Second Half

[reinventmyself]

I resist writing in my journal at times.  It seems a place where I will spew negativity.  Granted I have had some negative experiences, but sometimes journaling it all doesn't always serve a purpose for me.  It gives it more value than it deserves.

I am still at the equestrian center, now 6 months later. Things haven't changed and most times literally frustrating.  It's not much money, but it is income that is now factored into my budget. Without it I would need to withdraw more from savings and investments.  With the economy being so volatile I feel it's best to have another part time job lined up before I let this go.  Unfortunately, it's not that easy!  Who would'a thought? 

I have applied to several very simple, almost entry level jobs to not get one.  Imagine my little self-esteem when I look back and realize I have gotten every job I ever applied for my entire life.  It's pretty puzzling.  I am not letting it rattle me.  Time is on my side. (I think)  I have no idea why I get passed up, but I do recall I would pass on overqualified candidates for those who would find an entry level position a little more challenging with room to grow.  Not sure if this is it, but it's something to consider.  Not to toot my own horn, but years of work experience counts, not matter how you slice it.

I keep running into people who greet me enthusiastically, congratulate me on my retirement and eagerly ask me how fabulous it is. I realize my reaction is puzzling to both myself and them. I don't know what to say in response.  It seems expected that if you had planned on retiring, you'd gush how amazing it is.  But though I am retired and there some positives about it, the reality is I quit my job because it was miserably toxic.  It never seems like a great response to the enthusiastic question in the moment. I am practicing just saying "It's great"  But from there they want me to elaborate on the why's of how it's so great.  I don't have a good response to this yet, but I am working on it.  As grateful as I am to have the privilege, it's been quite an adjustment and at times not easy.  It feels very similar to being congratulated on your divorce and people dying to know how fabulous it is.  

I am volunteering once a week at the animal shelter, in the cattery.  It absolutely love it.  It's kitten season and the kitten count yesterday was 16.  I sit in the midst of each room and I can't believe I don't have to pay admission for these sweet little things to crawl all over me and curl up in my lap.  You develop relationship with the older cats, some who aren't adoptable for various reason but will live their life out in the cattery.  It's beautiful and well maintained.  They have a vert,very good life.

We have a couple rv trips this month and so looking forward to it.  BF traded in his trailer for a brand new one and we love the rv life.  Friends are catching the fever and buying them themselves and now we have friends to join us.  One weekend this month there is a taco, margarita festival at fairground next to the beach.  We will camp and ride our bikes with another couple to and from the festival.  The following week, spending 6 nights in the Sierras.  Can't wait!

My oldest son turned 36 on Monday.  Uhg.  Tell them to stop doing that!  I spent the evening with him and his girlfriend eating dinner from a roof top restaurant, with and ocean view and watched the sunset.  He managed to steal my credit card back from waiter telling him it was my birthday and wouldn't give it back to me 'til we got back home. 

My youngest son will turn 32 in Sept and expecting their second daughter in Nov.  Their toddler is now 20 months and has more personality than any one child deserves. She is nonstop entertainment.

That's about it. . Glad I can actually find some positive things to write about 😉 

[Jibralta]

20 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

I am volunteering once a week at the animal shelter, in the cattery.  It absolutely love it.  It's kitten season and the kitten count yesterday was 16.  I sit in the midst of each room and I can't believe I don't have to pay admission for these sweet little things to crawl all over me and curl up in my lap.  You develop relationship with the older cats, some who aren't adoptable for various reason but will live their life out in the cattery.  It's beautiful and well maintained.  They have a vert,very good life.

That sounds wonderful!

[maritalbliss86]

4 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

I realize my reaction is puzzling to both myself and them. I don't know what to say in response.  It seems expected that if you had planned on retiring, you'd gush how amazing it is.  But though I am retired and there some positives about it, the reality is I quit my job because it was miserably toxic.  It never seems like a great response to the enthusiastic question in the moment. I am practicing just saying "It's great"  But from there they want me to elaborate on the why's of how it's so great.  I don't have a good response to this yet, but I am working on it.  As grateful as I am to have the privilege, it's been quite an adjustment and at times not easy.  It feels very similar to being congratulated on your divorce and people dying to know how fabulous it is.  

I've known quite a few retired people now, and they all seem to struggle with this.  Even the ones who don't really need to work, struggle without having that sense of purpose and something to go to every day.  It makes them restless and just feel somewhat bored... although I'm sure that's not popular to admit.

I hope you find some comfort in knowing though that it seems most people struggle with not feeling exactly content with retirement.  It makes sense to me, too, and then that frustration that you're being constantly congratulated 😕. 

