What are the odds that this guy is interested in me?

[Mystic]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. If you are spending all this time wondering about his every gesture, word, look, stance, etc., how are you able to do your job? Why can't you find a BF outside of work?

Certainly nothing is happening here. Not even a coffee break or lunch. Helpful coworkers are not "flirting".

There's plenty of men in the big wide world who don't work there, so pondering his perceived interest 24/7 is preventing you from dating men who are in fact single and interested.

You just exited a bad relationship, so take some time to regroup:

 

Overdramatic, but whatever. I do my job perfectly fine. We work in separate areas and it wouldn't impact my job anyhow. I am much more mature than that. We both work JUST fine. He stares at me when he goes by my area. I return the stare if I catch it or I throw a glance his way if I see him go by. We are allowed to talk at work as long as we are still working. That is what we do. I know the rules of the company - I work there. I wouldn't do anything to put our jobs at risk.

I am well aware there are other men in the world. Why are you SO against meeting someone at work? It has ended successfully MANY times for MANY people. Yes, it has also failed. But that's the case with ANY relationship, regardless of how you met each other.

Why try to stop me from seeing about this guy? Why pressure and push me away and force me to try to find someone else? I'd rather see how this goes first. Why? Because I've taken interest in this guy. How is that wrong?

I didn't "just" get out of a long-term relationship either. That relationship ended at the end of December 2021. Literally 7 months ago. It is FAR from "new". I am very much so ready to find someone else and I'm happy to accept this guy's advances and see where it goes (if anywhere).

 

[Mystic]

19 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I was a summer intern at a large company many years ago.  A guy also in his 20s -an intern -flirted outrageously with me for weeks.  I asked him to lunch and we went to get pizza.  The first thing he spoke of -after looking around awkwardly -was his girlfriend.  Don't assume.

I get that. It does happen sometimes. Some guys are jerks and still feel that it's acceptable to flirt when they're taken. I don't go for that. It is extremely disrespectful. 

I think he is very likely single, but yes I do plan to find out for sure. That guy should have never flirted with you and definitely shouldn't have agreed to get lunch. He was a JERK and I hope his gf found out his true character and LEFT for someone better. Such a shame.

[Mystic]

3 minutes ago, Mystic said:

Overdramatic, but whatever. I do my job perfectly fine. We work in separate areas and it wouldn't impact my job anyhow. I am much more mature than that. We both work JUST fine. He stares at me when he goes by my area. I return the stare if I catch it or I throw a glance his way if I see him go by. We are allowed to talk at work as long as we are still working. That is what we do. I know the rules of the company - I work there. I wouldn't do anything to put our jobs at risk.

I am well aware there are other men in the world. Why are you SO against meeting someone at work? It has ended successfully MANY times for MANY people. Yes, it has also failed. But that's the case with ANY relationship, regardless of how you met each other.

Why try to stop me from seeing about this guy? Why pressure and push me away and force me to try to find someone else? I'd rather see how this goes first. Why? Because I've taken interest in this guy. How is that wrong?

I didn't "just" get out of a long-term relationship either. That relationship ended at the end of December 2021. Literally 7 months ago. It is FAR from "new". I am very much so ready to find someone else and I'm happy to accept this guy's advances and see where it goes (if anywhere).

 

Also, I am well aware there is a difference between helping and using that as an excuse to flirt. His methods seen to point to he's doing it just to be around me. I've compared his behavior with how others act. There is a difference.

No, there hasn't been a date yet. And? There's a time limit now? I don't think so. Some people prefer to build up to that. You don't typically just start talking to someone and INSTANTLY ask them out. Some do, most don't. We've just started talking a few weeks ago. Almost a month. So no. It isn't like it's entirely meaningless and nothing will ever happen just because we haven't had a date or something yet. I plan to see where it goes.

Btw - what exactly was the point of linking my question about my ex? That was posted right after we separated. I am well aware of what went on and how I felt then. Did you need to remind me as if I didn't remember? People grow and change. I'm a lot better now thankfully. The repost of that question was 100% unnecessary and it was irrelevant to this post.

