Fiance thinks I was cheating on her, I was just trying to not bother her with my problems

[johncannot]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Bull. It's not her fault you were using cocaine. Take responsibility.

You ended up in jail, not her. Stop pointing fingers.

You sound like the typical jail-bird addict who blames their addiction/use/crimes on everything/everyone else portraying yourself as a victim. You've got a Long long road ahead.

We were using the cocaine together? I never said it was her fault completely for the drugs, when we first met I was super against them, but she wanted to try them so I got her anything she could ever want. Yeah I know i'm responsible for getting the drugs, but I'm also responsible for taking care of us for the last 4 years from my amazon and ebay businesses. we never used any drug apart from each other. And yeah I got caught with them because I was selling them to pay for both of ours addiction and anything she wanted because she didn't want to stop, and I didn't care about anything I wanted, I'd rather give everything I have to help someone before helping my self, especially the person I love. I would of never put her in a position to get caught with them anyway so obviously she didn't get arrested, because I wouldn't of given her the chance to be around when I went to someone. We also only used cocaine for a few days to get passed opiate withdrawals, no one likes coke. But it made me super manic because I have bipolar and you shouldn't combine those. 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, johncannot said:

I only ever really used drugs so I could handle how she treated me

Then why would you need to sell drugs to pay for both of your addictions? 

Bottom line, staying with her will keep you on drugs, in and out of jail and with no future. You can choose that life or you can choose differently.

[johncannot]

7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Then why would you need to sell drugs to pay for both of your addictions? 

Bottom line, staying with her will keep you on drugs, in and out of jail and with no future. You can choose that life or you can choose differently.

Because she was nicer when she was on drugs too. I stopped doing drugs for a while trying to get sober she kept doing them. I stopped for like 3 months but eventually relapsed cause she was still doing them often. I have problems telling people no, she could of told to do anything and I would of done it. I was willing to take any risk to make her happy and give her a decent life style. 

[boltnrun]

Some things to work on with your therapist. Dealing drugs so you can support drug habits is an extremely poor and self destructive decision. Also communicating online with random women.

Your therapist can help you find healthy outlets for your emotional distress and dependency on being ordered around and told what to do.

[gamon]

Your Fiance thought you were cheating on her because, well you were. The swapping of nudes for money is considered an emotional affair, and apparently- although you greatly minimize it and call it a "slip up" you apparently did physically cheat on her in the past, is that right?

You are not the least bit accountable for your actions, you've got uncontrolled mental and personality disorders as well as a drug addiction coupled with a criminal record. You have no business being in a relationship with anyone until and unless you get yourself squared away.

The first step is accountability, which you seem to entirely lack.

 

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, gamon said:

The first step is accountability, which you seem to entirely lack.

I have to agree. 

I see a lot of back-tracking and justifying on your part, OP. You blame your ex for your own drug problems. You only got inappropriately close to other women because of your ex. You relapsed because of your ex. 

Your ex sounds like a very mixed-up woman, no doubt. But you behaved poorly and are not really taking responsibility for your own bad choices. It's time to man up and quit passing the buck to her for your own destructive behaviour. 

[johncannot]

On 8/4/2022 at 5:01 PM, gamon said:

Your Fiance thought you were cheating on her because, well you were. The swapping of nudes for money is considered an emotional affair, and apparently- although you greatly minimize it and call it a "slip up" you apparently did physically cheat on her in the past, is that right?

You are not the least bit accountable for your actions, you've got uncontrolled mental and personality disorders as well as a drug addiction coupled with a criminal record. You have no business being in a relationship with anyone until and unless you get yourself squared away.

The first step is accountability, which you seem to entirely lack.

 

I have never physically cheated on her. and I have never sent a nude of my self. I take full responsibility for what I did here. I never started it with any ill-intent, it changed into a completely different situation in a few days. I was scared to come to my fiance with my problems because she has always been mentally and physically abusive, I never blamed her that, I took the blame and let her think I caused it so she wouldn't feel guilty. I have never, not once, ever betrayed her. Until this one mistake happened, one mistake in 6 years. When she abused me daily for the entire time we were together and I was scared of how she would react if I needed more help from her. I also don't have a criminal record, all the charges are being dropped. I am fixing my mental health problems, but she doesn't believe she has any anymore, even though she used to be on medicine for it. 

[johncannot]

16 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I have to agree. 