[maritalbliss86]

4 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

We have a couple rv trips this month and so looking forward to it.  BF traded in his trailer for a brand new one and we love the rv life. 

That sounds like an exciting part of retirement imo!  I would absolutely love something like that!

[reinventmyself]

And with that. . I accepted a job offer today.  After my background check is completed I'll give notice to the equestrian center.  Yippee.  Sooo over the place.  My current work days are Th & Fri. So for now, I'll have to endure this week.

The new job is a retail merchandiser.  I did it once before for Procter & Gamble several years ago.  The beauty of it is you have so many hours each week to get the task done but you can create your own schedule.  

[reinventmyself]

    . . .and with that, I didn't take the job offer after all.

So many of these retail merchandising jobs can be fishy. And an equal number are good. I thought I learned to suss them out.  

I received my final contracts, requesting account information for direct deposit etc, and thought to go back and research the company again.  While rereading reviews, one in particular stood out to me.  I need to pin them down for the number of hours weekly.  I understood it's difficult for them to guarantee hours, as it's constantly changing.  I thought back to the conversations with the interviewer and thought her responses were somewhat of a word salad.  I reached out to her right before I sent back the contracts with all my vitals and asked for any kind of average hour commitment.  Her response 2 to 5 hours a week!   Aargh!    I had turned down an offer from another company previously for the same reason.  I thought I knew how to spot them. 

I never turned in the contracts and they never even followed up with me.  I literally dropped off the earth.  With that, they reached out to me twice offering me opportunities in different cities as if I am a first time applicant. (as recent as this morning) 

I also kept overlooking the fact that my direct supervisor lives in a different time zone and manages accounts on the west coast . . but every time she called at our scheduled time she called 4 hours early.   How can she manage west coast accounts if she can't manage the time difference?  I now get the sense they would hire anyone. 

I left my previous job because it was bad, my current one isn't much better.  I need to remind myself I am not that desperate, and I deserve a job that is a minimally decent fit and that I at least like going to.  I ended up feeling a little fickle over the whole thing.

Any way . . I've taken a break from it all.  I was so overly preoccupied with it.  I have two vacations this month.  I will continue at the god forsaken equestrian center and promise myself to not complain . .at least for the time being.

[boltnrun]

The good news is you can afford to be picky. You're not depending on these jobs in order to live.

I've seen many, many scam jobs. Those people "hire" everyone who applies. Once they get your banking info they can do a lot with that. I'm glad you spotted the scam before they got your info.

[reinventmyself]

7 hours ago, boltnrun said:

The good news is you can afford to be picky. You're not depending on these jobs in order to live.

I've seen many, many scam jobs. Those people "hire" everyone who applies. Once they get your banking info they can do a lot with that. I'm glad you spotted the scam before they got your info.

Flakey was my sense.  But I didn't consider it a scam.  Now that you mention that it gives me a lot to think about!  Yikes

[reinventmyself]

It's looking like the shift at the equestrian center could happen after all.  Unfortunately, the original plan for me to take over the full four days is off the table, for me.  They don't know that yet.  After 7 months my life has gone on and I have either committed to other things midweek and/or I don't have the desire to do it any more than the 10 hours I do now.  I just can't imagine sitting there bored any more than I do now.  It just doesn't bring me joy, I keep saying.

The person who worked Sat's quit and Randi picked up that day.  So, at this point we are no longer over staffed.  If offered the days that Randi works so she can move on to the much anticipated project, I'll turn it down and offer to stay until which time they hire someone.  Which translates me to not having a job.  Which may be ok now.  I think the rush to fill the void was the original motivation.  I need to see how not working at all suits me again.  Not sure how long that will last before I get restless again.  Summer has proved to be busy so I may be fine.  We'll see.  For them, this will put them in a bind, but I can't worry about that.

I have to own my own messy stuff that I had to acknowledge the other day.  One of those 'ah hah' moments. I realized how much my previous job shaped me.  18 yrs of being the answer lady.  Staff basically only spoke to me if they were upset or needed something.  That and being in a management position, it wasn't easy to have friends at work.  This experience was talked about amongst managers, and HR encouraged us to cultivate relationships with other managers.  Unfortunately for me, other managers were my most demanding customers, often times unreasonably.  So, I avoided them too. 18 years of avoiding people isn't an easy thing to just stop doing.

Previous jobs, second to my paycheck, the greatest benefit was the lifelong friendships I made. I look back at the old me and I was very social at work.  Compared to almost 2 decades of avoiding difficult people has really shaped me.  That and the sad ending to my career and the way it shook out, I recognize how guarded and mistrusting I am at the equestrian center.  I don't say much and I am cautious.  Not too much unlike my previous job, horse boarders only talk to you when they want something and are upset.  It's just not a good fit for me.  

