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Fiance thinks I was cheating on her, I was just trying to not bother her with my problems


johncannot
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We've been together for nearly 6 years now, almost 2 years engaged. She's the love of my life, I've helped her through some of her worst time. She used to be very depressed and was often physically and mentally abusive, but I looked past that and helped her through her problems. Eventually we got into drug use to cope with our anxiety and other problems, eventually my mental health took a really bad turn and I have bipolar, adhd, and a panic disorder. For a while I came to her with all my problems, but I felt like she didn't care. I felt so alone and like no one even cared about me. A few months ago some girl started messaging me just being nice and asking how I was doing. And eventually that led to me talking to her about my problems because I didn't want to bring up those problems to my fiance because I felt like she has had enough of my problems.

I only started talking to this person after we started doing cocaine which made my mania super bad which caused me to act recklessly and felt even further from my fiance. In the end this girl was just talking to me just to buy drugs from me, so I was going to meet her to sell to her. But my fiance didn't see the messsages about the drugs, just meeting. I would of never physically cheated on her, I didn't even realize I was emotionally cheating on her. I just thought me not brining up my problems to her was better, I never even liked the girl I was talking to, I just wanted to talk to someone about my problems, I just didn't want to bother my fiance again with me feeling alone and all the other problems I had. I felt so distant from her, because I just tried to hide all my feelings from her trying to help her by not making her worry. This was the worst decision I ever made, I never meant to emotionally cheat on her, I really thought I was doing the right thing in the moment by not bothering her with my problems.

Another stupid thing happened to, this one girl from a different state was messaging me about my job, my hobbies and other stuff like that. She asked for money so I sent it to her because she was being nice to me. Eventually she ended up sending nudes for the money I sent her which I never wanted. I stopped talking to her after that, I just wanted someone to talk to about my problems, not someone to cheat with. Both of these girls were in the end just using my problems against me seeming like they were helping just to get stuff from me. In the moment while being high and super manic from the bipolar and unable to think clearly I went with it. Eventually my fiance found these messages, and I just broke. I froze up and dissociated and didn't know how to react. Because inside I knew I wasn't going to cheat, but how could she know that? This just turned me into a blank nothingness and I didn't even try to comfort my fiance. I was being so stupid because I didn't know how to react. I didn't even explain everything in the moment because I froze up and my mind went blank. I only talked to these people for like 4 days while on a bender and it was the biggest mistake of my life.

We've been together for so long, I never wanted it to be over. I ended up going to jail right after this happened over drugs and she left me while I was in there. While in jail I could finally think clearly and could see how bad I messed up, I tried to explain it to her but she just won't beleive me. We've been together for so long, I never wanted to cheat, not even emotionally, I didn't even know I was because I never even liked these other people, I just didn't want to bother my fiance with my problems because she doesn't know how to deal with them and she's heard me talk about my problems daily for years now.

I would do anything to fix it, I tried to bring up couple therapy but she won't have it. I'm already going to therapy by my self but I just want her back. She also had borderline personality disorder which makes her see things on such extreme ends, not how it actually happened. I just want her back, more than anything. I know I would never do it again...

 

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What are you doing to overcome your drug addiction? What treatment are you receiving for your mental health issues?

Those things need to take priority. If you don't have your health you really don't have anything.

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2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What are you doing to overcome your drug addiction? What treatment are you receiving for your mental health issues?

Those things need to take priority. If you don't have your health you really don't have anything.

i've been sober for over 2 months now, I'm on medicine, I'm going to therapy every week. She is just out drinking with her friends and not even trying to work on her problems. She is just saying she needs to find her self when she's just trying to hide from any pain. She has borderline personality disorder which makes her see everything in such a black and white viewpoint and she isn't even trying to get it treated. It was the root of most of our problems, and the drug use, but she refuses to deal with it. On my end I'm doing everything I can to fix my self, but I just want her back more than anything. She won't even talk to me in person because she is just trying to avoid me to not get back with me because she's so certain I purposely was bad to her.

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20 minutes ago, johncannot said:

She is just out drinking with her friends and not even trying to work on her problems. She is just saying she needs to find her self when she's just trying to hide from any pain. She has borderline personality disorder which makes her see everything in such a black and white viewpoint and she isn't even trying to get it treated.

