How do you not cry at work?

[1a1a]

I’m doing a job where I can’t be on my phone or reading a book but it’s not mentally stimulating enough to distract me. 
 

I’ve tried breathing. And I’ve tried chanting ‘I must not fear! Fear is the mind killer, fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has past I will turn the inner eye to see it’s path. Where fear has gone there will be nothing, only I remain’. 
 

These are both helping a bit but more tools would be great I have retreated to the bathrooms to let some tears out, now I must return. 
 

The other day I was practicing mindfulness but it’s hard hard work and I’m not very practiced.

[melancholy123]

What are you afraid of?

[Batya33]

So you're supposed to sit and stare into space if things are not busy at work? You have to be present at your desk -can't go for a walk? No book in your lap or audiobook with headphones I guess? I'd sip water as a distraction.  4-7-8 breathing as you mentioned also good.  It's not about "how do I not cry at work" -because there are many reasons that can happen of course -but about "how do I maintain a professional demeanor at work even if I'm anxious/bored/fearful."  Make sure you're hydrated.  Get up from your desk or even have wrist weights or ankle weights and do subtle exercises (I have to move my legs for example on an airplane for circulatory reasons even though I can't get up every half hour). 

I need a bit more info about why all the restrictions if you're not busy at that moment.  

[Rose Mosse]

I can’t remember when I was really afraid in terms of a relationship fall out. It must have been when I worried whether my (religious) community would accept me after separation/divorce. That was one fear I had, without going into too many personal details or specifics. So what I did was get it straight from them and joined groups and found such acceptance and love that I didn’t know was possible. Was it scary at first? Yes, but that’s how I faced my fear. I didn’t sit wondering and knew I’d have to ask to get answers.

I had some other things I was working on at the time that I couldn’t afford to put on hold and so I carried on despite crying many times throughout the day in private. Uncontrollable tears but I kept going because it’s what had to be done. 

I think the worst part about fear and pain is idleness as it’s those moments when our fears come to greet us at full force. I didn’t have a choice as there were other things I had to complete and I had questions I wanted answered and I got my answers. In terms of what I had left to myself to feel sorry…there wasn’t much. I had to keep going. I don’t know if this resonates with you but that’s how I got through my dark times and some of my fears. It does fade. Don’t be afraid to cry and let it out.

[1a1a]

I’m afraid that we can be good together and the communication break down could have been worked through if we’d only both been willing to do that but it’s ended and he will leave my city and go live somewhere else and the chance to heal the rift will be gone. (I guess this idealised version of him needs to be peeled back because In reality he was not down for that. Im looking for a partner that turns towards me and I spent so long believing he was the one who would). 
 

Not space, I stand and stare at the band on stage and listen to make sure the mix is still balanced. There is brief distraction when I’m first getting the levels right but once they are there it really takes care of itself. I’m muting effects in between songs and giving guitar solos a little volume bump but this is not enough to occupy my mind.

 

There’s two of us techs working tonight and I have a couple of times asked the other one to take over for me so I can sneak some time out. 

[Rose Mosse]

1 hour ago, 1a1a said:

I’m afraid that we can be good together and the communication break down could have been worked through if we’d only both been willing to do that but it’s ended and he will leave my city and go live somewhere else and the chance to heal the rift will be gone. (I guess this idealised version of him needs to be peeled back because In reality he was not down for that. Im looking for a partner that turns towards me and I spent so long believing he was the one who would). 

That’s exactly it. Instead of growing together you both grew apart. He didn’t want to take that chance anymore and instead decided to end the relationship. It is disappointing and hurtful. 

It’s one day at a time… there’s no real smooth sailing through heartache. We all crash through it and feel bruised. 

[reinventmyself]

I'm a crier. I've also learned that it feels cleansing.  At times like this I'd set some tie aside just for that.  Sad songs, anything to provoke those feeling in that window of time.  If I didn't do it this way, it would spill out at inopportune times.

After my mom passed away while I was at work, I'd hold it in all day.  Often times unsuccessful.  But during my drive home, often 90 mins long I'd cry the entire time.  While processing a heartbreak I'd resist the pull to busy myself for a day here and there and just sit home in the middle of the difficult emotions.

