Humiliated by work crush

[Broken plate]

I started a full time job on February 1st. I immediately met a team of around 30 people who were very close knit and welcomed me in but it was very overwhelming as I generally get on better with guys and I've pretty bad social anxiety and there's only 2 guys on the team. There are around 70-100 on our floor so this is a very public office.

 I got on so well with these 2 guys who happened to be training me, especially one of them who was single. Almost instantly people started teasing us stating how similar we are. I personally felt uncomfortable with this but decided to roll with it. Inevitably we started having  tension, I'd walk past his desk everyday when I'd finished training and he'd comment, flirt, ask me questions, state how funny he thought I was and I tried my hardest not to crush on him but he eventually asked me (off handedly) if I wanted to join everyone at the local bar one night. He bought me a drink last week and upon asking what I get up to on weekends said 

"I'm out most weekends cos I'm single you see...." 

He then walked me home and asked LOTS of questions. I immediately felt chemistry between us but was perplexed why he'd leave work everyday, completely oblivious to me and never really making any effort unless I walked past him. Still, this week he came up to me immediately on valentines day, pulled my hair a little and stumbled on his words asking how my weekend was. I decided to fully go full on with him, I became touchy with him too, enjoying the awkward but sparky connection. That's where things changed. 

The whole week he's been chatty still but not making any effort in our breaks or after work and I thought he was either shy or playing hard to get and being someone so in tune with vibes, energy and my general overthinking, I decided to be bold yesterday and ask him "I believe I still owe you a drink, don't I? Are you going to the bar after?".. This was brave but slightly disastrous. I was so nervous that I didn't realise how many people heard and though he agreed, he was very cold with me all day. 

The night was horrendous. He went to the bar, mumbled something about me buying him a drink then took it, went on his phone and I sat awkwardly with 3 other people I don't know well. He then said "oh I'm buying a drink for Sarah, I do it all the time for my mates". This truly pissed me off as it was his way of gesturing that he didn't intend to buy me a drink last week as more then a mate, this girl Sarah was actually lovely and had a boyfriend but he stayed in her eye contact whilst talking to me coldly and when she left he said "think I'm gonna go too". It seems many people at the bar were aware of this catastrophe as people were being overly chatty to him so he wouldn't have to talk to me and I felt absolutely humiliated . 

The girl left us to meet her boyfriend and he seemed very eager to get away from me. I couldn't help myself. I immediately cornered him and told him how embarrassed I felt. I told him I was playing along with the flirting as I enjoyed it and that his hot & cold signals made me uncomfortable. He started to walk away saying how he didn't know what I was talking about but I got very forward with him, saying he stroked my hair, flirted publicly and how he'd made a fool of me Infront of the office. I'm aware this was very impulsive but I'm highly attentive to my feelings and wanted to get clarity. He told me he barely knew me and that he's like that with everyone. It ended horribly awkward but he hugged me and said we can start afresh on Monday. 

 

I know I crossed a line here, but I'm glad I was true to my feelings. I'm still the new girl and thankfully not near his desk but I feel so SO embarrassed. He is very popular and I'm aware everyone will be talking. 

I'm quite resilient and have often messed up with my intensity with guys but never in a work setting. I've messed up and can't stop thinking about Monday - how do I be? Do I brush this off? I feel terrible 

[mylolita]

Morning Broken,

 

I’m sorry, I really feel your embarrassment here, but it’s not your fault!

 

It’s not a crime to flirt and it’s not a crime to ask someone and it’s not a crime to get it wrong! He should have been a gentleman - if he realised you liked him (and it sounds like he did give you wrong signals and will have known this) he should have pulled you to one side and spoken privately, kindly, and been a friend too you, not publicly embarrassed you to save face or feel cool or go with the crowd or be a d***k or whatever he was thinking. He was wrong!
 

You were brave and mature to pull him aside over it, that takes guts and I commend you.

 

Go back Monday, looking awesome. Get on with work, make new friends there, hold your head up high. You can do so much better than this. I would be very annoyed with him and question whether he is even friend material after his school cafeteria style behaviour.

 

This will all be forgotten in a week or so and the mob will move onto new gossip. By the way, he might still like you but have acted weird for some reason. Sometimes people can do funny things. But either way, turn your back on this one would be my advice, the perfect guy is out there for you but it isn’t this one!

 

All the best,

 

Lo x

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, Broken plate said:

I started a full time job on February 1st. 

So you've been there a couple of weeks? Report this creep for sexual harassment. It's not a good idea to get involved with the office wolf/flirt.

Distance yourself, act professional and date outside of work. The workplace is not a singles club.

Be friendly to everyone yet professional. If he keeps pulling your hair, report this.

