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Should I just ask out my friend and see what happens or at least talk to her and see where we stand?


reggierags
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Sorry if it's a long post but this is starting to affect me and I'm not sure how to either move forward or forget about it

I'm a guy, she's a girl, we're both 31, we work together though she is planning on leaving and it's not a serious job for either. We've known each other for a while and have been flirting a bit here and there until the past two weeks when she literally just said she broke up with her boyfriend asked me out for a drink after work

She said it was one of the best nights ever and she was happy to finally get to know the mysterious me. She found excuses to touch my hair, beard, nose many times, bump our hips together, let me feed fries in her mouth. We ended up at her apartment though nothing happened, way too drunk. She gave me a tour, took me to her bedroom then her bed though soon she was nauseous and asked me to get her an ice pack, when I came back her shirt was almost off because she was having hot flashes I guess, and was just lying face down suffering. I left after a while

She's confided in me about her mental health, including things like her therapist being surprised she broke up with her ex. Tells me about bad sex life they had and how she's just looking for more of a connection

On many days I walk her from work to her house because she's asked if I could, that's how we became friends, but this Friday she changed it to "do you wanna walk me home?" with a big smile, hard to say no to that. She also mentioned in passing that she wanted to go somewhere with me the next day but is having money problems.

There are some bad or maybe iffy things, like calling me her friend, then again that's what we were (are?). She's had a rough week with the hangover, meds chemical imbalance, a bad fever, among other things. She's thanked me for supporting her so much this week and being a great friend, even sending me a good morning text and another one where she was grateful I'm always checking in on her. But overall she barely texts and has long radio silence periods, like since yesterday. We had plans to hang at her house, not exactly a date yeah, but she said "I woke up with a really bad fever 😞 ". She didn't answer to what I wrote and I'm guessing I'll just see her tomorrow at work. Her phone says last seen since she sent me that message. The plans were he idea btw, I just re-confirmed them

I really like her but like I said not being sure where we stand is starting to affect me a lot. Neither of us wants kids, we're in the same stage in our lives, we like drugs, both areligious, and I love how open she is with me and makes me open. She doesn't seem to have problems getting in my personal space such as when we're all in a group she comes right next to me even if she wasn't close. While I don't do that very much on the other hand, I try but it's hard for me. Perhaps she is looking for that though. Should I just ask her out and tell her I want to take her out on a date? Or first have a conversation with her? Perhaps hold her hand or something cause I know I haven't been very physical and I would hate it if that pulls her away 😞

She recently broke up with that guy and I broke up with someone three months ago. I know I'm good, she says she's good but hers is so more recent. I'm afraid of overstepping my bounds. Anyway, thanks for listening. Any advice is deeply appreciated.

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I would ask her out on a proper date in public where you both stay sober if your purpose in dating her is to get to know her.

I see that she has a chemical imbalance, that you both like drugs and that your encounter last time involved both of you being drunk. 

So I'd decide what you want out of going on a date.  Do you want to get to know her better for a potential relationship?  Since you both like drugs is it your intention to include using drugs as part of your dates -not sure how both liking drugs figures in especially since she has mental health issues.  If you choose to indulge in your enjoyment of drugs that's fine but it's not really allowing either of you to get to know the other more in a dating context - it will be knowing what she is like on drugs -you already saw what she was like when drunk. 

Also, she only recently ended things with her boyfriend and she's looking for more of a "connection" whatever that means -it's a really vague statement -could mean a relationship or could mean good sex with someone she likes hanging out with.  Who knows.

As far as liking how open you feel around her I'd question how much of this will be apparent if you're both sober.

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2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would ask her out on a proper date in public where you both stay sober if your purpose in dating her is to get to know her.

I see that she has a chemical imbalance, that you both like drugs and that your encounter last time involved both of you being drunk. 

So I'd decide what you want out of going on a date.  Do you want to get to know her better for a potential relationship?  Since you both like drugs is it your intention to include using drugs as part of your dates -not sure how both liking drugs figures in especially since she has mental health issues.  If you choose to indulge in your enjoyment of drugs that's fine but it's not really allowing either of you to get to know the other more in a dating context - it will be knowing what she is like on drugs -you already saw what she was like when drunk. 

Also, she only recently ended things with her boyfriend and she's looking for more of a "connection" whatever that means -it's a really vague statement -could mean a relationship or could mean good sex with someone she likes hanging out with.  Who knows.

As far as liking how open you feel around her I'd question how much of this will be apparent if you're both sober.

Thanks for your answer! So you think she'd be receptive yo a proper date based on this? A week after going out?

You're right about the drugs. We've made no plans to do that again though and should probably avoid it while we get to know each other more

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3 minutes ago, reggierags said:

Thanks for your answer! So you think she'd be receptive yo a proper date based on this? A week after going out?

