The man I like doesn’t like me back

[kim42]

21 minutes ago, greendots said:

He's not necessarily going to chase you (e.g. contact you) if you don't make it evident that you're interested in him. I'd say that at a next event flirt with him. Generally, no amount of chasing will change a disinterested man's opinion. But an interested man will lose interest if things don't move forward.

Remember that you're after a date, not chatting back and forth on social media. 🙂

This is true, that's why I was excited to see him again so I can talk to him in real life, but honestly I was kind of disappointed with the conversation we had. I talked to several men at that event and none of them left to get fresh air, it was weird. 

I'll see how I feel next time I see him right now I think I should just move on.

[DancingFool]

3 hours ago, kim42 said:

2 of them are too old for me, and one is honestly a bit creepy, he sent me a message the moment he left the event.

That's the trouble with being too passive, isn't it? You get "chased" by undesirables who will chase anyone with a pulse.

Anyway, there is a big difference between chasing after someone who isn't interested and showing interest and effectively inviting the guy to step up if he is interested. If you feel you've done your part to give him the green light and no dice, then you don't have a choice but to shift your interest and attention to someone else.

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, kim42 said:

 I was kind of disappointed with the conversation we had.

Ok. No chemistry. What did you like about him? make a list of characteristics that attract you and look for that.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, greendots said:

He's not necessarily going to chase you (e.g. contact you)

Asking someone out on a date or contacting is not chasing.  Chasing shouldn't happen nor should someone expect to be chased.  I cannot stand that connotation/reference because it sets up a dynamic especially for women where they feel like they are chasing just because they go up to a man and start a conversation, flirt and/or ask him out.

[kim42]

I wasn't chasing him or anything, I'm not actually sure now if I even flirted with him, I think I was just friendly because I was expecting him to pursue me.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I wasn't chasing him or anything, I'm not actually sure now if I even flirted with him, I think I was just friendly because I was expecting him to pursue me.

That's not chasing.  Him asking you out is not any aggressive form of pursuing.  It's just asking a person on a date.  Some men need a bit of encouragement, harmless flirting.  My husband said he finally got up the courage to ask me out (he was in his late 20s, we worked for the same company, not in the same department, huge company and he was so very very shy!!) because he said that at a company event I lightly touched his arm while we were chatting.

  I sort of remembered that and remembered I didn't mean anything by it.  But he thought so, it gave him encouragement.  For the first "date" he just asked me out for a lunch during the work day so that it was vague -meaning if it wasn't appropriate it was just lunch between coworkers.  

I literally chased him once.  We ended our engagement and I left the ring in our apartment from which I was going to move out -we'd lived together about a month or less.  A few days later it was his birthday.  I was on a commuter railroad coming home from girls night out at around midnight.  Going to our former apartment until I moved out (but he had already).  He entered my train car (!!) -never ever ran into him before. He didn't see me.  I thought he did.  I missed him so.  I called to him but he started walking quickly away -to try to get a seat in another car.  I felt an adrenaline rush so in my little skirt and heels I literally chased him -through two train cars -until I caught up -I was in tears thinking he was avoiding me.  He wasn't.  We made quite a scene that night.  We did not get back together until 7 years and 8 months later.  I never had to chase him again.  That is chasing.  Not what you described. 

[junebug123]

13 hours ago, greendots said:

This! I missed some incredible opportunities because I didn't step up.

Cute guy approached me, conversation flowed. But as I was a total noob that didn't know that a man approaching you signaled initial interest, well, I played it safe. I thought, if he's really interested he'll pursue me relentlessly as it had happened before. Well, he didn't. He moved on to someone more engaging. The end. Literally.

So, please, don't be like my former self as it gets you nowhere. Make it very evident that you're flirting, see his reaction. What do you have to lose? 🙂

Yeah, I agree with this post. Sometimes guys who are more introverted spend a lot of energy approaching women and trying to get a read on them.

If a girl I approached was reciprocated the type of attention I was putting forward, then things would have flowed smoothly. However, I understand that some women are unsure of what a men’s intentions are.

It kind of puts the guy in a deadlocked situation especially if he’s juggling a lot. In those types of situations I usually just move on assuming that if the girl was interested she would just let me know, rather then playing games.

The last thing I want to do is to keep throwing myself at a women who is unsure herself... 

[junebug123]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

I wasn't chasing him or anything, I'm not actually sure now if I even flirted with him, I think I was just friendly because I was expecting him to pursue me.

I would just say lesson learned. On to the next. Seems like ego sometimes gets in the way of things we want in life.

If your young, could just be he doesn’t have a lot of experience with women. But I’m more leaning towards what another posted said about him just not being interested.

[Coldarmy13]

On 12/8/2021 at 4:51 PM, kim42 said:

I never told him or asked him out but I think he knows. 

