boyfriend is upset about me going to a male strip club

[Anonymous]

I have never been, I'm only going once, its not something I'd make a habit of, its just a celebration. He says he understands, but to me, he doesn't, or he wouldn't be upset. Whats his problem?
My boyfriend of over 2 years say he understands that i want to experience it, but is uncomfortable about it. He keeps repeating that, just because he went to strip clubs doesn't mean i should, and it doesn't make it okay. He says he cant stop me, and if i wanna go, he will get over it. I don't understand why he is making such a big deal? 

[melancholy123]

So it's ok for him to go to the strip club but not for you to go?  That's quite the double standard.

If you want to go,  go, since he has no valid reason for you not to go.  

[smackie9]

I know what is happening....he's projecting guilt. He's not a good boy when he goes and sees the peelers...there's a strong possibly he's been getting lap dances. And the thought of you getting a lap dance with another man is what is getting him all yancey. 

You go sista and have a great time! 

[Anonymous]

1 hour ago, Guest Anonymous said:

He says he understands, but to me, he doesn't, or he wouldn't be upset.

Is it a party for someone? If so he needs to grow up and stop badgering you. He's controlling, that's all. This is not about the nature of this party, he just wants to be a jerk about it. If you reflect he's been a controlling jerk about other things.

[Rose Mosse]

1 hour ago, Guest Anonymous said:

I have never been, I'm only going once, its not something I'd make a habit of, its just a celebration. He says he understands, but to me, he doesn't, or he wouldn't be upset. Whats his problem?
My boyfriend of over 2 years say he understands that i want to experience it, but is uncomfortable about it. He keeps repeating that, just because he went to strip clubs doesn't mean i should, and it doesn't make it okay. He says he cant stop me, and if i wanna go, he will get over it. I don't understand why he is making such a big deal? 

Is he ignoring you or stonewalling you, implying that you are not a good person for going or calling you names and making other insinuations? This part isn't clear.

It doesn't sound like he's making a big deal out of it. He just doesn't share your enthusiasm and he is allowed to have an opinion. Go if you want to go. You don't need his validation or agreement for that. 

 

[DancingFool]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

I know what is happening....he's projecting guilt. He's not a good boy when he goes and sees the peelers...there's a strong possibly he's been getting lap dances. And the thought of you getting a lap dance with another man is what is getting him all yancey. 

You go sista and have a great time! 

Yup, this ^ totally. It's eating at him because of what he does when he goes. Totally projecting and nothing to do with you. Go and have fun. He will just have to get over himself. What's good for the goose.......

[SooSad33]

Just sounds like a form of jealousy,  Can be a touchy subject for some.

But, he needs to realize you are allowed!  Just as he is.

He knows what it's like at those places.  Is not like you're going to run away with one, fps 😕 .

He need to calm down & just accept the facts.. and respect the fact that you ARE going out to one.

YOU are an adult now & have rights to choose your own entertainment.  Is really no big deal, in the end.

I'd give him a few words though, IF he keeps it up for months to come!

 

[Blue_Skirt]

I don’t like strip clubs, male or female, but what I like even less is a double standard.

So just go if it is something you would like to go to.

[mylolita]

Good evening OP!

 

Sorry I couldn’t help myself here! I used to be a female lap dancer/stripper/pole dancer - worked in various clubs, gentlemen’s bars! However you want to put it! 
 

As your boyfriend will know, having been to the female version himself, is that these places are sexually charged and depending on where you go can either be done in an extremely sophisticated and classy way or can be pretty grim and seedy - but! To put anyone’s jealous mind at rest, the women or I imagine the men working there are there for one thing and one thing mostly only and that is, your money. You are just a little dollar sign walking around. They want your dance, and not normally you. So if he thinks you are gonna be tempted to run off with a male stripper I doubt it’s likely.

 

Maybe he doesn’t like the idea of you admiring and getting hot under the collar for a stranger? Getting close and basically rubbed on (the male dancers are far worse on average than female ones abs tend to go a lot further in my experience!) 

 

If he was really against it I would say, you have to respect your partner within reason and I would advise maybe leave it for another time, another season of your life when things and attitudes might evolve but, he seems kind of like he’s pretending to be okay and then guilt tripping you subtly? Not very good! I feel like you may be in for a big argument when you come home from your girls night out, or a lot of jealousy fuelled questions. 
 

Maybe you need to have a bit of a proper conversation and really ask him why and what bothers him? To get to the bottom of his emotions? What is it that he is not comfortable with? Could you turn the tables on yourself? Would you be happy for him to go then the week after and hit up a female strip joint? You have to both be cool with it both ways for this to work harmoniously and not cause a problem. Sometimes these arguments seem silly but are really about a bigger issue.

 

I am not saying do everything he asks or pleases but I think both ways, you both deserve to know why and have your feelings respected. When he went to clubs, was he even with you? All things you guys maybe could do with talking about before it gets *** for tat.