You're right about the drugs. We've made no plans to do that again though and should probably avoid it while we get to know each other more

I mean it's up to you - and it sounds then that she is attempting to self-medicate given her mental health issues.  I don't think there is harm in asking at all - you've already flirted a ton and played touchy feely games so there's some sort of attraction there.  She does sound like she has a lot of drama and health issues although that's hard to tell whether this is a regular issue or otherwise.  Most 31 year old women do not have hot flashes unless they're in early menopause. That sounded odd to me.  

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6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I mean it's up to you - and it sounds then that she is attempting to self-medicate given her mental health issues.  I don't think there is harm in asking at all - you've already flirted a ton and played touchy feely games so there's some sort of attraction there.  She does sound like she has a lot of drama and health issues although that's hard to tell whether this is a regular issue or otherwise.  Most 31 year old women do not have hot flashes unless they're in early menopause. That sounded odd to me.  

Oh the hot flashes was because she was gonna throw up. Not sure if that was the right term though. Yeah I can tell she has issues, I'm kinda used to that and usually attract them, but of course I gotta be careful. In the end I really like her though, especially becasue she continues to choose me like she has. But then her radio silences make me doubt

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8 minutes ago, reggierags said:

Oh the hot flashes was because she was gonna throw up. Not sure if that was the right term though. Yeah I can tell she has issues, I'm kinda used to that and usually attract them, but of course I gotta be careful. In the end I really like her though, especially becasue she continues to choose me like she has. But then her radio silences make me doubt

So you like her because she likes you? How is she "choosing" you -you mean choosing to interact with you and flirt with you and get drunk with you?  I don't understand why you think choosing not to text back right away is a radio silence.  She is a person who is unstable in a number of ways - so she is not a person who is likely to be reliable or consistent in her interactions especially when she chooses to get drunk and use drugs. 

Perhaps you like that she chooses you as part of the thrill of the chase -and deep down you know she is not available for a serious relationship given all of her issues.  Maybe that's a benefit -you get to enjoy the drama and know you probably won't have to commit and walk the walk so to speak.  How have your past interactions with this sort of drama worked for you?

 

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I think you missed an opportunity for something more (as in sex) that night when you were at her place. But due to both of you being intoxicated, it didnt happen.

As far as relationship goes, dont really think she is that interested in that. Frankly, dont know why you should be interested in that either. She sounds rather unstable with all mental health issues, drugs and everything. 

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2 hours ago, reggierags said:

She also mentioned in passing that she wanted to go somewhere with me the next day but is having money problems.

This sounds like she was fishing for you to ask her on a date.

Why not just do that instead of making this more complex than it needs to be?

Good luck, and fingers crossed.

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2 hours ago, reggierags said:

Should I just ask her out and tell her I want to take her out on a date? Or first have a conversation with her? Perhaps hold her hand or something cause I know I haven't been very physical and I would hate it if that pulls her away 😞

Actually, I would run the other way. Way too much drama here! And I don't use the word 'drama' lightly.

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4 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Actually, I would run the other way. Way too much drama here! And I don't use the word 'drama' lightly.

I tend to agree with this. 

She's fresh out of a relationship and doesn't seem to be in a great place, OP. This doesn't make for a good start. I think you might be getting into a hot-cold dynamic with her here so I would tread cautiously. 

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11 hours ago, reggierags said:

 the hot flashes was because she was gonna throw up. 

She seems like a lot of work but if you want hookups, she doesn't seem to have many boundaries, especially on ecstasy and booze, so that may be easy. She comes across as needing a nurse maid more than a BF. You two need a tripping tent, not a relationship. Quit doing club drugs and babysitting her through it.

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I wanted to add - I wouldn't include "we both like drugs" as one of your top things you have in common.  Many people like drugs.  If there's a specific type of drug you like to use and she likes it too then I'd find people who like that specific drug and way of experiencing it and do drugs with them as opposed to looking for that commonality when you're looking for a potentially serious romantic relationship. 

I mean in a short amount of time you might decide that this drug/drugs are unhealthy for you or no fun anymore and then you'll be in a situation where one person is still impaired/harming her body and mental health /spending your combined $ on drugs/risking you being caught with drugs/involved in dealing.  As opposed to both enjoying an activity that has a positive impact more than very short term and without potentially long term horrible effects.

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Asking for a date is just that. It’s got nothing to do with boundaries. Her boundary is however she answers. You know that old cliche, ‘you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take’, or whatever. 
 

That being said, you should think about what your reasons are for wanting to ask her out. From what you describe, she doesn’t seem to be in a stable place emotionally at this point.
 