[Mystic]

14 hours ago, Jaunty said:

I don't really understand all of this minute dissection of glances, words exchanged, facial expressions etc.  

He might be madly in love with you but if neither of you is going to do anything, what does it amount to?

Since this has been going on for around 2 weeks, it's time to just ask him if he'd like to meet for coffee or whatever seems most comfortable to you.  If you don't want to do this, analyzing his behavior is a waste of time.  Just get on with your normal life and social activities.  Maybe he'll get his nerve up some day.  

 

 

Great input, thank you. It is very true that SOMEONE needs to actually come out and make a move. Otherwise, you both just end up liking each other from affar in silence. I will find out more and see what happens.

[Mystic]

6 hours ago, Jamie425 said:

You can come right out and ask him if he has a girlfriend. I just thought you were just too shy. The premise that, "If a man is interested, he will make it happen." But not all men are the same. (Example: the beautiful boy from high school and he's not the only one: just the only one I REALLY wish had asked).

You're right. He is too friendly for someone with a girlfriend he hasn't mentioned. So, and I think I've already said this) If he has a girlfriend, it's no big loss.

How does he act around the other women in the office? Just as cordial and helpful? If so, how does he get any work done?

Again, very helpful - thanks!

I definitely plan to find out more.

No, he does not act this way with other girls. In fact, he is kind of friends with another girl here but it's different. She has also started being very nice to me. I hadn't even known her name until recently. She worked in my area and was really friendly and polite to me. She smiled at me often as well. When this guy talked to me yesterday, he mentioned this girl by name... but just said her name. There was no "my friend _____" or "my girlfriend ______". It was a casual mention because someone she knows is going to help with him with something. He said he had told her that person would have to help him with this. So, yeah. It was a casual mention. I have seen them interact a little, but it wasn't much at all. He was giving off friendly vibes towards her. You got the impression they were friendly, but that's it. When we were all in the same area, he was casually talking to her... but he kept stealing glances my way and his body was turned towards me.

Other than that, I don't see him talk to many girls our age range. The other ladies he talks to are the sames ones I like and talk to - older ladies (probably 50s-60s) who are really nice to everyone up there (we all really love this group of ladies - they are so, so sweet).

[Fincher2021]

It sounds like he likes you and is just a little shy but also wants to maybe get to know you a little better in the office before asking you out.  

[Mystic]

1 hour ago, Fincher2021 said:

It sounds like he likes you and is just a little shy but also wants to maybe get to know you a little better in the office before asking you out.  

Actually a really good theory and makes sense. I'd like the same - get to know one another as we are, upgrade to texting, hang out outside work (not even necessarily as an "official" date straight away), then see what happens from there.

[Jaunty]

Ok.  He probably finds you attractive.  

It's just ... people find others in their workplace attractive ALL THE  TIME.  Checker at the grocery store, mail delivery person, a regular customer - millions of sparks that never come to anything.

If he has a girlfriend he probably won't ever ask you out.  If he doesn't have a girlfriend, he also might not ever ask you out.  The result is the same - nothing is happening with this fellow in real time.  Not to say he will never ask you out, but I don't think that looking for more clues is going to benefit you in any way..  

I think this is hard for me, as a guy, to even take seriously.  Most of us know that if we are interested, we need to bite the bullet and ask.  No waiting for the exactly correct numbers of seconds per eye contact, to protect our feelings 100% in case the object of our crush turns us down.  We just need to go for it, or not.   He isn't.   Who knows why.  Best of luck with this though.  

[Batya33]

A friend of mine in her 50s like me was smitten with a guy she did a volunteer activity with -they also worked together at least weekly at this activity.They were in their 30s.  Wow did he give all the signs -flirting, they became personal friends, hung out together in small groups to socialize etc.  He never asked her out.  She went on some dates with others but was so focused on him and constantly reading signs.

