He broke up with me because of my ex

[chimmychu]

I have been In a relationship with this guy for the past 3 months. Today he broke up with me  because I spoke to my ex. My ex broke up with me in February When i found out that i was pregnant with his child, basically once i told him I was pregnant he started mistreating me and told me to get an abortion. he was also telling people he had a vasectomy which made me look crazy to the public.   I did not want an abortion, but i ended up miss carrying. My ex never checked on me, during this time, till this day he just thinks i had an abortion. 
 

Since February I struggled processing why someone would treat me like i was nothing the moment I found out i was pregnant. I had conversation with my current boyfriend ( I guess now ex) at the beginning of the relationship about this because he knows my ex. Anyways fast forward last week my ex called and asked if we can speak i said we could. He came to my house and he apologized for everything he had done to me during that time. I accepted the apology and let him know that i am now with someone else. my ex then went and told a friend of his about this conversation and that person told my current boyfriend before i got a chance to do this. 

My boyfriend broke up with me today because he feels like I betrayed him, he feels like i want to be with my ex, when  all i wanted was to hash things out and just let go of that anger i held . What do i do now?

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, chimmychu said:

I have been In a relationship with this guy for the past 3 months. he knows my ex. my ex then went and told a friend of his about this conversation

Sorry this happened. Both with the last ex and this man. They both seem like bad men. You dodged a bullet in both cases.

Next time avoid TMI, share your personal business only with Trusted friends and family, not just everyone you date. 

Delete and block both of them from all your social media and messaging apps.

[JoyfulCompany]

20 minutes ago, chimmychu said:

My boyfriend broke up with me today because he feels like I betrayed him, he feels like i want to be with my ex

Too much drama from this guy - you did nothing wrong. You're better off without him. Block/delete his number and move on.

And I'm so sorry your previous ex treated you in such a heartless manner. Hopefully his apology is not a hidden attempt to try to get you back or something. Whatever it is, you don't need that person in your life either.

[chimmychu]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Both with the last ex and this man. They both seem like bad men. You dodged a bullet in both cases.

Next time avoid TMI, share your personal business only with Trusted friends and family, not just everyone you date. 

Delete and block both of them from all your social media and messaging apps.

Thank you, quick question. Why do you feel like I  should also block my current boyfriend( now ex)?

[JoyfulCompany]

To prevent potential additional drama on his part and to move on in peace.

[Kwothe28]

Frankly, what was he suppose to think? Your ex, who you were pregnant with, came into your house. And then your ex, because you didnt wanted reconciliation(he probably came for that) made sure that the new boyfriend knows about the meeting. Such an upstanding guy your ex lol. So you

1) hid the meeting from him

2) met with your ex

3) did it within your own home which raised even more suspicion

Again, if you were him, what would you think? That it was innocent meeting or that you are planning reconciliation?

Was he wrong to think that? Sure. But both of you gave him no reason to think differently. 

That is why you dont mix exes into your life. It just creates a mess and somebody new usually wont be very keen on that and would most likely view it as a "red flag".

As far as what to do, its over now, sorry. Guy already made decision and dont think you can change that. take it as a lesson and know better for next time if you end up in similar situation.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, chimmychu said:

Thank you, quick question. Why do you feel like I  should also block my current boyfriend( now ex)?

He talks to the other ex. Clearly they have no discretion. And because he dumped you over hearsay .

[JoyfulCompany]

Just now, Kwothe28 said:

Again, if you were him, what would you think?

Could've asked before drawing conclusions. It's called trust. 

[Kwothe28]

1 minute ago, JoyfulCompany said:

Could've asked before drawing conclusions. It's called trust. 

Sure. But again, she hid the whole meeting from him and he found out from somebody else. Which is also very suspicious. So, again, what was he suppose to think?

You seem to think that she is absolved of any guilt because she didnt do anything wrong. In a reality, she did secretly meet up with her ex. Thus making it very hard to explain that to anyone. 

Or, how do I explain this so you could undertand, switch genders. And see if you would believe if your boyfriend had a secret meeting with his ex. At his home. While not telling you about it. And see if you would be that trustful.

[chimmychu]

5 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Sure. But again, she hid the whole meeting from him and he found out from somebody else. Which is also very suspicious. So, again, what was he suppose to think?

You seem to think that she is absolved of any guilt because she didnt do anything wrong. In a reality, she did secretly meet up with her ex. Thus making it very hard to explain that to anyone. 

Or, how do I explain this so you could undertand, switch genders. And see if you would believe if your boyfriend had a secret meeting with his ex. At his home. While not telling you about it. And see if you would be that trustful.

This just happened and I did plan on telling him, I was trying to figure out how, but someone beat me to it. I am not at all making excuses for what I did, it was wrong I should've told him before that happened. I understand it's over, thanks for the advice 

[JoyfulCompany]

1 minute ago, Kwothe28 said:

she hid the whole meeting

44 minutes ago, chimmychu said:

before i got a chance to do this

She didn't hide it. It's just that the previous ex was very quick to spread the news.
And "at her home" is actually better than her making an effort to go out somewhere and talk to him.