 

My advice? Go do something saucy together if you guys have a naughty streak, that way no one is getting left out. Joint massages, jacuzzi and weekend hotel break, other things of course! I get this is a one off event but he seems to be getting a pet lip about it and there will be a reason behind that.

 

All the best!

 

x

[Anonymous]

Quote

When he went to clubs, was he even with you?

I was not with him when he went to strip clubs, it was something he wanted to do alone or with his friend. He would feel uncomfortable if i was there. I feel like he did indeed enjoy himself a little to much and now hes worried I might do the same.

[j.man]

Wait so did this dude go to strip clubs while he was exclusive with you?  Kind of a key detail if we're gonna be calling him out for a double standard or if he just happens to have simply been to them and has different boundaries when he's single vs. when he's committed.  

In any case, I'd go if you wanna go.  Personally they're not my cup of tea, but if my wife had friends invite her to a strip club for some kind of yaaas queen celebration, it wouldn't be any hill I'd care to die on.  Particularly if he has been to strip clubs while committed to you, I'd take him at his word.  He's told you both that he "understands" and that he'll get over it.  We don't have to enjoy every decision our partners make, so just see if he lives up to the getting over it bit.  If he gets tiffy or insists on holding a grudge over it, there's your sign.  

ETA:  You replied a split second before I hit submit-- disregard me inquiring on the order of events!

[Anonymous]

54 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Good evening OP!

 

Sorry I couldn’t help myself here! I used to be a female lap dancer/stripper/pole dancer - worked in various clubs, gentlemen’s bars! However you want to put it! 
 

As your boyfriend will know, having been to the female version himself, is that these places are sexually charged and depending on where you go can either be done in an extremely sophisticated and classy way or can be pretty grim and seedy - but! To put anyone’s jealous mind at rest, the women or I imagine the men working there are there for one thing and one thing mostly only and that is, your money. You are just a little dollar sign walking around. They want your dance, and not normally you. So if he thinks you are gonna be tempted to run off with a male stripper I doubt it’s likely.

 

Maybe he doesn’t like the idea of you admiring and getting hot under the collar for a stranger? Getting close and basically rubbed on (the male dancers are far worse on average than female ones abs tend to go a lot further in my experience!) 

 

If he was really against it I would say, you have to respect your partner within reason and I would advise maybe leave it for another time, another season of your life when things and attitudes might evolve but, he seems kind of like he’s pretending to be okay and then guilt tripping you subtly? Not very good! I feel like you may be in for a big argument when you come home from your girls night out, or a lot of jealousy fuelled questions. 
 

Maybe you need to have a bit of a proper conversation and really ask him why and what bothers him? To get to the bottom of his emotions? What is it that he is not comfortable with? Could you turn the tables on yourself? Would you be happy for him to go then the week after and hit up a female strip joint? You have to both be cool with it both ways for this to work harmoniously and not cause a problem. Sometimes these arguments seem silly but are really about a bigger issue.

 

I am not saying do everything he asks or pleases but I think both ways, you both deserve to know why and have your feelings respected. When he went to clubs, was he even with you? All things you guys maybe could do with talking about before it gets *** for tat.

 

My advice? Go do something saucy together if you guys have a naughty streak, that way no one is getting left out. Joint massages, jacuzzi and weekend hotel break, other things of course! I get this is a one off event but he seems to be getting a pet lip about it and there will be a reason behind that.

 

All the best!

 

x

 

Just now, j.man said:

Wait so did this dude go to strip clubs while he was exclusive with you?  Kind of a key detail if we're gonna be calling him out for a double standard or if he just happens to have simply been to them and has different boundaries when he's single vs. when he's committed.  

In any case, I'd go if you wanna go.  Personally they're not my cup of tea, but if my wife had friends invite her to a strip club for some kind of yaaas queen celebration, it wouldn't be any hill I'd care to die on.  Particularly if he has been to strip clubs while committed to you, I'd take him at his word.  He's told you both that he "understands" and that he'll get over it.  We don't have to enjoy every decision our partners make, so just see if he lives up to the getting over it bit.  If he gets tiffy or insists on holding a grudge over it, there's your sign.  

He did, we've been exclusive for over 2 years, and he actually started going to strip clubs, after we became exclusive, he said he'd never been before.

[j.man]

3 minutes ago, Guest Anonymous said:

He did, we've been exclusive for over 2 years, and he actually started going to strip clubs, after we became exclusive, he said he'd never been before.

I say go have fun.  He doesn't have a real leg to stand on, especially considering you at least seem to really only be going because your friends invited you to a one-off celebration.  It'd be an extra level of rich for him to get meaningfully upset when in his context, he didn't even have that excuse.  Dude just went to look at some live knockers.  

You had your conversation and he gave you his assurances, even if it seems kinda pouty.  It's not really a matter of permission, so I wouldn't delve into how it makes him personally feel and keep dragging that matter out.  Again, he doesn't have to enjoy it.  But he either learns to accept you doing the same **** he's done or he doesn't.  How he deals with you enjoying the same freedoms he enjoys is about as good a litmus test as anything else.  