I also notice a pattern of not making the effort to reach out to friends the last few weeks.  I think pre covid there was always group activities going on and there was no need to make the effort, rather just join in on weekly outings with a group of friends.  During covid friends divided and then multiplied in other ways.  The typical characters no longer seek each out the way they used to.  I didn't have to make any effort to initiate anything,  we all just joined in.  I now need to push myself to make phone calls.

It's been a busy month with two vacations, 3 birthdays and other busy things.  But even with that I feel so out of the loop with my girlfriends and not used to having to make this type of effort.  I know it's not healthy, but I feel resistant to do it.  Avoidance is my middle name sometimes.

Needed to write this down to push myself to pick up the phone today.

 

[reinventmyself]

Dramatic events for my bf and his parents.

S's Mom had surgery to remove a mass and found it cancerous.  She was scheduled for another surgery to check her lymph nodes to see if it had spread.  5 days prior, she canceled the surgery.  I understand her wishes, as my own mother had the same opinion.  Why at 84 put yourself thru the possibility of chemo and radiation that robs you of a year or so of your life.  Then another year to fully recover (if so fortunate) only to have a few years left anyway.  Her quality of life is less than ideal already.

Almost simultaneously, 87 yr old Dad is diagnosed with dementia and a significantly block carotid artery.  Surgery is too risky for him, so no intervention prescribed.  Typical sundowners for dementia patients and he starts acting out in the evenings.  His latest, accusing his wife of having sex with the neighbor.  It escalated to the point the other night that around midnight he's in garage looking for bat.  His wife follows him into the garage to stop him and he pushes her to the ground.  Mind you, she's in a walker and has a limited capacity.  She goes back into the house and locks him in the garage.  After him taking a hammer to the door, she realized it had gone too far and called the police.

He was admitted to under a 5150 and held for 72 hours, just to return him home where he picked up with his ranting right where he left off.  It took the hospital another 2 days to authorize a change in meds to sedate him in the evenings. 

The uncanny part is this is pretty text book, having experienced the same thing with my father having Alzheimer's, hurting my mother and calling the police.   It's the most heartbreaking thing to see them go through and it brings up all sorts of memories that I try to forget.

S is on a plane the following day and staying at their home indefinitely.  He left saying he knew it had come time to place his dad in a full care facility.  But the next dilemma is his mom can't live alone in another state.  Sigh . . .  He gets there and they pretend nothing's happened.  Now it's a waiting game.  His mom needs to be on board with a plan.

The day his mother contacts him about the incident, S's landlord informs him the cute little house he rents is listed for sell.  As if he doesn't have enough stress, he now will need to find a new place to live, while simultaneously trying to settle both parents with separate needs on their limited income.  If bringing his mom home was an option, it's now off the table.  It is looking more and more like he'll have to stay with her in another state.  I tried to comfort him by telling him what he spends in rent will buy a lot of plane tickets to come visit.

The older homes in his area are being scooped up swiftly and new modern 3 story homes are being built.  Him staying in the home on the same terms is less than likely.  It's a double lot with a tiny home built in the 30s. The property is listed for 2M.  (sheeez)

Oh, and if it wasn't enough S has had issues with his neck and shoulder that tend to come and go.  About 3 weeks ago, it came and hasn't left.  The pain is to the point that he can barely drive.  He has to come home the 18th for an appt with an orthopedist. Or. . reschedule.  Who knows how this will play out.

I knew this time was coming.  Maybe more so than he did.  In a sad way I was preparing myself to lose him. At least to this degree. The new meds may buy his parents some time.  It's hard to say, but it's merely a band aid.  No matter which angle you view it, it's inevitable.

At times it makes me mad.  My parents anticipated these times.  Even with that navigating their end of life business was grueling.  Even with plans in place.  How is it parents don't even contemplate it?  It just seems selfish. 

I have my plan, a trust and a plan for my long term care so as to not burden my children.  On the other hand, S's mom thought to buy a fully loaded large suv a couple years and no lie, their payment is $890 a month.  Not to mention the gas and insurance.  It costs them over 1k to have that new car sit in garage to go much of no where other than her hair appt and the grocery store.  They previous owned a perfectly good car.  S was livid.  Shame on the dealership that thought to sign these two up for this!  Imagining his tiny mom in a walker and dad shuffling behind her. Aaargh.  It all makes me angry.  But it's just not the time and place.   S says when the time comes, he's driving the suv back to the dealership and tossing the keys on someone's desk and walking out.

