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Second Half


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I had an honest moment chatting with friend that this feels very similar to ending relationship and being afraid of being alone.   So you stay too long.   I struggled with a little bit of anxiety and depression after covid, working from home and leaving my job.  I really wanted this to be the answer. I'm trying to talk myself into being bigger than this and leaving a job that isn't a good fit for me to go back to feeling that discomfort.  But it's that very discomfort I need to feel to motivate me to do something different.   Not just sit in the middle of something that isn't working.

Then there's that little part of me that wants to stick it out a little longer to see if there's any change and not just walk away without considering all angles first. Because unlike a bad boyfriend this will change.  Unfortunately just not soon enough for me

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My anxiety was running the show yesterday.  Hence all the journal updates, gearing myself up to do something uncomfortable.

I went in and got the same drill.  Asking R for updates for outstanding work she started the previous 2 days.  I am getting the frustrating typical one word answers.  When I sensed this, I asked her if there was any update about her stalled project and she shook her head no with pursed lips.  

With that it all spilled out.  I told her I wanted her to know first before I spoke to S, but I thought it best that I step away until which time they really need me. I respected that this was her job and as long as she had nowhere to go, there wasn't enough work for the both of us.  And at this point the transition for her to move on was indefinite.  She was like a bobble head nodding her head, smiling and agreeing while I spoke.  We exchanged a few more words that immediately broke the tension when she realized we were on the exact same page.

I walked out to find S.  I pretty much said the same thing to her, but slid in the mention of the subtle pull back of responsibilities after last week's update of the project being stalled.  I told her that I may be in the drivers seat (sitting behind the desk) but I am not driving.  I told her I'd be happy to return when they needed me.  She was totally caught off guard.  After a moment of silence, she asked me if she could think about it.  I agreed and walked away.

I tend to take a long time making important decisions.  But when I process something such as this so thoroughly and if I get to that point that I am done, I am 100 percent done and ok with it.  I imagined getting in my car and going home.  To be sent back to the office was almost too hard a shift to navigate in my little brain.  This was not how I played this out in my mind. . lol

I walked back in sharing with R that S was caught off guard and needed to think about it.  The weird part was I told S I was stepping down. I wasn't asking for permission.  What's to think about?  But, ok.  I'll settle down, curious to see what happens next.

10 minutes later S came in and started delegating, mostly to me.   "I want YOU to do this" pointing at me.  She rattled off 4 different tasks.  With that she turned to R who sits at the front of my desk with her laptop (R's constant proximity wears on me)  "And YOU. . don't need to sit there.  You can use my desk"  (but R says she's fine and doesn't move. uhg)

Anyway, the rest of the day S volleyed things my way all day.  "put a stamp on this, review these invoices, send an email to so&so"  

The day flew by and I am still not quite sure what to make of it.  Was she doing me a favor or was this a form of punishment?  I just rolled with it and left at the end of the day laughing a little to myself and scratching my head.

But what positive came out of it was the tension broke.  Telling R that I respected that it was her job and I wanted to step aside so she could do it, I was no longer seen as an adversary.  The remainder of the day she was very helpful and sharing information with me that she hadn't before.  I am uncertain where S stands.   She was either trying to fix a problem or annoyed by it.   I think my saying that there wasn't enough work for me was taken personally. Especially in light of sharing with that was the only concern I had when she offered me the job.  I told her I wasn't a good clock watcher and needed to be busy.

It could go either way.  R and I were either seen as two kids in trouble, or all 3 of us had to step back and take a moment to look at ourselves along with the bigger picture.

I don't know how long this will play out.  Can't help but think this is temporary.  Outside of being the director, S is a trainer and is outside most of the day.  She can't maintain this pace running in and out slinging paper clip counting jobs at me justify my staying.  But in the meantime, I might actually learn the job if R continues to communicate with me like she did yesterday.  After all I am in my 2nd month there.  sheez

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'He's very domestic.  Loves to cook. Loves to nest and have his home a certain way.  I, on the other hand have never had to run anything past a man where food and household things are concerned.  I have a hard time getting even near the kitchen when he's around.  We joke that it's as if there are two women in the house.  I try to wrap my head around what it might be like if he moved into my home.  It would be a power struggle. Or he's likely to just submit and not be happy.  He tends to mother me at times that makes me really bristly.

