Family and Life Updates

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

I still do the same walks as always, I'm just more having to talk myself into going whereas before I would practically run out the door eagerly.   I am fortunate to live in a lovely area where I have the choice to walk along wide, tree lined streets with beautiful historic homes in various styles, a bluff path overlooking the ocean, a beach path, a boardwalk next to the open ocean, or a nearby neighborhood that has charming shops and restaurants.  That's the reason I haven't moved closer to work; this can't be replicated anywhere else unless I pay double the rent.

But all of these things that have happened plus not feeling physically well makes me just want to sit at home distracting myself with this forum or watching YouTube videos. Or playing Candy Crush lol.  Talk about a time killer!

I understand! We chose our apartment in 2008 because it's down the block from a breathtakingly gorgeous park -our backyard we share with thousands of people LOL.  From March 2020-Nov. 2021 pre vaccine and when my fitness center was closed I worked out all outdoors in and around that park. It was a lifesaver and the environment was so calming while I pushed myself!  Totally get the lack of motivation.  I'm so so glad you do it anyway!!

[Seraphim]

I am so sorry you are overwhelmed and rightly so. I would encourage finding a psychologist for this really rough time in your life . Hugs . 

[Seraphim]

How are you doing ? 

[boltnrun]

I'm doing OK. 

Services for my cousin will finally be able to be arranged. My brother is generously paying for half and we cousins contributed to cover the rest of the cost so her widower can make the arrangements.  I'm presuming it will take place later this week or next week. A ground burial is out of price so it will be a cremation. I'm fine with that as that is what I want done for myself. 

Then I can figure out when I can afford to get my car repaired. It is drivable thankfully. 

I have a short trip to the mountains planned for later this month. I plan to take a lake tour and do some bird watching and just relax in nature.

Thank you for asking 🙂

[Seraphim]

13 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'm doing OK. 

Services for my cousin will finally be able to be arranged. My brother is generously paying for half and we cousins contributed to cover the rest of the cost so her widower can make the arrangements.  I'm presuming it will take place later this week or next week. A ground burial is out of price so it will be a cremation. I'm fine with that as that is what I want done for myself. 

Then I can figure out when I can afford to get my car repaired. It is drivable thankfully. 

I have a short trip to the mountains planned for later this month. I plan to take a lake tour and do some bird watching and just relax in nature.

Thank you for asking 🙂

You are so very kind to pitch in and help with the funeral arrangements. ❤️ Yes, I hope your car gets fixed soon and you have a lovely time on your trip . 
Your brother is so kind as well. 

[boltnrun]

I was briefly thinking about the Christmas shopping I need to do and then I remembered I won't be buying a gift for my cousin and now I'm struggling not to start crying at work. 

It just hits me out of nowhere. I'm just doing whatever and then I feel this overwhelming sadness. I won't be able to make an appointment with my former psychologist because she only does appointments on Thursdays and I work in the office on Thursday. And I've already taken so much time off. Can't do it at lunchtime either because I only take a half hour lunch so I don't have to try to drive home in even worse traffic. Just gotta get through it by talking to family and friends. 

[Batya33]

I hope you feel better. I'm glad  you have some time before the holidays!

[boltnrun]

Work is SO slow. I'm so glad I am making a two hour commute to sit in the office and do nothing 🙄

No service scheduled yet for my cousin. My brother let her widower know he gathered the funds to pay for it, but he also let him know he will be paying the agency directly. The funds will not go to him for very good reasons. So far we have heard nothing. She's been gone over a week, it's past time to schedule her memorial service. 

[Seraphim]

Unfortunately, he might not be capable of making decisions and someone might have to step in. 

[boltnrun]

Just now, Seraphim said:

Unfortunately, he might not be capable of making decisions and someone might have to step in. 

My brother did step in to help but the cremation service will not take direction from my brother. It has to be her husband as her parents are no longer living and her brother is developmentally disabled. My brother is at a week long work conference so he isn't able to be there in person with her husband but he has offered to speak to the agency over the phone if needed. Our other cousin is also available if needed. I have offered my support as well. He responded "thank you" but hasn't taken me up on my offer. 

Also unfortunately my brother can't just hand the money collected over to her husband. There is an extensive history this decision is based on. Let's just say that sadly we can't count on him using that money to pay for the service. 

[Seraphim]

14 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

My brother did step in to help but the cremation service will not take direction from my brother. It has to be her husband as her parents are no longer living and her brother is developmentally disabled. My brother is at a week long work conference so he isn't able to be there in person with her husband but he has offered to speak to the agency over the phone if needed. Our other cousin is also available if needed. I have offered my support as well. He responded "thank you" but hasn't taken me up on my offer. 

Also unfortunately my brother can't just hand the money collected over to her husband. There is an extensive history this decision is based on. Let's just say that sadly we can't count on him using that money to pay for the service. 

Being he has a bad mental state he probably isn’t able to communicate with the funeral home . He is probably avoiding the situation because it is comfort . It is a sad situation. I understand bipolar people and money . I wouldn’t give it to him either . My dad many times destroyed my mother’s finances and still affects her today 34 years after she left. It is sad he won’t make one action to have her service . 

