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reinventmyself

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The perfect storm of events is happening.  S's father who has dementia broke his hip and in the last week had a total hip replacement.  Problem with that is the anesthesia and stress has taken a toll on his dementia.  He is combative, restrained and doesn't recognize his wife or son.  

He's 90 and mom is 84.  They both live in another state 5 hours away.  Luckily S has figured out how to score round trip plane tickets for as low at 35 and up to 79.  The 35 amount was mostly during covid.  His truck gets about 18 mpg so flying has become pretty routine.

Seeing Dad is totally noncompliant and could barely walk to begin with, it's safe to say he will likely not rehabilitate.  He's a large man and his tiny (but mean) wife is in a walker.

What to do with them?   It's long bothered me these seniors have no plans and no funds.  It was only last year, after I was in S's ear relentlessly about getting a POA and a medical directive that they did it.  I am a generation younger than these people and I have plan.  You can't tell me they haven't thought about it.  It just seems pretty selfish to burden S with all of this.   The passing of both of my parents and their needs was overwhelming, but they at least had a plan in place.  

I can't lie.  I often believe the lack of planning or even any communication is by design.  S's mom is very narcissistic, manipulative and requires a lot of attention.  I believe it's been her wish all along to live with her son. 

The way this will likely play out is Dad will go to rehab, I am guessing Monday. And from there to a memory care facility.  Mom can't be alone so S either stays with her in another state or brings her home to his house.  Some how they will need to pull the trigger and decide what state to place Dad.

S came home for 48 hrs to celebrate his son's birthday and flies back out tomorrow.   I don't know when he'll be back.  I feel so bad for him.  I've managed both my parents care, but not at the same time.  

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They have a modest income.  But it annoys me to no end that they bought a very expensive car they don't need  . . that has an $850 monthly payment!  Not to mention insurance, tags, gas, etc. 

They live lean, renting a condo that their grandson bought.  It also affords them to go out to breakfast in the morning only to turn around and go out to dinner in the eve's.  She mentioned over the holidays they spend over 1k monthly on eating out.

I wouldn't deny anyone the privilege to enjoy their life the way they see fit.   But seeing that they spend every nickel they have coming in, how on earth do they not worry who's going to take care of them and who's fitting the bill? 

I guess that's why no one's allowed to talk about it.

 

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S's Dad is now in rehab.  Things don't look good.  It's one thing after another and 2 1/2 weeks post surgery he's not walked and still doesn't recognize his family.

S has been gone for about 10 days and returns tomorrow.  He's thinking he can stay here for 6 days, but I am skeptical. Something happens daily. He'll return to his parents for 10 days come home for 2 and then go out of town with his son for a planned birthday gift trip.  Just to return to his parents.

Ugh. . it's sooo not about me, but this is a snapshot of what our future looks like.  I barely speak to him because he's so spent.  The other night he called for a moment only to say he had to go because his mother needed him the other room.  He couldn't have said 'give me 5 minutes?'  I feel selfish even writing these words.  His mom is so demanding this gives me a clue of what it would be like with his father gone.   I knew this time was coming. . but . . this could go on indefinitely.

Still no plan.  He suspects his mother is thinking she's going to take her husband home and take care of him.  That is not going to happen.  I feel so bad for all of them.

I've been keeping busy. . or at least trying to.  

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I'm sorry. What a difficult situation.

My mother moved in with my husband and I for reasons I won't detail here. She was chronically ill and clinically depressed. She was exceptionally demanding. She wanted all of my time. My husband was a saint about it for about a year and a half. Then she started behaviors that were completely disruptive to our household, and she did them deliberately. Her goal was to separate my husband and I so I would focus solely on her. She even expected me to prioritize her over my newborn baby. We finally had to find her an apartment. She didn't do well. I did see her pretty much every day but that wasn't enough for her. She continued to be manipulative, giving me guilt trips. Unfortunately, she passed away less than a year after we moved her out. I believe her depression killed her, not her illness. I feel sad she was so unhappy at the end of her life and that I wasn't able to change that. 

I feel for your partner. And for you as well. It's rough for everyone involved. 

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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I'm sorry. What a difficult situation.

My mother moved in with my husband and I for reasons I won't detail here. She was chronically ill and clinically depressed. She was exceptionally demanding. She wanted all of my time. My husband was a saint about it for about a year and a half. Then she started behaviors that were completely disruptive to our household, and she did them deliberately. Her goal was to separate my husband and I so I would focus solely on her. She even expected me to prioritize her over my newborn baby. We finally had to find her an apartment. She didn't do well. I did see her pretty much every day but that wasn't enough for her. She continued to be manipulative, giving me guilt trips. Unfortunately, she passed away less than a year after we moved her out. I believe her depression killed her, not her illness. I feel sad she was so unhappy at the end of her life and that I wasn't able to change that. 

I feel for your partner. And for you as well. It's rough for everyone involved. 

I second these sentiments. Reinvent.  You are such a good and well meaning and genuine person.  He is so fortunate to have you with him.  And I am sorry you have to be in this situation.  I also hate that feeling of ugh everything I do is wrong and questioning a need -for you -to have his attention too.  Which you deserve!

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