Good Looks vs. Average Looks - Does it impact contentment?

[temperamental_taurus]

There's been alot of posts lately regarding how a person looks, whether it be that someone's not attractive enough to date or questioning their own attractiveness or being attractive themselves and having a difficult time in their relationships... So I want to hear what everyone thinks on this...

 

I know in my experiences, I find that the average looking person seems to be alot more comfortable with themselves vs. the very attractive people. That they seem to have more self confidence, their relationships seem to last longer - overall they just seem more comfortable being "them".

 

Why do you think this is? Have you ever noticed? That good looking people are always switching partners, never satisified with what they have, always think they can do better etc? That good looking woman are always so critical of themselves?

 

You'd think that it'd be the opposite way around...

 

Or perhaps it's just the part of the country I live in and is just particular to my city... I dunno...

 

Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

[moulinbleu]

I agree with what you have said. Attractive people, I have noticed, tend to think they have more options in the dating realm.

 

I have thought alot about this lately, especially since I can be rather self-absorbed with my new wrinkles and saggy body parts.

 

I personally would rather be with somone who finds himself attractive, rather than me having to deal with potential self esteem issues.

BUT-Narcissiam is just another form of self-loathing in disguise.

It is a fine line.

[Markers]

I have found out that the more comfortable you are with your own body, the better you will come up. If you cringe with the thought of someone seeing how fat/skinny/ugly you are, the worse you will look. Have confidence and think that you're as good as anyone.

[temperamental_taurus]

I'll agree that you SHOULD be comfortable with yourself. But I think the "revolving door" of dating creates a low self esteem no matter how hard a person TRIES to feel comfortable in their own skin.

 

I've just found that my friends who are average looking are satisfied with what they have, are not always searching for something more, and my beautiful friends have a hard time finding a partner, settling down, and always seem to have alot of drama in their lives.

 

It's almost as if they do not have the substance, character or personality to carry them through a relationship. What causes this esteem issue??? You'd think you'd WANT to look like them, but study them for any amount of time and you're thankful you don't have their problems...

 

One example is Actors & Actresses... constantly changing partners, never settling... it's almost sad that these people only find superficial love.

[Santa]

I agree with you temperamental_taurus.

[SandyD]

I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that they were blessed with good looks. Not much else is required of them in our society. They don´t have to be smart to impress, or funny, or great conversationalists. They just walk into a room and without so much as batting an eyelash, command all the attention. People want to get to know them, date them, be associated with them, etc... for no other reason than that they look really good. And we associate good looks with high levels of confidence, with great accomplishments and potential.

 

But really... if you were constantly getting stared at, felt like you were always on display, and had people wanting to get close to you just because you have a beautiful face... wouldn´t you feel a bit like an alien?

[annie24]

I knew a girl several years back who was stunning. She actually had a side job as a real life Barbie Doll at KayBee toystores during promotional events. But - she was smart too. Graduated in the top 5% of her class in college. Sweet and funny and nice and all that. But, guys rarely asked her out, probably because they assumed she was already taken.

[OneConfusedGuy]

I don't mean to be arrogant or anything, but, I'd say im on the more good looking end of the spectrum then the average. The reason I say this is because where ever I go, be it work, mall, or some social location, every girl turns there head at me. A lot of these girls will come up and talk to me (more so at parties then at the mall, etc.), but being the person that I am, I am horrible at keeping conversation or making them laugh. So they find an excuse to keep moving. I've never actually had a girlfriend. It's funny how things work out like that.

[temperamental_taurus]

Ok, well I have a confession to make I'm one of those girls too. I had to post this discussion question because it really is nagging at me. I am rarely approached either, but am always stared at by both men and women. Once the man learns that I happen to be single though, he's all over it. I am told almost daily how pretty, beautiful, gorgeous I am. But you want to know what? I don't FEEL pretty, beautiful or gorgeous. I am not stick then, I'm curvy etc. I guess I've been called "exoctic" looking.

 

Problem is, my relationships never last. Sad huh? Once they get me they don't want me... I think I'm not challenging enough for them - or something, I don't know why. They darn near kill themselves to be with me, then once they have me, they mistreat me and I end up having to leave them. WHY IS THAT??? My life is filled with drama - constant break-ups, disappointments and let downs.

