Recent breakup after almost 4 years. Not sure whats next. Need some help

[Hunter74]

First time doing anything like this so bare with me i suppose. Last week my SO and I went on a little trip into our city to stay in a hotel for the start of her spring break and to relax a lot and have some alone time together without being in one of our parents homes. The trip was great and everything was good up to this point, we have had rough patches before but we have only really fought about twice during our whole relationship. One night at the hotel were looking for some puzzles on our phones in the app store. Now i don't use the app store at all, and haven't used it since that day for over a year, so when i opened the search bar she saw that tinder was a "recent" search. At first i didn't know she saw it and she didn't say anything to me and we went about our day like nothing and she never mentioned it or let me explain it to her. On our last day there we wake up and i grab a shower and while I'm in there she goes in my phone and looks in my Instagram. Now, here is where she found a message i sent to a model account. Now I don't know why I did this, I never wanted anything to come of it or expected to, nor was i planning on buying anything the account would be selling. It was only one message I sent and it was a camera emoji and a question mark. It was ***ing dumb of me, and I'm still trying to figure out myself why I did something so stupid when I wasn't trying to gain anything out of it. But she saw this message and once again didnt say anything to me. She's a very anxious person. I try to help her but sometimes i feel i make it worse. This situation happened once before, with me messaging a dumb model account saying "whatchu got." This was just for ***s and giggles, me being a stupid 21 yr old trying to get some humor out of a dm from a pornstar basically. But back too the last night of the hotel. The day is fine and were just packing up and getting ready to head home, unbeknownst to me that she looked in my instagram. Later we leave the hotel and the car ride was a little quiet and she seemed slightly anxious about something. So I tried helping a little, trying to crack some more jokes, play with her hair because that helps calm her down a lot. It seemed to work and we were heading to the store to grab a card for her moms birthday since it was that day as well, and in the store everything felt normal. I had no clue that in her head she has already broken up with. We eventually left the store and i took her home, helped her take her luggage in and talked a little to her family, then we did our usual kiss and i love you and i left, planning on coming back in a few hours for dinner there since it was her mothers birthday. Once i got home though she said wanted to talk. So over the next few hours we talk about everything. It was a lot but her main reason for being angry was she said that i had broken her trust, and she was confused as to why i would do the same thing again, after we had already had a fight over the same thing essentially. And honestly i dont have a good answer as to why i sent those stupid dms. And i told her that, i confessed everything and i owned my mistakes. Eventually i go to her house later that night so we can talk in person and not over text. At this point it was about 5 hours later from the initial start of the conversation, and i am already extremally paranoid and anxious and depressed. Once i get there and we talk and i try explaining everything it only seems to make it worse. And it this point, I cant lie I am on the brink of breaking down because I know what is about to happen. I ask her what i can do to show her im not talking to other women romantically, or to get any type of sexual favor or pictures, and she asks me to download tinder again and to look at it. And i agreed, because i havnt used tinder in a long time and i thought i didnt have any recent messages or anything on there. But i guess i was wrong because she saw 3 messages between me and another girl from May of 21. And we she saw this and told me, she had to stop herself from crying and then said itd probably be best to leave. I didnt know at the time where the messages came from and i didnt remember sending any of the messages i saw. So at this point i am hysterical, trying to explain to her that I dont know what they are from, and that I never remembered sending them. And i truly didnt at the time, but she didnt care or believe me really because we were together since 2018.

(I remembered today that i did send those tinder messages, and i looked at the dates, and it was at a time when we had a fight and we went on a break from each other for like 3 days. I remember downloading tinder. I was desperately looking for attention i think because i couldnt talk to the woman i loved so much and it only made me feel more empty inside, it didn't feel right and i deleted the same day. And the next day or so we met back up to talk and we both had a moment and broke down because we both knew we were making a mistake being away form each other.)