I see a lot of back-tracking and justifying on your part, OP. You blame your ex for your own drug problems. You only got inappropriately close to other women because of your ex. You relapsed because of your ex. 

Your ex sounds like a very mixed-up woman, no doubt. But you behaved poorly and are not really taking responsibility for your own bad choices. It's time to man up and quit passing the buck to her for your own destructive behaviour. 

When talking to her about what happened, I took full blame of everything, I never put any blame on her. I could never do that to her, she already has enough problems on the inside about her self, so I never let her take blame of anything. I messed up literally one time, and didn't even realize what I thought were people being friends,  turned into what it did. The thing with the money, she was being nice to me for days just making sure I was ok, she would ask for money for an uber to go to college and i'd send it to her because I have problems saying no. And she decided to send a nude after I sent the money. I never wanted that, I don't want anyone else other than my ex. I stopped talking to this girl after that and was done with it. Yeah it happened, I didn't go seeking for it to happen tho. I've dealt with her treating me wrong throughout the years multiple times. She got close to her old ex, and I told her I didn't like it, but she didn't care so I just let that happen. Yeah I thought she might of cheated on me, but I never went through her phone, no matter how bad I felt about it, I trusted her. She used to physically abuse me for 1-2 years daily and I stuck by her to try and help her get better, eventually the physical stuff stopped, and it was only emotional abuse. I tried to get her to stop, but it always ended up with me being the one who was sorry and I would try and be better, even though I always did exactly what she wanted. I was never allowed to have friends, to leave the house when she was home. And if she had friends over, I had to leave her alone. But if I had friends over she would be mad at me and I'd make them leave. 

 

I'm not saying I didn't mess up, I know I did, but it was literally one time without me meaning for it to end up like that. I put up with anything she put me through, and I just held her closer to me because I didn't want her to ever feel bad about anything she ever did. If i got hit by her, I was sorry. If I was at my friends and she was upset, I was the one who was sorry. And in this situation where I screwed up, I was still sorry. I never put any blame on her. But after all I sacrificed to make her happy, how is this one mistake so much worse than what she did?

[boltnrun]

5 minutes ago, johncannot said:

how is this one mistake so much worse than what she did?

It's not worse. It's just one more indication of how terribly toxic and unhealthy this relationship is. And another example of why the two of you need to stay far, far apart from one another.

[johncannot]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

It's not worse. It's just one more indication of how terribly toxic and unhealthy this relationship is. And another example of why the two of you need to stay far, far apart from one another.

I know we aren't healthy for each other, I've known that forever, but I couldn't stop loving her no matter how hard I tried or anything she did to me. If you would go get on medicine again and go to a therapist I would feel better about her leaving. I don't want to see her ending up getting hurt more because she can't see the things she also does wrong. I don't want her to end up hurting someone else because the way she treats people. Everyone has always told me she wasn't nice and so many other reasons I shouldn't be with her. But that just made me want to get closer to her so no one could hurt her, and she couldn't hurt anyone else. Her last ex almost killed himself when she left abruptly with no real reason. She knows how to make you attached to her more than anything, and it works, way more than it ever should of. I was fine with her treating me wrong for the rest of my life, if that meant I could bring some stability and happiness to her life. She deep abandonment trauma, I would of stuck by her for the rest of life without questing it if that made her happy. I have never cared about my own happiness, I just want to make someone elses life better. Her treating me wrong and abusing me just felt normal because that's what I grew up with, and she knew it too. She knows how to pull at every string of my heart, getting me to do anything she ever wanted without question. She knew all I ever wanted was one true love, and she used that against me, she knew I would never leave on my own, so all she had to do was tell me she loved me and I would never question anything she wanted. I have never felt loved by anyone, and with her acting like she loves me more than anything, and seemingly so genuine, I believed everything she said. I always protected her if she did something bad to me, I would try and rationalize why she did it and blame it on my self. Because if I didn't she would just carry it out until I come begging for her forgivness for something I never did. I really love her, and I would of sacrificed the rest of my life if I knew it would make her happy, because her happiness was my happiness.

[boltnrun]

That is extremely unhealthy and frankly sad to read.

I hope you are being honest with your therapist and telling him or her everything you've said here.

[johncannot]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

That is extremely unhealthy and frankly sad to read.

I hope you are being honest with your therapist and telling him or her everything you've said here.