All of this is likely to crush S.  We had dinner with friends the night before he left, a couple he's known for most of his life.  When he shared what all was going on, he started to sob and excused himself from the room.  It breaks my heart.

[reinventmyself]

I am wrestling whether or not to get another kitten.  No surprise that working at the animal shelter, in the cattery, I would get attached to a kitten. . or kittens*.  I follow the shelters FB page and they update every time a cat gets adopted.  I see certain kittens go and I feel my heart pull.  

I have a super senior cat and at 17, she very likely wouldn't be welcoming to a kitten.  This particular little boy kitty is super calm.  He'll sit on my lap, purred quietly while the rest of the gang go berserk with their antics.  He rarely joins into the mayhem but would rather just watch.  I am conveniently convincing myself that due to his temperament he may very well be able to bond with Macy.  He's been there for a little while and approaching 4 months.  So, he's not super young.

I go back and forth with this argument in my head.  My wish is I'd have a cat that I could halter train, would tolerate the car and I could bring back and forth to my bf's house.  I had a boy cat once that would do this.  We vacation in an rv pretty often and I've seen plenty of rv's with kitties chilling in the window.  But a cat really has to have the right temperament to do this. It could be a gamble.

I go back and forth on whether it would be best to be pet-less at this point in my life.  At 17 Macy is in her final yrs and that could be realized here sooner than later.  The freedom to come and go and not worry about them is enticing.  But I've had cats for the past 20 yrs and I feel sad at the thought of not having these sweet little creatures in my life.  As it is now Macy sleeps most of the time and refuses to come downstairs.  I love her to bits but at this stage there isn't much interaction with her.  I have a cat but I already miss having a cat around.  She just isn't really *around.

I am taking my next Tues shift off, so I won't be back to shelter until the following week. I feel a little nervous, that in my absence, he might be gone.

[Jibralta]

On 8/4/2022 at 12:31 PM, reinventmyself said:

Dramatic events for my bf and his parents.

S's Mom had surgery to remove a mass and found it cancerous.  She was scheduled for another surgery to check her lymph nodes to see if it had spread.  5 days prior, she canceled the surgery.  I understand her wishes, as my own mother had the same opinion.  Why at 84 put yourself thru the possibility of chemo and radiation that robs you of a year or so of your life.  Then another year to fully recover (if so fortunate) only to have a few years left anyway.  Her quality of life is less than ideal already.

Almost simultaneously, 87 yr old Dad is diagnosed with dementia and a significantly block carotid artery.  Surgery is too risky for him, so no intervention prescribed.  Typical sundowners for dementia patients and he starts acting out in the evenings.  His latest, accusing his wife of having sex with the neighbor.  It escalated to the point the other night that around midnight he's in garage looking for bat.  His wife follows him into the garage to stop him and he pushes her to the ground.  Mind you, she's in a walker and has a limited capacity.  She goes back into the house and locks him in the garage.  After him taking a hammer to the door, she realized it had gone too far and called the police.

He was admitted to under a 5150 and held for 72 hours, just to return him home where he picked up with his ranting right where he left off.  It took the hospital another 2 days to authorize a change in meds to sedate him in the evenings. 

The uncanny part is this is pretty text book, having experienced the same thing with my father having Alzheimer's, hurting my mother and calling the police.   It's the most heartbreaking thing to see them go through and it brings up all sorts of memories that I try to forget.

S is on a plane the following day and staying at their home indefinitely.  He left saying he knew it had come time to place his dad in a full care facility.  But the next dilemma is his mom can't live alone in another state.  Sigh . . .  He gets there and they pretend nothing's happened.  Now it's a waiting game.  His mom needs to be on board with a plan.

The day his mother contacts him about the incident, S's landlord informs him the cute little house he rents is listed for sell.  As if he doesn't have enough stress, he now will need to find a new place to live, while simultaneously trying to settle both parents with separate needs on their limited income.  If bringing his mom home was an option, it's now off the table.  It is looking more and more like he'll have to stay with her in another state.  I tried to comfort him by telling him what he spends in rent will buy a lot of plane tickets to come visit.

The older homes in his area are being scooped up swiftly and new modern 3 story homes are being built.  Him staying in the home on the same terms is less than likely.  It's a double lot with a tiny home built in the 30s. The property is listed for 2M.  (sheeez)

Oh, and if it wasn't enough S has had issues with his neck and shoulder that tend to come and go.  About 3 weeks ago, it came and hasn't left.  The pain is to the point that he can barely drive.  He has to come home the 18th for an appt with an orthopedist. Or. . reschedule.  Who knows how this will play out.