So with you trying to improve ( except for the coke habbit/ dealing), she isn't.

How do you think this will ever succeed?

I feel sorry for you being in this spot... and how are you ever going to be able to 'get clean' with an addict and abusive fience?

Seriously... she is toxic for you.  And her walking away is a blessing in disguise.  Thing is, you can't see past those rose coloured glasses 😕 .

How about you just pull wayyy back now.  Go no contact and focus on YOU?  Believe me, I feel this is what is needed here.  

You two will only continue to ruin each other ( or at least she will).  I honestly think she has made you weak, feeling you need to 'beg' her forgiveness.

As for these other woman.. Please stop sending money & drug dealing.. your world will become a lot more stable & better for you.

Aim to get clean and aim at living a more stable life.  Get away from this drug crap and continue to go down the right road. 

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7 minutes ago, johncannot said:

I shouldn't of sent anyone money, but I have problems telling people no and standing up for my self, all I want to do in the world is help people.

Is time to learn to focus on you.. and help yourself.  You need to learn you cannot help or fix everyone.  That will lead you down a bad road ( so you noticed).  We can't please everyone- fact!

8 minutes ago, johncannot said:

I would of went to college sooner but she wouldn't let me do anything, she would get upset if I went and did anything for more than 5 minutes, she's made me super codependent and now just left. Now she even says she never physically or mentally abused me, she denies the physical because it only happened for the first year we were together, but obviously I still remember it? How could she not?

Of course she remembers.  And of course she will deny doing any wrong.  She's trying to manipulate you etc.- which is all VERY unhealthy on you! 😕 

She is basically acting this way because YOU let her.

 

10 minutes ago, johncannot said:

She controlled me with her emotions, she molded me into a person that would do anything for her, I helped her through all her struggles, and now she's leaving me in the dust to fend for my self. 

Again, I say, a blessing in disguise....

Why would you want to marry anyone like this?  So you can continue to be treated like crap and have it all be HER in control?  Do you see anything here healthy for you mentally/physically?  😕 

 

12 minutes ago, johncannot said:

On the getting clean part, I tried to get us to stop using drugs multiple times because it was messing up my mental health, but she would just bring them up and I would get them because I was still addicted.

- Again, is on her... see this?

 

You NEED to gain back your control of self. You need to say NO and enough!  And this includes going out, fetching anything more for anyone.  Is just no more.. right?

This is YOUR life.  Please realize this!

She is NOT good for you - especially that you have anxiety issue's 😞 *sigh*.

I have come to learn over time who and what caused mine.. yah I was on anxiety meds for a while- am now on mood stablizers.. BUT, I need to avoid my 'triggers', to keep on a decent path.

This is what YOU need to do as well..

Of course it can be very hard to 'let go' of someone you feel for but come on!  You can do it!

- - You step away and just stay away.. in time you will come to realize how toxic she is for you.

I will not accept being treated like crap, be used or abused.  I learned a lot.

Time for you to also realize you worth and get it together- for YOU,,right?

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4 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Is time to learn to focus on you.. and help yourself.  You need to learn you cannot help or fix everyone.  That will lead you down a bad road ( so you noticed).  We can't please everyone- fact!

Of course she remembers.  And of course she will deny doing any wrong.  She's trying to manipulate you etc.- which is all VERY unhealthy on you! 😕 

She is basically acting this way because YOU let her.

 

Again, I say, a blessing in disguise....

Why would you want to marry anyone like this?  So you can continue to be treated like crap and have it all be HER in control?  Do you see anything here healthy for you mentally/physically?  😕 

 

- Again, is on her... see this?

 

You NEED to gain back your control of self. You need to say NO and enough!  And this includes going out, fetching anything more for anyone.  Is just no more.. right?

This is YOUR life.  Please realize this!

She is NOT good for you - especially that you have anxiety issue's 😞 *sigh*.

I have come to learn over time who and what caused mine.. yah I was on anxiety meds for a while- am now on mood stablizers.. BUT, I need to avoid my 'triggers', to keep on a decent path.

This is what YOU need to do as well..

Of course it can be very hard to 'let go' of someone you feel for but come on!  You can do it!

