Love vs. In love - some questions

[SleepyOwl1969]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Don't ask -it's irrelevant and it's intrusive.  I'm sorry.

Oh no, I won't be asking. 

[mylolita]

Evening Sleepy!

 

To me, loving someone is a feeling you can give towards your friend, your mother, your brother. You love them. Being “in love” to me is saying, there is romance involved. A romantic kind of love. 
 

People often give the dodgy line when trying to separate with someone, “I still love you, I’m just not in love with you” or say they “fell out of love”.

 

In my opinion, and for me, anyway, always being a hot running passionate emotional kinda gal, I can say that when you fall in love truly and deeply the feeling never really fades!

 

Everyone told me, before I got married, before I had kids, that this honeymoon phase would be over. 15 years and 3 kids later, my heart still skips a beat to hear my husbands voice. I miss him desperately and pine after him when he works away. He’s also my best friend. We never lost any sexual chemistry! I would say our love has even grown!

 

I think only you know yourself - how your partner is with you - how it feels. Remember, actions speak louder than words. Anyone can say, “I love you” but, their words and actions will tell you more. Like the song, it really is “in his kiss”.

 

I wake up everyday wondering how I deserve my husband, and how lucky I am. Of course we have had rough patches. We can fight like cat and dog. The main thing is, the spark is there, the flame still burns. 
 

Relationships are gardens. They need tending. But the soil must be right to start with. You can’t build a solid lasting loving and eternal happy foundation on something that isn’t there. 
 

What does your gut tell you? Are you happy? Is he? Is this relationship what you want? If so, I would say be happy and enjoy! If not, I would suggest a kind, open and honest conversation.

 

x

[mylolita]

Also! Just another note, Sleepy!

 

In life I have realised, we are all so different, our personalities so different - we relate and feel things, differently. What one personality values is not what another will. What is important to one is not to the other.

 

This happens in relationships all the time. I remember my old school friend, I’d known her decades. She got married two years after me. I remember her introducing me to her boyfriend back then. She was excited but didn’t seem bothered! When she told me about the engagement, she was practical, and said he loves me and he’s a doctor and we can get a house together. It was all very this and that. Me? I couldn’t IMAGINE walking to the alter because I thought, he’ll do! We have a good time, we like to travel and he has job security! Yes, she loved him, but it wasn’t the passionate torrent me and my husband shared like Romeo and Juliet, Us against The World, I would die a thousand deaths for you, type love. It seemed… luke warm. And to my hot blooded heart, it was a travesty, a huge mistake she was making. I didn’t know how she could do it!

 

We parted way, so unalike with not much in common. The last I hear, she is (I presume!) content with two children and still married after 5 years. I hope she is happy.

 

Happiness, love, romance - what a relationship should be like - how other people even feel and process emotions! It’s all so different for everyone. Everyone has different expectations.

 

What matters is, if you’re happy and fine with it all! I don’t believe anyone should settle for second best but, at the end of the day, some people are perfectly happy and at ease with that. Who am I to say love should be all or nothing!

 

Best of luck to you!

 

x

[mylolita]

8 hours ago, SleepyOwl1969 said:

How does one ever know if the other partner is as equally as invested as they are? By their words? By their actions?

 

I would say you just feel it in your gut and deep in your heart.

 

I hate to be all mythic on you but, it’s a case of asking him and having an open and honest conversation, and searching your soul.

 

x

[SleepyOwl1969]

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

Also! Just another note, Sleepy!

 

In life I have realised, we are all so different, our personalities so different - we relate and feel things, differently. What one personality values is not what another will. What is important to one is not to the other.

 

This happens in relationships all the time. I remember my old school friend, I’d known her decades. She got married two years after me. I remember her introducing me to her boyfriend back then. She was excited but didn’t seem bothered! When she told me about the engagement, she was practical, and said he loves me and he’s a doctor and we can get a house together. It was all very this and that. Me? I couldn’t IMAGINE walking to the alter because I thought, he’ll do! We have a good time, we like to travel and he has job security! Yes, she loved him, but it wasn’t the passionate torrent me and my husband shared like Romeo and Juliet, Us against The World, I would die a thousand deaths for you, type love. It seemed… luke warm. And to my hot blooded heart, it was a travesty, a huge mistake she was making. I didn’t know how she could do it!

 

We parted way, so unalike with not much in common. The last I hear, she is (I presume!) content with two children and still married after 5 years. I hope she is happy.

 

Happiness, love, romance - what a relationship should be like - how other people even feel and process emotions! It’s all so different for everyone. Everyone has different expectations.

 

What matters is, if you’re happy and fine with it all! I don’t believe anyone should settle for second best but, at the end of the day, some people are perfectly happy and at ease with that. Who am I to say love should be all or nothing!

 

Best of luck to you!

 

x

Mylolita, thank you so much for your opinion and sharing part of your personal life with me. It sounds like you have an outstanding relationship with your husband 🥰

So that's the thing, my partner does make me happy, very happy. And as I stated previously in another post this is definitely the healthiest relationship that I've been in. He checks all of the boxes, or most of them. Of course there are some minor exceptions but those are definitely things that I can live with and they are not deal breakers. 

If he all of a sudden came to the realization that he was in love with me, I really don't know what would change. He's very attentive, communicative, honest and we are very compatible and all aspects of a relationship. That is one question that I ask myself; if I am happy, and he makes me happy, does it really matter if he is in love with me or not? 