I know... I don't know how it got to this point. I was willing to stick with her forever hoping one day she would get better, even if she didn't, I would of stuck with her. I don't know how I can be so addicted to someone who treated me so wrong, I guess it's because I've never been treated right, this is the only thing I know. I just want to forget her, but I can't, all I can think of is her hurting someone else or hurting her self, and I don't want anyone to have to go through what I did, so I would of kept her just to protect anyone else from even 1/10th of the stuff I dealt with, or her having to deal with someone who is going to tell the truth about how bad she treats people, I don't ever want to see hurt. She doesn't do it on purpose.... or I hope not, I believe every word she says. Even though she never trusted me, even though I never did anything to break her trust. Somehow she found what was on my phone the literal day it happend, I was done with those people, I was done answering them after I knew they were using me. I just didn't delete the messages because I was never trying to hide anything. I knew I messed up, but I also knew I didn't mean for those messages to end up how they did. I wasn't just going to hide the messages from her, I thought she would believe me when I told her the truth, because I never have lied to her or made her not trust me, but she didn't believe me. Now I'm stuck wanting her back more than anything ever...

[boltnrun]

6 minutes ago, johncannot said:

Now I'm stuck wanting her back more than anything ever...

Are you sharing this with your therapist?

[johncannot]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Are you sharing this with your therapist?

Yes, and they try to help. I don't get why I'm so attached to her to my very core. No matter how hard I try to forget her, or remember every bad thing she ever did to me, I still just want to run back to her. She made me codependent so I could never leave, and it worked, it worked way too much. I'm pretty sure it's called Trauma Bonding, which is why I'm so attached. 

[boltnrun]

3 minutes ago, johncannot said:

Yes, and they try to help. I don't get why I'm so attached to her to my very core. No matter how hard I try to forget her, or remember every bad thing she ever did to me, I still just want to run back to her. She made me codependent so I could never leave, and it worked, it worked way too much. I'm pretty sure it's called Trauma Bonding, which is why I'm so attached. 

Please be sure to keep working with your therapist. They are trained to help you get through this.

One trick you can try is to tell yourself you'll contact her in six weeks. Mark the date in your phone. Then a week before see how you feel. Try pushing it back just one more week. And so on. That way it won't seem like such an absolute. It might make not speaking to her easier to deal with.

[johncannot]

Just now, boltnrun said:

Please be sure to keep working with your therapist. They are trained to help you get through this.

One trick you can try is to tell yourself you'll contact her in six weeks. Mark the date in your phone. Then a week before see how you feel. Try pushing it back just one more week. And so on. That way it won't seem like such an absolute. It might make not speaking to her easier to deal with.

Thank you, I'll try and do that. I just got a job at best buy today too so I'll have time not being stuck alone thinking of her now. Maybe I can finally have a real friendship after 6 years. It's just hard, she's the only thing I know, and that's what she wanted. I wanted to leave years ago, but she told me she loved me and would be with me forever, and I stupidly believed it, she did that because she knew that's what I wanted. Those are the only 2 things she ever had to tell me and I always came back "I love you, I'll be with you forever" no matter how bad what she did to me was, I forgot all about and came to comfort her. She invalidated everything I ever felt if it came off as she might be the problem, she changed how things happened, I knew she was lying, but she seemed so sure I believed her, because I thought, why would she lie to me? she loves me, I would never lie to her. 

The thing that hurts me the most is, she knew I wanted to take things slow at the start, she knew I wanted to take things slow so I knew this is what I wanted. But after 2 months we kissed, literally once, and a week later she got me to do sexual stuff with her which I didn't want to do, I just couldn't say no. And after that happened, I gave up every looking for anyone else, she knew I only wanted one person. So she made herself that person, and she knew I would never leave then. Right after that is when she started treating me wrong, she was so nice before that. But she knew she had me for as long as she wanted then, and I always tried to fix everything because I just wanted it to work how i wanted it to. 

[johncannot]

On 8/4/2022 at 5:01 PM, gamon said:

Your Fiance thought you were cheating on her because, well you were. The swapping of nudes for money is considered an emotional affair, and apparently- although you greatly minimize it and call it a "slip up" you apparently did physically cheat on her in the past, is that right?

You are not the least bit accountable for your actions, you've got uncontrolled mental and personality disorders as well as a drug addiction coupled with a criminal record. You have no business being in a relationship with anyone until and unless you get yourself squared away.

The first step is accountability, which you seem to entirely lack.