- - You step away and just stay away.. in time you will come to realize how toxic she is for you.

I will not accept being treated like crap, be used or abused.  I learned a lot.

Time for you to also realize you worth and get it together- for YOU,,right?

Yeah I've known for a while deep down she was bad for me, I just didn't want to admit it. I wanted to truly believe someone loved and cared about me as much as I did for them. I come from an abusive family so the abuse never even bothered me, yeah I know that's not good and I shouldn't of just taken the abuse, but I did, in hope to get true love. Instead she just used me until she didn't need me anymore. If I knew she wasn't serious I would of ended things before, I was willing to look past all of her flaws, but she can't even look pass one tiny slip up I did after 6 years, I've never done anything to cause us problems. It was always her causing it and then me apologizing. I was so independent before her, she turned me to become codependent so she could get everything she wanted, now it's so hard to be alone. I don't know what to do anymore. She was the first relationship I've ever been in, so I've never even been with anyone else to see if it should be any different. I just wanted to make my one and only work

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Talk to your therapist about your abusive upbringing and your trauma bonding with your abusive addict ex. You have (understandably) developed unhealthy relationship habits. Those have to be dealt with before you can be in a loving, strong and positive relationship. This one wasn't it.

I wish you the best in your journey to permanent sobriety and a healthy, happy life.

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1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

Talk to your therapist about your abusive upbringing and your trauma bonding with your abusive addict ex. You have (understandably) developed unhealthy relationship habits. Those have to be dealt with before you can be in a loving, strong and positive relationship. This one wasn't it.

I wish you the best in your journey to permanent sobriety and a healthy, happy life.

I will next time, thank you. It just sucks, I really loved her more than anything, I would of done anything for her. But she won't even try for me. I just hope one day I can find someone who cares even 1/4 as much as I do. 

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11 minutes ago, johncannot said:

I wanted to truly believe someone loved and cared about me as much as I did for them. I come from an abusive family so the abuse never even bothered me, yeah I know that's not good and I shouldn't of just taken the abuse, but I did, in hope to get true love.

Abuse is not love.

Sorry you went thru abuse as a child, as did I, but I had therapy over the years to work through my hurt/anger, etc.

 

She has been using you because you'd take it.  And continue to hang around- accepting more.

Believe me, you WILL come to find someone who can/will love you just as much as you will, them.  But, this isn't it.

 

14 minutes ago, johncannot said:

If I knew she wasn't serious I would of ended things before, I was willing to look past all of her flaws, but she can't even look pass one tiny slip up I did after 6 years, I've never done anything to cause us problems.

You keep bringing this up.  Was it really a slip?

So with you acting out a little in one instance, SHE had been carrying on for 6 years worth!

This is not on you.  So what, you chatted with a cpl ladies- one being abt money, the other drugs?  And just 'talking' as friends?  Where are you being a bad person?  We always need someone to 'vent to'.  

17 minutes ago, johncannot said:

I was so independent before her, she turned me to become codependent so she could get everything she wanted, now it's so hard to be alone.

Exactly!  Now you need to get out & away from all of this, harming you and get yourself back... right?

As for being alone.  We need to learn how to.  And to realize we are okay on our own.  I have been for a few years and am okay.  I do my own things. I go meet a friend for coffee on occasion, I go visit my parents/siblings, I have hobbies & walk my doggo 🙂 .  Plus I do things online & watch my shows.. so, plenty to do!

Okay, so this was your first relationship? Ohh yeah, you will come to meet someone again - and much better than all of this!

I do suggest you seek some therapy to work through all of your issue's.  Find your self worth and get yourself back to good .. It takes time & effort.

 

 

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1 minute ago, SooSad33 said:

Abuse is not love.

Sorry you went thru abuse as a child, as did I, but I had therapy over the years to work through my hurt/anger, etc.

 

She has been using you because you'd take it.  And continue to hang around- accepting more.

Believe me, you WILL come to find someone who can/will love you just as much as you will, them.  But, this isn't it.

 

You keep bringing this up.  Was it really a slip?

So with you acting out a little in one instance, SHE had been carrying on for 6 years worth!