'He is the only child who is responsible for his parents end of life business.  They are well into their 80's and a handful.  I've handled both my parents end of life situations and it's forever changed me.  I can support him in this life-stage, but I can't do it for him. (thats what I keep telling myself)  I tend to be sponge for other's emotions.  As much as I am concerned for him and sense his stress, it tends to stress me out as well.  I have an older brother and as stereotypes will have it, men will often easily step back if a women steps forward in these caretaking matters.  I suspect he might let go and let me do it, seeing I have the unfortunate experience managing these difficult times. . and they aren't even my parents.

'I own my home and managed to navigate my expenses so I could retire.  Moving away from here in any capacity means I take on a monthly payment of some sort.  I could rent my home and make the move with him with the income it generates, but when I imagine going through all that, I apparently don't want to do it bad enough to make the sacrifice. I am so incredibly afraid of the risk that it wouldn't go well and the stress of undoing it all paralyzes me.   I've seen so many happy couples cross this line, only to have it fall apart.

'He currently rents a small two bedroom home and it's likely one of his parents will move in with him when the other one passes.   Either indefinitely or when and if they come up with a plan.  I've encouraged him to have this conversation with his parents, but they don't.  It's more than likely that his mom will be the surviving one.   She is more than a handful and has a notorious reputation.  She is so vocal and opinionated; I can't help but think she intentionally doesn't address the elephant in the room because she already has an agenda in place.  It's not like her in any capacity to hold her tongue.  He's so much as admitted it.   I can handle her for a day and then the good behavior wears off.  She is loud, opinioned, negative and at times abusive.  She doesn't talk with you.  She talks at you.  Very loudly and nonstop.  She's 84, feisty as hell and will likely live well into her 90's.  Multiple surgeries has her limited to a walker that makes her even more frustrated and difficult.   

'My bfs demeanor changes around her.  At times I don't even recognize him.  He's tense, quiet and stressed.  If it's any indication, he leaves the room everytime I show up, leaving me alone with her for hours.   He didn't realize he was doing this and pointed it out, asking him to lesson doing this unless it was necessary.  There was nothing subtle about it.  His mom gives me major anxiety and feel absolutely drained and stressed around her.  For that matter, everyone does.  Spending considerable time with her, let alone living with her is an absolute no for me.  I feel engulfed and swallowed up head first by her.

'His parents live in a neighboring state, with no support so leaving one there alone isn't a possibility.  He spends one week a month there tending to them. His mom only gets a portion her husband's pension when he passes, so there isn't much money for her housing. Certainly not in this state.  State assistance often means lesser quality living environments.  She's so difficult placing her will be challenging, if not impossible. He visits his parents monthly and one visit drove himself to ER one evening because his blood pressure was so high due to stress.  So, when my mind contemplates moving in with him or renting a home together, it's a hard stop when I remember his mom will be part of household.  He can't move in with me because I have stairs.  I admit to myself that is a creates a convenient excuse for me to keep things status quo.  Not sure why I feel so guilty at times. But I am so concerned for him.

'He's an extrovert.  I am in introvert.  This combo is no way unusual.  But I've basically lived alone my entire adult life.  Previously married to a fireman, a general contractor on the side, he was rarely home.  I lived alone before I was married and have lived alone since my divorce. (not including raising two sons)  I don't think at this point in my life I can cohabitate with a man.  I plan on making one of the upstairs empty bedrooms a tv room. I picture us occupying two different floors just so I can hide and find some space.  I love him dearly but his extroverted ways tend to drain me at times.  For that matter, most people do. I accept the fact that I will always need to be alone to recharge my batteries, often.  He's understands this about me, but often doesn't know when to back off.  I have to be almost shut down and non-responsive for him to understand that he's just a little much at times and I've reached my limit.  I am not alone thinking he's a handful.  Those closest to him often make mention of it.  He's the life of party. But it's not always easy to navigate.

