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Feeling Stuck, Not Sure What Extent Relationships are Impacting this Feeling


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So with the first quarter of 2022 in the books and looking back I'm doing a few things very well and a few things poorly. Financially everything is going nicely, budgeting better, picking up some OT and saving up. Got into the gym on a regular basis and have done okay with dieting. I've failed however in other areas; building a new skill and relationships. I've flip-flopped on it a couple times but I've wanted to learn programming and just haven't felt motivated/inspired to put in the work. I've gotten the entry-level stuff down pretty well but as I get into more complex things I find my interest waning, possibly because it's more of a struggle and possibly because...

My relationships suck. I'm in a relationship I'm NOT happy in. I hate causing friction in my relationships but I'm slowly getting to the point where I think I'm going to break up with her. We've seen each other just once in the past month, we haven't made out since I don't know when and we've never had sex, and we've been together 2 YEARS! Every time we hang out, every time we touch, *I* initiate it and I'm so sick of it! I know it will hit my wallet but I've been tempted to go to the strip club. In the past I've gone to the strip club and it's renewed my optimism and drive because (as weird as it sounds) I walk away wanting to improve myself for the strippers, so that maybe one day I can get a woman like that. As a matter of fact, last October I went to the strip club and it's what really pushed me to go get the entry level certificate in programming that I have. 

Even outside of romance, my friendships are lacking. I can't go visit my parents because they have seven cats, KNOWING I'm severely allergic to them. It's so bad, I'll be puffing on the inhaler for DAYS after I leave and I'm just so over it. I have a few work friends but they're all adults, with families, jobs and interests of their own so we rarely if ever hang out. Like here I am on a Saturday night in the middle of a four day weekend completely alone in my apartment, like MOST weekends. It's depressing! I've tried joining Twitch Streams but it's not the same as interacting with a real live person. 

I just wonder if all these relationship issues impact me feeling so stuck/unmotivated/uninspired to learn to code (or anything else as I've also tried networking and Spanish). Really I'm not particularly interested in coding, or networking or Spanish, I just want a good career/good money so that could definitely have an impact on motivation. All I really want is to be important to someone, and to have someone who makes me feel like I matter. I wouldn't care if they were super possessive or controlling, I think I'd rather fancy that because if they're possessive over me it means I matter and it's just a matter of do what they say, make them happy. And sometimes I feel like that's all I want, is to just make someone happy. 

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Someone who acts possessive may not care about you at all. They simply might care about self soothing - by acting possessive they think they can decrease their insecurities and feel in control. You could be anyone - not someone special. 
I think you’re not motivated to do the work it takes to find and develop and maintain a healthful adult relationship. 
As far as your parents it’s simple. They’re entitled to have cats.  They can meet you outside of your home.  Problem solved.
I mean for example my son and I stay with my mom when we visit our hometown. I don’t feel entitled to this or entitled to her free babysitting when I go out in the morning to work out and then come back and shower. I don’t feel entitled to her stocking the food my son and I like to eat. I’m an adult and she’s my mom but she doesn’t have to give us all of this. That’s my mindset. No I don’t pay her but we treat her to restaurants and buy her a gift etc. she’d never take my money.  She loves being with us. But I don’t feel entitled and I don’t think as an adult you should feel entitled to a pet free home at your parents. 

Im sorry you feel lonely. Id start making baby step changes where you take positive actions that show you’re treating yourself with self respect and also challenging yourself to get out of your comfort zone.  I can relate to how hard that can be. Good luck!

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Get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Address the inertia lassitude malaise depression and anxiety.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Your so-called GF is really a nonrelationship, so don't waste your time.

As far as sexworkers to get you off the sofa, well that's a short term solution to a much more pervasive problem.

Once your health checks out, get involved in sports and fitness. Join some groups and clubs. Volunteer. Take some classes and courses.

In other words you only have one life and one body to live it in. Start taking better care of both.

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10 hours ago, Krombopulos said:

I walk away wanting to improve myself for the strippers, so that maybe one day I can get a woman like that.

A woman...like what?

They're people too, with their own sets of flaws or relationship problems or life challenges. Some surely with kids at home to feed. Some with husbands or boyfriends. You're forgetting that they are paid to be sexual and if you bumped into one at the grocery store without the makeup and heels, while she's grabbing some Tampax and extra dish detergent and Sponge Bob yogurt for her toddler, you probably wouldn't even recognize her. 

At the end of the day, you have to find the instrinsic motivation to be the best version of yourself. Taking motivation from an idealized fantasy-version of an otherwise normal woman isn't terribly sustainable. 

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1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

A woman...like what?

A woman that I'm attracted to that makes me feel validated, important and that I can make happy. For instance, the last time I went I purchased some private dances. Instead of the usual lap dance I gave her some fancy chocolate that I bought, gave her a foot massage and some pins (I know she has a collection of them) and she was so pleasantly surprised, it made me feel good.  I have bumped in to a couple of dancers at the store actually and recognized them. 

Quote

At the end of the day, you have to find the instrinsic motivation to be the best version of yourself.

That's probably my biggest issue as I view almost everything in terms of external value.  

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You have to be a person who feels equal to others - not more or less “important “ - and where you’re not going to burden your partner to regularly validate you.  Yes once in awhile - I needed validation from my husband recently about a work mistake and he’s sought the same type of thing from me.  But regular validation ? No. 
buying strippers trinkets has nothing to do with having a healthy friendship or romantic relationship. It’s a business interaction.
I don’t interact with sex workers but I’ve been approached on Facebook by women who seek me out as “friends” and within a few messages I realize they want me to buy the snake oil crap they’re offering from multi level market companies. Or want a donation to go fund me for some scam.  So I move on asap. Politely as I can as no use in being “right “.  Why would I want   To buy someone’s “friendship “.  My feeling of being a person who deserves respect like other humans helps me suss out the users and scammers and business people masquerading as potential friends.  Vulnerable people like you often fall prey to this.
And you are because you have this notion that you have to pay for a romantic relationship.  Yes it’s pretty much expected still the man treats for a first date but it’s with the understanding that the woman thinks she may want to date you and likely will offer to treat you another time.  But you’re not buying her time. 

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16 hours ago, Krombopulos said:

We've seen each other just once in the past month, we haven't made out since I don't know when and we've never had sex, and we've been together 2 YEARS!

She is probably phasing out since you dont want to do anything with her. So even if you dont break up, she probably would.

Anyway, avoid strip clubs. Those girls are experts at taking your money, as you already know because you alrready spend a bunch on some girl lol. You will get entagled into that again and wont find anything meaninful. So, try something else. For example enroll to some course. You will learn something new and there is a good chance you will meet some girls.

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It’s time to let go of the relationship if it’s dragging you down like this. You’re finding destructive ways to accomplish things so you will always be one step forward, two steps back, wondering why nothing feels like it’s progressing the way it should.

The more you start doing things on your own the more confident you’ll be too. Move on. 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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