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boltnrun
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I posted a while ago about my cousin's husband who attempted suicide. He was found unresponsive and was taken to the ER for treatment when the paramedics were unable to revive him. He survived the attempt and was sent home pretty much right away because the mental health system in this country sucks. It was determined he was not an immediate threat to others or to himself (although I consider a suicide attempt that nearly succeeded to be a threat to oneself, but whatever).

He also has a history of inappropriate behaviors (going on dating and swinger sites, pushing his wife, sending inappropriate pics). 

Well, he was finally approved to see a psychiatrist. He was diagnosed by the psychiatrist as bipolar. 

This makes a LOT of sense. It explains his disordered and destructive behaviors. He is seeing the psychiatrist and is on a temporary med until the psych doctor can determine which meds would be the most effective. He is accepting and actively participating in the treatment and is taking his meds.

My cousin is staying with him because he is actively participating in the treatment and is dedicating himself to getting well for his family.

It's a relief. And I'm sure it's especially a relief for my cousin. These past months have been excruciating for her. Now she can relax just a little bit, as long as he continues to accept treatment. And I'm sure it's been no picnic for him either but now he can see a road to getting well. I love them and their child and hope for nothing but the very best for them.

Anyway, I just wanted to report as I had closed my previous journal. I wanted to let those who were reading my previous journal know the most recent developments.

I may use this journal to share experiences and anecdotes because I do enjoy getting feedback. But I'm not experiencing severe anxiety any longer (thank goodness) so there won't be much about that anymore. Just daily life.

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It does make sense . It is a very disturbing mental illness for the person and their family. My dad was severely bipolar and he was incredibly inappropriate and had a lot of disordered thinking and actions etc. Hopefully, your cousin’s husband stays med compliant. My dad wouldn’t. 

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6 hours ago, Seraphim said:

It does make sense . It is a very disturbing mental illness for the person and their family. My dad was severely bipolar and he was incredibly inappropriate and had a lot of disordered thinking and actions etc. Hopefully, your cousin’s husband stays med compliant. My dad wouldn’t. 

So far he seems to want to get better, which includes taking his meds.  It's just a matter of finding which ones work best for him.

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So I was watching Stephen Colbert last night (a YouTube recording, not live).  And he mentioned how it's been just about exactly two years since the WHO declared Covid19 a pandemic.  It caused me to reflect.

At the beginning I insisted the pandemic wasn't a thing.  I told a coworker it was just like the flu and everyone was making a big deal out of nothing.  This was early March 2020.  On March 4th I went to my new state to apartment hunt as I'd been promoted and transferred.  Zero fear.  I remember reaching out to shake hands with one of the rental agents I met up with and she hesitated, then reluctantly took my hand.  I actually found her reaction amusing.  I hugged another rental agent because she was so sweet.  And I hung out at Starbucks for hours in between appointments.  Flew back to my home state again with zero fear.  At home I went to Target frequently after work.  Went shopping for a new fridge. 

Then about 15 days later the sh*t hit the fan and I was suddenly terrified.  I can't even remember what triggered me, but I was absolutely petrified.  I had to drive 5 hours to pick up the keys to my new apartment at the end of March and I was so, so frightened.  I remember the freeway was basically empty.  I stopped at this large, sort of destination truck stop on the way and there was me, one other lady, one man, one cashier and one security guard when usually the place was packed.  I ran in, used the restroom, then left.  And when I got to the property management office I wasn't allowed to go inside (which was fine with me).  The young lady shoved the envelope with the keys through the mail slot in the door and I remember I sprayed the envelope and the keys with disinfectant before picking them up and throwing them in the trunk of my car.  Spent the night at my brother's house (refused to hug him or his wife) and then drove back the next day, absolutely terrified the whole way.  And from there, I became overcome with anxiety, which led me to where I was when I started my previous journal (Anxiety Help - Journal).

I feel anxious just remembering how frightened and anxious I was back then!  But things have evolved and I'm doing much better now, with a LOT of professional help.

Anyway, it's interesting to look back and see my thought process.  There's a lot more but no need to rehash.  Bottom line, here we are today!

I'm waiting for my brother and his kids to arrive for a visit.  It's a beautiful day outside today, perfect for an outdoor brunch.

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Ugh.

I had a really nice time with my brother, niece, nephew and son yesterday.  We walked around downtown and had a great lunch.  Did some shopping and treated my niece and nephew to a beer flight at the liquor store around the corner.  Weather was great too.

