Note to Self

[reinventmyself]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I am so sorry too. My sister is 5 years older and we’re very close and she got married young and all- had 4 kids - but she didn’t pull the mother card to that extent at all. I can’t stand that and I’m sorry your sister is doing this.  I’m glad others gave such good advice and input. Unfortunately I have three female friends whose siblings behaved like jerks when it came to taking care of aging parents. Awful. I hope posting helped. 

It just goes to show, you aren't alone.  Sadly this is more common than not.

[Lambert]

thank you @Batya33

Yes. Your post is helpful.  It's just nice to know that I'm not completely out of line with these feelings. Because she doesn't see anything wrong with her actions and words.  To even try to just have a honest conversation leads to martyrish comments like "i try to be a good wife, mother, daughter, sister everyday.  I'm sorry if i don't meet you standards."

ugh. 

And my parents wanting us to get along, act like oh, she doesn't mean it! But even they are having a hard time saying this with any weight behind it. 

thanks and I love that you enjoy a nice relationship with yours.  A blessing for sure. 

[Cherylyn]

I would have a meeting with your attorney (Zoom, in person or however way possible).  Then have another meeting with your attorney after your parents pass away.  Follow the will or trust.  Even though your sister gets her share, you don't have any control over what she does with her share of the inheritance.  Even though you despise her husband, they'll most likely use the money for their survival expenses since they're far from affluent or financially comfortable. 

Yes, you are correct.  Accept your sister the way she is because she'll never change for you or be the type of sister you wish for.  (I'm currently in a similar situation as yours.)  I feel for you.   This applies to anyone in life.  Either accept them as is or in your mind, truly go your separate ways permanently.  Some people are beyond hopeless.  It's better to go your own way in your life without them in it.  Write her off.

Give her the courtesy by giving her periodic updates regarding your parents but don't over do it.  Don't expect a close sister type exchange during your correspondence or dialogue.  Don't be friendly and nice.  Remain polite, respectful and well mannered always or how you would treat a business colleague.  In your heart, remain standoffish and cool.  Always treat others the way they treat you otherwise your expectations are too high and unrealistic.  Always follow their cue.  If they lack enthusiasm regarding having a sound relationship with you, you're the one who has to return the favor by being apathetic and indifferent towards them.  Be good and kind to yourself.  Never set yourself up for endless disappointment.  Don't make yourself vulnerable to pain and endless disappointment.  Don't invest in the relationship anymore.  Turn off your emotions because emotions cloud your judgment.  Become cold.  I know it sounds like strange advice but sometimes when you become piercingly cold towards people, you act wiser and more shrewdly.  You learn how to navigate yourself and play it smart.  Don't get hurt, be smart.  It is very empowering.  You'll feel stronger and tougher than you ever thought you could be.  It works.  You're the one who has to change. 

[Lambert]

5 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

I would have a meeting with your attorney (Zoom, in person or however way possible).  Then have another meeting with your attorney after your parents pass away.  Follow the will or trust.  Even though your sister gets her share, you don't have any control over what she does with her share of the inheritance.  Even though you despise her husband, they'll most likely use the money for their survival expenses since they're far from affluent or financially comfortable. 

Yes, you are correct.  Accept your sister the way she is because she'll never change for you or be the type of sister you wish for.  (I'm currently in a similar situation as yours.)  I feel for you.   This applies to anyone in life.  Either accept them as is or in your mind, truly go your separate ways permanently.  Some people are beyond hopeless.  It's better to go your own way in your life without them in it.  Write her off.

Give her the courtesy by giving her periodic updates regarding your parents but don't over do it.  Don't expect a close sister type exchange during your correspondence or dialogue.  Don't be friendly and nice.  Remain polite, respectful and well mannered always or how you would treat a business colleague.  In your heart, remain standoffish and cool.  Always treat others the way they treat you otherwise your expectations are too high and unrealistic.  Always follow their cue.  If they lack enthusiasm regarding having a sound relationship with you, you're the one who has to return the favor by being apathetic and indifferent towards them.  Be good and kind to yourself.  Never set yourself up for endless disappointment.  Don't make yourself vulnerable to pain and endless disappointment.  Don't invest in the relationship anymore.  Turn off your emotions because emotions cloud your judgment.  Become cold.  I know it sounds like strange advice but sometimes when you become piercingly cold towards people, you act wiser and more shrewdly.  You learn how to navigate yourself and play it smart.  Don't get hurt, be smart.  It is very empowering.  You'll feel stronger and tougher than you ever thought you could be.  It works.  You're the one who has to change. 

@Cherylyn hi. Thank you for this advice.  I appreciate it. I'm sorry your in a similar situation. But I think n your approach is spot on.  

thanks again.

[maritalbliss86]

On 7/11/2022 at 6:29 PM, Lambert said:

It still hurts my feelings that her go to response to me, is that she is a mother and I don't understand.  But I think this is a cruel thing to say to someone without children, especially your own sister. 

Wow, so much there... but this comment and her acting this way - there isn't an excuse for it. 

She's an awful human being and I know it sucks to hear it, but accepting it for what she is, you feel so much peace after just letting yourself judge someone as they are.

[maritalbliss86]

Someone probably already said this but... you may want to just let her go.  Have your parents deal with contacting her (the healthy parent at least), and just kind of step out of it with her altogether.  