This is not on you.  So what, you chatted with a cpl ladies- one being abt money, the other drugs?  And just 'talking' as friends?  Where are you being a bad person?  We always need someone to 'vent to'.  

Exactly!  Now you need to get out & away from all of this, harming you and get yourself back... right?

As for being alone.  We need to learn how to.  And to realize we are okay on our own.  I have been for a few years and am okay.  I do my own things. I go meet a friend for coffee on occasion, I go visit my parents/siblings, I have hobbies & walk my doggo 🙂 .  Plus I do things online & watch my shows.. so, plenty to do!

Okay, so this was your first relationship? Ohh yeah, you will come to meet someone again - and much better than all of this!

I do suggest you seek some therapy to work through all of your issue's.  Find your self worth and get yourself back to good .. It takes time & effort.

 

 

Thank you a lot

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3 minutes ago, johncannot said:

I will next time, thank you. It just sucks, I really loved her more than anything, I would of done anything for her. But she won't even try for me. I just hope one day I can find someone who cares even 1/4 as much as I do. 

Once you're sober and emotionally healthy you will be in the perfect place to find a wonderful woman who treats you well and loves you sincerely.

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7 minutes ago, johncannot said:

It just sucks, I really loved her more than anything, I would of done anything for her. But she won't even try for me. I just hope one day I can find someone who cares even 1/4 as much as I do. 

Okay, yeah- exactly!  She never cared.  BUT, you kept at it, doing it ALL for her.

You would have done anything for her?  You did plenty!  You tried and you tried... she did not. She is not well.  She is not 'able' to give.  Only use.

You cared for her and sadly got caught up in all of this.. thinking this was it.. love.  But it's not.

My brother had a relationship like this.  They were together a good few yrs after HS.  he got lost in this kind of thing as well 😕 .. They did eventually split, which was a good thing!  Was no good on him.

Today he is married to a wonderful gal.  He is clean & has a good job.  And he was able to be single for a few years & get himself back to good.

 

 

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22 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Okay, yeah- exactly!  She never cared.  BUT, you kept at it, doing it ALL for her.

You would have done anything for her?  You did plenty!  You tried and you tried... she did not. She is not well.  She is not 'able' to give.  Only use.

You cared for her and sadly got caught up in all of this.. thinking this was it.. love.  But it's not.

My brother had a relationship like this.  They were together a good few yrs after HS.  he got lost in this kind of thing as well 😕 .. They did eventually split, which was a good thing!  Was no good on him.

Today he is married to a wonderful gal.  He is clean & has a good job.  And he was able to be single for a few years & get himself back to good.

 

 

That makes me hopeful. We've been together since we were 14, we're 20 now. I just wanted to make the highschool relationship work... she's all I know about an adult life. 

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My heart goes out to you. Trying to recover and maintain sobriety while focusing on a loved one in comparison only splits your goal.

This equals two impossible goals.

Staying healthy for your own sake is undermined by your wish for an unhealthy person to join you.

That's like trying to drive safely while watching a train wreck.

Yet I understand the conflicting pull, and it's not your fault.

It's your barrier.

You must decide whether you can put that barrier on a back burner long enough to achieve the stability to view it through a stronger lens.

Once you can decide to do that, you'll relax into your own process for long enough to trust it.

From there, you'll disconnect your outcome from hers, which will liberate you to reach your own potential.

Does this mean you'll abandon your care for her?

You'll decide that from a healed perspective--on your own. And if your answer is no, that will come from a healthy position to possibly help her rather than from a position of dependency that can only derail you.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

 

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15 minutes ago, johncannot said:

That makes me hopeful. We've been together since we were 14, we're 20 now. I just wanted to make the highschool relationship work... she's all I know about an adult life. 

Aww, that is sooo young! You were 2 young kids.  Sadly, she's gotten involved & stuck in that sad way of life- It is her life and her choices. And is up to her to look at getting help. She will ONLY if and when she wants to.  But you cannot fix her.

People change and grow.  Many kids who dated in HS never remained together.  When I went, there was maybe two that ended up married etc and one couple did eventually split as well 😕 .

So, never any guarantee's when you get involved.

You know none of this is healthy, I'm sure.

You know you want to change & fight to get out of all of this.. issue's with the ex, drugs, etc...right?