Now the "ugh" part...I am very particular about keeping my home clean.  I insist people remove their shoes, for example.  So everyone was great about taking their shoes off when they arrived.  But when we left to walk downtown my brother put his shoes on inside and walked on my floor with his dirty shoes.  Why???!!! Also, my nephew dropped his spare pair of shorts on the ground right where dogs poop and homeless people pee, throw up and leave their trash.  He picked them up and then came inside and set them down on my couch.  Then he changed into those shorts and sat down on my couch.  Gross.  Then we were at lunch and my brother was sitting across from me and he accidentally spit a bit of food onto my hand while talking.  Ick.  Then, he took the blanket he had bought at a boutique out of the bag and opened it up and moved toward my bed to spread it out.  I admit I yelled "don't put that on my bed!!"  It wasn't inside any packaging and had been sitting in the store for who knows how long and been handled by who knows how many people.  I always clean or wash everything before I put it in my home.  And finally, worst of all, I noticed that either my brother or my nephew had peed on the rim of my toilet and hadn't cleaned it up.  And I didn't notice until after I'd used the toilet twice.  I mean, when my son was a child and he did that, I would march him into the bathroom and make him clean it up.  He only did that a few times before he started being more careful.  But whichever of them did it just left it there for me to clean.  Or more likely, didn't even notice.

And this is why I dislike having people over to visit.  I get it, my cleanliness standards are excessive and my obsession with not having anything I consider "dirty" inside my home is weird.  I spent about 20 minutes cleaning my couch with rug cleaner (fortunately my couch is canvas so the rug cleaner didn't harm it) and more time cleaning my floor.  And I know this is not something everyone else does.  But it's upsetting to me.  I'm trying not to let these things bother me but I've been like this for years. I just like my home to be clean and disinfected and outsiders just get it all dirty!  Gah!  LOL

I still love them to the moon and back and I'm happy I got to spend time with them.  I just need them to keep dirty stuff off my furniture and floor and to make sure they pee inside the toilet, not on it!

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On 3/15/2022 at 8:31 AM, Seraphim said:

I hope you have a great time ! 

Thanks!

We had a blast (always do). 

I ended up with a sunburnt nose and forehead and the most excellent of farmer tans. It didn't occur to me that I'd be sitting for two hours in direct sunlight so I didn't apply sunscreen. Then we went for an hour long walk along the beach. I'm fried. But only in my nose, forehead and arms from mid-upper arm to my wrists. Oh, and my neckline too. It looks hilarious. My nose hurts too. 

But totally worth it.

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Posted (edited)

CYA, baby!

Client is upset because they have not received required documents. It's my responsibility to upload the docs but not to create or compile them for submission. So I asked and asked and asked, for MONTHS, but no one has supplied me with the docs. So the client is escalating.

I keep any and all correspondence regarding everything, so I can defend myself if it comes to that. And I've kept my manager in the loop.

Really stupid of them to risk upsetting this very important, very lucrative client. They're risking losing literally millions of dollars because no one wants to work on these docs. It's been pass the buck for nearly six months. Corporate office will likely not be pleased at all.

Edited by boltnrun
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Posted (edited)

I just got an email from a woman at another branch office that asked me to help out as they are shorthanded. I was literally just trained in a brand new process, so naturally I have questions. She just emailed me saying she can't deal with my questions! Soooo...she wants me to just guess? Or do it wrong??

What the actual hell.

Edited by boltnrun
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I was all set to go on a walk. I don't like to touch frequently touched surfaces in public areas so I use a Kleenex. Literally ten seconds into my walk, when I was trying to open the front door to my complex, the Kleenex slipped off and my bare hand grabbed the door handle. I had to either go back upstairs, wash my hands and try to start over or spend the entire walk holding my right hand away from my body. I went for option three...give up and go back home.

Yes, I know my reactions are extreme and not particularly logical but that's my anxiety manifesting itself.

It's supremely windy today anyway. And I walked yesterday and the day before. I'll walk tomorrow. But I'm still annoyed.

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2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I was all set to go on a walk. I don't like to touch frequently touched surfaces in public areas so I use a Kleenex. Literally ten seconds into my walk, when I was trying to open the front door to my complex, the Kleenex slipped off and my bare hand grabbed the door handle. I had to either go back upstairs, wash my hands and try to start over or spend the entire walk holding my right hand away from my body. I went for option three...give up and go back home.

Yes, I know my reactions are extreme and not particularly logical but that's my anxiety manifesting itself.

It's supremely windy today anyway. And I walked yesterday and the day before. I'll walk tomorrow. But I'm still annoyed.

I am the exact same way. I have OCD, and I have no shame about it at all.

It is what it is.

I have a lot of anxiety if I touch surfaces that others have touched, and I am not comfortable with it at all.

It began about 10 years ago, and I used to stress about it, but I don't anymore. I'm okay with it.

There are days I push harder, and days where I give myself a break and go back home.

It's okay either way.

Some days are easier than others, right?

I do the best I can with it. 

Always keep kleenex handy, and hand sanitizer.