I tried pleading to her, asking if she still loves me with which she replied "yes a lot, but love isn't everything, I don't trust you anymore and I don't think I can again" This broke me to the core, the pain I feel isn't like anything i ever imagined it would if her and I broke up. I've been fully cheated on in a year long relationship as well, and this was a trillion times worse. We had a future together, we had plans to move out of state when she done with nursing school, we talked about kids, a lot, and we wanted some when we were both financially stable. Being with her finally made me feel like a person, and a loved one who i could share my thoughts and feelings with, grow old with and not have a second that I ever made a mistake in my life because I was with her. A few months ago I gave her a promise ring. She loved it and when she put it on, I felt complete. Like I finally did something right in my life and secured a smart beautiful woman who I can grow with and be a better person than I was before. But now that world has shattered, and I don't know what to do. Im taking the blame in everything, and always have owned my mistakes, because she was a woman I felt I didn't deserve and I never wanted to do anything that I thought would hurt our future. I take full responsibility for the breakup, but I don't want this at all. And Im so scared I will never get to see her again, hold her hand and listen to her infectious laugh again. I'm scared I'm going to go back into a dark place that she helped me climb out of. Im scared that I hurt her so much that she is scared now and not only will she not take me back but never truly be happy in a relationship, and all I have every wanted for her is to be happy. Now I feel that she may hate me and just completely erase me from her life. Seems trivial but within the few hours we broke up she deleted pictures of us off her insta and then unadded me on snap. But I understand that, just worries me a lot. I have no idea if she blocked my number and im honestly terrified of finding out.

I haven't had any contact with her since the breakup, she did text my mother the morning after we broke up asking if I made it home alright because I left her house really upset. Everyday I fight the urges to text her, leaving her with her space in hopes that she will find a way to want make us work again. I almost sent her flowers already and had to stop myself. Everyday feels like hell now, I barely eat and I feel as if im making myself sick subconsciously. Im trying to talk as much as I can without choking up. Taking my dog on my walks, and thinking about going the gym again. But I have no motivation, barely any to breath. 

Not sure what im trying to get out of this post. Not even sure if anyone will respond, but maybe just doing this post will help take some weight off my soul. I guess id like to hear peoples opinions on if I really am a ***head or not, and some advice if there's any to give. 

Feel like the only thing im hanging onto is the thought that maybe, we may be together again one day.

[boltnrun]

You sabotaged your relationship three times. You say you don't know why you did it, but of course you know why. You find it exciting to inappropriately communicate with women outside of your relationship. Doing this is more important than your relationship is.

I agree, leave her alone. You're just going to do it again, so let her go so she can find someone who isn't into messaging other women behind her back.

Also, it seems like you actually want to be free to message women. Nothing wrong with that, just don't do it when you're supposed to be in a serious, committed relationship. Now you are single so you can get back on Tinder and Instagram anytime you want. 

[NLYid88]

Bottom line is, yes, you f*cked up. You keep trying to excuse yourself, but what you did really is inexcusable after four years.

Instead of worrying about how feel, why not consider how you made her feel, and with her feeling that way- why would she ever choose to trust you again?

 

Ask yourself if the situation was the other way around, what would you do?

 

[Hunter74]

I agree with the both of you. But it's really not that I want to talk to other girls or that I found it exciting, it was the complete opposite. And yes, the same question comes up, why then? Spur of the moment I'm sort of in the mood and saw this model account and sent a DM only to feel awful about it for apparent reasons, then stop it there and take it no further.  I'm not looking for excuses, I'm owning my mistakes. And if I were in her situation I would feel the same, betrayed, and although it didn't happen to me, I feel I would still try. But I'm not her and that is the bottom line. But I know I wouldn't do it again, and i know it doesn't seem believable, because its not. But I know my feelings, and im trying to change now and for the better, and hopefully that can show her maybe I'd be worth another chance. But im not going to chase her, I understand that it's her choose to make now and I can only wait. And thanks for the response.

52 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You sabotaged your relationship three times. You say you don't know why you did it, but of course you know why. You find it exciting to inappropriately communicate with women outside of your relationship. Doing this is more important than your relationship is.

I agree, leave her alone. You're just going to do it again, so let her go so she can find someone who isn't into messaging other women behind her back.

Also, it seems like you actually want to be free to message women. Nothing wrong with that, just don't do it when you're supposed to be in a serious, committed relationship. Now you are single so you can get back on Tinder and Instagram anytime you want. 

 

[Hunter74]

1 hour ago, NLYid88 said:

 

Ask yourself if the situation was the other way around, what would you do?

 

I have done that many times. And I can honestly say that if she did the same to me, I would be upset, but I would want to work through it still. Is that wrong to feel? Am I being too naïve with my feelings in thinking so? Or do I just care that much about her? I don't know. I think the main thing that gets me is she said she still loves me. And I somewhat think that if that were true she would still want to talk and work things out. Am I wrong for that? I'm not asking to get back together now or soon, I really just want to talk to her whenever we both have our space, and talk about how it ended and if how it ended was really how we want us to end. I don't know. At the very least i just feel like we, or maybe just me, need closure for the relationship.