 

I never physically cheated, I've never even held another persons hand, kissed another person, or anything like that. My whole life I only wanted to be with one person, and now I want that to be her, no matter how she treats me. And yes, it was a slipup. I didn't pay for the nudes, I never asked for them. How am I supposed to know that someone online being nice to me and ask for money is an ewhore? I never asked for a photo, she just thought I wanted it. I stopped texting her after that. If you still want to call that cheating, then fine, I personally don't believe it is. I wish it was that simple, I wish I was the one that ruined everything, I would be so happy to take all that blame for her if it made her happy. But, that is not how it happened. If I was purposely cheating on her I would of deleted the messages, changed my phone password, or anything like that. I never did any of that, I left my phone with her anytime I left, she always knew the password, I didn't mean for what happened to happen. I wasn't going to delete it and act like it never happened, I was going to bring it up to her but she found it that same day before I could say anything. I've never hid anything from her, why would I start now? I thought we both trusted each other a lot. I never did anything to break her trust, but she's done tons to break mine but I just got over it. I wasn't even allowed to have friends, I needed someone to vent to, I didn't realize what they were going to send. How could of I? But she is allowed to be close friends with her old ex and if I bring that up I'm a horrible person. I never went through her phone, I didn't want to be hurt, I didn't want to know if she was doing anything, I still wanted her no matter what.

Also, on the drug addiction thing, I was going to go to rehab a year ago so I could become a better person for her. But she made me not go, she told me it was stupid and drugs weren't the problem. She said she couldn't stand me being gone for even a few days, how could I do that to her for a month. And guess what, I staid off drugs for 3 months after that while she kept doing them. I wasn't going to control her, I wanted to be better for her, I didn't care if she was better to me.

I have no criminal record, everything is being dropped. Even if I did get a record, that shouldn't matter to her because she wanted to keep doing the drugs, I did not. But I would of done anything to keep her life style the way she wanted. I bought her anything and everything she ever wanted, I never got my self anything. I didn't want anything but for her to be happy. 

Also I would like to add, don't assume stuff. There is a lot more behind what I said, I can't give exact details about every event in one main post. If you want more details about a certain part of it, ask, don't assume just from what I posted. All I want to do if fix things with her. That is the stupidest thing I could ever want, I should be happy she is gone. I have bipolar, schizophrenia, and adhd; I don't think I have a personality disorder, I try and get all of my problems taken care. I may act like someone with borderline personality now, but that's what she has. She has BPD and Depression, and I've never blamed her for any of it. Yeah I have some pretty severe problems, that I am always trying to fix. She gave up on her problems years ago, because I stopped bringing up to her when she was being mean or manipulative because I didn't want to hurt her or have her feel bad about herself. 

I am accountable for what I did, but I only messed up for the first time literally 3 months ago. And what happened wasn't even something I was trying to make happen. I needed people to talk to about my problems because I hate making her have to deal with my issues. I dealt with her threatening to commit suicide anytime I did something she didn't like. I didn't answer her within a minute? We'll there goes my week, now I have to comfort her for something I never did. I never blamed her, I never wanted it to feel like it was her fault. 

You are 100% right though on the accountability. I should of held her accountable for what she did to me, I should never of let her think it was ok to treat me like that. You're right, I am 100% accountable for letting her get this far into my life and destroying every piece of my self I ever knew. I became a slave to anything she ever wanted, and I didn't care. I would of done it for the rest of my life. No, I don't blame her for us starting to get into drugs, we did that together as a choice. But when I wanted to stop, and she didn't, that's not my fault anymore. I have always taken accountability for everything I ever did to her, and everything she ever did to me, because I didn't want to see her get hurt. I loved her too much to do that to her, and I didn't care about my self. 

I was a perfectly happy, nice, caring, and willing to do anything for anyone before I met her. She promised me love, I came straight to her, and I was dedicated to doing whatever she wanted me to do for the rest of my life. Yeah, I'm not as nice anymore, I'm not as caring anymore, but that is what happens after 6 years of constant abuse. And guess what? I was never mean to her, I only started treating other people wrong, and if they told me my relationship wasn't healthy, I attacked them and blocked them. I ruined every friendship I had so they couldn't criticize us, I didn't think she deserved any blame. She came into our relationship with severe mental issues, self esteem issues, and abandonment trauma. I didn't blame her for it, but I was going to do anything to help her. Does that really sound selfish to you? Or like I ever stopped caring? Because I didn't, I just dedicated every part of me to her, and had nothing left to give anyone else. 