I knew this time was coming.  Maybe more so than he did.  In a sad way I was preparing myself to lose him. At least to this degree. The new meds may buy his parents some time.  It's hard to say, but it's merely a band aid.  No matter which angle you view it, it's inevitable.

At times it makes me mad.  My parents anticipated these times.  Even with that navigating their end of life business was grueling.  Even with plans in place.  How is it parents don't even contemplate it?  It just seems selfish. 

I have my plan, a trust and a plan for my long term care so as to not burden my children.  On the other hand, S's mom thought to buy a fully loaded large suv a couple years and no lie, their payment is $890 a month.  Not to mention the gas and insurance.  It costs them over 1k to have that new car sit in garage to go much of no where other than her hair appt and the grocery store.  They previous owned a perfectly good car.  S was livid.  Shame on the dealership that thought to sign these two up for this!  Imagining his tiny mom in a walker and dad shuffling behind her. Aaargh.  It all makes me angry.  But it's just not the time and place.   S says when the time comes, he's driving the suv back to the dealership and tossing the keys on someone's desk and walking out.

All of this is likely to crush S.  We had dinner with friends the night before he left, a couple he's known for most of his life.  When he shared what all was going on, he started to sob and excused himself from the room.  It breaks my heart.

Oh wow. That is a lot. I'm so sorry that you guys are going through this.

[reinventmyself]

Things are on pause for S's parents.  He spent almost 2 wks with them and in his presence, they pretty much behaved themselves.  Assuming that his dad figured she wouldn't be having sex with the neighbor while is son was visiting and at the same time dad resisting acting out with his son there as well. 

Not to say there weren't indications that it would all stir up again.  Dad kept referring to the neighbor and admitting to S he was practicing some self control.  Who knows what will happen without their son there keeping an eye on them.

He's called the last couple mornings to check in and his mom either can't talk with her husband sitting next to her at all times and at the same maybe just saying everything is ok because she's aware of the consequences if it all flares back up again.  So, for now it's a waiting game.

For reasons unknown and it seems like some sort ot divine intervention, but the owner of the home S rents announces she taking off the market.  Such a profound relief for S and given all that's going on.  At least he doesn't have to worry about that.

It's super subtle but in the past few weeks I feel the shift.  I was trying to be patient with myself but all in all leaving my job felt very similar to leaving a toxic marriage (and I've done both)  All the fall out of emotions, adjusting to no longer working and trying to enjoy retirement.  What's helped is having a schedule, whatever that might be.  The free fall of nothing planned was so hard to adjust to. It gave me intense anxiety and having come off of covid the journey hasn't been a straight line.  But I've settled into a routine, where I have commitments 3 days a week, I see S 3 days a week and manage to fit in outings with a friend or two once or twice a week.   I've gone from rambling around feeling isolated for days on end, to now trying to find times to fit things in.

I stopped looking at the budgeting software my financial planner gave me.  I was logging on everyday reviewing things and making adjustments.  At some point I was pretty busy and likely out of town to start with and didn't have time to review it. I noticed my anxiety was a great deal less and haven't logged on since.  I've always been good with my finances.  Dissecting it to that degree didn't serve me well.

[reinventmyself]

I let my little girl kitty go yesterday.  She was 17 and was just deteriorating.  I wrestled with whether what she was experiencing was merely end of life symptoms and then swing over to feeling helpless wanting to do something. Was there something I was missing, was it simply treatable? 

I took Macy to the vet at the end of the day yesterday and after a couple of long hours, lots of tears, I decided to let her go.  My heart is broken.  

I've had cats for the past 23 years and one by one, my home now has this deafening silence.  

This morning already, our little routines, getting her food, her meowing at me through the stair railings sitting on the stairs, impatient.  How long does it take before you stop all the automatic almost subconscious things one does without thinking?  Getting up last night to go the restroom, stepping carefully so I don't step on her in the dark while she gets to the bathroom before I do.  Her sitting here with her right next me and my lap top.

RIP sweet little Macy.  I hope I was a good cat mom to you.  You were the sweetest, most gentle hearted tiny little 5 lb kitty.  No more struggling.  It was a long 2 years and you are at peace now, Peepers ❤️

[boltnrun]

I'm sorry for your loss.

I went through the same thing in October. I still look for her next to me in bed and I'm still careful not to roll over onto "her" side of the bed. I miss petting her and saying "Good night" to her each night. And talking to her and hearing her give me just one small "meow" in response. Her little paws and her cute little face.

I'm sure she knows how much you loved her. She'll be there on the other side when it's your time to join her.

