I like a guy, but we can never be

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

 in the meanwhile forego other opportunities because you'll be so distracted.

No other opportunities are being missed. There was a recent date and they're not even dating no less exclusive. It's not as if she is stuck in a go nowhere relationship with him. They're friends. So what? 

Having some type of social life outside of family work and baking would work wonders.

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

No other opportunities are being missed. There was a recent date and they're not even dating no less exclusive. It's not as if she is stuck in a go nowhere relationship with him. They're friends. So what? 

Having some type of social life outside of family work and baking would work wonders.

If she dates him and gets hung up on him it will take time away from her seeking out real potential spouses - she will be less motivated IMO especially since she is friends with the mother. I don't see an issue at all with her being friends with the mom and casual friends with him.

I agree she doesn't seem that attracted to him that they can't be friends and he's unlikely to talk about dating or trying to date others as he doesn't seem to be pursuing that sort of social life with anyone.

I saw several women get hung up on unavailable men and get less motivated to get out there and meet men who were potentials for the long term. He is not.

[Wiseman2]

To each their own. I vehemently disagree that one can only have unattractive opposite sex friends.

[Kwothe28]

14 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I know deep down I need to get out and find available guys who are on my level. But I've had such bad luck with that. I think I feel like if I keep waiting something could happen with this guy. 

 

But what are you doing to actually meet guys? There is this one that you met over your colleague and the one that contacted you online. But have you actively go out of the way to meet some single guys? Meaning: going out, maybe taking some classes that have guys there, maybe even going to singles event? 

Because like this, as you see, you are limited to guys who are "just there". Instead of maybe meeting somebody new that you would connect with.

Also, apropo of "attractive friends" talk, there is a big difference between being attractive and being attracted to. People can be attractive themselves and still be friends. But if they are attracted to each other, then its a problem. As we can see from almost every other thread we have on a Forum where past exes or even just friends without good boundaries, create a problem for new relationships. So yes, this guy would actively present a problem for her if she would want to date somebody new. Not to mention that he does present a problem for her in terms of moving on to something else as she is still hoping something would happen.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

She can't think of him as just a friend.

"...but we can never be" seems to indicate he's off the possible-BF/potential-husband list, so just a friend.

[boltnrun]

She said if he got a job she would want to date him. So no, she does not see him as a "friend". More like "I'm going to say we're friends until he gets a job, then hopefully he will ask me out on a date". 

I do have male friends. I'm not waiting and hoping that their status somehow changes so I can date them sometime in the future. It's strictly friends.

And based on the fact that Alex is being asked to be a bridesmaid in more than one wedding leads me to believe she has friends. She's not some friendless loner.

Alex, I believe your inertia is caused by a depressed state (NOT clinical depression, I'm not qualified to diagnose anyone) and that's keeping you on the couch at home. 

I've asked several times if you are open to therapy but you don't answer. I still believe you can benefit from a visit to your primary doctor and a referral to supportive therapy. A professional can help get you pointed in the direction you want to go.

[Alex39]

27 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

She said if he got a job she would want to date him. So no, she does not see him as a "friend". More like "I'm going to say we're friends until he gets a job, then hopefully he will ask me out on a date". 

I do have male friends. I'm not waiting and hoping that their status somehow changes so I can date them sometime in the future. It's strictly friends.

And based on the fact that Alex is being asked to be a bridesmaid in more than one wedding leads me to believe she has friends. She's not some friendless loner.

Alex, I believe your inertia is caused by a depressed state (NOT clinical depression, I'm not qualified to diagnose anyone) and that's keeping you on the couch at home. 

I've asked several times if you are open to therapy but you don't answer. I still believe you can benefit from a visit to your primary doctor and a referral to supportive therapy. A professional can help get you pointed in the direction you want to go.

I was in therapy for a long while. I loved it, but it got too expensive so I stopped. My therapist really helped me a ton with setting boundaries with my mother and wanting to forge my own life. I'm actively trying to do that every day. 

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Alex39 said:

I was in therapy for a long while. I loved it, but it got too expensive so I stopped. My therapist really helped me a ton with setting boundaries with my mother and wanting to forge my own life. I'm actively trying to do that every day. 

So what can you implement today to help get you off your couch and out into the world meeting people? What tools did your therapist give you? 

For example, I suffered from extreme Covid related anxiety and fear and mild OCD. My psychologist gave me exercises to do to help overcome my anxiety and fear. Today I am miles ahead of where I was in mid 2020 and even six months ago. And it's because I implement what she teaches me.

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

To each their own. I vehemently disagree that one can only have unattractive opposite sex friends.

I didn't say unattractive -I said if she is strongly attracted to a man -whatever he looks like (I was strongly attracted to men who weren't conventionally attractive, attracted to those who were, unattracted to certain men who looked like male models) - then she especially might use it as an excuse not to be proactively looking for available men.  She didn't seem all that sparked by this guy, just would be interested in dating him if he was available.