I understand it perfectly, no need to switch genders. Also, we can't really switch genders. I can't abandon a boyfriend pregnant with my child. Do you understand what kind of trauma that is? Not many women would want reconciliation after something like that, so that wouldn't be my first thought.

In the end I would still want to talk about it first, if I was serious about the person I'm with and I didn't have trust issues.

[chimmychu]

2 minutes ago, JoyfulCompany said:

She didn't hide it. It's just that the previous ex was very quick to spread the news.
And "at her home" is actually better than her making an effort to go out somewhere and talk to him.

I understand it perfectly, no need to switch genders. Also, we can't really switch genders. I can't abandon a boyfriend pregnant with my child. Do you understand what kind of trauma that is? Not many women would want reconciliation after something like that, so that wouldn't be my first thought.

In the end I would still want to talk about it first, if I was serious about the person I'm with and I didn't have trust issues.

Thank you so much, I  would never give that man another chance because he kicked me while i was down. I have been angry and at some point suicidal because of this situation. I should've told him before it happened, but i guess that's the mistake i made. 

[bluecastle]

2 minutes ago, chimmychu said:

I should've told him before it happened, but i guess that's the mistake i made.

In the annals of mistakes, this is pretty small, to the point where I don't even think the word "mistake" applies. Please, please step back from beating yourself up over it, as that's just taking on someone else's baggage (this recent ex) and making it your own. 

That he jumped to catastrophizing this and assuming the worst about you is very telling, and very concerning. That is his lens, who he is, and really has nothing to do with you or the (understandably human) choice you made.

I know this moment hurts, but I really think you dodged a bullet and hope you can come to see that. 

 

[Kwothe28]

2 minutes ago, JoyfulCompany said:

She didn't hide it. It's just that the previous ex was very quick to spread the news.

Yes she did. She didnt told him about the meeting. Just because her ex was sleezy and spread the news doesnt mean she is in the right for hiding it in the first place or not telling right away. 

4 minutes ago, JoyfulCompany said:

And "at her home" is actually better than her making an effort to go out somewhere and talk to him.

Actually, its way worst. Meeting at public place means they are at public place. Meeting in private? That suggests secrecy and intimate talks. 

7 minutes ago, JoyfulCompany said:

I understand it perfectly, no need to switch genders. Also, we can't really switch genders. I can't abandon a boyfriend pregnant with my child. Do you understand what kind of trauma that is? Not many women would want reconciliation after something like that, so that wouldn't be my first thought.

Ah yes, the famous double standard or "You cant switch it because she is a woman". Again, I doubt you(or half of Forum for that matter) would look at the other way. While your other half meets in private. With their ex. While you were in the dark about it. So you need to make an excuse about trauma I guess? Imagine that your boyfriends ex had a baby with him which they lost. Again, if this is about the trust you are making a very bad case for her. Just because she is a woman? Again, gender really doesnt matter here. But hey, make it about it anyway.

12 minutes ago, JoyfulCompany said:

In the end I would still want to talk about it first, if I was serious about the person I'm with and I didn't have trust issues.

But again, my question is pretty simple

Would you trust somebody that meets in private with his ex? While hiding it from you? Your lack of giving a straight answer suggest you wouldnt. As any normal person you would be suspicious. About cheating. About reconciliation. About secrecy. But now you defend it because gender I guess lol.

[JoyfulCompany]

chimmychu, maybe you need some time off from dating to process the last several months. I'm so sorry about everything that has happened. You could also think about therapy to heal from this episode with the previous ex and the miscarriage. You've been very brief in the description of both exes so I'm not sure if you've missed any red flags or not. If you think you might have, it's another reason to look into therapy.

I would say it was perhaps too soon to get with your most recent ex but sometimes we meet certain people and we hope for the best, so I wouldn't blame you for giving it a chance.

Anyway, you really dodged a bullet early on. It's actually a good thing in the grand scheme of things. Now take good care of yourself and forget about both of them. Good luck.

 

[JoyfulCompany]

Kwothe28, you're making a lot of assumptions, "lol".
I had a boyfriend who would meet one on one with his "love of his life so far" ex. She was single. Then they worked together in the same team for a couple of years and would go to parties with their coworkers, alcohol involved. I got invited only once or twice, I think. Was it the most comfortable situation for me? No. But we talked about it. We didn't break up because of it.

10 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

So you need to make an excuse about trauma I guess?

Seriously?

