How Can I subtly get the husband to find out?

[stressed1]

Hi,

 

As there is some extremely long experiencces here on affairs and people knowing, not knowing etc, I need a way, very subtly, to get my married friends husband to find out...for details of my situation, please refer to "3rd party in this affair" thread.

 

basically, I am convinced (but v insecure in the knowledge that he does know) that my married friend's husband knows about us but will do nothing. he has cheated on her at least 4 times in last 4 years. she is afraid to leave for legal and criminal reasons.

 

Now, I have heard all the moral stuff before, and have taken and listened.

 

The actual advice i want, and need, is how to let the husband find out. Then the situation would be resolved and my insecure friend would be free. Such statements like "if he left me it would be fine but i cant be the one to leave him" confirm this.

 

I have his mobile number, know where he works, know the town he lives in and so on.

 

Is there an easy way in all this that avoids me actually telling him (which i am prepared to do and want to do).

 

advice please ON THIS SUBJECT.

[Hope75]

The actual advice i want, and need, is how to let the husband find out. Then the situation would be resolved and my insecure friend would be free. Such statements like "if he left me it would be fine but i cant be the one to leave him" confirm this.

 

So, let me get this straight (not sure if I've read your previous thread or not)

 

You are having an affair with your married friend, and she won't leave her husband, so you want him to find out and leave her?

 

What would be your ideal situation? Do you want her for yourself?

[Day_Walker]

If you are prepared to tell him anyway then why all the subtlty and just get it over with? If you really want to be subtle about the situation then I would stick to indirect forms of communication. If you know where he works then perhaps a letter/note.

 

All of this seems unnecessary because why do you want to put yourself in such a position where this can come back on you. She is getting you to do her dirty work for her. If she refuses to leave him and he must leave her for legal reasons, they just sound like excuses why she wont do it. It sounds like you need to take a look at the type of woman you are gettin involved with and realize the implications of your actions.

[punchy504]

leave your skivvies in his trunk

[chai714]

You have a friend, who is married, and you want her husband to find out she's cheating with you because why?

 

I've had a theory about humans, and it's especially true in this case. (Every human, at their more inner core, is selfish). How are you benefiting from him finding out? Do you want him to leave her, so she can be with you? What's stopping her now, guilt?

 

What is your goal here?

[michelemybell]

I'm thinking even if the husband did find out, it would not be the end of their marriage. It sounds like your girlfriend would be too guilt-ridden to leave. Even if she did leave on the account of him kicking her out (I doubt it---He probably already knows or is living in a house with not a lot of love and affection, and still chooses to stay with her), I think her conscience would bother her. There's a reason why she is staying in this marriage beyond criminal and legal reasons (I'm thinking she's staying more for financial security). Maybe she is unsure in her own mind too.

Honestly, I would give her an ultimatum. If she doesn't make a decision to leave him, then leave her. You can't be hanging on and wasting time in your own life waiting for her.

I've also heard many times that relationships forming as a result of an affair have a higher failure rate. I think mainly because the "honeymoon stage" will eventually fade and she will be left with her same problems (lack of self-esteem) that she thought she was escaping in the first place.

To answer your question, you can always tell him yourself! He's going to find out your with his wife anyhow!

[DN]

You said she didn't want to leave because of legal reasons. Is this the situation where they are involved in some sort of criminal activity together? You could open a nasty can of worms by letting him know. Not much point her being free of him but in jail - she won't thank you for that.

[Falucchi]

Pick up the phone, call him and say,

"Hi, my name is ___ and I've been boinking your wife."

 

What's the big deal? I mean, why the desire to avoid actually telling him now?

It is what it is, and "I've been boinking your wife" pretty well gets the point accross.

 

I wish you and your lovely lady all the best!

[Hope75]

I wish you and your lovely lady all the best!

 

 

hmmm.... lovely indeed. Lovely infidel.

[Flora]

leave your skivvies in his trunk

 

I think I like that idea---i also think skivvies is one of the coolest words ever...

[Falucchi]

"Lovely lady"

I was being sarcastic or ....maybe facetious.

Maybe both.

[stressed1]

Hi all,

 

very useful comments, many thanks!

 

the situation is that i could do any of those suggestions, but want her not to know its me, so an sms message or phone call or letter would be too obvious. i have started to spread it around the town, with some v good contacts.

 

problem is, and as he is cheating too, nothing seems to hit home.