'We don't argue.  I know this sounds weird, but it's a combination of a lot of good reasons.  We are both decent people, who have learned hard lessons from past disappointing relationships.  He honestly brings out the best in me and we are able to hear each other, step outside of ourselves and genuinely care about the other's feelings, putting them first when needed.   I have learned from previous years of therapy that I have a tendency to be conflict avoidant and I read that on him.  Though we haven't really had many tests to resolve conflicts, we have managed them well.  There are times I sense he stuffs things.  I know because I was that way.  There has only been maybe 3 or 4 times in 4+ years that I have seen him reach a point of frustration that he turns ugly.  There is an unreasonable ugly meanness somewhere buried deep inside. Likely due to the accumulation of stuffed things.  He admits it. "I can be a real ***" I've seen it and have been on the receiving end of it. There is no reasoning in these moments.  Not to belabor it.  Noone is perfect.  3 times in 4 years is a great run, but I'm afraid of the stress of moving in and coupled with his parents as a stress test. I don't want to risk it.  In those few moments I feel that old fight or flight response and when that switch is flipped for me, it doesn't take much for me to end it and not look back. 

'How does one do that when you both live together and have nowhere to go?  I know if I was able to see my old therapist and I told him we didn't argue, he'd tell me that was neither a great nor a realistic sign.

This is the spiral argument I have with myself about every other month.  The first couple years he used to campaign for us to either get married or live together.  Now he doesn't.  He's either given up or seen the bigger picture.  He has told me more than once that he would never expect me to live with his mother.  He wouldn't do that to anybody.  He also was married for second time for a short period and moved into another womans home.  He never felt at home and she never made the effort to see that he did.  She actually did the opposite. I can only imagine he might feel the same way or at least feel somewhat hypervigilant about it. If I'm honest, I try to imagine what it would take to make him feel at home and I can feel that territorial feeling bubble up.  I am not used to sharing my home. Not in that way. I really never had to.

I often think he would still campaign for living together, but if push came to shove he wouldn't do it.  At this point, by convenience, I get to be the gatekeeper.

I spin this all around and then work on giving myself permission to let it go and not feel guilty.   At least people have stopped asking us when we are getting married.

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 2/25/2022 at 4:48 PM, Jibralta said:

In reading that, it seems like (in a nutshell) the two primary concerns you have are 1) his parents, and 2) cohabitation. The parents are a heavy situation. And they would affect cohabitation for sure.

always impressed that you have the patience to sit through my rambles 🙂

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  • 2 weeks later...

Things seem to have turn a corner for me emotionally.  (finger's crossed)

It's been a long two years, from working remotely, the isolation of covid and then an early retirement.  I've had this awful gnawing sense of discontent that I couldn't seem to shake. I just felt lost.  Retirement was necessary but not suiting me and I was being hard on myself that I couldn't just snap out of it.

Now with the benefit of time and some shifts in things I didn't have control over, I feel much more grateful for this privilege.  I still work two afternoons a week at the equestrian center, golf with my friends once a week and spend time with my bf and family on other days, leaving myself a day to two alone to do what I want. I had lunch with a couple friends yesterday. It's the balance I had been seeking for what seemed like so long and now the anxiety and heaviness has lifted.

I met with my financial planner again to execute a plan.  I had been living on my savings for the past 6 months.   I've always had this need to feel super safe where money is concerned and tend to be overly cautious.  Having to adjust my mindset from having an income and saving my entire life, to no longer having an income and spending the money I've saved isn't easy by any stretch.  But it's doable.  Obsessed with watching the volatile stock market daily, I have no idea if I am rich or poor on any given day.  But I am much better at not stressing about it.  

A couple of dramatic updates at the stables suggest that they may be asking me to pick up a couple extra days at work sooner than I thought.  I am a firm on only 2 days. That and this has whole thing has dragged out for months.  In between the time I first spoke with them and now, I've committed myself to other things.  I am just not in a place to wait around for them.  No harm.  It's just timing. 

Plus going into the office at noon is part time, but there isn't much to do from the time I wake up and walk out the door at 11:30. So the two afternoons in reality eat up my entire day.  Giving up 4 days a week is too close to feeling full time.  If this was the case I would have kept my job and made 3-4x the hourly pay, plus benefits.

In the meantime the two young ladies were being overly nice.  Mind you, they are always nice but it was at a different level that made me wonder what was going on.  The director announces she wants me to speak to one of the trainers on site and she will be paying for my riding lessons?   I am kinda speechless and thank her.  But I have yet to take her up on her offer.  I have a lot of riding experience, I don't want them investing in me so I in turn feel obligated and I don't know how sitting in saddle is going to sharpen my office skills.  So, far now I just remain quiet.