[Batya33]

I think you participated in behaving inappropriately at work. He did too. The way you flirted and chatted crossed lines IMHO. and it’s not related to the bottom line - it’s great for the bottom line to work well together and to be cordial and friendly but not treating it like a social event for singles. 
I met my husband originally at work. We didn’t work together ever and when we ended up dating it was all off work premises. In fact we were seen out together on weekends and I felt this was fine. We were not working or at work. People talked - nothing bad at all - but I was fine with it because it wasn’t work related at all.  
you’re the new person. Make a professional and hard working impression not using your office as an adult playground. Being highly attentive to your feelings is good. Most of us are in the way you describe - when someone is rude or if we touch a big stove we are highly attentive to the emotional or physical boo boo.  Be highly attentive to not oversharing because you want to be honest or you need “clarity “ on a non work related issue 

[mylolita]

OP,

 

I kind of disagree with the responses here. Maybe I am just getting too soft in my 30s - ha!

 

I get being professional, but people are human. People make jokes, flirt, have fall outs, arguments, all at work. People even meet people at work! Just like yourself Batya! There must have been some flirtation, surely? We are not robots, people live and breathe, working or not.

 

You put yourself out there, okay, a bit girlishly, and he seemed too forward as well - he has handled it meanly and embarrassed you on purpose, he could have been clear with you much more politely and privately and with class and grace.

 

I get what people are saying, but you can be professional and still have a cheeky flirt or share a joke or whatever. Life doesn’t have to be too serious. I worked in a legal office full of pressure and deadlines and solicitors going berserk but there was still unprofessional office drama abound. It happens from the supermarket to the House of Commons to nasa headquarters. You won’t be the first and you won’t be the last.

 

In my opinion, he acted badly - go in holding your head high, it’s nothing to worry about.

 

x

[Batya33]

34 minutes ago, mylolita said:

OP,

 

I kind of disagree with the responses here. Maybe I am just getting too soft in my 30s - ha!

 

I get being professional, but people are human. People make jokes, flirt, have fall outs, arguments, all at work. People even meet people at work! Just like yourself Batya! There must have been some flirtation, surely? We are not robots, people live and breathe, working or not.

 

You put yourself out there, okay, a bit girlishly, and he seemed too forward as well - he has handled it meanly and embarrassed you on purpose, he could have been clear with you much more politely and privately and with class and grace.

 

I get what people are saying, but you can be professional and still have a cheeky flirt or share a joke or whatever. Life doesn’t have to be too serious. I worked in a legal office full of pressure and deadlines and solicitors going berserk but there was still unprofessional office drama abound. It happens from the supermarket to the House of Commons to nasa headquarters. You won’t be the first and you won’t be the last.

 

In my opinion, he acted badly - go in holding your head high, it’s nothing to worry about.

 

x

I agree completely and made it clear I was referring to this particular situation.  In this particular situation I believe the specific flirting and behavior crossed boundaries inappropriately. 

[smackie9]

He’s all about him being in control.You became assertive and ruined his fun. That’s why he turned completely off. He’s a jerk. Tip: don’t get romantically involved with coworkers. 

[mylolita]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I agree completely and made it clear I was referring to this particular situation.  In this particular situation I believe the specific flirting and behavior crossed boundaries inappropriately. 

Evening Batya! 
 

Oh! I apologise for the misunderstanding! 
 

I don’t think it was inappropriate though. I guess it was immature but, maybe I have been numbed by the office I used to work at where, y’know, let’s just say that stationary cupboard had seen some action!!!

 

x

[Batya33]

20 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Evening Batya! 
 

Oh! I apologise for the misunderstanding! 
 

I don’t think it was inappropriate though. I guess it was immature but, maybe I have been numbed by the office I used to work at where, y’know, let’s just say that stationary cupboard had seen some action!!!

 

x

So hilarious. Love it!!  No apologies needed! Let's say I can relate (but in my situation it was not my office or company and it was after hours and no my future husband was not my um plus one - hadn't yet met him!).

[Rose Mosse]

Avoid this. Whatever caused you to believe he was into you don’t buy into it. He may just be a womanizer or someone who trails women or likes the attention from the presence of women while at work.

Unfortunately you seemed to think that he was a good option to date or pursue a romance without hardly being employed for longer than a month or knowing him very well. You may still be in a probationary period at work and you’re replaceable so keep things professional while you’re at work. Steer clear of this man and keep your conversations work-related only. He sounds inappropriate and a magnet for drama.

 

[Jibralta]

4 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Unfortunately you seemed to think that he was a good option to date or pursue a romance without hardly being employed for longer than a month or knowing him very well.

Yes. I sympathize with your embarrassment but I think you jumped the gun a bit. Fact is, some people are flirtatious and touchy-feely with everyone. That could be poor judgment or poor boundaries on their part, but you still have to lookout for yourself and think before you react. Get to know people a little before diving in. Two weeks is not enough time.

[catfeeder]

This may sound easy for someone else to say, but I would avoid drilling myself deeper into embarrassment. Just the opposite--I would coach myself into chalking this off as no big deal.

The guy behaved like a jerk, and that reflects on him, not you.

Honestly, people don't actually care about this stuff enough to carry around any memory of it when it's not about them. So don't make this bigger in your own mind than it really is to anyone else.

Be kind at work, but limit your social interactions with coworkers to lightweight acquaintanceships. While some of those might evolve over t.i.m.e. into degrees of actual friendship, your job is not your primary social pool, and it's certainly not a practical source of dating material.

Head high, be friendly and unfazed and resilient. Make your work speak for you, and you'll thank yourself later.