[itsallgrand]

Awww I'm so sorry for your loss. 17! What an amazing long life she lived.

I felt choked up reading you write about her. It seems obvious to me she was very cherished and loved. Precious girl! And I bet you spoiled her rotten giving her wonderful "retirement" years.

 

[reinventmyself]

Due to Macy's age, I walked this through my mind a lot.  What the end would be like.  One would think the process would have prepared me.  After all I lost my last 2 cats unexpectedly.   One over an injury and the other over cancer.  I didn't see either one coming and there was no question whether or not to euthanize them. 

Never the less, I catch myself totally off guard.  17 years is an awfully long time to have a little furry creature by your side, let alone 23 yrs collectively of having furry babies under my feet.  Now the house is so empty, it's jarring.

I've had a couple people try to comfort me by saying something about me being retired, therefore the timing is perfect, and I now have the freedom to come and go.  But the thing is, I have more time, more time at home than I've ever had while I was working.  Of course, vacationing is always a challenge.  It's no difference.  But the stereotype of the retired traveling the world is just that.  A stereotype.

I pack up Macy's things and just put the things I could use again up in the garage.  I won't make any decisions soon.  I have a trip in October, but the thought of never having a little furry friend again seems unimaginable.  In their absence, I now see how much they were my little emotional support kitties.   

It's the grief talking. . .I just miss her terribly.

 

 

[reinventmyself]

I babysat my granddaughter for the past 3 days.  Phew.  It's a reminder why we have children when we are young.  It does catch you off guard how much you love your grandchildren.  I've heard this for years.  Only now do I fully understand.

It was long days, rambling around, coloring, watching cartoons.  Cartoons are just creepy now.  What happened to Looney Toons, or Sesame Street?

Once a year since a breakup in 2009 I have an ex that wishes me happy birthday.  He was about 5 weeks off this year, and I didn't notice until I got an email.  It's typically in a text form, but I didn't think about it either way.  I thanked him and reciprocated a HB seeing our birthdays are a couple weeks apart.  That's always the extent of it and it's no more than a blip on the radar.

From there he emails me an update on the goings on in his life, sons, work etc.  I responded in kind and from there we emailed back and forth for the rest of the day.

This particular relationship ended badly.  It was a messy immature relationship and I learned a lot about what not to do and what I won't tolerate in a relationship.  I have a pattern of not being all in and it often causes insecurities in my relationships.  At the time I didn't feel safe in relationships and often felt like I would be swallowed up and controlled, so I kept a certain amount of distance  (I still do, but I am aware and know how it damages my relationships and I'm always working on being present) 

For him, he didn't feel secure and didn't really close the door of his previous relationship and ran back to it or reached out to her when we would have conflicts, not speak or break up. . .just for us to reconcile. I finally left only to find out he already had a coworker lined up for my replacement.   It's all a pretty cringeworthy time in my life.  But I learned a lot about myself and relationships.

We are emailing back and forth, and I recognize at some point that this is going down a path that doesn't feel respectful to my current relationship.  I admit I was bored, liked the attention and continued just a little longer.  Just long enough for him to send me a long email apologizing for his part and how after all this time he's never stopped thinking about me.  It was very personal and endearing.

In the moment it all comes back to me that I met this man when he wasn't fully detached from his previous relationship.  I wasn't aware of this for the first few months.  He reached out to her and other women during our conflicts. (I conveniently made excuses for his insecurities, that I caused them and was at fault) He was livid, hostile and angry when I ended it.  He was the absolute victim, yet had a date with someone new the following night. 

Years later, he shared with me that he went to therapy and learned somethings about himself and had changed into an entirely different person.  I was happy for him, but it had no impact on my life at that time and I was already several years separated from that time in my life.

So as much as enjoyed the email exchanges, it flashes to me that he currently has a girlfriend and nothing much has changed. 13 years later he still seeks attention from others to the point that he crosses the line.  His profession of lingering feelings was initially flattering until I took a moment to see this for what it is.  This doesn't make me entirely innocent, sensing it was about to go down this path and it's not exactly respectful to my relationship.  But I didn't initiate it and I didn't encourage it.  I wouldn't have a problem with my bf catching up with an ex if it was all done with the right and respectful intentions.

A day of exchanges I abruptly shut it down.  I told him something benign, that things all happen for a reason and life lessons have a way of shaping us into entirely different people.   With that I said a firm goodbye and take care.  He doubled back with something else very vulnerable, and I didn't respond.

 

 

 

[Jibralta]

5 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

It does catch you off guard how much you love your grandchildren.  I've heard this for years.  Only now do I fully understand.

How interesting!