It was always a goal of mine to own a horse someday.  Now the timing is perfect when I crunch the numbers and commitment, I walk around the stables chanting to myself that *I will not get horse fever.  It's tempting. Those that work at the center put a portion of their pay towards boarding.  It just so happens what I make would cover boarding.  But it would commit me to doing it indefinitely or paying up front for it.  I would be lying if I said I haven't gone to equine sales websites and mulled the idea around in my head a few times.  I just think the older you get the less responsibility you want.  

For the past year I had been going to a local animal shelter website that has a separate cattery that I really like.  Due to covid there hasn't been any volunteer opportunities.  With that they opened, offering registration for Feb and March orientations, but both were full.  I was just contacted for April's orientation.  I will go, not knowing exactly what the commitment is.  But I've waiting this long.

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1 hour ago, reinventmyself said:

she will be paying for my riding lessons?

WOOT! I would jump on that so fast lol

1 hour ago, reinventmyself said:

It just so happens what I make would cover boarding

You know, you don't have to buy a horse to enjoy riding! Just take the free lessons 😀

If you really want the one-horse bond, you can probably lease a horse for significantly less $ than boarding... Or you can do what I did, exercise horses for people who don't have time to ride as much as they want. Although, with this last option, the owners really have to know you and trust how you ride.

I always liked the lesson horses, though. They get a bad rap because they have bad habits, but I think it's fun to ride different horses--especially the bad ones lol.

Sorry, I've gone into horseback riding tunnel vision. I'm extremely susceptible. 

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2 hours ago, Jibralta said:

WOOT! I would jump on that so fast lol

You know, you don't have to buy a horse to enjoy riding! Just take the free lessons 😀

If you really want the one-horse bond, you can probably lease a horse for significantly less $ than boarding... Or you can do what I did, exercise horses for people who don't have time to ride as much as they want. Although, with this last option, the owners really have to know you and trust how you ride.

I always liked the lesson horses, though. They get a bad rap because they have bad habits, but I think it's fun to ride different horses--especially the bad ones lol.

Sorry, I've gone into horseback riding tunnel vision. I'm extremely susceptible. 

I figured this would get your attention 😉

I  would take her up on it but I currently feel like the job is a day-to-day thing.  I'd hate to accept the offer and then decline helping them with a couple extra days or quitting all together.  

I suspect there is a need for people to exercise horses for owners that are unable to for out of town.  Again,. I'd have to commit emotionally and otherwise first.

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  • 2 weeks later...

My old employer is changing health insurance, again.  Just so happens they will go back to a carrier my dr's won't take.  The cost of Cobra is expensive and I am shopping around to find something affordable on my own.  So far the quotes seem too good to be true, but I'll save a considerable amount of money monthly and still have really good insurance.  I haven't signed anything yet and I feel like I am dealing with used car salesmen.

Perplexing that the company I worked for is a Dr owned coop, liability company.  In order to keep their premiums down they are constantly cutting corners by buying getto health insurance for the very employees that represent them in their lawsuits and claims. 

Googling ratings for United Health Care.  1.4 out of 10!   Seems not right that a friend who works for Costco has amazing insurance.  But yet we work for the dr's and I cannot see a decent dr???  Ugh.  How is this possible?  Thanks for reminding me why I left. 

Appt's are booked 6-7 wks out and if you have an immediate issue you routinely  instructed to go to Urgent Care.  This HMO urgent care is like something out of nightmare seeing that the *hall is full of people who can't be seen by their physicians as well. Twice that same year I waited weeks for the appt, only to get a phone call the morning of to tell me that the dr couldn't see me and had to reschedule.   Staying with UC I'd basically be paying over 1K monthly to have my health managed by urgent care and not be seen in a dr's office.

The following year when they changed back to Aetna, I showed up in my old dr's office (of 20 yrs) and burst into tears.  I feel like we live in a 3rd world country were health care is concerned.

