Good Looks vs. Average Looks - Does it impact contentment?

[RayKay]

Honestly, I don't hold much credit to this observation that the "average people always seem happier and more successful in relationships than the beauitful people".

 

It does have to do with confidence, and a persons own sense of internal worth as well. A "beautiful" child and an "average" child (not sure what would be meant by either one honestly to your definitions) raised in a healthy positive manner with a good base of self confidence will both be great people - both may find themselves making mistakes in relationships, and both may find happiness at some point. Bad relationships happen to us all

 

Now either child may battle self esteem issues, and have a harder time. But the beautiful person will be the one we "see" because we will be like "oh, but they are so gorgeous, whatever problems could they have?". Maybe some of it is envy. The average person, well they are "average" so "it happens to average people". It's all about perception. Perhaps the beautiful people have problems from leering guys, but the average girls are not immune from that either. Where being "beautiful" may be a problem is when they have counted on their appearance alone, but I think this case is not the norm. I know people of all sizes, shapes and appearances, and all have their own selves, their own levels of esteem and something beyond the appearance in most cases.

 

I don't think it is MORE common for a gorgeous person to switch relationships, I think that we just notice it more. I think there are as many average people who go through a few. I know many "model hot" people who have dated far less than "average". And I don't think its always a matter of thinking they can do better or not being satisfied - they have the same rights as "average people" to just know when something is not "right" for them in a relationship! We are not in every relationship to know the real reasons it ended...I have felt like something was just not right and moved on as well, and had same done to me. If I was a model would I be accused of being too picky?

 

Whether you are "model hot" or "girl next door" the more confident and at peace with yourself you are inside and out, the more radiant and beautiful you are. More so, the more COMPLETE as a person you are, the more likely you will have a healthy, balanced, successful relationship. As for the beautiful being critical of themselves, I think that also happens with almost everyone, some hide it better than others. How do you know the average person is not critical or hiding their insecurities? For me I do do this, but for me its also motivational. I also love myself, but am hard on myself when it comes to going to the gym, working out, eating right, maintaining healthy relationships, improving my mind and my life in general. It does not mean I am not happy though

 

Whatever you look like, ultimately contentment comes from within. Its the old saying, that until you love yourself, you have no love to give another or can you expect someone to love you. And I think that "happiness within" does not come from how we are on the outside, but how we take what we are given in life and run with it, how we prioritize our lives, how we treat others, how we maintain relationships, how we improve in ourselves where we feel we are lacking and so on. Strive to be the best YOU can be.

[ShySoul]

Whatever you look like, ultimately contentment comes from within. Its the old saying, that until you love yourself, you have no love to give another or can you expect someone to love you. And I think that "happiness within" does not come from how we are on the outside, but how we take what we are given in life and run with it, how we prioritize our lives, how we treat others, how we maintain relationships, how we improve in ourselves where we feel we are lacking and so on. Strive to be the best YOU can be.

 

Yep. Just one question RayKay: How did you get to be so wise?

[RayKay]

 

Yep. Just one question RayKay: How did you get to be so wise?

 

By a lot of time not being so wise, and a lot of life experience - both the good and the bad!

[Empathy]

Whatever you look like, ultimately contentment comes from within. Its the old saying, that until you love yourself, you have no love to give another or can you expect someone to love you. And I think that "happiness within" does not come from how we are on the outside, but how we take what we are given in life and run with it, how we prioritize our lives, how we treat others, how we maintain relationships, how we improve in ourselves where we feel we are lacking and so on. Strive to be the best YOU can be.

 

That's the way things should be, but sadly they aren't. At least from my experience and what research says, they aren't. At least as far as getting somewhere in life is concerned. Especially on the job market. It also just depends on the person as well.

[RayKay]

Whatever you look like, ultimately contentment comes from within. Its the old saying, that until you love yourself, you have no love to give another or can you expect someone to love you. And I think that "happiness within" does not come from how we are on the outside, but how we take what we are given in life and run with it, how we prioritize our lives, how we treat others, how we maintain relationships, how we improve in ourselves where we feel we are lacking and so on. Strive to be the best YOU can be.