As a man, I supremely appreciate a woman not afraid to shoot her shot. We have to do it all the time to find out if anyone is interested in us. If I feel That my interest is one’s sided or playing the “chase me” game, I lose interest quickly.

[kim42]

13 hours ago, Coldarmy13 said:

As a man, I supremely appreciate a woman not afraid to shoot her shot. We have to do it all the time to find out if anyone is interested in us. If I feel That my interest is one’s sided or playing the “chase me” game, I lose interest quickly.

That's good to know, however, he shows little interest, he didn't text me after the event so I take it as a no.

[DancingFool]

5 hours ago, kim42 said:

That's good to know, however, he shows little interest, he didn't text me after the event so I take it as a no.

Here are some questions you need to ask yourself and give some serious thought to:

Why should the guy chase you? Being pretty will make him come over and talk to you, but from there on out, were you engaging? Was the convo fun, flirty, interesting, any or all of that? None of that?

Why should he text you after the event? Did you give him a reason when you were chatting?

What I'm driving at is that you really need to step away from this idea that your mere existence should be reason enough for men to chase you. That will only leave you fending off unwanted attention from creeps and players who will "chase" anything with a pulse (sometimes optional).

To paraphrase what I've heard from many close guy friends and guys I've dated, "I'll only chase when I'm fairly certain she wants to be caught." Meaning, they will only put in the effort when the interest is clearly mutual and that click is there. So if you are holding your cards too close to your chest and come across as cold and not interested, good guys will walk way even if they think you are hot and they were interested when they came over to chat. Only toxic types will try to "make you come out of your shell."

[Coily]

To also plant this seed, some men have really horrific dating experiences and will find it hard to read subtle clues. Some of us guys are kind of clueless with subtle hints or mere existence being the green light to engage with someone.

Being told "No" is never fun for anyone, but it's the risk we take to weed out the dandelions from the roses. I think it's high time you ask him directly.

 

[catfeeder]

On 12/9/2021 at 6:11 AM, kim42 said:

To be honest, I'm afraid to make it very evident that I like him, I'm rather shy around guys, and I think I've been "spoiled" because I am used to men making the first step, texting me etc. (I hope it doesn't sound arrogant). I mean he has my social media, he could send me a message or something.

I also don't want be too direct because if he rejects me, I'll probably still see him at these group events - we have the same hobby - and it might be just awkward. 

Well, since you withheld evidence of your interest, he likely read that as disinterest, and then, boom! Done.

If you're not willing to be encouraging by matching a guy's slightest show of interest with your own, then you're going to seriously limit your dating pool--by a lot.

What, exactly, IS the big risk of letting someone know you're interested? I mean, what's the worst that can happen? (...that isn't happening already...)

The easiest way that I learned how to demonstrate interest is to treat potential dates with the same degree of welcoming curiosity that I treat most new people I meet. I'm warm, I ask open ended questions to encourage them to talk about themselves, and I observe how enthusiastically they are willing to engage.

Sure, some people are distracted by other things at a party or event and may not engage to the degree that kicks off big simpatico, but in essence, I've risked ZERO. I've offered kind attention that might pick up and pay off later, or at the very least, I've made a new acquaintance that will either blossom someday or be forgotten. No harm, no foul.

Head high, and consider, exactly, what you're afraid of.

[kim42]

17 hours ago, DancingFool said:

Here are some questions you need to ask yourself and give some serious thought to:

Why should the guy chase you? Being pretty will make him come over and talk to you, but from there on out, were you engaging? Was the convo fun, flirty, interesting, any or all of that? None of that?

Why should he text you after the event? Did you give him a reason when you were chatting?

What I'm driving at is that you really need to step away from this idea that your mere existence should be reason enough for men to chase you. That will only leave you fending off unwanted attention from creeps and players who will "chase" anything with a pulse (sometimes optional).

To paraphrase what I've heard from many close guy friends and guys I've dated, "I'll only chase when I'm fairly certain she wants to be caught." Meaning, they will only put in the effort when the interest is clearly mutual and that click is there. So if you are holding your cards too close to your chest and come across as cold and not interested, good guys will walk way even if they think you are hot and they were interested when they came over to chat. Only toxic types will try to "make you come out of your shell."

This comment is very insightful, thank you.

I think I've been always told to wait for the man to make a move, and I think I just don't want to seem desperate and clingy. I know there's a difference between showing interest and acting desperate, but it's like I have this mental block that I don't want to show it if I like someone, and I just wait for him to do something.

I've always believed the guy will chase after a girl if he really likes her but I've been probably holding onto this idea too much. It's not like I feel entitled and expect every guy to chase me, it comes from my shyness and probably fear too. I'm afraid of coming off as needy, while I know there is nothing wrong with being fun and engaging when talking to someone, as you said. 