And if a day comes along where you need to go home, don't beat yourself up over it.

Try again tomorrow. ❤️ I think you're doing awesome!!

Edited by SherrySher
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WHY???!!! Do people spit? It's such a filthy, disgusting thing to do to just loudly hack up a loogie and then let it fly.

Gross.

21 hours ago, SherrySher said:

Try again tomorrow. ❤️ I think you're doing awesome!!

Thank you!

I never was bothered before the pandemic. I always hated touching trash bins and dumpsters but never door handles and the like.

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My manager told me he will be posting a requisition for my job that will be direct hire. If I apply and am chosen to interview I have the chance to be a full time employee instead of a contract worker. He did say the process will take a few months but that's standard with large companies. I'm hoping I get hired!

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6 hours ago, boltnrun said:

My manager told me he will be posting a requisition for my job that will be direct hire. If I apply and am chosen to interview I have the chance to be a full time employee instead of a contract worker. He did say the process will take a few months but that's standard with large companies. I'm hoping I get hired!

Crossing fingers, and sending good luck your way!!

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On 3/22/2022 at 2:31 PM, SherrySher said:

Crossing fingers, and sending good luck your way!!

Thank you, Sherry!

And don't you all just love it when someone asks you to email a document you already sent them? I love to respond "document was sent previously in the attached email". 

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On 3/22/2022 at 11:29 AM, boltnrun said:

My manager told me he will be posting a requisition for my job that will be direct hire. If I apply and am chosen to interview I have the chance to be a full time employee instead of a contract worker. He did say the process will take a few months but that's standard with large companies. I'm hoping I get hired!

Good luck ! 

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13 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Good luck ! 

Thank you!

So, I really need people to please not cough directly on me. Waiting until they get RIGHT next to me and then coughing. Not bothering to cover their mouth either. Oh, and if you're going to just shove your mask under your chin don't even bother, it's not doing anything. 

I'm starting to feel that old fear creeping back where I'm starting to be afraid to go out for walks. Imagining all sorts of dire things happening. It needs to stop because I need my walks.

Tomorrow I'm going to a really cute little outdoor shopping and dining area by the beach to window shop and get myself a late breakfast. I will NOT allow my anxiety to stop me. I made up all sorts of stupid excuses last time. This time I won't let my fear and anxiety take over. I won't. Besides, this little French bakery has Kouign Amman which is my all time favorite pastry. Haven't had it in well over two years. So go away, fear and anxiety!

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So, despite my recent anxiety regression I signed up to be a part of the "Welcome to US" volunteer group.  This group will be focusing on helping Afghan and Ukrainian refugees transition to sanctuary in the United States.  It probably will require me to interact in crowds.  But at some point I have to stop making everything about me.

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Change of plans!

I have so many errands to run in my own city that it made zero sense to drive 30 minutes north and four cities away and then have to drive 45 minutes back to where my errands are all located.  So I'm going to go for a walk, patronize a local spot for lunch and then run my errands. Plus I ALWAYS need a bathroom right after I eat, so being close to home means I can go home, take care of business, then go back out and run my errands.

Now the question is, where to eat??  My neighborhood has so many delicious, small restaurants and cafes along with the bigger restaurants (which I try to avoid as I feel they don't need my money as badly as the locally owned places do).  It's a fun dilemma.

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All right. That's it. I give up.

Today was the FIFTH day in a row that I went on my walk and was either coughed on, sneezed on or spit towards from a couple of feet away. 

I can only conclude that whoever is in charge of the universe either wants me to stop going for walks or wants me to get sick. I refuse to stop going for walks so I guess it's going to be yet another bout of Covid. I don't want to even try to protect myself anymore. Why, when I got it originally AT HOME and the second time at my family Christmas gathering? I give up. I get sick again, so be it.

I did see that my city authorized a second booster shot so I'll get that but otherwise? Something wants me sick so I'll just get sick. 

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Gnarly car accident right under my apartment window.  Crushed a couple of parked cars, jumped the curb and then landed against the apartment building wall after taking out a street sign and three palm trees.  The poor guy who lives in the apartment kitty corner downstairs heard a loud "BOOM" and we all went outside to find a big white pickup truck against the wall.  Fortunately no one was hurt and no one was in the parked cars.

The guy who caused the accident tried to get out and run but a witness stopped him.  Dude's going to jail.  He looked supremely high.

Of course I'm a little worried because I was out there in a decent sized crowd for about an hour.  People literally elbow to elbow, fact to face and no masks.  I kind of knew I was probably exposing myself but as per my previous post, I'm not going to do much to try to protect myself anymore as it seems futile at this point.  My anxiety wants me to shower and shampoo but I literally just showered three hours ago so I'm not doing it again.

Lots of foot traffic in this neighborhood so again, thankfully no one was hurt.

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