I feel bad for hurting my gf..

[Aarnav]

My gf(19) and I(19) are having fights over this week about my friends. Her ex overshared things about her with my friends and my friends entertained him. And without knowing things properly I defended my friends. I also tried to cover up for them which I realise now that it was a mistake. I have let her down.She is upset with me that I didn't have the blind trust on her to believe in her when she told me that my friends did something wrong and I handled things poorly. Now she thinks I'm incapable of handling drama and I'm not mature enough for her yet. So she won't be telling me things and she'll handle whatever drama happens with her on her own.This makes me feel distant from her.

I have hurt her and broken her trust on me since I defended my friends instead of supporting her on this..She told me that everything will be normal once she feels I mature enough to handle things.

I feel bad for hurting her. I'm scared I might lose her.

I've been contemplating on how to make things right but I can't find a way.

 

Ps:- This is my first relationship while it's her 3rd.Is my inexperience the root if these problem?

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Aarnav said:

. Her ex overshared things about her with my friends . 

Why are your friends gossiping with her exbf about her?

In a way, you, your friends and her exbf betrayed her.

She is right to not confide in you. Let her cool off and from now on decide if your friends and their gossiping about her are more important.

 

 

 

[adviceplease2]

Going to have to win trust back, that takes time and patience.  Some things just can't be rushed.

Admitting you screwed up and addressing the issue in yourself to learn from it and see it when its coming again.....you must do.  Learn.

[Jibralta]

45 minutes ago, Aarnav said:

I've been contemplating on how to make things right but I can't find a way.

Hopefully you'll know better for your next relationship.

[Aarnav]

47 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why are your friends gossiping with her exbf about?

This happened even before I met her.My friends met him and her(not together)even before I did.They gave him attention and he spit out things.

47 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

 

 

 

[SherrySher]

Just be honest with her and tell her exactly what you've said here, that you made a mistake, you feel bad for not trusting her and you chose to trust the wrong people and you were wrong.

Maturity is about admitting when you're wrong, not trying to hide it, and not being afraid to own up to it.

Once you let her know you were wrong, then tell her you will continue to work on yourself and the relationship you two have.

End of.

Don't grovel, don't be submissive, that's not the objective here.

All you want to do is own up to being wrong and repair the damage by gaining trust again and building your friendship with her to be strong again.

[WaywardKiwi]

1 hour ago, Aarnav said:

Her ex overshared things about her with my friends and my friends entertained him. And without knowing things properly I defended my friends. I also tried to cover up for them which I realise now that it was a mistake...She is upset with me that I didn't have the blind trust on her to believe in her when she told me that my friends did something wrong

50 minutes ago, Aarnav said:

This happened even before I met her.My friends met him and her(not together)even before I did.They gave him attention and he spit out things.

Hey Aarnav,

You appear to accept responsibility for your part in the fight, and, to be honest, without knowing more details on what exactly you did and/or said, I am not sure you deserve to feel so guilty. It appears to me that her ex-bf broke her trust by divuleging this information, and as it was prior to you even knowing this girl, I can't see what obligation your friends had to stop him. I guess these friends then chose to pass on this information to you when you started dating her; again, unless they have a friendship with her too, their obligation is to protect you if they have some potential knowledge you don't. I would further imagine that you confronted your girlfriend with that information, and “covered-up” but not immediately volunteering where you came by it? Finally, I would posit that your true crime, then, is that you did not afford your now gf with the benefit of the doubt, and approached her in an adversarial or accustive way.

While that may be poor form, and demonstrate immaturity, from my perspective, punishing you with withholding behaviour, such as she is doing, is equally immature. Furthermore, the following quote is concerning:

2 hours ago, Aarnav said:

Now she thinks I'm incapable of handling drama and I'm not mature enough for her yet. So she won't be telling me things and she'll handle whatever drama happens with her on her own.

Is she frequently handling drama, particularly involving ex boyfriends? That for me would be a major red flag and indicative of some real maturity issues on her side as well. 

As I said, the facts you give are limited, and I don't necessarily want to know. I just know it takes two to tango, and I would not be so quick to take the entire blame and brand yourself the villian entirely. 

T

[smackie9]

 You guys are young and still learning things about life....your friends are immature yes...but I can see how anyone would seize an opportunity to get some juicy gossip and without thinking, not see how rude it is. Human nature.

Damage control. You are going to have to admit, your friends did something bad, and you will address it with them..man up! The rest is take blame for your behavior...do some grovelling to win her over. If she puts up a fight, pull away and let her kool off. She may lash out from time to time...it's just her way of venting her hurt. Hopefully it will blow over soon.

[Rose Mosse]

On 12/21/2021 at 2:23 AM, Aarnav said:

My gf(19) and I(19) are having fights over this week about my friends. Her ex overshared things about her with my friends and my friends entertained him. And without knowing things properly I defended my friends. I also tried to cover up for them which I realise now that it was a mistake. I have let her down.She is upset with me that I didn't have the blind trust on her to believe in her when she told me that my friends did something wrong and I handled things poorly. Now she thinks I'm incapable of handling drama and I'm not mature enough for her yet. So she won't be telling me things and she'll handle whatever drama happens with her on her own.This makes me feel distant from her.

I have hurt her and broken her trust on me since I defended my friends instead of supporting her on this..She told me that everything will be normal once she feels I mature enough to handle things.

I feel bad for hurting her. I'm scared I might lose her.

I've been contemplating on how to make things right but I can't find a way.

 

Ps:- This is my first relationship while it's her 3rd.Is my inexperience the root if these problem?

Is she still speaking with you?

[Lambert]

some times we learn things the hard way.

The only apology worth a damn is one that comes with changed behavior. 

Hopefully you'll get through this together.  If not, it stinks but it is an important lesson. A person with a strong character isn't really going to play little games about what your friends think and they will expect more loyalty. 

In all this, you should be re-evaluating your friendships. And if you think they are good friends, you should set them straight about being cool to your girlfriend. 

It's really not asking too much. if a friend is a friend of mine, I expect they will respect all my friends. They don't have to hang with them or like them but respect them as someone that is also important to me.