She may have valid reasons for keeping away for so long, maybe there's a chance she experienced something that she hasn't told you about... because of the age difference between you and all that... maybe there's a dark secret in there somewhere that she's unable to forgive your parents about, who knows?   But it doesn't really sound like that is the case.  She's probably just extremely narcissistic and Does. Not. Care. About. Your (Her). Parents.

Accepting it, coming to peace with it, and letting her kind of drop off the face of the earth as much as you can... that is letting go and will be healing for you I think.

[maritalbliss86]

On 7/15/2022 at 12:22 PM, Cherylyn said:

Always follow their cue.  If they lack enthusiasm regarding having a sound relationship with you, you're the one who has to return the favor by being apathetic and indifferent towards them. 

This is so very true.  I wish I had known this earlier, but yes... following a person's cue, even if they're supposed to be a close relative, really helps.

[Lambert]

@maritalbliss86

Thank you. 

Yes. I agree.

I have decided to just let it / her be and it has been a good choice so far. 

She very well may have her reasons and I've decided to accept them, eventhough I don't know what they are. 

As much as it used to bother me that I wouldn't have a relationship with her when our parents are gone.  I realize I never had one.  So let's just go with that.  

Thank you for understanding how harsh her words were to me.  That is a comfort. I always felt like she always treated me like I was expecting so much from her. It's empowering to decide: 'no thanks. I don't expect anything from you. ever. '

[maritalbliss86]

1 hour ago, Lambert said:

@maritalbliss86

Thank you. 

Yes. I agree.

I have decided to just let it / her be and it has been a good choice so far. 

She very well may have her reasons and I've decided to accept them, eventhough I don't know what they are. 

As much as it used to bother me that I wouldn't have a relationship with her when our parents are gone.  I realize I never had one.  So let's just go with that.  

Thank you for understanding how harsh her words were to me.  That is a comfort. I always felt like she always treated me like I was expecting so much from her. It's empowering to decide: 'no thanks. I don't expect anything from you. ever. '

I know everyone's life is so different, but the pain of family rejection is a very real thing across the board 😞.  I know my sweet, older mentor told me flat out that I'd have to, "grieve," that loss of my husband's siblings not caring at all about our kids or being in our lives/their lives.  I didn't realize we would both go through our own type of grieving process that seemed to take a few years for me personally (and I'm not even related to them!).  My husband was in your position where he had to acknowledge that they had closed him out even as a child - he never really had a relationship with them and had to watch his siblings have a great bond together, knowing he'd never be allowed to be a part of it.  It was painful then and got even more painful into adulthood for him seeing it affect our kids.

It sounds like you've already grieved the loss, I'm glad you're able to feel empowered and see your life as whole without her ❤️.

[Lambert]

10 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

It sounds like you've already grieved the loss, I'm glad you're able to feel empowered and see your life as whole without her ❤️

Thank you. I've been grieving it for 30 years. So maybe I'm just used to it. 

I was around my parents after her visit and my mom. God love her, she said   "they were here, asked about you and hoped to see you. "

I just smiled and said, "that's so nice."

I really wanted to say, "Well they picked a day, they know I'm not here and didn't tell me they were coming.  So that hope wasn't too high."

but I kept focused on my breath and pretended we were talking about one of her friend's visiting. 

It annoys me that my mom says things to basically gaslight me into believing their actions are not what they are. Like I'm a moron. But I excuse it away, as her being a mom and wanting the situation to be better, too. I used to push back and make my feelings known to her.  Now, I just smile and let her talk until she changes the subject. 

Fortunately, once they leave, with this visit and the last, making it two visits in 1 year, they won't be back for awhile. 

I'm sorry for your hubs and his rotten siblings. It's like why? Why are people so mean? I can imagine that was hard for all of you and the kids. I feel like in my situation, maybe if I had a family, they would have been better to me.  But I get from what your saying, it makes no difference. 

Some people like to feel superior and they do that by making someone else the miserable. 

I often think my sister and her hubs just so wanted me to be a messed up person. To do something to prove to them that I am the problem. 

But I'm not.  I'm a happy, healthy, successful person. I just don't happen to be a wife or a mother. I do everything I can for our parents and I always have. We nursed my grandparents together until they passed. I was there for other health crisis in the past for both parents.  

All of which sister and hubs were not around at all 

Thanks again.  I hope you and your family enjoy each other.  It is sad for the kids, but it's also a life lesson. People will let you down and that's ok.  You will be OK. We come into the world alone, we go out alone. Fortunately, you can still find good, loving people to share your time with.  Those are the people that matter.

[reinventmyself]

My brother and I have never been close.  During my mom's final week's her only wish is we would become closer.  She spoke to each of us privately several times.  

My brother and I spent a considerable amount of time together during this time and shortly after, having to go through Mom's house and prepare it to sell after her passing.  We made concerted efforts to keep in touch and get together for the first year, partly by necessity and the other half, honoring Mom's wishes.

Here we are over 3 yrs later and we've slipped into our old patterns.  We rarely speak and only see each other at Christmas.  It just goes to show we are pretty entrenched into our dynamics, coupled with our personalities.  Zero hard feelings.  It's just about acceptance.

[Lambert]

8 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

Here we are over 3 yrs later and we've slipped into our old patterns.  We rarely speak and only see each other at Christmas.  It just goes to show we are pretty entrenched into our dynamics, coupled with our personalities.  Zero hard feelings.  It's just about acceptance.

I think that's where we're going to end up, too.  It's not worth it to be mad or upset. I am working on being ok with it. 

Thank you for sharing your story.