 

That's the way things should be, but sadly they aren't. At least from my experience and what research says, they aren't. At least as far as getting somewhere in life is concerned. Especially on the job market. It also just depends on the person as well.

 

But this is not about "getting somewhere in life" - your perception of "getting somewhere" is probably different then mine. For me, relationships are my priority. Yes my career is important, and I am even going back to school, but ultimately what matters most to ME is my family & friends and my own inner balance. I will not compromise my happiness to make more money for example.

 

And I guarantee, even on the job market, that those in the long term who rate themselves successful are those who are content and happy with whom they are and also have fostered relationships over making big big bucks at the expense of their family.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

I don't mean to be arrogant or anything, but, I'd say im on the more good looking end of the spectrum then the average. The reason I say this is because where ever I go, be it work, mall, or some social location, every girl turns there head at me. A lot of these girls will come up and talk to me (more so at parties then at the mall, etc.), but being the person that I am, I am horrible at keeping conversation or making them laugh. So they find an excuse to keep moving. I've never actually had a girlfriend. It's funny how things work out like that.

But look at you, you have an opportunity to get things going. Once you have your conversational tips in order, you'll have girls swooning over you. Do you know how lucky you are to get those opportunities? Try having no one approach you, ever. That sucks worse than finding the right words to say I'll bet. Count your lucky stars and enhance your powers of conversation, you must.

 

As for me, who is well below average, I do not have girls approach me. Never have, no matter how approachable I try to be, how funny I try to be, how friendly I try to be, simply because the attraction isn't there. And it sucks BIGTIME! But what if I was in a relationship with a "model hot" girl. What would my inner demons say? I would be so paranoid that one day she'll wake up and think, "Wow, I can do better than Kyoshiro." Or one day that she'll find someone she's attracted to and leave me by the wasteside. I will never act out on these thoughts, everyone says that I hide my feelings so well... almost too well, but it will always be inthe back of my mind until we're both old and crusty.

 

As for the Good Lookers, it does come from within. This could be the 'ol, "It's not you, it's me" syndrome. Personal issues perhaps? Then again, let's delve deeper into the

 

I honestly don't know the perspective of The Good Lookers, because I am not one. Nor have I come close to dating one. But maybe it does happen more not because of a cluster of breakups, but because Good Lookers don't settle, unlike those who are not considered hot.

 

maybe...

[CrazyKing]

Man, Kyoshiro! Turning yourself into a depressive wool ball won't make things better... It's just like digging yourself in a hole - just raise your head up and stop advertising yourself as an antisocial loner...

[ShySoul]

Kyo,

 

No one has ever approached me, yet I'm not going to get depressed (at least not usually). It's all about perception, how you view yourself. The reason that you feel so down is because you make yourself that way. You tell yourself your below average, even though you've got compliments before on how good you do look. You tell yourself you could never have some "model hot" girl and that you would wreck it if you did. Well if you believe that to be true, your going to make it true. You need to stop this thinking and start telling yourself that you are above average. I know that I'm not the best looking guy around, I'm never going to be a model. Girls won't swoon over me. Yet, it doesn't matter. I look how I look, whatever people think of me is fine. I don't care how other people rate me, all I care about is staying true to myself and being a good person.

 

Beauty, appearance... its all an illusion. Average, above average, below average.... pointless boundaries people cast on each other to try and separate themselves from others. Don't listen to it. We are all attractive, we are all beautiful. To be alive, to be human is beautiful. The only way you can be unattractive is through your attitude and actions. Be mean, rude, or negative... that's unattractive. True beauty has nothing to do with appearance, it has everything to do with substance.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

Kyo,

 

No one has ever approached me, yet I'm not going to get depressed (at least not usually)

I wish I was as strong as you, and I actually did feel hopeful and optimistic ten years ago when I was your age. In fact, my sense of humor made me popular with the girls in 1st and 2nd grade. But then came junior high school and high school, where the cute guys overwhelmed the funny guys. Now I'm 32 and I see no change in women's perspective in me, even though I have changed to fit the profile they seemingly want. But when I see guys around me getting approached all the time, and I am totally ignored even though I make them laugh, then it must be looks over personality. I see it all the time because my friends are handsome guys and get girls. I get called the funny one so where does that get me, in the comedy clubs? Whoopie, I can make them laugh, that's what they want, right? Yep, but they also have to be attracted to them... not saying the guy has to be hot or whatever, but as long as the woman sees him as attractive. But I must be in the category of no one seeing me as attractive. I guess I'll have to live with it.