The fact that you say you’re both into drugs, I don’t think it gives you the opportunity to start off on the right foot with each other. Lots of potential for lots of toxic scenarios to possibly play out there. It might be best for both of you to keep things platonic. My advice is to tread with caution when it comes to entertaining any thoughts of romance with her.

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7 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I tend to agree with this. 

She's fresh out of a relationship and doesn't seem to be in a great place, OP. This doesn't make for a good start. I think you might be getting into a hot-cold dynamic with her here so I would tread cautiously. 

tread cautiously as in wait or forget her? I see her everyday and she talks to me, we make plans, kinda hard to just forget her without being rude

what do you think about plainly asking out on a date to forget the awkwardness? 

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33 minutes ago, jul-els said:

 

That being said, you should think about what your reasons are for wanting to ask her out. From what you describe, she doesn’t seem to be in a stable place emotionally at this point.
 

 

I got it, yeah. I wanna ask her out because I feel like our relationship grew that night, but has stayed dormant since due to not doing anything together other than talking at work, walking her home and a bit of texting here and there. Like I want to know, or wait till she is in a better place, but then risk losing what we had that day

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7 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I know you are excited to take that next step but be careful….she’s an emotional train wreck. You are in rebound territory. 

Well not ideal but at least I would know what is happening, right now I'm at a loss. Do you think I should just tell her "can we talk?" I mean communication is above everything 

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11 hours ago, catfeeder said:

This sounds like she was fishing for you to ask her on a date.

Why not just do that instead of making this more complex than it needs to be?

Good luck, and fingers crossed.

I mean when she said that we had plans to go to her house the next day. And like I said she got a bad fever the next day. However that wasn't a date. If she says something like that again should I just specify I want to take her on a date?

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2 minutes ago, reggierags said:

I got it, yeah. I wanna ask her out because I feel like our relationship grew that night, but has stayed dormant since due to not doing anything together other than talking at work, walking her home and a bit of texting here and there. Like I want to know, or wait till she is in a better place, but then risk losing what we had that day

You’re idealizing one moment between the two of you. You should take a step back and look at the whole picture. 

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14 hours ago, reggierags said:

she was nauseous and asked me to get her an ice pack, when I came back her shirt was almost off because she was having hot flashes I guess, and was just lying face down suffering.

This is when you call  EMS, not consider dating.

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39 minutes ago, reggierags said:

Well not ideal but at least I would know what is happening, right now I'm at a loss. Do you think I should just tell her "can we talk?" I mean communication is above everything 

I'd refrain from the broad cliches about "communication" because if you cared so much about relevant communication you wouldn't have chosen to get drunk.  I don't think you should complicate this with the draconian "can we talk" - if you are ready to deal with her drama, instability, unhealthy lifestyle simply ask her out on a date you plan in advance and despite your shared love of using drugs perhaps make it a date in public sans alcohol or drugs so you can actually "communicate" effectively.

Since she was drunk and physically ill you have no idea if your relationship "grew" for any relevant purposes -your interactions were different and closer physically because you both chose to be drunk and you as a human being chose to check up on her because she made herself very sick from drinking. 

That's a different sort of closeness -caring for someone who is sick or injured -but it doesn't necessarily "grow" any relevant bond.  I liked a guy I met on a weekend retreat. He offered to drive me back.  From what I remember his car broke down.  I had the opportunity to get home from there a different way but I waited with him for help. 

He really appreciated it and asked me out.  We went out a few times.  Although we had that bond that day from my waiting with him so he wouldn't be on his own in some rural area - it didn't mean we were suited for dating.  We weren't.

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34 minutes ago, reggierags said:

I got it, yeah. I wanna ask her out because I feel like our relationship grew that night, but has stayed dormant since due to not doing anything together other than talking at work, walking her home and a bit of texting here and there. Like I want to know, or wait till she is in a better place, but then risk losing what we had that day

If you are trying to stay in the "friendzone" continue doing what you are doing. If you are trying for more then you would need to step up your game and risk. Even if it means you would lose her friendship. You "orbiting" there, walking her home every night and talking to her doesnt mean a thing. If she doesnt want to be with you, forget about her and move on.

Lots of people think that if they just stay in the proximity, be "chuby-chuby" and comply, other person would be with them. But in most of those cases, other person just doesnt see them in that way. You need to find out that and move away if that is the case. Plenty of other girls there. Plus they would probably be more stable and ready for the relationship. Because, as Ive said, dunno why you insist on this one.

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15 hours ago, reggierags said:

she was nauseous and asked me to get her an ice pack, when I came back her shirt was almost off because she was having hot flashes I guess, and was just lying face down suffering. . we like drugs

Then you very well know all the touchy-feely uninhibited stuff as well as the  hyperthermia, sweating, nausea, etc. are all related to MDMA, not attraction to you. 

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