 

when a man asks his wife if he is having an affair, thats usually very obvious isnt it?

[RandomAdvisor]

What makes you so sure him finding out would change anything? He's cheating on her too, so maybe he'll just shrug it off?

 

For all you know he's already completely aware and has just chosen not to bring it up.

[Hope75]

I still don't understand what's so redeeming about this girl who is blatently disregarding the vows she made with her husband to sleep with you and then also blowing you off by staying with her husband.

 

Why the heck would you want to hold onto a girl who doesn't seem to care about either or you guys, and only herself?

 

She refuses to make a commitment with either of you. She lies, she cheats.....

 

Sounds like a real princess.

[asdf]

buddy, just stay as the 3rd party. trust me, it's the only person who can actually get anything out of this.

 

if you and her happen to get together, i can guarantee you she will take the chance to cheat on you if the right person comes along. and that will hurt you more than you can be hurt as the third party.

[kskm]

It's really none of your business.

 

You haven't been specific on here enough to find out the real story- whether you are actually seeing this married woman or not but here's what I think would happen;

 

If you decide to tell him then he will get mad at her- she will get nothing in the divorce if there is proof (her saying that she did, pictures, underwear) of the infidelity, she will be mad at you for telling him or having him find out and you two will no longer be together.

 

By saying that she wants him to end the marriage, she doesn't mean by him finding out that she's cheating...

 

Again, I think it's none of your business and you should butt out.

[stressed1]

Hi KSKM,

 

Exactly how can this be none of MY business exactly? I could understand if this was a friend looking in, but its me and i'm involved in this whether i like it or not and i take full responsibility for this.

 

If I havn't been specific enough, as in told you the full story, I will copy and paste from my earlier posting.

 

You can all then decide if this is a "happy" marriage and then comment.

 

As for the divorce settlement, this is england and infidelity doesnt figure into that any more. in just about all cases couples get half each thesse days, except for any prenuptial agreement. any, the story to give you all some more info

 

I am the 3rd party in an affair, the girl i am with got married to her current husband in nov 2002, then started working at the same place as me, and started chasing me at work as soon as we met. i with held her advances until 6 months later, june 2003, allowing her time to know what she was doing. before we initially had se*, i told her when we do i consider your marriage over. she carried on. in the meantime, we have been seeing each other all this time, even going on holidays together.

 

the background between her and husband is complex and revealing. he was married before he met her, went bankrupt, had an affair with her and then got married. then she started seeing me. since they have been married now and during the time i have known her, he has had 4 affairs that I know of. maybe more. he has left home 3 times in this period as well. he works away 3-4 months at a time, and has gone away now, returning in september.

 

the business side of their life is also complex and sickening. her husband is bankrupt and thereforeeee the house and business are in her name. there is another partner involved, but he receives no money as being partner because the husband and wife team take it off him, without his knowledge. as the husband is bankrupt, she takes it off him and sends it to another country, where she came from. he has ideas she is doing this but hasnt formally checked or confronted her. he asks questions but that is it.

 

from my point of view i want her but it is extremely complex and a longer road than i thought. as there are fraud and theft implications in my view, as well as affairs going on, it clouds her decision to leave.

 

 

now, i would like general views on this subject and on the burning question in my mind as to what i should do. another question of major importance is what is he going to do in september, when he comes off the bankruptcy list. i am pretty certain he knows about her affair, pretty certain he knows she is cheating him of money, but hasnt been able to do much because he is bankrupt. in september, this could change, and i believe and hope that he will confront her with these issues.

 

read my story, put everything together and give me ur views pls, much appreciated!

[stressed1]

Update.....

 

We are now at the stage where husband has gone to london to work for 4 months, wont be coming home weekends, when he returns he is off bankruptcy, and he is in the meantime earning money for himself and putting it into an illegal foreign account.

 

He could be spending the nice summer months being by the beach and making easy money from their restaurant, but chooses to be away in london playing the bachelor life as far as in can see....she cannot see this obviously, everyone else i have spoken to says he is doing just that...

 

any differing views?

[Hope75]

Listen to what you described about the marriage and the financial situation/criminal activity.

 

WHAT is worth getting tangled up in this mess?

 

WHY would you even want to be involved?

 

Regardless of what is going on in the marriage, her judgement call was to marry him and knowing all that she knows she still chooses to stay with him.