About three years in they spent a day together outdoors - not a date -and he told her all that time he'd been secretly dating another woman in their group and that the woman and him had broken up recently. She was friends with this woman, too.  Didn't know.  Did he ask her out then or anything like that? Nope.  By the way she was very very attractive - objectively way close to a ten. He was very handsome. 

Lovely person who wasted years on this guy (I met him a couple of times and found him handsome and arrogant).  Of course she was really upset and couldn't really be mad at him (although she told me how at a group trip  he put his legs on her lap and I couldn't help it -I told her how I thought he was leading her on (this is before the Girlfriend Revelation) - she was upset with me. She I think loved worshipping him from afar and reading signs.

She never married or was serious with anyone after that -she's in her 50s and not that attractive anymore.  Not because of age.  Because she gained a lot of weight (I don't know why, it's just a fact and the weight does not look attractive on her).  She's still a lovely person.  I have no idea if she decided against trying to meet someone after that -we drifted apart.  Please don't waste much time on someone like the guy in your situation.  

[mylolita]

I think most of us are cheering from the bleachers here for you to - ASK HIM IF HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND! Or just, ask him out!

 

He can only say; yes I do. And no thank you. And you can either start something potentially amazing or, brush him off and move onto the next big fish to fry! 

 

Most people, when in a good relationship, tend to mention their boyfriend or girlfriend or husband or wife a lot; and make it very known, whether this is on purpose or not who knows but, they are just chuffed and smitten and their partner is a huge part of their life so they come up often. 

 

If he does have a girlfriend, it would be strange that there has been no mention at all of her.

 

x
 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

On 7/28/2022 at 8:26 PM, Mystic said:

upgrade to texting.

This won't happen unless you exchange social media, which may be appropriate between coworkers. Perhaps you can glean from that whether he has a Gf. If he won't exchange social media you'll know he doesn't want anything outside of work.

Since he is not asking you to go for coffee break/lunch breaks, you'll have to reach out, if you think he's "shy". If he states he's busy, you'll also know that he is uninterested/unavailable. 

 It's unclear why you're not dating outside of work. It sounds like you're not available because of recent bad experiences with dating/BFs. And therefore prefer an imaginary "relationship" based on glances and other assorted "signs", so you won't get hurt/take risks.

[Mystic]

17 hours ago, mylolita said:

I think most of us are cheering from the bleachers here for you to - ASK HIM IF HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND! Or just, ask him out!

 

He can only say; yes I do. And no thank you. And you can either start something potentially amazing or, brush him off and move onto the next big fish to fry! 

 

Most people, when in a good relationship, tend to mention their boyfriend or girlfriend or husband or wife a lot; and make it very known, whether this is on purpose or not who knows but, they are just chuffed and smitten and their partner is a huge part of their life so they come up often. 

 

If he does have a girlfriend, it would be strange that there has been no mention at all of her.

 

x
 

 

 

Thank you. I agree and am going to casually ask about a girlfriend. I do agree if he does have one, he was pretty wrong for not mentioning her. Anytime I am taken, I make it clear, especially when meeting new people (majorly true when they are also the opposite gender). I make it clear I am taken by saying "my boyfriend and I _____", or similar. I don't ever hint that I could be single when I'm not and I certainly don't flirt.

[Mystic]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

This won't happen unless you exchange social media, which may be appropriate between coworkers. Perhaps you can glean from that whether he has a Gf. If he won't exchange social media you'll know he doesn't want anything outside of work.

Since he is not asking you to go for coffee break/lunch breaks, you'll have to reach out, if you think he's "shy". If he states he's busy, you'll also know that he is uninterested/unavailable. 

 It's unclear why you're not dating outside of work. It sounds like you're not available because of recent bad experiences with dating/BFs. And therefore prefer an imaginary "relationship" based on glances and other assorted "signs", so you won't get hurt/take risks.