[Jibralta]

5 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

He was the absolute victim, yet had a date with someone new the following night.

I soooo briefly touched upon this phenomena in my journal, just this afternoon (a post which has been flagged for review, it seems). It wasn't a lot; I just noticed this particular irony today.

5 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

I told him something benign, that things all happen for a reason and life lessons have a way of shaping us into entirely different people.   With that I said a firm goodbye and take care.  He doubled back with something else very vulnerable, and I didn't respond.

Perfect.

[reinventmyself]

2 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I soooo briefly touched upon this phenomena in my journal, just this afternoon (a post which has been flagged for review, it seems). It wasn't a lot; I just noticed this particular irony today.

Perfect.

Of course I had to go look for yours.  Curious why they flagged it, maybe mistaking it for something else.   

And yes, ironic.  Ex's tend to jump at it of the bushes at me sometimes.  But I think it's the same for everyone. . Right??

[Jibralta]

13 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

Curious why they flagged it, maybe mistaking it for something else. 

Me too. The only thing I can think is that I uploaded an old photo of my bio-dad. But it's over 30 years old and he's wearing a mask, so it's not like it's something that is identifiable.  

13 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

And yes, ironic.  Ex's tend to jump at it of the bushes at me sometimes.  But I think it's the same for everyone. . Right??

As the saying goes: when it rains, it pours.

[reinventmyself]

I woke up yesterday in a funk.  It's been years since I felt this low and while trying to get some household chores done, I instead chose to curl up on my bed and get lost in the tv.  I finally got up to get dressed around 1pm only because I had to be somewhere.

Trying to sort out what triggered it.  It's a combination of a few things.   I love my bf.  We are still adjusting to list of things.  When I met him, though he retired early, he helped out his friend's business and worked a couple days a week.  He played on two softball teams and had games a couple days a week. He surfed several mornings a week.  He golfed at least once, maybe twice a week.  All this has changed over the past 5 years due to a shoulder injury and after a recent MRI, bone spurs in his neck.  He stopped working for his friend some time ago.  The neck is aggravated by surfing.  The shoulder effects his softball and the two combined will keep him from golfing very often.  He's like a hyperactive kid, now with not much to do.

When I first met him, I took notice of his very full life and it was one of the things I found the most attractive.  I've been in relationships where my partner wanted me to be their everything and if I suspected it, it would have been the very thing I would pass on.

Add in my retirement.  Though I am much better I am trying to find my stride.  I am not good at sitting still, but at least when I was working that down time on weekends was a privilege.  Now I am provided the privilege of too much down time that I am trying to fill up. 

S and I have a lot in common.  We do fun activities that we both enjoy, but it realistically can't be non stop.  Besides, I don't have the income I used to to sponsor some activities so there's limit and I don't expect S to sponsor everything.  As much as not everything costs money, but if you pay close attention, you almost spend something whenever you leave the house.  This became more apparent during covid when you realized how much you saved when you never left the house!

What used to be fun weekends, bbqing, walking to the beach, bike riding and sitting in the backyard, watching movies is now getting old.   It's the downtime I spend at his home that is causing me to feel restless and tipping over to feeling depressed.  I've never been a big tv watcher, but we spend a good deal of time in front of the tv.  We honestly have exhausted everything before we sit down.  We are social and go out with others and have them over.  But living out of my overnight bag and sitting at his house is wearing on me. 

At least when I am in my home, I can clean my sock drawer, pull weeds, prattle around.  There is never a lack of things to do. I can ramble around all day, never sitting down and can't exactly tell you what I accomplished.  S can be the master of relaxing.  Or at least it doesn't make him feel guilty like it does me.   I run a little more wound up and sitting around too much feels like I am doing something wrong.  With a lack of anything else to do in his home, I end up staring at my phone.  We don't spend much time at my home, as his is more comfortable for a long list of reasons, mostly due to being at the beach and everything within walking distance.

Last weekend we rode our new Ebikes, listened to music on the beach, came home, bbq'd and agreed on a movie. Putting this writing, it sounds great. S decided to shower first and when he came back to the couch he wanted to check a football game for a few minutes.  With that he dosed off.  After about an hour of looking at my phone, with football in the background, I changed the channel.  He woke up about an hour later and wanted to know if I was ready for the movie. I declined after having sat there watching him sleep for two hours.  I am now ready for bed and he's of course wide awake.  This or something similar has become a typical scenario.

I get that if we were married or lived together we wouldn't be shadowing each others every move.  We'd both being going about our days and circle back together at the end of the day.  The pattern we have now isn't working for me and I often decline going over to his home in the middle of the week.  There have been times I get there and find ourselves both sitting at the dining room table, him looking at his tablet and with the lack of anything else to do, I am looking at my phone in the middle of a sunny day.  I no sooner got there once and abruptly announced I needed to leave.  