 

I consider myself a good woman. I have a good job, which I'm successful at etc... I spoil them, I don't play mind games but I feel like I'm stuck in that revolving door. It's like I'm never ENOUGH. And do you realize how horrible a feeling that is??? To never be ENOUGH??? I would rather be UGLY and find someone who loves me for me, than to look this way and be seen as a challenge that once won, is discarded for the next trophy.

 

So, ladies, who may be thinking oh I want to look like so and so... Maybe, just maybe - you don't.

[lifeiscash]

Good looking people usually do get more of the attention, obviously. I would also like to say im above normal on the radar for attractiveness. Honestly, what anything comes down to is how you feel about yourself. You can be the most attractive person in the world but if you have low self esteem (which was said earlier) it brings you down tremendously.

 

Some of my ex girlfriends have been really good looking but when I think back on them they had really bad problems. MOST of them DID have self-conscious issues and self-esteem issues. A couple of them I found to be bulimic.

 

Think about it, when a woman walks into a club or a bar they are there for attention (the good looking women). Men like to think they are dressing up to show off themselves for the men, but the truth is the women dress up for competition with themselves. Since they are always working and trying to find ways to dress or make themselves look better towards the other competition it's like they are just trying to make up for other areas. Basically, if you think logically, it's just another way to say... "Hey, im insecure and im trying to compete my looks with other beautiful women for the attention."

 

Average looking people are more comfortable and are better able to accept themselves.

[shes2smart]

I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that they were blessed with good looks. Not much else is required of them in our society. They don´t have to be smart to impress, or funny, or great conversationalists. They just walk into a room and without so much as batting an eyelash, command all the attention. People want to get to know them, date them, be associated with them, etc... for no other reason than that they look really good. And we associate good looks with high levels of confidence, with great accomplishments and potential.

 

In general, I tend to agree with this.

 

However, this is also a double-edged sword. I used to work with a sort of stereotypical cute girl -- petite, blonde, cute face, nicely proportioned body, perky cheerleader-type. When she was getting divorced, she decided I'd be a good person to spill her guts to. Ok. Fine. Over the course of the divorce and her first newly-single months, I learned being that cute little blonde girl isn't the great thing I thought it would be.

 

Sure, she got more male attention than I did...but jeez...some of the crap she had to put up with (guys following her home when she went out, guys not leaving her alone)! At the time, she didn't want the attention, either. She just wanted to hang out with her girlfriends and get her life together after the divorce.

 

Getting to be friends with her (and another drop-dead gorgeous co-worker) was a real eye-opener for me. The other one (a tall brunette) used to work as a model in her teens, so that oughta tell you where she was on the attractiveness scale. Yeah, she had a boyfriend. And he liked to tell her she was ugly and smack her around every once in a while. It took her the better part of a year to leave him.

 

Pretty may open more doors (initially) and it may get you noticed (even if you don't want it)....but a lot of times its more trouble than its worth. After befriending those two former co-workers, I learned to be thankful for who I was.

[wlfpack81]

I would rather be UGLY and find someone who loves me for me, than to look this way and be seen as a challenge that once won, is discarded for the next trophy.

 

No you don't!!! If you were ugly like me then you WON'T find anyone. Be dang thankfull that God, genetics, luck (whichever angle you want to choose) has allowed you to be attractive to the masses. There are many like myself who would probably nearly sell their souls to be attractive.

 

And IMO the reason why good looking people have so many relations as you claim is b/c they CAN. When you're good looking you have more chances and can afford to take a chance and attempt to move up the ladder. Harsh but true.

 

When you're average (or in my case ugly) you pretty much can't afford to do that and often have to settle or else be alone forever. Beggers can't be choosers and this is true. I mean I believe that like attractiveness dates like attractiveness. So often when an ugly / average person finds another on the same level they have to make it work b/c they may not have many other chances.

[temperamental_taurus]

Isn't it better though, wlfpack, to work at what you've got, to improve on it, strengthen it? You don't have to consider it "settling" but more like "stable" then to always be mistreated, and then end up alone because you weren't worth the trouble because the next one's already taken your place??? I think so...

 

I'd prefer that someone say hey, this woman is worth it rather than NEXT!!!

[Minty80]

As a fairly average person (some guys find me very attractive some don't at all) I've seen the deal from a bit of both sides.