Lol not at all. I have tried finding some people outside of work and it hasn't went well. I've viewed them as not ideal matches for serveral reason (ex. One guy ghosted me because he drunk texted me and I did not find it "cute" like he did - I am not a drinker and he knows that and had tried to get me to go to the party with him as well). I have looked, I have tested, but nothing has ever went anywhere for sure. I figured why not try this guy at work if he's available and interested?

I don't drink coffee really. Never have found one I like. I love the smell, but haven't found one I really enjoy the taste of. With drinking, I've never even tried alcohol and never plan to start. So for outings, I'd have to suggest meeting at a local fair/festival (since that is in season now), asking to grab dinner, etc. 

I do plan on casually asking about his status and see what happens. Then I will proceed accordingly. Either drop it and just be work-friendly with him only or try to pursue more.

[Mystic]

On 7/29/2022 at 6:46 AM, Batya33 said:

A friend of mine in her 50s like me was smitten with a guy she did a volunteer activity with -they also worked together at least weekly at this activity.They were in their 30s.  Wow did he give all the signs -flirting, they became personal friends, hung out together in small groups to socialize etc.  He never asked her out.  She went on some dates with others but was so focused on him and constantly reading signs.

About three years in they spent a day together outdoors - not a date -and he told her all that time he'd been secretly dating another woman in their group and that the woman and him had broken up recently. She was friends with this woman, too.  Didn't know.  Did he ask her out then or anything like that? Nope.  By the way she was very very attractive - objectively way close to a ten. He was very handsome. 

Lovely person who wasted years on this guy (I met him a couple of times and found him handsome and arrogant).  Of course she was really upset and couldn't really be mad at him (although she told me how at a group trip  he put his legs on her lap and I couldn't help it -I told her how I thought he was leading her on (this is before the Girlfriend Revelation) - she was upset with me. She I think loved worshipping him from afar and reading signs.

She never married or was serious with anyone after that -she's in her 50s and not that attractive anymore.  Not because of age.  Because she gained a lot of weight (I don't know why, it's just a fact and the weight does not look attractive on her).  She's still a lovely person.  I have no idea if she decided against trying to meet someone after that -we drifted apart.  Please don't waste much time on someone like the guy in your situation.  

Thank you for sharing this story. A "secret girlfriend" is always a scary thought. So many guys think it's acceptable to do this - flirt with other girls or even DATE other girls all while having an actual girlfriend. It's really a shame. These are not good guys. If they do that to HER, what will they do to YOU? Not good at all. Hopefully this guy is not that type and is single. Otherwise, wow. Shame on him for flirting like this.

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Mystic said:

I don't drink coffee really. I've never even tried alcohol 

I do plan on casually asking about his status and see what happens. 

You don't have to like coffee or drink alcohol, that is beside the point. "coffee break" is not literal. You seem to want to perpetuate the fantasy that your crush on him is reciprocal but you're not really doing anything to  connect other than glances and polite office chitchat.

Even if he doesn't have a GF it's doesn't mean he's interested. Your assumption is he's too shy or taken, but the more obvious reasons are he's not interested or doesn't date coworkers.

You seem to want to chronical/journal your crush to keep the fantasy alive.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Mystic said:

Thank you. I agree and am going to casually ask about a girlfriend. I do agree if he does have one, he was pretty wrong for not mentioning her. Anytime I am taken, I make it clear, especially when meeting new people (majorly true when they are also the opposite gender). I make it clear I am taken by saying "my boyfriend and I _____", or similar. I don't ever hint that I could be single when I'm not and I certainly don't flirt.

But it's different because you two work together so his personal life is none of your business and you shouldn't ask directly IMO.  He may think he's just being friendly to a coworker and has no need to talk about his home life.  When I first met my husband at work he was new at the company and I'd been there 6 weeks.  We were invited to a welcome breakfast for the newcomers.  I crossed the conference room to meet him as I knew he knew no one and also we'd grown up in the same town turned out.  We spoke for about 10-15 minutes that time.  Lots of topics.   Never occurred to me to tell him I had a boyfriend at the time and never occurred to me to ask if he was single.  When he asked me to lunch I didn't know if it was a date (this was 8 months later and we'd had a few more conversations at company events).  So I didn't mention I was dating someone (not exclusively).  None of his business.  Nor did he ask.