[chimmychu]

My current boyfriend who broke up with me told me to reach out to him once I get my closure. I did apologize and told him that I understand his feelings towards me right now, the last thing he said to me before he hung up the phone today was to think about what I can do to regain his trust. to be honest i am not sure if I should just call him in a few days to talk about this or just send him an apology text and just let him be. Although i did wrong i did not think just breaking up with me like that was the answer. My current ex is an alfa male as he would like to say and he also has a huge ego and  i am not sure how i can resolve this 

[Kwothe28]

9 minutes ago, JoyfulCompany said:

I had a boyfriend who would meet one on one with his "love of his life so far" ex. She was single. Then they worked together in the same team for a couple of years and would go to parties with their coworkers, alcohol involved. I got invited only once or twice, I think. Was it the most comfortable situation for me? No. But we talked about it. We didn't break up because of it.

19 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Just because you accept suspicious and bad behavior doesnt mean everyone should. Again, to most people, hanging out with their ex in such manners is a red flag. Even if nothing is going on. Trust is a nice thing to have. Unfortunately, some stuff detoriate that trust. Like secretly meeting with your ex. In private. Except if you are very trusty, you would have a hard time swallowing nothing was going on there. But hey, lets blame the guy for not blindly trusting and not be more accepting. Even though you admit that you raised an eyebrow also to your ex behavior. Just didnt react to it by breaking up.

19 minutes ago, chimmychu said:

to be honest i am not sure if I should just call him in a few days to talk about this or just send him an apology text and just let him be.

Just let it be. Once trust is gone its hard to come back from that. Doubt he would accept anything if he is like that.

[JoyfulCompany]

10 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Just because you accept suspicious and bad behavior doesnt mean everyone should.

Nope. Curiosity before judgment. That's what I'm trying to achieve. I'm not completely there yet but I do think think mine and other people's relationships would greatly benefit from the same.

Do you have more insights about my character or are you ready to agree to disagree on the main topic? You justify jumping to conclusions and acting on it in the given situation. I don't. It's that simple.
 

42 minutes ago, chimmychu said:

My current ex is an alfa male as he would like to say and he also has a huge ego

In my book an alpha person is someone with good self-confidence, which excludes a huge (and easily bruised) ego. I don't like how he punished you for a misunderstanding and a hearsay and now you're the one who needs to prove herself. I get some controlling vibes. You already apologized, so I don't see a reason to contact him again.

[Kwothe28]

37 minutes ago, JoyfulCompany said:

Do you have more insights about my character or are you ready to agree to disagree on the main topic? You justify jumping to conclusions and acting on it in the given situation. I don't. It's that simple.

Nope. I argue about people being opened. So they wouldnt get into this kind of situations. Its you who seems to think there was nothing suspicious with this kind of behavior. While from his perspective, he has every reason to believe it was. Because, again, from his and every normal person perspective, this is something you should raise your eyebrow about. Again, not everyone is ready to accept suspicious behavior like you did and they would react. Its that simple lol

[HeartGoesOn]

I don't believe this has been asked yet, but why did you remain in contact with your ex?

Maybe it's time to take a break and recover from your prior relationship   

 

[HeartGoesOn]

Mod note:  Please remain on topic.

[chimmychu]

11 minutes ago, HeartGoesOn said:

I don't believe this has been asked yet, but why did you remain in contact with your ex?

Maybe it's time to take a break and recover from your prior relationship   

 

The last time I spoke to him was in March until he reached out last week. I was holding a lot of hate in my heart for him and it bothered me. I thought maybe just talking to him would help me let it go. 

[Lambert]

13 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

and every normal person perspective

It's one thing to offer a perspective but to claim it's the "every normal person perspective" is a bit of a stretch. 

OP,

I agree with the comments that said neither of these guys are probably winners.  

I have had partners communicate with an ex and I didn't freak out and dump them. 

Maybe you and this last guy just aren't compatible. Maybe because of his past or perspective on things, what you did is way out of his comfort zone.

The fact that you guys couldn't talk it through, should be the deal breaker for you. 

Misunderstandings do happen and a person looking for an out will take it. 

You just have to accept it as is.  It's only been a few months. You've been through a trauma losing your baby. I'm so sorry.❤️❤️❤️  And seeing that the father was not who you thought he was another trauma.  

Maybe take a break from guys for a while. Love yourself and focus on you for a while. 

[chimmychu]

2 hours ago, JoyfulCompany said:

Nope. Curiosity before judgment. That's what I'm trying to achieve. I'm not completely there yet but I do think think mine and other people's relationships would greatly benefit from the same.

Do you have more insights about my character or are you ready to agree to disagree on the main topic? You justify jumping to conclusions and acting on it in the given situation. I don't. It's that simple.
 

In my book an alpha person is someone with good self-confidence, which excludes a huge (and easily bruised) ego. I don't like how he punished you for a misunderstanding and a hearsay and now you're the one who needs to prove herself. I get some controlling vibes. You already apologized, so I don't see a reason to contact him again.

thank you for your sound advice through this. I am sad, but i'll backoff