 

But the funny thing about sense of humor is that I've seen guys say the dumbest things, where it makes absolutely no sense, and the girls are hysterical with laughter, most likely because they want Mr. Incredible to know they like his jokes. I wish I were making these things up. I should've written down all the experiences I've seen with Good Lookers vs. me, and how my chances of getting a girlfriend, despite my attitude, is low. I've had the head down attitude. Now I have the head up attitude. Same results.

 

Beauty, appearance... its all an illusion. Average, above average, below average.... pointless boundaries people cast on each other to try and separate themselves from others. Don't listen to it. We are all attractive, we are all beautiful. To be alive, to be human is beautiful. The only way you can be unattractive is through your attitude and actions. Be mean, rude, or negative... that's unattractive. True beauty has nothing to do with appearance, it has everything to do with substance.

I am so sorry, but I can't believe it until I see it. Maybe I'm brainwashed. But that's why I know it's how I look. I get compliments on being friendly, funny, personalble... my friends get good looking, handsome, hot, gorgeous, and they get the girls. I woundn't believe the things I am saying if I didn't see it all my life. I even try to turn up the charm, do my best to make them laugh, but I can see in their eyes that I'm merely a sideshow. I've changed my look, dressed in better clothes from what i used to wear, smile more often... nothing. I wish I could explain the sadness, the pain, the frustration and loneliness I have.

 

I used to cloak my feelings for a girl. Now I give out very subtle clues that I like them. If you can only see their faces when they look at me in that new light. I can feel it in my heart that I am not welcome into their hearts. This emptiness is something I wouldn't wish on my worse enemy.

[wlfpack81]

Beauty, appearance... its all an illusion. Average, above average, below average.... pointless boundaries people cast on each other to try and separate themselves from others. Don't listen to it. We are all attractive, we are all beautiful. To be alive, to be human is beautiful. The only way you can be unattractive is through your attitude and actions. Be mean, rude, or negative... that's unattractive. True beauty has nothing to do with appearance, it has everything to do with substance.

 

Heeey it's me again.

 

No offense shysoul but that's not the way it works. I wish it were but hey if things were the way I wanted them to be / should be then my mom and dad wouldn't have gotten hated on growing up just b/c they happened to have more pigmentation than Cletus or Billy Bob. Thins are the way there are and looks DO MATTER. I mean yea personality counts but in the initial phase again looks will make that person come up and talk to you in the club, on the street, in class etc.

 

Again I'm a realist and see things for how they are, not how I want them to be, or how they should be.

[Dakota6560]

Not necessarily wlfpck, I have a lot of friends and believe me when I say women get hit on all the time and what sets the guys who get there numbers and the guys who don't is all about there confidence. Women love a confident man much more than a very goodlooking one. That is why beautiful women are with average looking men and why women like jerks. Because they are a bit arrogant. They don't want someone who falls all over them but wants someone with a backbone instead. I have seen this time and time again and I have been victim (too nice) of this myself. Confidence is the major key

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Good-looking people tend to have many relationships because they know it's relatively easy for them to attract the opposite sex with their appearance. That's a really important part in dating especially when you don't know the other person and you get approached purely based on how you look.

 

I know what you're saying. I think that they perhaps respond to red flags more easily, rather than glossing over them, because they are not afraid to be alone, as they know they will be able to attract their next potential mate easily. That's good because you don't settle for someone, but that can be bad because you could become way too knitpicky.

 

I prefer not to stereotype much, because humans are very complex beings and there is always something going on under the surface; outer behavior and all that are a symptom, a manifestation of what's inside that person.