[Rose Mosse]

 

On 7/28/2022 at 10:57 AM, Mystic said:

Again, very helpful - thanks!

I definitely plan to find out more.

No, he does not act this way with other girls. In fact, he is kind of friends with another girl here but it's different. She has also started being very nice to me. I hadn't even known her name until recently. She worked in my area and was really friendly and polite to me. She smiled at me often as well. When this guy talked to me yesterday, he mentioned this girl by name... but just said her name. There was no "my friend _____" or "my girlfriend ______". It was a casual mention because someone she knows is going to help with him with something. He said he had told her that person would have to help him with this. So, yeah. It was a casual mention. I have seen them interact a little, but it wasn't much at all. He was giving off friendly vibes towards her. You got the impression they were friendly, but that's it. When we were all in the same area, he was casually talking to her... but he kept stealing glances my way and his body was turned towards me.

Other than that, I don't see him talk to many girls our age range. The other ladies he talks to are the sames ones I like and talk to - older ladies (probably 50s-60s) who are really nice to everyone up there (we all really love this group of ladies - they are so, so sweet).

Whatever you choose to do, know that word gets around and he’s friendly with others in the workplace. I’ve no doubt that he knows you’re interested if he catches you staring or looking at him or are interested in your conversations. 

[Mystic]

8 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

 

Whatever you choose to do, know that word gets around and he’s friendly with others in the workplace. I’ve no doubt that he knows you’re interested if he catches you staring or looking at him or are interested in your conversations. 

I think it is probably known we like each other... especially since we do have mutual friends up there. I will continue to proceed with caution, but also with an open mind. Thank you!

[Mystic]

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You don't have to like coffee or drink alcohol, that is beside the point. "coffee break" is not literal. You seem to want to perpetuate the fantasy that your crush on him is reciprocal but you're not really doing anything to  connect other than glances and polite office chitchat.

Even if he doesn't have a GF it's doesn't mean he's interested. Your assumption is he's too shy or taken, but the more obvious reasons are he's not interested or doesn't date coworkers.

You seem to want to chronical/journal your crush to keep the fantasy alive.

Yeah... clearly I am sooo into fantasies and I definitely "journal it". I'm thinking about publishing it. Think it'll be a success?

Sarcasm aside, no one knows whether he really is interested or not obviously. The only way to know is to ask. I was asking for opinions on here and I've gotten some really helpful insight and some great suggestions. I am well aware that not every man is interested. They can be single and not looking for a relationship at all at the moment. They can simply not be interested in you. It's all good. We like who we like. But this guy does give off vibes that he is interested based on the differences in his behavior towards me. Everyone else agrees with that on here. I appreciate your difference in opinion though.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Mystic said:

Everyone else agrees with that on here. I appreciate your difference in opinion though.

 No one agrees with anything. 

The  advice you've gotten is everything from appropriately trying to get lunch or a break or something together, connecting on social media to pretending you want to buy him and "his GF" gifts or lure him to your house pretending you need a handyman.

So far you have done nothing about it from the subtle and sensible to the outrageous. It's still glances and stances.

That may be a good thing because he seems sensible enough to simply be pleasant without using the workplace as a singles club and most likely is wisely dating outside of work.

 

 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Mystic said:

The only way to know is to ask.

I think it's rare to have to ask although slightly more common in work situations where the person genuinely might want to ask you out but be concerned about the work situation.  The vast majority of the time with rare exception a man who is interested in dating a woman -as opposed to simply interested in flirting, hanging around her, getting an ego boost from seeing her attraction - will ask that woman on a date he plans in advance even if he is really really shy.