 

You as the third party are getting scraps of a relationship with a married woman, Don't you deserve more? Don't you want more?

 

She could be in some real trouble if the law finds out about her situation. Even if it is only her husband technically acting out the illegal activity of hiding assets in a foreign bank account while filing for bankruptcy, by knowing about it and not reporting it, she is aiding and abbetting the the crime.

 

The situation is complicated enough that she is married and still will not leave her husband for you, but the fact that they are criminals..... well... i just don't see the incentive to be involved if I were you at all.

 

There are alot of women in the world. Maybe you should consider one who is not a married criminal?

[DN]

There are alot of women in the world. Maybe you should consider one who is not a married criminal?

 

I second that - well said, Hope

[stressed1]

Hi DN/Hope,

 

thanks for yor comments and i fully see ur view point regarding the criminal activity. this is the only reason she stays with him, and him with her from what i can see. a mutual bond, not born out of love but a far more sickly, threatening blackmail bond.

 

however things change in september, when he comes off the bankruptcy list, and he is only a minor criminal in this (he cant have stolen any assets and hasnt profitted, as she takes the money). so he is relatively clean (as clean as u can be in all of this). her reason for doing what she is doing needs to be examined, and only continues the crimes because of her involvement with him, from what i can see.

 

i have no involvement, with me it would HAVE to be different, i have explained to her many times until very blue in the face that she will get caught in the end, maybe v soon, and the consequences are serious, very. sadly the only way they or she can hide the crime is to perpetuate it, and there is only so long that can go on. so ur points taken. why am i involved? love pure and simple. if not like u i would run a very very fast mile.

 

finally, and i want ur opinions advice on, and stick to the question, please!

 

the question is this.......:

 

In this scenario, what would u be thinking if u were him and what would u be doing, bear in mind he can own and claim assets in september. the points are:

 

1. he has accused wife of having affair in last 2 years, brushed off by her

 

2. he has seen her take a holiday with "friend", a friend he has never ever heard of or met, and he has met all her close friends.

 

3. he knows the money from business goes somewhere, and knows also how much it makes, as he started it.

 

4. he is wking away and saving money in diff bank account

 

5. he knows she takes money "home" with her, to native country (i wont say where), as he asks her.

 

6. he has been having numerous affairs of his own

 

now, the burning question is, what would u be thinking and doing if him (and stick to the facts, things above that are known actions)

 

my very educated guess is that at or around september he will do the following, or combination:

 

1. take back business (current his old half share resides with wife as cant own anything)

2. get divorce, start proceedings for lost money

3. claim back his half of house.

 

currently, she has told him under no conditions will he get his half share of business back EVER.

[DN]

He is in a tricky situation because of all the shady dealings - and so is she. Either one of them could could the bubble into the police about the other in the hopes of cutting a deal. So the normal 'rules' of cheating don't apply - sounds to me as if they are both sort of bound to each other - not by bonds of love and fidelity but by the fact they are scared to turn each other over for fear of what may happen next.

 

Messy, messy situation.

[Hope75]

why am i involved? love pure and simple. if not like u i would run a very very fast mile.

 

I still don't think love is enough to remain in such a sticky situation. Not in a million years. At some point, common sense has to step in front of your heart and tell you that enough is enough.

 

What difference does if make what her husband thinks? She is the one who's choice you are concerned with. Why are you waiting for her husband to kick her out? Listen to thier situation. It's insane.

 

If she is in fact with him soley because she fears criminal charges, (which once they are separated she could still be charged for), the fact remains the same, where is your place in this twisted up mess?

[Mun]

So why don't you wait until September and see what happens then? This could very well be resolved by the husband without you sticking yourself in such a mess.

 

Also.. are you sure you can trust her if/when she becomes your woman? She can lie, cheat and steal very, very well ...

[stressed1]

Hi all,

 

thx again for ur responses, i will reply directly to them now...

 

yes, i do see this getting v v v messy, cant see how it cannot......i just hope there is an amicable sensible settlement if it comes to that in october, cant see any of them avoiding some severe punishment otherwise, even then still might happen......she is in a very deep hole, he far less so, in fact he has her over a barrel.

 

as for me, can i trust her? i wouldnt be waiting if i couldnt, and i'm far far too sharp to be taken for a ride.....she just could not do it.

 

so i will wait till september, i will force as much as i can before then, ultimately get him to know for sure so his decision is easy for him...not that it isnt anyway...