My life has changed plenty and I spend a good amount of time home alone.  I see my friends once or twice a week. I work two days a week and volunteer on one afternoon.  But the changes in S's life has him home alone wanting my company for entertainment.  I often find myself sitting there, especially last Saturday while he watched football with his eyes closed wondering exactly why I am there.  

The reality is there isn't always going to be something to do.  I just haven't figured how to not let this stress our relationship. But it is starting to.  It's also partly due to still trying to adjust to a life that doesn't have me running around like my hairs on fire.  I'm so glad I don't have to do that anymore but at the same time that's been my normal for a couple decades.  

I can guess that part of my funk is the loss of my kitty. I google 5 stages of grief and the last, depression.  The first few days was really rough and then I got busy with work and what-not, stuffing the loss and being at S's home.  Everything caught up with me at home alone.   Having said that, I am feeling better this morning.

I wasn't able to do my cat shelter volunteer shift last week, having to babysit my granddaughter.  I figured it was just as well seeing having lost Macy was too recent and I didn't know if I would be ready. I returned yesterday.  I have a habit of picking my favorite kittens in the past, seeing them go to new homes always tugs a little.  I go in yesterday eager to see one of my last favorites, Yogi and even trying on the idea of what would it be like if I brought this little boy home.  I go in to hear that though he's there, he's been adopted and leaving today.  My reaction was so disproportionate and catches me off guard.  I sat on the floor of the room with him on my lap and felt super emotional.  On my way out at the end of my shift, I went back into the room he's in to hold him and say goodbye.  I went to my car and cried. Saying goodbye to any kitty hit's just a little to close at this moment. Needless to say, it was maybe still a little too early for me to do my shift. But having gotten through it, next week has to be better.

S calls me on my way home to see how my shift went and he wants me to come over.  I decline. Going to his home just to sit in the same chair I do every time I'm there for endless hours wasn't something I could do.

I don't know how to get out of this cycle with S.  I know he feels pressured to entertain me or I'll leave and it's not fair to him.  At the same time, when I met him I thought we'd be a great fit seeing he had such a full life of his own.  Now neither of us have these crazy jam packed lives and I am trying to figure out how to make it work.

[reinventmyself]

A little over five years ago, I euthanized my 14 year old cat Xena due to having cancer.  It was unexpected and I was gutted.  Little Macy was left behind and at 12 she was rather lost, being the submissive of the two and was only brave as Xena was, being her constant shadow.  Without Xena, Macy retreated to the closet, under the bed and only came out when I was in the room.  

It was really way too early but I got the idea I would adopt an adult female cat to keep Macy company.  I went to the shelter (the one I now volunteer at) and was talked into adopting a kitten. I was told it would be easier for the two to bond, despite their ages.  It wasn't initially what I wanted, knowing that the 12 year difference would put in me in the exact same position in a few years, needing to cycle in a new cat to keep company with the existing cat. 

4 days of sitting with the kitten who had horrible separation anxiety, who howled like it was hurt if I left his sight.  Sensitive Macy hiding upstairs, hissing and no longer eating.  Me, still emotional over the loss of Xena and wondering how long, if ever these two would bond, I decided it was best to surrender the kitten.  I cried the entire time and volunteer that had helped me, greeted me to return the kitten.  They couldn't have been any more compassionate.  Nevertheless, I still felt embarrassed, while trying to do what was best for all 3 of us.

Now, being a volunteer there myself, these senior women are almost militant about who they will allow adopt. Now being cat-less, I am leaning towards getting another cat.  I have the privilege of spending time with these cats and getting to know them pretty well before making that up to 20 year commitment.  I read the application and two of the questions - having you adopted a cat from us before - have you surrendered a cat before, make my heart sink.

Now I have a problem.   When I disclose my past experience, they could deny me any adoption.  Second dilemma - now I volunteer my time at a place that wouldn't trust me to own any of the very cats I spend my time helping socialize?

Uhg.  Just trying to wrap my head around this. If I decide to get a new cat I may have find it elsewhere just to sidestep the talk I keep rehearsing in my head.  No idea how it would be received, and it may taint my volunteer experience altogether. 

[boltnrun]

I think they'd understand the circumstances. If not, going elsewhere is an option.

There's a "cat lounge" just a few blocks from my apartment. People can book a time slot to pet and cuddle the cats, all of which are available for adoption. I'd love to go there but I know I'd come home with five cats 😆