[ShySoul]

Ok, Kyo and wlfpack, I've followed your posts for a while and the only thing hurting you is your doomsday attitude. You say your being a realist, while reality is what we make it. If you assume that people are going to be superficial and judgemental, then everyone you met will be like that. You won't find anyone because you'll convince yourself that its over before its begun. It isn't always looks that gets people to talk to you. Several girls talked to me in class this semster. It wasn't looks, it was 1) proximity and 2) fact that I get the reputation as being smart and the one to go to for help, and 3) that I came off as nice and friendly. I believe that people want to talk to me and give off a positive vibe. In turn, I get talked to.

 

Kyo, I understand your frustrations. I can't explain why some of us seem to unfairly have to suffer so much. All I know is that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and you are going to end up an extremely strong person who is immensely happy with the girl of your dreams.

 

What you both need to do is get that confidence up. All I have to do is look at your quotes to get a feel for the vibe you guys are probably giving off. Wlfpack, your good at nothing? Your never going to find anyone? If thats what you are putting on here, thats most likely what you believe to be true and the impression you give to others. Kyo, your daily schedule gives the impression of a sad, depressed guy who spends all his time feeling sorry for himself instead of trying to change things. The more you look at these lines, the deeper they are engrained into you. You start to believe them and that works against where you want to go. On the other hand, I'm in the same position you guys are. But what do I have on my quote? "You can't see me." (Kyo, recognize where I got that? ) I'm saying that I'm such a good guy, that I've outgrown all the dating games, that all these girls that don't notice me just can't see how great a catch I am. It's there lost. I've had lines saying "my time is now" and "the champ is here" (can you guess who I like Kyo ) building up my self esteem, instead of putting myself down. It's helped my confidence and has been noticed by a number of girls. Change those quotes to something more positive and uplifting, its a small step but a step in the right direction.

[wlfpack81]

... You say your being a realist, while reality is what we make it. If you assume that people are going to be superficial and judgemental, then everyone you met will be like that...

 

Reality isn't what you make it. I mean you saying that the Jews made the reality of being forced into gas chambers, blacks foreced into slavery dealing with racism, someone poor kid not having proper clothing, food, schooling? I know those are off topic but the PRINCIPLE still holds. People just don't always want to face what's in front of them in life but I am one of them. Again to many people have been mislead by this Hollywood fairly tell and can't see that life just SUCKS sometimes for certain people. Call it luck, bad timing, unfortunate circumstances but it's the truth.

[shes2smart]

Reality isn't what you make it.

 

I have to disagree with that. While we may have no control of the outside events -- such as the Jews being forced into concentration camps in WWII -- we ALWAYS have control of our attitude. Have you ever heard of Victor Frankl? He survived the concentration camps and was a stellar example of keeping a positive attitude in a horrible situation, and it helped him to survive while others gave up. Here's a little bit about him ship.edu/~cgboeree/frankl.html I seriously doubt anything in our lives today would be as devastating as what this man went through.

 

If you believe "only bad things happen to me" that's the only thing you will notice. You may have the greatest stroke of luck, but if you're stuck in the "only bad things happen to me" mindset, you'll still see it as misfortune. Much like someone who would win the lottery, then complain about having to pay the taxes.

[ShySoul]

shes2smart beat me to my argument. I was going to say the same thing.

 

wlfpack81, nice counter bringing in concentration camps and slavery. But I've heard that argument before and was ready. True, we may not always be able to control the cicumstances we find ourselves in. But we are always free to control our response. Shes2smart give a great example of someone who was faced with extreme adversity and fought through it, keeping a positive attitude and making something good out of his life. Helen Keller was blind and deaf, yet persevered and succeeded. Mozart was deaf yet is one of the greatest composers of all time. A family friend had a relative who was in a concentration camp, yet he didn't give up. He fought through it, got out, and lived a good life. And there are countless other stories of people who survived hardships to go on and become successful leaders and visionaries who do great things in life.

 

I haven't actually read it myself, but if I remember correctly Sun Tzu in "The art of war" talked about demoralizing your opponent. You can use all the force in the world, but if the people don't give in then you can't really claim victory. Will power, hope of something better, determination... these will give you strength and courage even when the battle seems lost. They are every bit as real as the harshness in this world, and can be infinitely more powerful. The only thing is, we have to believe in it. If you give in do a harsh, cruel world... then that is exactly what you will get out of it.