Thank you for your response 

[SooSad33]

21 minutes ago, Hunter74 said:

I think the main thing that gets me is she said she still loves me. And I somewhat think that if that were true she would still want to talk and work things out. Am I wrong for that? I'm not asking to get back together now or soon, I really just want to talk to her whenever we both have our space, and talk about how it ended and if how it ended was really how we want us to end.

No, no  do not contact her. She is struggling and needs her space!  Then you respect that... Get a journal going. Say all you want there.. a good way to 'get it out'.

Of course she still has feeling for you- that doesn't go away overnight.  BUT, you've caused a BIG amt of damage by affecting her trust in you. Yah, that's a problem 😕 .

I know, you're only young still. At 21. So this needs to be a learning experience for you. Eg.  If you have an argument with your partner, is no reason to run to a dating app or reach out to some hot models.  The mature way is to work on the problems with your partner.. So yeah, you give them a little space & time to 'cool off', then approach.  

As for needing some 'closure'. No, that's on you.  If things are far gone now, that she feels she can't do this anymore, then it's something you need to now work on accepting.

I'm sorry you are hurting 😕 .. Yes, we all mess up now & then.. like I said, it's a learning experience.  Was yoru choice to react the way you did.  (may I also add, then the solution to a problem when you're dating is NOT to break up for a few days.. fps, work it out.  Work on it.).

Anyways, be easy on yourself... try to calm down & yah, keep busy and just let things simmer down.  She may, in time accept to talking again - but don't expect it.

In the end, yes, it hurts to have things fall apart. Been there a few times and each time i've had to work through it all and pick myself back up.  Takes time but we get through it. So, to work on that aspect try NOT to follow all she's doing.  That just holds you back & delays your own ability to accept & move on etc.

 

[1a1a]

You might find this video helpful 

I know how you feel, it really sucks!

[Hunter74]

5 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Anyways, be easy on yourself... try to calm down & yah, keep busy and just let things simmer down.  She may, in time accept to talking again - but don't expect it.

Thanks for the kind words. The journal might be a good idea. I plan on keeping the space. Honestly just want to know if she is doing alright, even though she's probably not. And to add also, the other time we did fight and went on a break, I've always always told her, if you ever have a problem, tell me, please, so we can work through it together and grow. Not to put blame on her because she deserves none, but she would have trouble expressing her problems to people if its about them. And not just in our relationship, but her other family and friend ones. But im no better, I have the same problem sometimes and have been working on that since I was young, just wish I talked to her more about it.

 

8 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

may I also add, then the solution to a problem when you're dating is NOT to break up for a few days.. fps, work it out.  Work on it.).

 

[SooSad33]

28 minutes ago, Hunter74 said:

I've always always told her, if you ever have a problem, tell me, please, so we can work through it together and grow. Not to put blame on her because she deserves none, but she would have trouble expressing her problems to people if its about them. And not just in our relationship, but her other family and friend ones. But im no better, I have the same problem sometimes and have been working on that since I was young, just wish I talked to her more about it.

Sounds like communication issues.  That's also something that is very important in a relationship.... Yup, we come to learn our challenges & where we need to work on improvement.. But life's a learning experiences itself.

you're young and you will learn... like everyone else.

 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. There's too many obstacles from living with parents to gross distrust and misbehaving. You screw around on social media and she is rifling through your phone. What is that?

Take a giant step away from all this. Neither of you are ready willing or able to be in an exclusive relationship.

Sow your wild oats on your own time, not with a security blanket.

[boltnrun]

10 hours ago, Hunter74 said:

I agree with the both of you. But it's really not that I want to talk to other girls or that I found it exciting, it was the complete opposite. And yes, the same question comes up, why then? Spur of the moment I'm sort of in the mood and saw this model account and sent a DM only to feel awful about it for apparent reasons, then stop it there and take it no further.  I'm not looking for excuses, I'm owning my mistakes. And if I were in her situation I would feel the same, betrayed, and although it didn't happen to me, I feel I would still try. But I'm not her and that is the bottom line. But I know I wouldn't do it again, and i know it doesn't seem believable, because its not. But I know my feelings, and im trying to change now and for the better, and hopefully that can show her maybe I'd be worth another chance. But im not going to chase her, I understand that it's her choose to make now and I can only wait. And thanks for the response.

 

If she gives you another chance, you'd see it as permission to message "models" yet again. You would know she doesn't respect herself enough. You would believe you could do whatever you want and she'll just keep coming back. Especially since this isn't the first time, but the THIRD time.

Be single. That way you can message "hot models" anytime you want without anyone stopping you and without having to hide it.