[boltnrun]

It isn't just his mental health issues (although of course they affect his decision making). I don't want to get into details but there are other concerns based on past actions. 

From my understanding he has been working with the cremation service but for whatever reason it hasn't reached the point where the service is scheduled. He did say the hospital notified him they will have to start charging a storage fee if she isn't moved soon. 

[Seraphim]

I am so sorry. 😓

[boltnrun]

39 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I am so sorry. 😓

Thank you.

My fear is he will just avoid dealing with this and nothing will get done. And it's not like any of us can take over and contact the cremation service and say we're handling it. He did similar when she was hospitalized. Just kind of handed things off to my other cousin and she ended up visiting and speaking to the doctors. He also handed off notifying my cousin's brother (although again, there were mitigating circumstances why he didn't want to go to the location where he's living). He tends to just NOT deal with things except now he doesn't have his wife to drop things on to anymore.

[Seraphim]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Thank you.

My fear is he will just avoid dealing with this and nothing will get done. And it's not like any of us can take over and contact the cremation service and say we're handling it. He did similar when she was hospitalized. Just kind of handed things off to my other cousin and she ended up visiting and speaking to the doctors. He also handed off notifying my cousin's brother (although again, there were mitigating circumstances why he didn't want to go to the location where he's living). He tends to just NOT deal with things except now he doesn't have his wife to drop things on to anymore.

Very very very common with people who have mental health issues. It is shielding to avoid uncomfortable issues as you understand too .I know you get it and it is all very sad.😓 Her poor child . 

[boltnrun]

My brother even briefly mentioned taking the child in himself. Not sure how that would work with his frequent work travel, but he makes a very lucrative living so he could likely afford child care to cover the times he's out of town. Very kind of him to even consider it.

I can say the child would be safer in many ways with my brother. But that's not our decision to make. 

[Seraphim]

Your brother is very kind indeed . I really hope the child’s father can hold it together, but I am greatly influenced by my experience with bipolar with my dad. It isn’t good and I know I am biased. I sincerely hope he is treated properly . He has all my prayers. 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

Your brother is very kind indeed . I really hope the child’s father can hold it together, but I am greatly influenced by my experience with bipolar with my dad. It isn’t good and I know I am biased. I sincerely hope he is treated properly . He has all my prayers. 

Unfortunately he's not only bipolar but also paranoid schizophrenic. He has attempted suicide at least once (a legit attempt, not an attention seeking pretend attempt). His employment options are extremely limited due to separate issues. And he's got a lot of financial issues including massive debt. He can't afford the rent on their condo without that second income. And he works overnight and can't afford childcare AND has no local family members who can help watch the child while he works. 

He's just got a lot going on. I don't advocate for removing a child from their parent unless there are safety issues or unless there are no other options. 

My brother is nearly 60 and probably wasn't intending to raise another child but he cares deeply for this child. As we all do.

Thank you for your kind words.

[Seraphim]

Just now, boltnrun said:

Unfortunately he's not only bipolar but also paranoid schizophrenic. He has attempted suicide at least once (a legit attempt, not an attention seeking pretend attempt). His employment options are extremely limited due to separate issues. And he's got a lot of financial issues including massive debt. He can't afford the rent on their condo without that second income. And he works overnight and can't afford childcare AND has no local family members who can help watch the child while he works. 

He's just got a lot going on. I don't advocate for removing a child from their parent unless there are safety issues or unless there are no other options. 

My brother is nearly 60 and probably wasn't intending to raise another child but he cares deeply for this child. As we all do.

It is a very sad situation for sure . 😓

[boltnrun]

Apparently the mortuary/cremation service has been paid and my cousin has been moved there (which gives me some comfort...I hated the idea of her just sitting in the hospital morgue).  Now he's waiting on the church to give him a date and time for the memorial service.  I'm not sure what the holdup is.  I remember when my mother passed away we got a date and time within a day or two.  I can't understand why it's been nearly a week and the church hasn't yet gotten back to him with a date and time.  And for mundane, practical reasons we all need to know.  I need to notify my workplace of when I'll be out at least a couple of days ahead of time so they can get someone to cover if necessary (I am the only one in my office who does what I do).  My cousin and her husband got married in that church (although they are not churchgoers) so they should be able to perform the service.  My husband and I got married in the church and I went to the church school for six years (although I didn't attend church and my husband attended a different one, albeit the same faith) and they were more than willing to perform the service.  I'm just puzzled.

[Batya33]

I'm sorry also about all the complications!

[boltnrun]

On 10/14/2023 at 9:10 AM, Batya33 said:

I'm sorry also about all the complications!

Thank you.

[boltnrun]

Last night I went to sleep at 10:00 pm and I slept straight through until 7:00 am. I NEVER sleep this much. And I almost never sleep straight through. I am usually lucky to get six hours. I must have needed 9 hours of sleep.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Last night I went to sleep at 10:00 pm and I slept straight through until 7:00 am. I NEVER sleep this much. And I almost never sleep straight through. I am usually lucky to get six hours. I must have needed 9 hours of sleep.

That's great!  I so rarely sleep more than 6-7 hours -can't!

[itsallgrand]

Sounds like you had one of those sleeps where you can feel your body healing ...that's the best. It's amazing what a good sleep can do as far as how we feel.