If you really think I caused any of the problems, I would love to know what you think I did and I'll do my best to explain everything. I'm not lying on here, all I want is to make it work with her, I never want to see her get hurt or hurt anyone else. So if I did anything, I would love to know what is so I can work on it. That's the entire point of this, I want to better my self. I don't care if she helps her self, I would take her back. But if she wants to move on, she needs help. She can't do this to herself or anyone else again, she's going to end up more hurt than she ever thought she could. No normal person would deal with what I dealt with. But I'm not normal, I just want to help her, no matter what she does to me. 

Just please don't assume anything, this is a lot to explain. So just please, ask first. I get why you assumed it in the first place, I just didn't want to right everything. I never wanted to blame her on here for anything, but all this has done is make me see the truth between us. I wish that could make me give up on us, but it didn't. I still want to help her even if she hates me forever. 

[boltnrun]

Does your therapist think you two should be together? Does your therapist think this is a healthy relationship?

Edited August 6 by boltnrun

[johncannot]

17 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Does your therapist think you two should be together? Does your therapist think this is a healthy relationship?

The first meeting wasn't much help just explaining, we shall see next week. But I already know what she's going to say, she's going to say I have to leave because she's horrible for me

For the last 6 years of our relationship, atleast every 6 months I made a post on sites like this or reddit asking how I could make it better, and everyone, every single time, said I need to leave her before she hurts me. I was stupid, I thought I could make it work. Maybe she is just incapable of actual love, or she just has no empathy. I'm pretty sure it's the lack of empathy, she can never pick up on how someone else feels, and if she tries, she's always super far off. It makes it hard for her to ever realize what she's done. I on the other hand, have a lot of empathy, I can tell how someone feels and be right more than 90% of the time, and I use that to help the other person. But whenever I had a problem, I had to forget about it because she wouldn't understand anyway. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, johncannot said:

 Maybe she is just incapable of actual love, or she just has no empathy. 

Or maybe you were using cocaine, inappropriately oversexual and continue to have under treated manic episodes. You don't need reddit, you need to follow up with your parole office, psychiatrist and therapist. Stop blaming the world for all your bad behaviors.

[johncannot]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Or maybe you were using cocaine, inappropriately oversexual and continue to have under treated manic episodes. You don't need reddit, you need to follow up with your parole office, psychiatrist and therapist. Stop blaming the world for all your bad behaviors.

It was't me doing the coke by myself we did everything together. I am vey very far from being oversexual, my mind and my body want stuff at different times. I literally go to a therapist every week and psychiatrist once a month. It's not like I choose to have manic episodes and act wrong, that isn't something you can just control. She used to do other drugs, and even when eating regular food she would have issues with past, so I never pushed any boundaries for he, it's not she would let me to anyway.

I have seen her be truly emphasis to see me and her jus living together. I never blamed her found any of things wrong I ever did, I have never lied about anything. But she happy tell our old friends about what I did so wrong. But guess, no one knew what she was really like. She changes every part of her self when around other people. Now she denies she even has BPD even she s been on it for a 6months maybe less idk. I just wish she could get her self better so she never has to worry about getting her hurt. I never wanted her upset, and no matter how bad she was at something I always did what you said you wanted. 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, johncannot said:

even when eating regular food she would have issues with past. Now she denies she even has BPD even shes been on it for a 6months

Your posts are increasingly incomprehensible. "Eating regular food"? She's been on "it"? Been on what? Leave her alone and stay off the drugs.

[johncannot]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Your posts are increasingly incomprehensible. "Eating regular food"? She's been on "it"? Been on what? Leave her alone and stay off the drugs.

I meant to say diagnosed with it for 6 months or less. and we both have been on drugs together I don't know what I was trying to say completely I haven't slept right in weeks. Also, how is so bad for me to want her? I never did anything to hurt her in anyway and always helped her. But the second my mental health shows up, she just left because she just didn't want try and help with it. It's not my fault I feel like I lover her more than anything and never wanted her to leave. Even though she was constantly physically and mentally abusing me but I guess it's all fine when a woman does it. Not like all I did was try and help and all she did was push me away when I got to close, because she literally has abandonment issues that I never wanted her to have to deal with again.

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, johncannot said:

the second my mental health shows up, she just left because she just didn't want try and help with it. 

She's not your psychiatrist. Stay away from each other and tell your psychiatrist/therapist you can't sleep.

Edited August 6 by Wiseman2