I think I will let things lie for a few months and revisit this with him at that point. I think an important question to ask him is, if he does not feel "in love" with me, where does he see the relationship going. Then perhaps I can decide at that point what I want to do, either continue with the relationship or go our separate ways.

 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, SleepyOwl1969 said:

 if he does not feel "in love" with me, where does he see the relationship going. Then perhaps I can decide at that point what I want to do, either continue with the relationship or go our separate ways.

That seems to be the real issue. You're at a crossroads because you hit one of your arbitrary timeline points of a year of dating.

Where is the relationship going? Where do you want it to go? Marriage? Living together? You need to be more resolute in what you want, both in a partner and in your life.

Maybe it's time to reflect and be honest with yourself. You say you're happy it's so far "the healthiest relationship you've had", but then you're wringing your hands over irrelevant semantics.

In fact reflect on the real reasons you wanted to grill him about love vs in love.

 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, SleepyOwl1969 said:

f he all of a sudden came to the realization that he was in love with me, I really don't know what would change. He's very attentive, communicative, honest and we are very compatible and all aspects of a relationship. That is one question that I ask myself; if I am happy, and he makes me happy, does it really matter if he is in love with me or not? 

But the sudden realization is not the point.  The point would be that if that feeling motivated his actions and behavior towards you so that he wanted to be committed to you long term from a place of feeling in love, so that even if there were negative interactions he would know how to reignite that spark for you and that would be the glue that would help hold you together.  

It's a bit of double talk.  I defer to you - if you are happy to be with someone where the feelings are not reciprocated and you feel he would act no differently, be any more committed, regard you any differently -then sure. 

I almost married someone I wasn't sure I was in love with but I loved him.  I didn't know like your boyfriend that I "didn't feel in love" -I was plagued with doubt over it and I loved him.

We were not yet engaged because I hadn't said to him I was ready.  He was ready. He was in love. My friend said since I was 30 something I should "marry him, have children and then divorce him if I wasn't happy" (meaning if I felt like something was missing -I was happy in the ways you described).  So to my friend this was a perfectly good and healthy solution.  To me it sounded like a nightmare -a dealbreaker -who would do such a thing?? Ironically, she was head over heels for her new husband and they divorced 7 years and 2 kids later because she cheated (and he probably did too).  

Yes- if this is enough for you- if you knew he would never tell you he was in love with you and you would never know -especially during rougher times -that you two had this in love spark for each other -that one reason you were together was because you spark together - you have that za za zoom Carrie talks about on Sex and the City -watch those episodes where she ends things with Aidan because she loves him but is not in love.

Also know that he may be totally loyal to you and attentive and have the dream of someone else - because when you're not in love that often happens - yes another movie - You've Got Mail - she says to her long term partner -she is not being unfaithful but has the dream of someone else.  I did- too often -until I reconnected with my future husband -likely because I loved the person but was not in love.

If none of this feels like settling -that's great for you -of course you should stay if you're happy -but don't rationalize or justify that you should be happy with the fact that he acts in loving ways when he's told you he is not in love with you.  He told you for a reason.  He doesn't want to lead you on or have you think you are his forever person.  He just doesn't feel that way.  I can relate and again if that is enough for you it's your call -I'm also in my 50s, I get it!

[Cherylyn]

19 hours ago, SleepyOwl1969 said:

Thank you for your reply. 

I don't think he lacks discretion. Remember, it was me who pushed him for the answer. He was being honest with me and I need to appreciate that. Whether or not it's what I want to hear I still should appreciate the fact that he was honest. 🤷‍♀️ 

You said that you don't scrutinize between being in love and love. And a friend of mine is like that. She knows she loves her husband but doesn't differentiate between in love and love. Either she loves someone ( in this case her husband) in a romantic way and feels connected or she doesn't. There is no distinction between being in love and loving.

The woman he was with that he was in love with; their relationship lasted 4 years. I don't know at what point he fell in love with her. Was it early on? Was it later? I don't know I've never asked him.

And yes I understand that it would sting. It does for me and I'm sure it would for many people. 

Thank you for your reply.

Thank you for clarifying that you pushed him for his honest answer.  Nonetheless,  the fact that he told you that he wasn't in love with you yet he loves you still feels like a backhanded compliment.  There is a negative connotation to his phrase because he told you that while he loves you, he doesn't love you that much to that extent which stings.  No man has ever told me this and if they did, I wouldn't feel fine.  Not at all.  I would feel quite that good enough in his eyes and that I don't have his whole, complete heart invested in me.  💔 ☹️

True, I don't dissect the meaning between in love or love itself because to me, either I love a person or I've lost all previous respect and admiration for them.  If it takes that route, love is dead.  There is no distinction for me.   It's either one or the other. 

Why be concerned about what point he fell in love with her?  I agree with others.  Don't ask him because there is no reason to.  It serves no purpose whatsoever. 

 

[SooSad33]

On 9/7/2022 at 3:22 PM, SleepyOwl1969 said:

1. How do you differentiate between being "in love with" and loving someone (in a romantic relationship)?

2. How important is it to be "in love" with your partner?

3. Can you see yourself being with a partner long term without being in love? Assuming that the physical attraction is still there. 

IMO, loving someone is in terms of loving your parents, loving your children ... As for being 'in love' with your partner, it feels real & is deep.

And it is important to feel in love with them- from both sides.  In time you will tell if feelings are mutual.

No, I dont feel love will last if someone isn't feeling it- can only fake it for so long. ( If is just a physical attraction, no.  Needs to be felt emotionally etc as well).