[NLYid88]

20 hours ago, Hunter74 said:

I agree with the both of you. But it's really not that I want to talk to other girls or that I found it exciting, it was the complete opposite. And yes, the same question comes up, why then? Spur of the moment I'm sort of in the mood and saw this model account and sent a DM only to feel awful about it for apparent reasons, then stop it there and take it no further.  I'm not looking for excuses, I'm owning my mistakes. And if I were in her situation I would feel the same, betrayed, and although it didn't happen to me, I feel I would still try. But I'm not her and that is the bottom line. But I know I wouldn't do it again, and i know it doesn't seem believable, because its not. But I know my feelings, and im trying to change now and for the better, and hopefully that can show her maybe I'd be worth another chance. But im not going to chase her, I understand that it's her choose to make now and I can only wait. And thanks for the response.

 

You really aren't owning your mistakes, you are just expecting her to put up with them.

 

How can you say that "its really not that I want to talk to other girls that I found exciting. It was the complete opposite"? Isn't that exactly what you did? Sorry to break it to you, but it is exactly what it looks like. You cannot talk your way out of that.

 

It's difficult to find the logic in specific decisions, but it sounds to me like you have an issue with acting impulsively. It's easy to be remorseful when you get caught, the fact that you said you completely forgot about this until recently just goes to show that you didn't regret it at all. Until you had to deal with the consequences. I don't say this to be mean or *** on you. We have all made mistakes.

 

I would take this opportunity to learn about dealing with being impulsive. If you feel compelled to reach out to your ex now, perhaps thats part of the same problem. Stop and think for a bit. You will realise that the only thing you can and should be doing right now is letting her decide what she wants.

 

I do feel for you but part of growing up is learning to make decisions empathetically, and not impulsively.

[MissCanuck]

On 3/9/2022 at 5:30 AM, Hunter74 said:

And I can honestly say that if she did the same to me, I would be upset, but I would want to work through it still. Is that wrong to feel? Am I being too naïve with my feelings in thinking so?

Very much so, yes. 

You're speaking from the perspective of someone who has never been on the other side of this. You can't put yourself in her shoes, because you're still seeing it through the filter of running your own agenda. Of course you would say you would give it a chance, because that's exaclty what you want. 

However, your behaviour was very poor and you did it multiple times. I would be done with you too. No more trying, because honestly, it just wouldn't be worth it to me anymore. There are plenty of men out there who don't do what you do. If I were her, I would free myself to find one of them. 

I don't mean to be harsh but you need a cold dose of reality here. 

[Kwothe28]

I think you "dug up your own grave here". Tinder, messaging Insta Thots, its a behavior of somebody who is single, not of somebody who is in a commited relationship. In a situation like that ofcourse the other side would be hurt. You are dating her and act like a single guy just waiting the solution to leave. And its a behavior that keeps happening. To you, its a minor thing. To her, its disrespectful. 

[boltnrun]

6 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Insta Thots

OMG LOL

 I agree with the rest of what you wrote. OP, this wasn't a "mistake", this was you choosing to do this THREE times. You can say "Gee, I don't know why I did it!!!" but you do know. You were hoping to get nudes of these "models" sent to you so you could get off on them or share them with your buddies. 

I wouldn't give you a fourth chance.

[NLYid88]

I think an important part of owning mistakes is being self aware.

You know exactly why you did those things, you're just being too stubborn to admit it.

Apologising when you get caught is not owning a mistake, it's just expecting someone else to put up with your behavior and give you a clean slate to do it again.

[Jibralta]

On 3/8/2022 at 8:29 PM, Hunter74 said:

she found a message i sent to a model account. Now I don't know why I did this, I never wanted anything to come of it or expected to, nor was i planning on buying anything the account would be selling. It was only one message I sent and it was a camera emoji and a question mark.

This situation happened once before, with me messaging a dumb model account saying "whatchu got." This was just for ***s and giggles, me being a stupid 21 yr old trying to get some humor out of a dm from a pornstar basically.

I never remembered sending them. And i truly didnt at the time, but she didnt care or believe me really because we were together since 2018.

On 3/8/2022 at 8:29 PM, Hunter74 said:

"yes a lot, but love isn't everything, I don't trust you anymore and I don't think I can again"

Your ex girlfriend has good instincts. 

On 3/8/2022 at 8:29 PM, Hunter74 said:

Im scared that I hurt her so much that she is scared now and not only will she not take me back but never truly be happy in a relationship, and all I have every wanted for her is to be happy.

Don't worry. I'm sure that she will find love again and that she will be just fine. Breaking up with you has helped her take an important step in that very direction. I think your fear that she will not take you back is completely valid. I think she values her own happiness too much to waste time dealing with B.S.