As much as this stuff winds me up, due to bad experiences and some minor, but chronic health issues, what came out of this is, even though I fretted about the news the other day, lost some sleep over it, I realized I don't really have much to fret about anymore.  Yeeeeaaars of restless nights, anxious about work, what transpired and what was waiting for me.  While in a constant state of arousal my tolerance of other things was low and I fretted over life events needlessly. That was my normal.  Almost in a constant state of high alert.  It's no wonder I have some health issues now.  It feels like I fried my wires after years of this.

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I hear ya on the health insurance frustrations. Does CA participate in ACA? I don't think the prices are all that great, frankly. But they sure beat the crap out of Cobra.

35 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

Yeeeeaaars of restless nights, anxious about work, what transpired and what was waiting for me.  While in a constant state of arousal my tolerance of other things was low and I fretted over life events needlessly. That was my normal.  Almost in a constant state of high alert. 

I'm sure this thought pattern has been scribed into you now. Thoughts flow down certain paths without you even realizing it. That realization that you don't need to fret anymore must have felt so good. Hopefully, it happens more and more!


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I have "Obamacare". It's pricey but about half what I would have to pay through the staffing agency. And I can get appointments within a week or two weeks at most. Fortunately I haven't had to go to the ER or get emergency care.

And I hear you about the constant "fight or flight". I've finally been able to overcome that tendency but it took about a year and a half of therapy and meds.

I'm glad you don't have to deal with that anymore.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I am coming to believe that when you reach that point of retiring, you just can't go back.  My tolerance was so far gone with the job I left; I just can't seem to have any tolerance for this new little side gig.

Every week I keep asking myself why I don't quit.  With the stock market looking a lot like a bleeding artery, I went from wanting a part job as an outlet, to now having it more frustrating than enjoyable. I am afraid to walk away from the $580 a month it brings in.  It's not much in the scheme of things but if the plan was to live on my investments, I don't feel very safe at the moment.  If things were to turn around tomorrow, I'd give my notice.

The equestrian office is basically run like a **it show.  I am given free rein to implement some order just to have the young ladies not adhere to anything on the days I am not in the office.  They just don't care, and their priority is being with their horses, training as their primary job, with the benefit of free rent.  So, they do the minimal to just get buy.  Things are messy and inconsistent.  I end up feeling like I am the one who cares the most about how the business is run.  This level of responsibility was not part of my plan.  

My son, who is friends with the directors (my bosses) husband tells me that they hired me to *fix things.  It's become apparent that because I am not distracted by things I'd rather be doing if I did own a horse there, it would smart to hire one person solely dedicated to the office. But that wasn't my plan.  I wanted something I could walk away from and not care about.

I never know what expect every Thursday.  This week, two important voicemails unheard.  One from the Monday and the other Tuesday.  One of them from a current boarder notifying the office they will be moving in a 2nd horse tomorrow.  So many moving parts to make this happen and I can't tell anything had been done.  What did I do?   Sent an email to the other two inquiring if they knew and they didn't respond. I know they read emails. The director responded to one I sent immediately after.

Equestrian centers have been in lock down due to a virus outbreak and no moves until May 1st.  At least that's the last I know and I have to ask for updates every week because it's not volunteered.   In the meantime the two I work with weren't around because they took their horses off site.  I could go on, but I just feel like I am chasing my tail and doing damage control most of the time.

I am not losing sleep over this.  It's on them.  Who doesn't even listen to vm's all week?

I had been vocal about the horses feed.  There are laminated signs for each stall.  Well, there are supposed be signs for each stall.  There are colored stickers indicating the type feed, when to be fed and other services paid for.  About 60 to 70 % of the time, when I get a request for a change I find the existing sign does not reflect what they have previously requested and are being billed for.  I go through the trouble creating a damn side, laminating it just to walk, sometimes pretty far to find the current sign wrong.  I can't add or take a service away from an incorrect standing order and have to walk all the way back to investigate, throw away the sign and redo it.  In the meantime they raised feed rates for May due to losses.  But if it isn't audited and managed in minimally decent way, you are bound to lose money.  Not to mention these boarders are believe they are paying for something they aren't really getting.  

I find myself mumbling the same words to sooth myself that I did at my previous job.  "if you don't care, I don't"   It relieves my frustration temporarily, but it's clear that I am once again trying to make chaos feel comfortable. 

I just need to stop . . .  