There's no shortcut.  I just learned to face them head on.  It seems to work for me

Hang in there. . 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, 1a1a said:

if we’d only both been willing to do that

That's the point.  One of you or both of you was not - so and even if you'd agreed to communicate about the "communication breakdown" the reason you weren't communicating is basic incompatibility.  So I'm not sure communicating about a communication breakdown means anything.  I'm sorry you're feeling sad and fearful.

[mwacuk]

Is there anyone at work you can talk to about this? I mean, you don't need to tell everyone, but would it not help if someone at work had your back and could understand what you're going through? 

[Batya33]

53 minutes ago, mwacuk said:

Is there anyone at work you can talk to about this? I mean, you don't need to tell everyone, but would it not help if someone at work had your back and could understand what you're going through? 

I made that mistake many years ago when I was going to work at a really tough time in my then relationship.  It can be really bad if the job/career includes networking - people getting too into your personal drama can mean they're going to be reluctant to network/refer you to other jobs in the future.  I got to a point where I definitely spoke to certain coworkers too much about my tears/emotions.  Nothing terrible happened but I saw the issues. 

Some places have employee assistance programs but it sounds like the OP is not a full fledged employee of one of those sorts of companies.  The most I would do in that situation is tell HR without giving reasons that you need some time off for health reasons.  And take it and regain composure with the space and time.

[catfeeder]

On 6/2/2022 at 6:13 AM, 1a1a said:

I’ve tried chanting ‘I must not fear! Fear is the mind killer, fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has past I will turn the inner eye to see it’s path. Where fear has gone there will be nothing, only I remain’. 

Sorry to tell you, NOT a good chant. The punch words are negative and the opposite of what you want to accomplish. Your unconscious hears, 'Fear, death, obliteration, nothing...' and sucks up the literal. 

For instance, a smoker won't benefit from, 'quit smoking.' The mind will absorb 'smoking' rather than 'quit or 'stop'. The language must be health affirming, 'I breathe freely,' 'My lungs are clear,' 'I enjoy clean air...'

The language should also be in the present rather than the future. If you say, 'I will be brave...' instead of 'I AM brave...', the goal will always be beyond your reach, and you will continually be striving toward it rather than reaching it.

Consider grabbing a tiny spiral notebook and find affirmations online that contain ONLY aspiring language  in the present. Write your statements one per page, like flash cards. Then, while on the job you can glance at a page whenever you need a prompt.

Using paper is important for 2 reasons: writing activates a specific part of the brain that typing does not, and, there will be no backlight from your phone to distract others.

On 6/2/2022 at 8:21 AM, 1a1a said:

... it’s ended and he will leave my city and go live somewhere else and the chance to heal the rift will be gone.

You're creating a false deadline. That's become your stressor, and it's not even accurate.

Plenty of people have healed rifts across miles. Try relaxing into trust that if it's a 'meant-to-be deal', it will happen in its own time, regardless of geography.

And if not, then it's certainly not worth stressing about.

Quote

(...In reality he was not down for that. Im looking for a partner that turns towards me and I spent so long believing he was the one who would). 

No need to disabuse yourself of that wish. Just tuck it onto a back burner, instead, and let go of control--since you don't own it, anyway.

Trust that if the guy ever grows into someone who wants to turn toward you and offer the kind of relationship you deserve, he will do that. You've freed him to go learn and reflect, so if he ever wants to reconcile, you can trust his sincerity without any influence from you.

Otherwise, you'll always wonder if you manipulated him into doing what he's not clear that he wants, and you'll live with uncertainty about another split. Skip that, and allow this time of autonomous growth for both of you.

If it works out the way you wish, then you'll enjoy the benefits together someday. If not, you'll have already grown toward your own higher ground--where he can either meet you in the future, OR, someone more suitable will recognize you there.

Head high, and turn this into a win/win.

[Wiseman2]

On 6/2/2022 at 8:21 AM, 1a1a said:

There’s two of us techs working tonight and I have a couple of times asked the other one to take over for me so I can sneak some time out. 

Yes, take breaks to compose yourself.