 

I think that either end of the spectrum needs to work on the same things. Self-confidence and letting their personality be their most important attribute. Would the guy who is interested in you still be interested if they saw you wearing your least flattering clothes? If not, maybe he isn't worth it. Yes, a good first impression can be important but why not let the first impression be of your personality?

 

Especially towards the good-looking people, how do you dress when you go out? Do you dress in a sexy way to enhance your looks? Do you wear form flattering clothing and put on makeup? If you do, why? And how can you complain about a guy being attracted to you for your looks when you are drawing attention to those looks?

 

Personally my best relationships have been with guys who were first attracted to me when I was wearing my comfy clothes. They saw a girl who didn't care about her looks above her comfort and was happy to let her personality do the talking. Then they approach me because of the personality vibe I'm giving off and not because I look hot or whatever.

[SandyD]

So often when an ugly / average person finds another on the same level they have to make it work b/c they may not have many other chances.

 

Oh my god that is such a funny statement! LOL LOL LOL

Seriously though, it´s not as though less than extremely perfect human beings are some sort of freak of nature... you make it sound like they are from another planet, and once they find their own kind they should stick together. Come on.

 

So if you consider yourself ugly you must go out with someone whom you don´t find attractive (ugly)? I can just picture how that would go in single´s bars... "Oh, oh, Jenny, did you see that guy? He is sooo ugly! I must get his number!" LOL

 

Attractiveness IS in the eye of the beholder. Maybe your boyfriend isn´t a Hollywood celeb look-alike, but would you seriously say a person you love is ugly? I doubt it. Even if they are pretty average looks-wise, there will still be things about them that make you swoon.

[Spirits Away]

Hm... you attract mostly guys who are not in your "class" so to speak. I honestly don't think when you met the right guy, he'll even think you're a prize or present who'll follow you around. You're probably, in his view, just a person, probably an unsucessful one.

 

You may want to focus on where you hang out and attract a different group of guys who sees you as a person.

[Mun]

Beauty does not equal happiness.

 

Oh this is an interesting topic.

 

I remember watching some report about very good looking women who were unhappily married. It was discovered that their husbands had been very attracted to them and rushed into a relationship without really getting to know their wives. When they lived with them and got to know the person underneath the beauty, they disovered they were not compatible, were not really in love, or simply didn't even like the "real" girl. Tip: get to know the person slowly and deeply, especially if they are super-hot .

 

You mentioned that average looking people develop more character because of the challenges ( with their looks)... do you feel as though your character is shallow or flaky? You also said you feel as though you are never enough. That right there might be a clue to why you attract men who mistreat you.

 

If you feel like you are not good enough, then maybe when a partner starts to mistreat you, you somehow convince yourself that you deserve it. More dignity and self-love will help you stand up for yourself and not stay with someone who is not right for you or is abusive.

 

The key is to work on your self-confidence. A beautiful woman will look ugly if she constanly puts herself down ( or compares herself to other women ) ...but an average woman can look more attractive if she carries herself with dignity and pride.

Maybe that's why they usually have better relationships and less drama .

[Spirits Away]

To answer the post's question, I tend to agree with the fact that we can control our level of happiness depending on how we handle things and that the environment doesn't make you happy. It's how you perceive the situation that causes happiness or sadness. And then I was confirmed by the book called "Authentic Happiness" that fact. The author explains that "looks" have no correlation with the level of happiness. He's got this whole reasoning out, but it's not his reasoning that comfirms the fact, it's his statistics. I have a very vague memory of the book, but I think that girls with below average look get treated coldly however positive they view situations. Poor them.

[ShySoul]

Before you can answer this I think you need to define the terms.

 

Can anyone give a clear cut definition of what an attractive person is? What makes someone very attractive or just average?

 

In my mind all this talk about very good looking people versus just ok people, or even so called unattractive people, its all silly. EVERYONE is attractive to someone. EVERYONE is attractive in some way. The media gives of an idea of what the perfect person looks, but that may not be what someone finds attractive. I rarely find supermodels attractive. I had it on some countdown of the hottest celebrities on TV. I got through half the list and honestly can't say I saw what was so great about any of them. On the other hand, the so called plain girls are often very attractive to me. Plus the ideal of beauty changes from culture to culture and changes over time.

 

In the end, how a person looks doesn't matter. We are born to look a certain way and, baring spending mega bucks to change it, thats we have. And we careful of spending money on changing it, you could end up like Micheal Jackson. Don't compare yourself to anyone else, just be proud of what you have and more importantly who you are. True beauty comes from within. Believe in and love yourself.