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I'm sure it's because you care about the clients and especially about the horses.  It would be hard not to.  But you'd be surprised how many people only do what they think is required of them and nothing further.  Just the bare minimum.

I was asked to "help support" another office because their person in my position sadly suddenly passed away.  Weeks go by and they keep adding more and more responsibilities to me.  They put in a requisition to hire someone for the position but it's been over two months and they haven't hired anyone yet.  And they keep adding more and more to me and demanding to know when I'll be getting their work done.  And I remind them I have my own work to do and their work will be done when I have time.  It's frustrating but in this case it's their own issue and thankfully no animals are relying on them for care because they'd go uncared for!

Could you find another, less stressful and frustrating part time position?  I always thought I'd work in a hotel gift shop or something like that when I retired.  Probably not now because I don't want to be around crowds, but maybe there's something else you might be interested in doing?

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20 hours ago, boltnrun said:

 maybe there's something else you might be interested in doing?

yes. . I feel like I need to line something up before I let this go.  Not sure why, just a nagging feeling.

Outside of the negatives, the positives are I only work two afternoons a week and if I need one of those off, I just tell them.   It's pretty convenient.  I don't know where I'll find a job with these hours and this flexibility.

And your frustrating situation is a perfect reminder that it's highly likely I could find another job that comes with it's own frustrations.  It just comes with a job and the personalities I suppose.  I know it's possible, but it's the minority of people that say they love their job.  That's why it's called a job and not a hobby-I keep telling myself 😉 

I wrestle with wondering if it's just me and lack of tolerance and resilience at this point in my life.   I could very well find another job and find myself in the same situation.  


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  • 3 weeks later...

Had a really nice Mothers Day.  My two sons, daughter in law and baby took me out to brunch.  I don't typically like to go out with the masses on Mothers Day and have often suggested we celebrate at home or another day.  But I was thrilled to have them all together, when work schedules often conflict.  Not to mention my youngest son having to divide Mothers Day three ways with his own wife, that he acknowledged the day previously and his MIL the day prior.  3 full days for him, that and a fussy toddler, I appreciate the effort and it was nice day.

My oldest, chauffeur has a habit of not taking me home and finding a round two place for the two of us to continue.  We sat at a waterfront restaurant and enjoyed some more drinks for a couple more hours.  Mom is always thrilled that her son seems to genuinely like to hang out with her.  He had worked the day before and basically hadn't slept in 24 hours.  I had to be the one to tell him we needed to wrap it up and get him home so he could get some sleep.  My heart if full.

Post Covid we've all seen the lower level service, lower quality etc, as places struggle to get on track.  But I keep bumping into an over all complacency across the board almost everywhere I go.  Most recently my old employer, while changing health insurance providers, failed to enroll me in Cobra.  Does it matter that I spoke with them directly regarding the check I sent that would be considered overpayment.  They had no problem cashing it, but failed to enroll me.  It's almost straightened but went to dentist appt yesterday who was kind enough to postpone billing.

I met with my financial planner in March to do my taxes and come up with firm financial plan.  Beginning 4/1 I began taking a monthly disbursement from my investments.  May payment doesn't come. I try to be patient for the first week only to dig around on the website to see he wrote in the box that asks if it's reoccurring, he puts in 'One time only"   

I had to pay taxes and he arranged to have it drawn directly from my checking account.  10 days past, he keeps telling me to be patient.  Day 10 I realize he inputted my deceased Mothers closed trust account numbers.  I am now being fined for late payment.  Grrrrr.  Two blunders like this and I am considering looking for another advisor.

The two very things that keep me awake at night, having retired . My income and health insurance and neither were in place.  Both of these things bumbled simultaneously kept me even more awake for a few nights.

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My bf's parent's situation is declining.   87 yr old Dad his first dr appt to be evaluated for dementia last week.  He's been having outbursts lately, accusing his wife of sleeping with neighbor and stealing his money.  Weirdly familiar as my Dad said basically similar things, as well as others I know that who's parents succumbed to dementia or Alzheimer's. 

83 yr old Mom who's limited to a walker from multiple back and knee surgeries is simultaneously referred to an oncologist for likely cancerous gynecological mass.  S returns next week to follow up with Dad's MRI and Moms oncologist appt.  She's been bleeding heavily at times and refuses to go to ER as the Dr advised, but would rather wait another 10 days for her appt. 