[Tinydance]

14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

No other opportunities are being missed. There was a recent date and they're not even dating no less exclusive. It's not as if she is stuck in a go nowhere relationship with him. They're friends. So what? 

Having some type of social life outside of family work and baking would work wonders.

Yes!!

[catfeeder]

9 hours ago, boltnrun said:

So what can you implement today to help get you off your couch and out into the world meeting people? What tools did your therapist give you? 

For example, I suffered from extreme Covid related anxiety and fear and mild OCD. My psychologist gave me exercises to do to help overcome my anxiety and fear. Today I am miles ahead of where I was in mid 2020 and even six months ago. And it's because I implement what she teaches me.

Good points. Alex, if expense is a barrier, phone therapist to request a referral to a PhD or PsyD candidate at your nearest Doctorate university. The request will either hook you up with low cost sessions with an experienced MSW being supervised for a Doctorate, OR, your therapist may be willing to tailor her/his rate to something more affordable for you.

But this is a really important time for you to navigate out of the kind of inertia that could land you into settling for some poor decisions-- and those could impact your future.

We all encounter an occasional slump, but your focus is too self critical and too weighted. 

I fear you romanticizing too much and rendering yourself unable to adopt resilience in dating.

Most people are NOT our match. If you personalize this, you will lower your standards and settle for a big mistake.

While none of us can diagnose you, I agree with Bolt's suggestion that you may be working against yourself and depressing your energies. 

Meeting people on dating apps is like speed dating without a timer. An ability to depersonalize the experience like playing musical chairs instead of white-knuckling every line of communication is critical to avoiding burn out and lapsing into disillusionment.

I hope you'll invest in self care and break your fixation on your friend's son. It's unfortunate that instead of your energy winning to motivate him, instead, his attention is draining and demotivating you.

Please notice that and reach for help to reverse this, and you'll thank yourself later.

Head high.

[Tinydance]

10 hours ago, boltnrun said:

She said if he got a job she would want to date him. So no, she does not see him as a "friend". More like "I'm going to say we're friends until he gets a job, then hopefully he will ask me out on a date". 

I do have male friends. I'm not waiting and hoping that their status somehow changes so I can date them sometime in the future. It's strictly friends.

And based on the fact that Alex is being asked to be a bridesmaid in more than one wedding leads me to believe she has friends. She's not some friendless loner.

Alex, I believe your inertia is caused by a depressed state (NOT clinical depression, I'm not qualified to diagnose anyone) and that's keeping you on the couch at home. 

I've asked several times if you are open to therapy but you don't answer. I still believe you can benefit from a visit to your primary doctor and a referral to supportive therapy. A professional can help get you pointed in the direction you want to go.

I would not really be waiting for anyone who is not asking me out RIGHT NOW. In the past I've wasted like 1.5 years on an ex who wasn't a good match for me at all. Life is short!

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I would not really be waiting for anyone who is not asking me out RIGHT NOW. In the past I've wasted like 1.5 years on an ex who wasn't a good match for me at all. Life is short!

Yup.  I waited 2-3 weeks for my ex to ask me on a date/want to get back together.  I was dating someone else during that time but yes I was hung up on him.  Later he told me one of his best friends told him to wait longer since he was going to be leaving town for months very soon -his idea was stay in touch, see me when he was in town, take it slow.  Such bad advice.  I wouldn't have waited that long with no information and certainly not long distance -even though I was totally into him I'd have forced myself to move on. Timing means a lot. 

Once we were back together we didn't rush into things but we understood 100% what our goals were - exclusive committed relationship to see if we should marry, and if that was the case I was going to relocate for his career -his career took priority -and we wanted a family.  Once you have that sort of understanding, that strong foundation, then it's perfectly fine to get to know each other at a reasonable pace.  You know him right now as a friend.  So if he wanted to properly date you for a few months once a week or so before being exclusive -also perfectly fine -because then you'd both know why he is asking you out, why you two are planning time together, and would be on the same wavelength. 

Right now his wavelength is "oh, hmmmmmm let's see---- there is a job opening which seems okkkkkk and maybe tomorrow I'll finish the application which is due today, and then I'll see if they call me - maybe I should follow up....ok I'll follow up -wait, mom - is that meatloaf for dinner???? --- wait, mom - did you say you hung out with Alex today? She's cute!

Maybe someday when I finish this application and maybe someday if I get a job I'll plan a camping trip with her -we can shop for camping stuff it will be so fun but first -- do we have that bbq sauce you got last week for the meatloaf? oh -right the application.  Reset password? What was my first concert??? I'll think about it after dinner - and I'll respond to Alex's text with that job listing she saw........ later.