[Dakota6560]

I have to agree with shes2smart and shysoul. I have nothing to say because they have made to great responeses and I enjoyed reading both of them. If this didn't affect wlfpck in a positive way and change his outlook then I will say it strengthend mine. Kudos to you two for such wonderful written opinions =D>

[wlfpack81]

LOL well nice response shyshoul and you make som good points. But I'm sorry to say I'm too far gone to the "dark side" if you want to call it that (shows my nerdiness as well). I have no faith in man and at the moment i doubt my outlook on life is going to change at all, especially from a couple of posts on an anonymous message board.

[ShySoul]

wlfpack,

 

HeeHee.. talking about your nerdiness only made me realize that you an I are alot alike. I'll have to pm you some time and tell you my story, I've wanted to give up more times then you would think. But I didn't. I still think nothing in my life goes right, and I can back that up. But I don't give up. Cause there is always something, no matter how small, that is a sign of hope. The hard part is learning to recognize and accept it. These posts are just one of many signs staring you in the face, I would hate for you to miss them. When life gives you lemons, start making some lemonade dude.

 

And to go with the "dark side" comment... don't you remember the end of "Return of the Jedi?" Vader, even after all the evil he had done, still did good and redeemed himself. No matter how much darkness there is, there is always hope and a chance for good to win.

 

Dakota,

 

Glad to help out and strengthen your outlook. Don't lose sight of that hope and positive outlook... the world needs more of it.

[huszar]

Depends. Attractive people worry about how attractive they are because they know how much it amounts to cultural capital. Hence, a girl with a cute face and a nice rack is less likely to be overweight than a girl with a with a deformed face and no breasts, because the first knows that if she doesn't stay in shape her social standing greatly decreases.

 

I know people who put up with a lot of crap just because their mate was attractive enough to be out of their league.

[spatzcolumbo]

Looks DO matter to some extent, at least to some people. There is no way of telling whether the person who is right for you finds looks more or less important than personality.

 

Personality develops in certain ways for thousands of reasons:

 

Childhood experience

Parental relationships

Social experiences

Immersion in different cultures throughout life

Parental personality

Personal Friendships, and the personality of your friends

Thousands of other miniscule things...

 

I can pick tiny parts of my personality and attribute them to individual friends and relatives. I can see where important people in my life have influenced my personality.

 

Personality obviously can't JUST be linked to how much attention you get!

 

HOwever, in addition, a degree of personality and social awareness often DOES comes from your social interaction with members of the opposite sex. If you are physically attractive to a large number of people, you may well find that your inner self does not develop as strongly. The reason for this is surely that you have not needed it to. This is especially true on the dating scene - the people perceived by the masses as being physically attractive can largely pick and choose from the dating pool.

 

On the other hand, those who get less attention often find that they develop in other ways - they develop a broader (but at the same time more refined) personality. They learn how to talk to all sorts of different people, they learn the values and lessons that come from not being the most popular person in the world. They gain perspective from going through periods of feeling down about themselves, or at least from not being hugely popular all the time. In many instances, whilst this is a great set of traits to have, it does not immediately lead to greater success with the opposite sex. This in turn often leads to the low self esteen and anxiety that many people mention on these boards. However, slowly but surely, if you get past these issues, the inner personality start to show through in the outer physical attractiveness - you start to hold your head high, walk tall, and so on. You start to smile more. People notice these things, and you appear more attractive to a greater number of people.

 

I think a lot of this stuff relates to perception and the way people judge others. Like it or not, everyone makes snap judgements about everyone else. They base things on their physical appearance, their dress sense, the way they talk, the way they walk. They pick up on SO many tiny details.

 

So many people don't even realise the kinds of things they can do to make themselves appear more attractive in terms of these tiny details that everyone sub-consciously picks up on. Everyone on this board uses these tiny clues and cues to decide whether they find someone attractive. MOst people don't even know they are picking up on things - because it is all automatic.