It's a perfect storm of issues that have put a strain on S that I can't even explain.  Being the only surviving son and with the parents in another state, he's traveling back and forth constantly.  The parents bicker viciously and at a previous time S drove himself to the emergency room when he thought to test his blood pressure with the device his parents had on the table.

I have to bite my tongue.  I've been aware for some time but even more so now that his parents have no plan or no idea how they want to navigate the end of life process and all that it entails.  I did dare to get close to the nerve and ask him if his parents had a life insurance policy. (they don't)  Because if his Dad was to go first his wife is only entitled to a portion of his pension with no SS.  It's not enough for her to live on, let alone the likely hood of them both needing to be placed any moment soon.  They are nearing or maybe even past the point of living independently and are a medical emergency away from this blowing up on all of them.

I mentioned to S the other day that something just did not add up.  I pointed out that even at our age we all think about what our end of life might look like, how it would impact our kids and what our wishes might be.  Clearly his parents have considered this.  How is it they have no plan and all of this is left to S to sort out?  I get angry if I think of it long enough.  It's seems incredibly selfish.  My parents may have over planned, but even with that all the business of handling their health and estate according to their wishes with all the careful planning was grueling.  And it's not like his parents didn't have a good life as well as good fortune to begin with.  For that matter his mom thought to buy a new large SUV last year (that she can barely drive and rarely leaves the garage) with a monthly payment over $900.  I can't make this sh*t up.

I spoke to his mom the other day over the phone and she started crying.  Not for herself, she pointed out but how she didn't want to impact her sons life.  I am speechless and can't even find the words to respond to that. Or afraid of spilling out what I was actually thinking about her comment.  It's all so sad.  I feel somewhat guilty at times over my attitude about all this.  I suppose it's my protectiveness over S that spills out.   That and projecting my own fear knowing what's in store.

During his visit last week, they only just now got the medical directive and power of attorney in order.  Probably only because I have nagged him for the last 3 years to do it.  Why his parents hadn't even considered it is beyond me.

S will end up being the primary caretaker.  It's not like he isn't already.  Just not full time.  It may mean his needs to move a state away to live with them or bring them home to his house.  He's a great guy and has the capicity to do it, to an extent.  It's not the physical part that will wear on him so much, it's the emotional he's not equipped to do.  His mom is an angry opinionated, rager and difficult beyond description.  One at time is enough to break the best, but simultaneously. .  I more than concerned for his wellbeing.

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Casual dinner with another couple on Tuesday.  Wife mentions she just recovered from Covid having tested positive 7 days prior.  No mention of a negative test to confirm it.  Much rather they volunteered the info prior to dinner, rather than in the middle of it. Uhg.
Last night a small get together to celebrate a friend's birthday.  Similar thing.  Friend sits next to me sharing she tested negative that same day after having Covid all week.  The friend on the other side of me shares she had a cold all week and though feeling better didn't think it necessary to test seeing she already had Covid.

Bf's sons gf's birthday dinner tomorrow.  I seriously feel like I am asking for it at this point.  Not to mention a little bugged how the son is handling the whole thing -

He invited 20 for surprise dinner tomorrow at 5.  Yet most, including myself work until 5.  His Dad calls him on speaker phone to confirm the time and the son runs through the list of invited that can't make it until later.  Imagining the awkwardness of a surprise with most people not even there.

Son is notoriously frugal and his Dad half jokingly asks him who's paying for dinner.  Son responds with something jokingly as well inferring that we will be paying for our own, but suggests he wants us there at 5 for "a drink" (one might assume he'll pay for that?) because he notes that happy hour ends at 6!?  He and the birthday girl are to show up at 5:30.   

I am not pleased given his attitude that we are all being asked to take time off of work to show up early while he blatantly navigates this so he is doesn't cost him anything.  I'm not looking for a free drink or a discounted one at that.  But he refuses to move the time to accommodate the majority of people he invited. 

I will bite my tongue for the sake of my bf and the young lady who's bday it is.  At the same time I haven't committed to take the time off and may just say I'll meet them later.  I only work Th and Fri and already committed to leave early today to babysit my granddaughter.

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