but deep down who knows right? I've never had an interaction like this type of drama, no. Most of my relationships and hookups are because the other person initiates it, just like she's done now. I'm terrible at reading people and often don't even realize they want something. Hence why I'm here

[reggierags]

7 hours ago, smackie9 said:

TBH I don't think she's wants to be serious with you...she's just using you for attention because you are there and that's what people do when they are getting over someone. I would give her some space and no go out drinking with her anymore. Guard your heart. 

I guess that's possible, but she used to behave like this before they even broke up, now it's just more. I will give her space though, if she wants something I guess she'll let me know? I am asking cause I'm clueless..

[reggierags]

9 hours ago, jul-els said:

You’re idealizing one moment between the two of you. You should take a step back and look at the whole picture. 

The whole picture is odd, that's the thing. If she was just ignoring me then great, but she keeps making plans with me, keeps looking at me for long period, keeps asking me to walk her home...and at the same time not answering texts for days. It's a very bent picture that I can't read

[Batya33]

But she's not making and keeping plans with you and they are not date plans.  What do you mean "if she wants something" - you mean if she wants to date you? have sex with you? take drugs with you? What something do you want from her? So she stares - doesn't mean she wants to date you.  

It's not odd -it's a run of the mill drunken hook up.  You want to date her -so ask her out on a date and it's your risk to take as far as her stability.

[SooSad33]

On 9/25/2022 at 6:12 PM, reggierags said:

There are some bad or maybe iffy things, like calling me her friend, then again that's what we were (are?). She's had a rough week with the hangover, meds chemical imbalance, a bad fever, among other things. She's thanked me for supporting her so much this week and being a great friend, even sending me a good morning text and another one where she was grateful I'm always checking in on her. But overall she barely texts and has long radio silence periods, like since yesterday. We had plans to hang at her house, not exactly a date yeah, but she said "I woke up with a really bad fever 😞 ". She didn't answer to what I wrote and I'm guessing I'll just see her tomorrow at work. Her phone says last seen since she sent me that message. The plans were he idea btw, I just re-confirmed them

You, being her friend is not a bad thing.  That is what you are!

Sadly, I see her as a struggling co- worker is all.  And with her ending a relationship, she has NO room for you.  PLUS, she has some mental health issue's?  I think the last thing she needs is another relationship.  😕 .

IF you can't handle this, then maybe it's time to seriously back off.  Give some distance and let her work through her problems.  She need to work on accepting that relationship is done and all of the emotions involved, etc.  

Is fine to be a decent guy-friend to her, but no more because, IF you were to cross those lines, you ( or her) may come to seriously regret that!  

1) This is a co worker.. if things go bad, how awkward will this be for you two?

2)  Would most likely be a rebound.  Yah, they end as fast as they begin and it hurts 😕 .

So... think again on this idea of yours.

 

[jul-els]

5 hours ago, reggierags said:

The whole picture is odd, that's the thing. If she was just ignoring me then great, but she keeps making plans with me, keeps looking at me for long period, keeps asking me to walk her home...and at the same time not answering texts for days. It's a very bent picture that I can't read

The description you gave here should tell you everything you need to know. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, reggierags said:

The whole picture is odd, that's the thing.

It's not odd at all . You're not dating. You have to work together. Leave her alone for now and do not view drunken drugged out behavior as an invitation to sex.

Stay in your own lane. The last thing you need is a date rape accusation or sexual harassment accusation. You're not that clueless.

[reggierags]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's not odd at all . You're not dating. You have to work together. Leave her alone for now and do not view drunken drugged out behavior as an invitation to sex.

Stay in your own lane. The last thing you need is a date rape accusation or sexual harassment accusation. You're not that clueless.

Ok stay in my lane, sure, leave her alone, sure. But, she keeps reaching out to me, whether to chit chat and random flirt or walk her home. I'm sure at some point she will again say she wants to go somewhere or outright invite me. What do I do then? Be more direct asking what her want or reject her?

[reggierags]

8 hours ago, jul-els said:

The description you gave here should tell you everything you need to know. 

I'm bad at this, can you just tell me? I've been ignored/rejected before but not by someone who keeps wanting to have contact with me and keeps a flirtatious tone

[reggierags]

14 hours ago, Batya33 said:

But she's not making and keeping plans with you and they are not date plans.  What do you mean "if she wants something" - you mean if she wants to date you? have sex with you? take drugs with you? What something do you want from her? So she stares - doesn't mean she wants to date you.  

It's not odd -it's a run of the mill drunken hook up.  You want to date her -so ask her out on a date and it's your risk to take as far as her stability.

No like when she says she wants to go eat at this place or go to this exhibit or wants to smoke and watch a fun movie. When she wants that and mentions is directly to me, should I ignore it and tell her sure it's a date or something like that?

[reggierags]

9 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

You, being her friend is not a bad thing.  That is what you are!

Sadly, I see her as a struggling co- worker is all.  And with her ending a relationship, she has NO room for you.  PLUS, she has some mental health issue's?  I think the last thing she needs is another relationship.  😕 .

IF you can't handle this, then maybe it's time to seriously back off.  Give some distance and let her work through her problems.  She need to work on accepting that relationship is done and all of the emotions involved, etc.  