You are 20 now, so your adult life is here.  So, maybe consider seeing it as this... That, YOU are advancing and changing, and she's still struggling mentally & w/her drugs etc... Then is time for you to get away from all of this and find yourself.

 

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8 hours ago, johncannot said:

. I just hope one day I can find someone who cares even 1/4 as much as I do. 

Doing drugs and messaging other girls is not "caring". You're toxic to each other and add to that drugs, mania, jail, etc and it's a recipe for diaster.

Stay clean and sober and out of jail. Stay out of relationships.  It's that simple. You still sound pretty manic and full of self pity. You're not the victim.

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2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Doing drugs and messaging other girls is not "caring". You're toxic to each other and add to that drugs, mania, jail, etc and it's a recipe for diaster.

Stay clean and sober and out of jail. Stay out of relationships.  It's that simple. You still sound pretty manic and full of self pity. You're not the victim.

I’m not saying I didn’t mess up, but this is the only times I’ve ever did something somewhat stupid. But she could physically and mentally abuse me? Yeah that definitely seems right.

We only turned to drugs to make us both not have panic attacks all the time, I used to pass out before drugs. drugs aren’t inherently bad either if use right. I tried to get us off them for a year now but she didn’t want to.

messaging other people who seem to care about my problems and I wanted to talk to people about it and both bother with it anymore. I literally thought I was dead or in coma for a year. It was just extreme psychos but eventually she got sick of it. 

i helped her for years to get over her depression and other mental problems, but right when I lose my mind she leaves and never even tried to communicate with me. 

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Drugs make mental and emotional issues worse, not better.

Has your drug addiction counselor, doctor and therapist agreed that you should continue using drugs the "right" way? How do you propose to get decent employment if you can't pass a drug screening? What about your pending drug charges? Were you charged with possession or for buying drugs? Or for dealing?

You're very young so you have time to turn your life around and have a fulfilling, happy future. But not if you keep using drugs and keep trying to force this toxic relationship. 

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48 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Drugs make mental and emotional issues worse, not better.

Has your drug addiction counselor, doctor and therapist agreed that you should continue using drugs the "right" way? How do you propose to get decent employment if you can't pass a drug screening? What about your pending drug charges? Were you charged with possession or for buying drugs? Or for dealing?

You're very young so you have time to turn your life around and have a fulfilling, happy future. But not if you keep using drugs and keep trying to force this toxic relationship. 

I only used the illegal drugs when I didn't have insurance and couldn't get help. Right when I got on medicine I quit, I don't like doing drugs all the time. And I was caught with intent to sale but I only got 3 months PTI and it comes off my record. 

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6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What are your plans for your life? Do you have a job? What kind of work are you interested in doing? Would you like to go to school to get a degree or learn a trade?

I'm going to college for a programming degree, I've always wanted to do that. I programmed from 10-15 daily until I got with my ex. Then I lost all my hobbies because they took too much time. 

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2 minutes ago, johncannot said:

I'm going to college for a programming degree, I've always wanted to do that. I programmed from 10-15 daily until I got with my ex. Then I lost all my hobbies because they took too much time. 

You didn't lose your hobbies. She insisted you give them up. See how much you've lost because of your involvement with her? 

But you can turn it all around. You can have a great career and be successful, but you won't have that if you return to your toxic relationship with her.

Please work with your therapist in crafting the kind of future and life you want. 

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1 hour ago, johncannot said:

I was caught with intent to sale but I only got 3 months PTI and it comes off my record. 

Stay clean and sober. Stay away from her and focus on what your counselors tell you. Do you live at home? In a halfway house? 

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44 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Stay clean and sober. Stay away from her and focus on what your counselors tell you. Do you live at home? In a halfway house? 

My house, it's a very light program. I only ever really used drugs so I could handle how she treated me

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23 minutes ago, johncannot said:

My house, it's a very light program. I only ever really used drugs so I could handle how she treated me

Bull. It's not her fault you were using cocaine. Take responsibility.

You ended up in jail, not her. Stop pointing fingers.

You sound like the typical jail-bird addict who blames their addiction/use/crimes on everything/everyone else portraying yourself as a victim. You've got a Long long road ahead.

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