[leicesterstreet]

I think we should all pause for a minute and consider something.

 

Humans are basically just intelligent animals. Which means the rules of attraction are intellectualised to an extent, but those basic physiological factors are still there.

 

This means that a man who is attractive 99% of the time is going to achieve success in terms of attracting members of the opposite sex.

 

A woman's physiology says "if I'm going to have a baby, then I want the baby to have the best chances in life". So of course they will seek partners who are attractive (this means the baby will more likely be attractive too, thereforeeee more successful in life). Because of the way human society is constructed, factors such as power and money can also come into play. The woman on a subconscious level says "This man because of his wealth/and or power will be best for my yet to be born baby".

 

I really don't know how much personality comes into play here. Obviously you have to get along with them. I guess people are prepared to bend and compromise a lot for people who have looks/power/money.

 

It's funny though, I'm not sure how physiology works when it comes to gay people such as myself. I think I'm kind of screwed a bit there - as a large proportion of gay men in particular don't want relationships. At least if your straight you have more chances, from a sheer numbers perspective, so be thankful for that.

[sandman47]

Being an average looking guy I've always viewed it from that point of view. I've never been the guy who women throw themselves at either online or IRL. Whatever relationships I've had I've really had to work at getting. Now I could post my pic and receive some polite comments but nothing more than that. A better looking male would most likely have some private conversations with women wanting more than an online friendship. This would be true at this site as well as many other. I've learned to accept this as a fact of life. For all they hype about women being less concerned about a guy's looks and what's inside I've found that to be nothing more than a myth.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

Being an average looking guy I've always viewed it from that point of view. I've never been the guy who women throw themselves at either online or IRL. Whatever relationships I've had I've really had to work at getting. Now I could post my pic and receive some polite comments but nothing more than that. A better looking male would most likely have some private conversations with women wanting more than an online friendship. This would be true at this site as well as many other. I've learned to accept this as a fact of life. For all they hype about women being less concerned about a guy's looks and what's inside I've found that to be nothing more than a myth.

This is so true. Some women who say looks don't matter at all are probably afraid of being called shallow. I do not think it is shallow at all to go for looks as a 1st, 2nd or 3rd priority. I am just frustrated that I cannot fit the bill. If there is a girl at a party and two guys, me and Handsome Hunk #1 were interested in her, who gets the automatic bid? Even if Handsome Hunk #1 were dull and I made her laugh to no end, I have no shot. Or I can be the funny friend and HH#1 is the romantic interest. I would not blame her one bit though. That's life.

 

Perfect example: On another site I had a contest where I posted my pic alongside 4 other guys. I asked 10 or so girls to rate each one. I got a high mark on 2 of the 10 votes, but the girls who gave me a high mark gave everyone a high mark, so it was universal. But the funniest thing was that I purposely put a picture of a very handsome guy among the pictures. About 2 or 3 of the girls made a comment like, "If you are this guy or if you know him I'd like to have his phone number." Great, I can build on something if I did look like that guy or if I was good looking. They say I am nice and stuff but when they find out how I look, forget it.

 

Looks matter no matter how you try to spin it, for guys and girls. But I get upset when they say it doesn't matter at all. You have to be attracted to a person in some way if you want to take it a step further I guess, whether he/she is good looking naturally or if their personalities highlight their looks and give them attractive qualities. Not everyone is like this, but most people are than they admit. Online personals are the worst for guys like me. Our pictures in no way make who we are, but since that's what people go by, we're doomed to loneliness.

[wlfpack81]

Looks matter no matter how you try to spin it, for guys and girls. But I get upset when they say it doesn't matter at all. You have to be attracted to a person in some way if you want to take it a step further I guess, whether he/she is good looking naturally or if their personalities highlight their looks and give them attractive qualities. Not everyone is like this, but most people are than they admit. Online personals are the worst for guys like me. Our pictures in no way make who we are, but since that's what people go by, we're doomed to loneliness.

 

Here, here Kyo!!! Glad to see another who sees the world for what it is. Just the facts of life and people like us have to just bite the bullet and accept our shortcomings. I guess one advantage of being single is more $$$ for me to spend on myself.