Is fine to be a decent guy-friend to her, but no more because, IF you were to cross those lines, you ( or her) may come to seriously regret that!  

1) This is a co worker.. if things go bad, how awkward will this be for you two?

2)  Would most likely be a rebound.  Yah, they end as fast as they begin and it hurts 😕 .

So... think again on this idea of yours.

 

I'm decent to her and would certainly not overstep my bounds, but she keeps reaching out at work, more than she did before and still flirting. I don't know her perfectly but from what she's told me before and after her breakup, she's not the type for a rebound. Maybe she lied, who knows, but that's the impression she's given me

[smackie9]

1 hour ago, reggierags said:

Ok stay in my lane, sure, leave her alone, sure. But, she keeps reaching out to me, whether to chit chat and random flirt or walk her home. I'm sure at some point she will again say she wants to go somewhere or outright invite me. What do I do then? Be more direct asking what her want or reject her?

Suggest something that doesn't involve drinking. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, reggierags said:

she's not the type for a rebound. 

How do you know what "type" she is? Yet, that's how she is acting. Thirsty. And looking for vague male attention. Do whatever you wish but what, exactly, is your goal here?

[jul-els]

3 hours ago, reggierags said:

I'm bad at this, can you just tell me? I've been ignored/rejected before but not by someone who keeps wanting to have contact with me and keeps a flirtatious tone

If you’re getting mixed signals, that’s a sign that something is off. It’s either the wrong person, time or place for you. Whether or not you choose to pay attention to that is up to you. What things do you feel are worthy to pursue and what things are not? The choice is yours. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, reggierags said:

No like when she says she wants to go eat at this place or go to this exhibit or wants to smoke and watch a fun movie. When she wants that and mentions is directly to me, should I ignore it and tell her sure it's a date or something like that?

If you want to go on a date and she suggests a date then confirm a time and place.  It doesn't matter what she does or how she contacts you -you get to choose your reaction.  I would not consider her invitation to hang out and get high an invitation for a date and I wouldn't make a plan like that especially since you work together.  I would not be around her in any impaired state.

You are in control of your choices.  

[SooSad33]

6 hours ago, reggierags said:

I don't know her perfectly but from what she's told me before and after her breakup, she's not the type for a rebound. Maybe she lied, who knows, but that's the impression she's given me

Is it an impression she gave you? What she tells you & what you see can be very different.

Is she still going on about 'her ex'?  So she is 'venting' on you?

Do YOU really feel she is in the right mindset?

 

[reggierags]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

If you want to go on a date and she suggests a date then confirm a time and place.  It doesn't matter what she does or how she contacts you -you get to choose your reaction.  I would not consider her invitation to hang out and get high an invitation for a date and I wouldn't make a plan like that especially since you work together.  I would not be around her in any impaired state.

You are in control of your choices.  

You're so right about impaired state. It was a fun night but something we should repeat only if we're together. As it is we got too personal for friends I think 

You think that could be why she has ghosted our getting high hangouts? And just wants me to ask her on a real date?

As I mentioned before I think, the day before that planned hangout she mentioned she wanted to go to this place but it was too expensive. I believe, believe, she said go with me, and I immediately said Iets go I'll pay no worries. But connected it with out getting high hangout, as in let's go after that.

She was very distant today at work and it's really starting to affect me not knowing anything well.  I should probably just ask her out properly on a date, with time and place like you said right? Either that or forget about her but that seems difficult right now

She also mentioned how she doesn't like regular dates like dinner or movies so I gotta come up with something good. Then again I like that she told me that, gotta be good no?

[reggierags]

2 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Is it an impression she gave you? What she tells you & what you see can be very different.

Is she still going on about 'her ex'?  So she is 'venting' on you?

Do YOU really feel she is in the right mindset?

 

Well she told me she would never cheat and never gets involved with guys too quick. I take her at face value 

She hasn't gone on about her ex. Only on that day complaining about her sex life and last week saying her therapist was shocked. No more than that really. She hasn't vented, besides venting about work from time to time
 

Do I feel she's in the right mindset? I do, but again I take her at face value. She has rough days with her meds but she said she's always been this way 

[Andrina]

Just curious what your dating goals are: casual, short term, or a longterm forever type relationship. Also wondering if you eventually want children or not.

Do you just accept anyone attractive who wants you, or do you have a list of standards/must-haves and dealbreakers?

Those are considerations you should start to think about now that you're well into being an adult.

Regular drug/alcohol users don't make suitable parents, and job stability is iffy if a random drug test is given at work. Not really clear why being with someone who's mind is altered is appealing. It's like the person isn't totally present with you. Like they're in la-la land and it's not their accurate selves.

I know of adults who choose to not allow their parents to be a part of their lives when they are addicted to drugs or alcohol. And you say she is financially strapped. Don't you want a partner who will contribute to a household and take a nice vacation now and then?

Seems like your self esteem is at a low point. Do you think you have to settle because you feel as though you don't have much to offer either? What's the situation here?

 

[Batya33]

Why would you think it was fun to get drunk or impaired with her one on one -how will that help you get to know each other? 

Ask her what she likes to do.  Some date ideas are: museum, picnic in a nice park, hiking, a swing dancing lesson, live theater or live music, a comedy club.