Our convo was a little awkward, definitely not flirty, he seemed a little nervous I guess.  I asked him some questions but looking back I was more fun and just myself with other guys I talked to, I was more shy around him.

[Wiseman2]

On 12/8/2021 at 4:32 PM, kim42 said:

He approached me and we talked for a while, but then he said he needed fresh air and went outside.

Ok. That's fine. Not everyone we're attracted to is going to result in dating. You're not doing anything wrong and no, you don't have to chase clearly uninterested men.

In this case he wasn't interested in the conversation and excused himself. That's ok too. Just move forward and next time at a party, talk to everyone just a bit rather than just people you're attracted to. Make the rounds.

[kim42]

24 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. That's fine. Not everyone we're attracted to is going to result in dating. You're not doing anything wrong and no, you don't have to chase clearly uninterested men.

In this case he wasn't interested in the conversation and excused himself. That's ok too. Just move forward and next time at a party, talk to everyone just a bit rather than just people you're attracted to. Make the rounds.

Oh I talked to many people, it was not just him, I wouldn't have talked to him myself if he hadn't approached me.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, kim42 said:

I've always believed the guy will chase after a girl if he really likes her but I've been probably holding onto this idea too much. It's not like I feel entitled and expect every guy to chase me, it comes from my shyness and probably fear too. I'm afraid of coming off as needy, while I know there is nothing wrong with being fun and engaging when talking to someone, as you said. 

What does chasing look like?  Why do you want someone to chase you? I think in general it works best if the man asks out the woman mostly in the beginning. I think in many many cases the woman has to show proactive interest which doesn't need to be asking out on a date.  Interest means setting things up so you're regularly in situations where it's natural to make conversation and initiating conversations with men who seem interesting to you and/or attractive, whatever. 

Flirting as appropriate (I mean harder to do -at all! - if a professional setting).  I suggested a number of first meets and contacted a number of men through dating sites and I let the men ask me out for the first official date after we met.  

Sure let the man ask you out -I get it -that's not chasing.  Talking to you or asking for your number or flirting -not chasing.  Chasing to me is a man who asks a woman out more than once after hearing "no", overwhelming a woman with attention, gifts, etc.  

It also depends what your goal is - to be chased or to find a good match or something else? 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, H8testosterone said:

well of course you didn't ask him out, because thats why guys have always done and always will do, that will never change

I asked a number of men out on dates.  I asked a number of men to meet in person through dating sites. I frequently started conversations with and flirted with men I was interested in.  I crossed a crowded conference room to introduce myself to my future husband on his first day of work and my 40th.  Just to be a good coworker. Little did I know.  

What was true when I dated - late 70s until July 2005 - was that men were flattered by being asked out.  Often said yes. Often went on dates or had a casual relationship with the woman.  

But if the woman asked the man out especially more than once in the beginning that often took the wind out of the sails of a more typical man - a man who had a typical approach to being “the man” in a heterosexual relationship.  Sorry if that sounds  sexist. Not really sorry. Asking to meet in person through a dating site is not asking a person out on a date - it’s a pre-date   So I did that and it was a good way to meet more men  

Saw this happen so many times with me and friends and male friends “I mean I thought I liked her but … I mean … it’s so great she’s asking me out but ….”  But he was just not that into her.  Just a bit turned off by having her take control of the dating plans.  When I wanted a fling I didn’t care.  Or to casually date I didn’t care. But I wanted a husband. I wasn’t turned on by men who would have been turned on by me asking them out more than once when we first met.

They seemed just a bit too passive or insecure or both for me.  And I wanted to marry. A good match for me so I was fine asking men out.  Not fine risking being a turn off at the fragile time of first impressions. I also wasn’t the one who proposed.  But I showed interest in many other ways. In active ways. In enthusiastic ways.  And I was good at flirting - came naturally to me. My extremely shy - shy back then - husband asked me out on a date once I showed friendliness and interest.  Not a full blown date. But lunch. At a nice restaurant. Sort of a middle ground to gauge my interest level.  Asked me out for drinks a week or so later. When he was more sure I’d be responsive.  He’s a traditional guy. Works for me. 

I know of very few long term happy relationships where the woman did most of the asking out on dates in the beginning of the relationship.  I would have had it a lot easier if I could have done more of the asking. It was fine with me to do so. 

[DancingFool]

35 minutes ago, H8testosterone said:

i was being sarcastic and speaking of my lifelong resentment of how its normally always expected of guys to make the first move and be the initiator

Soo you hate that men are in control and do the picking and choosing and all a woman can do is sit and pray that the right guy will pick her?

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, H8testosterone said:

i was being sarcastic and speaking of my lifelong resentment of how its normally always expected of guys to make the first move and be the initiator

I don't think so - maybe asking out on a date - as a general rule - but first move/initiating? Nope - IMHO.