[mylolita]

Hey OP!

 

So he has been to the clubs before he met you and once you were exclusive? Is that right?

 

If so j.man is right! Double standards! Curious to know what his reasoning is as to why you can’t go? Especially if this is a one time group thing not even instigated by you? Strange. Potentially sounds like, double standards and jealousy and a bit of possessiveness! 
 

I was kinda presuming even though I asked that the clubs were something he had done when single!

 

How do you feel about him going too them? 

 

Lo x

[Anonymous]

37 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Hey OP!

 

So he has been to the clubs before he met you and once you were exclusive? Is that right?

 

If so j.man is right! Double standards! Curious to know what his reasoning is as to why you can’t go? Especially if this is a one time group thing not even instigated by you? Strange. Potentially sounds like, double standards and jealousy and a bit of possessiveness! 
 

I was kinda presuming even though I asked that the clubs were something he had done when single!

 

How do you feel about him going too them? 

 

Lo x

to clarify. when he was single he didn't go, he said he felt too nervous and awkward about going to a strip club. but after about a year of us dating his friend got into a fight with his girl, and went to the strip club and my boyfriend went. Ive been fine with him going as long as it isn't frequent, and he doesn't neglect me because if it. i told him if he makes a fuss when the time comes for me to go, I'm leaving him. you should treat people the way you want to be treated. double standards aren't okay. its not the 1800's, i work, pay my own bills and should be given the same freedom, as i gave you.

[mylolita]

1 minute ago, Guest Anonymous said:

to clarify. when he was single he didn't go, he said he felt too nervous and awkward about going to a strip club. but after about a year of us dating his friend got into a fight with his girl, and went to the strip club and my boyfriend went. Ive been fine with him going as long as it isn't frequent, and he doesn't neglect me because if it. i told him if he makes a fuss when the time comes for me to go, I'm leaving him. you should treat people the way you want to be treated. double standards aren't okay. its not the 1800's, i work, pay my own bills and should be given the same freedom, as i gave you.

I agree OP!

 

Well different story if he started going once you guys were together and then wants to pull out the kinda hurt gonna blackmail you about it card! 
 

Yes go enjoy the night, he has trust issues or insecurity or something but it’s not cool!

 

x

[smackie9]

I worked ladies nights for 4 years and I also went to strip clubs too with my male friends and with my husband and his friends. The two are totally different experiences. Strippers on a little stage on a pole, sometime two or three stages with strippers going on at the same time, crawling on the floor, bending,posing, humping, collecting tips, some use chairs, showers, sitting in an over sized champagne glass for effect. You don't have guys screaming, the energy is low on that. I have seen guys playing the sports games and not even watch. 

ladies night is a couple of hundred screaming women around a stage, male strippers, have themes, and energetic dancing. Occasionally some lucky lady will get some attention from a dancer, money get's put in the g-string, etc. It's more of a show/performance, and IMO way more fun/entertaining. 

OP you will have a great time! 

Now some cities have different regulations. Some don't allow genital exposure. So I don't know if you are going to see penis or not. Here in Canada, if you can find a show, it's total full on hard on. 

[Wiseman2]

23 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

I was not with him when he went to strip clubs, it was something he wanted to do alone or with his friend. I feel like he did indeed enjoy himself a little to much and now hes worried I might do the same.

Is this a bachelorette party or are you simply trying to get even/make a point?

 

[mylolita]

11 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I worked ladies nights for 4 years and I also went to strip clubs too with my male friends and with my husband and his friends. The two are totally different experiences. Strippers on a little stage on a pole, sometime two or three stages with strippers going on at the same time, crawling on the floor, bending,posing, humping, collecting tips, some use chairs, showers, sitting in an over sized champagne glass for effect. You don't have guys screaming, the energy is low on that. I have seen guys playing the sports games and not even watch. 

ladies night is a couple of hundred screaming women around a stage, male strippers, have themes, and energetic dancing. Occasionally some lucky lady will get some attention from a dancer, money get's put in the g-string, etc. It's more of a show/performance, and IMO way more fun/entertaining. 

OP you will have a great time! 

Now some cities have different regulations. Some don't allow genital exposure. So I don't know if you are going to see penis or not. Here in Canada, if you can find a show, it's total full on hard on. 

THIS IS SO TRUE! 
 

Nail on head! These men to qualify have to have ripped abs, eating fire skills or whatever and all do it to synchronised dance. Ha! You get a moody woman bored slowly turning herself round a pole with the least effort sometimes possible. Always said a trillion more is expected from the men! 
 

And yes agree full on boner. 
 

Omg there is something funny about the male version but more serious about the female version. Men describe female strip clubs as “woman church” hahaha it does hold a revered, sacred atmosphere to their chosen deity, that being, the one bending over on stage!