 

Besides, its not the looks that lead to a relationship or romance. It's the connection the two people have. If two people have things in common and really bond with each other, they will be physically attracted to each other regardless of ones external appearance.

[mattj]

yes what is beauty anyway? in the times of the renaissance, being fat and pale was a sign of beauty, and yet it is the opposite of that nowdays- i think that altough unfortunateley people with better looks will do better in the whole dating thing because people need something to go on, many people wouldnt mind about looks if there was some way of telling someones personality quickly. thats why peoplle tend to go out with people from work or school.

[Mr. B]

My last relationship with what i guess you'd consider an average looking girl (although I thought she's incredibly beautiful) was just fine. Actually i'd never been more content.

 

One thing, perhaps a bit shameful, since she's not overwhelimingly attractive by the world's standards, I wasn't worried about her attracting too much attention, so I had no worries or insecurities.

[Empathy]

Why do you think this is? Have you ever noticed? That good looking people are always switching partners, never satisified with what they have, always think they can do better etc? That good looking woman are always so critical of themselves? quote]

 

A few years ago, when I broke up with my "first love" I was talking to my shrink about it. I remember thinking he was beautiful and I didn't care what other people thought about him. As a matter of fact, a couple of people said we were like beauty and the beast. I dated him for 2 years but I broke up with him b/c I realized I never should have started a long-term relationship at 15! lol. Anyways, I don't really remember what I said to my psychiatrist that provoked this response but he said, "If there's not equal attractiveness in a relationship the chance is less that it will work out." And that's whether or not an individual is aware of their own attractiveness. It usually just ends up that way. This could explain why most good looking people jump from one relationship to another...

[socalguy123]

I don't think happiness has any relation to good looks or not. I think it's more how well prepared you are to handle happiness, confrontation, setbacks in life. But dangit, some days I really get burned out being single (whether dating or not), as I really want to start my family life... YEah yeah, quite a few of my best/closest friends are or will become married, and of the ones that are married, many are going on having kids... So guess who gets to be a godfather/uncle for all these kids? Sheesh!

 

For some reason, I've not found the right person. This isn't for lack of dating. My one friend, told me that he thought maybe I was just always having too much fun, instead of settling down. I know I'm a decent looking guy. Maybe what he said is the case. Maybe the girls I meet and hook up with are exciting, but not necessarily marriage material. Maybe the girls that I met, that are more "stable" and grounded, were not exciting enough for me--so that could be why those relationships didn't work out.

 

My other friend, more of a brother than a friend, suggested that I work on myself--find out what really makes me happy. Don't let my relationships take over my personal life. I think that's what I've done, always kept chasing my happiness within a different person. I mean, I've got my own stuff together, got a car, house, good job, good health, ambitions. But my point of view hasn't changed for too long. So now, I'm trying to train myself to not do that anymore. Trying to be happy in and of myself, and spend the next 3-5 months not worrying about women... but it's not that easy!

 

Maybe this can work for you?

[Shidoshi]

I don't think being considered attractive by a lot of people has ANYTHING to do with your failed relationships. If you're such a great person and usually end up with guys that eventually mistreat you, it has more to do with the "type" of guys you hook up with. What happens is, most of the guys that don't have a problem asking you out are also not concerned about losing you, hence the "bad" behavior once they become comfortable with you. Don't tell me you had absolutely no idea what kind of people they were, and they all of a sudden just "changed" for the worse. I see this happen time and time again. Being attractive, in and of itself, doesn't make people mistreat you.

 

Good-looking people tend to have many relationships because they know it's relatively easy for them to attract the opposite sex with their appearance. That's a really important part in dating especially when you don't know the other person and you get approached purely based on how you look.

[socalguy123]

Also. there's ALWAYS this strange dating/relationship axiom at work:

 

Dating/Relationship Axiom that the pretty women only go for guys that act like a-holes, and treat them badly.

 

 

All the while this guy is treating her badly, the woman tells her 5 best "nice-guy" friends about this unfortunate occurrence. What happens to the the super-nice guys, the guys who WOULD treat her well, treat her like she wanted? They have to eat their hearts out...

 

Do I sound gripey? Don't worry, I've been on both sides of the fence...