Second Half

[reinventmyself]

I still struggle with finding a balance, post retirement.  Looking back, I realize that my life for a couple decades was on fast track and it's a fast track that took its toll and a ride I wanted off of.  Now with a lot of time on my hands, I am a text book case of someone who isn't adjusting well into retirement.  But I work at it, and I will get it right.  It also won't happen overnight.

My previous life had constant, nonstop stimulation.  So much so it wasn't healthy.  A rare moment to myself was a treat.  Now it's flipped and all the time to myself makes me restless and at times unhappy.  I struggle readjusting my way of looking at it.  If I am not doing something it feels wrong.  

Covid and time has shifted my friendships.   My best friend moving away and the loss of my mother leaves me without 'my person'   That confidant you talk too and trust with your thoughts and feelings.  I have my bf but it's often different with women.  We often need that person we can go to.  I do not have that.

S is spending more and more time each month with his parents.  As much as I am independent like my time to myself, I do have my limits.  Last month he was gone for just short of two weeks.  I kept myself busy as much as I could.  I got together with a friend one day and golfed another with another friend. I saw my son and his family.  But in between were days on end rambling around alone.  My two afternoon a week job leaves me pretty isolated alone in a trailer doing paper work or playing with my phone.  I appreciate that outlet but it's just not a good fit.  It's something I need to change.  My volunteer gig at the animal rescue proves to be a little isolating as well.  One person to a room while you socialize the cats and kittens.  It's nice, but . . .

It's fine.  I've been here before and I'll figure it out.  But this particular 2 week stint took its toll.  I teetered into anxiety and feeling a little down.  The remedy for this is to keep busy.  I get dressed for the day and run random errands.  I treat myself to dinner and I try to stay away from the house the entire day.  I have an Ebike and S's and on Saturday when most have plans with family and others, I get on my bike and ride for hours along the beach strand.

And then . . .I decide to adopt a 6 month old kitten I've become attached to at the rescue center.  Each time it appeared he'd be adopted I would get upset.  I figured my reaction was disproportionate, knowing I was still grieving the recent loss of my 17 year old kitty.  But I took the leap and brought him home.  I immediately panicked.  I naively thought it would be a cake walk, seeing I've had cats for a couple decades.  But the thing is I haven't had a kitten in over 17 years.  Turns out he requires a lot of attention, and I couldn't leave him alone for periods of time.  At least not initially while he was adjusting.  I even cried a couple times.   I felt ridiculous.  I viewed this precious little creature alone and isolated if I left.  Seeing that was what was most sensitive to me at the time, it was either him or me.  I stay home feeling lonely, which isn't good for my mental health or I leave him alone and isolated and feel guilty and responsible for this kitty's discomfort.  

I had such buyers remorse.  Add in I didn't sleep with the combination of the anxiety and a kitten who didn't sleep at night.  I closed the door of my bedroom at night just to sleep a couple hours and I laid awake feeling guilty for having taken him away from a fun room full of his kitten buddies, to leave him alone in a dark hallway.   I felt overwhelmed realizing I could easily be responsible for this little boy until I am 80 years old!  I was a mess.  And I was really hard on myself feeling the way I did.  I really haven't told many people that I even had him as I lay awake in the middle of the night imagining surrendering him and shame that comes with that.

I worried about how it would affect my relationship. I can't leave him alone and for the past five years, I've stayed at S's 3 to 4 nights a week.  We travel often and now the kitty's care comes first.  I had him for 10 days before I had to board him because we had purchased plane tickets for 5 day get away months prior.

Anyway. . .It's a month tomorrow and it's all working out.  I've never boarded a cat but found a cat only facility a little ways away that was affordable and had great reviews.  He was very spoiled and when I picked him up the staff jokingly asked if they could keep him.  They quickly recognized why I chose him to begin with because of his loving, trusting temperament.  It doesn't hurt that he's a really good looking boy either.  He came home from boarding as if nothing happened and settled back into a very new routine.

I take him to S's when I stay there.   It's still a little much and as much as S loves animals I stressed over the imposition and hassle of running a pet back and forth between two houses.  As it turns out when I am at work S asks if he can come get the cat.  He loves the cat and loves having him around.

It's still a little much.  It's like having a toddler under my feet all the time.  But being mental over the whole thing is thankfully passing.  As much as I am bonding with this darling little boy, Yogi, I clearly underestimated the commitment, and I wouldn't have gotten him to begin with if I could do it over.   But he's here to stay.

It's not him, it's me. . the timing and not being in a really good place in my life at the moment.  It's all about timing I suppose.  But even having said all this, he's absolutely perfect.  I do love this little boy.  He's super loving and cuddly and I honored to have him.  I recognize I really need to make some adjustments in other areas of my life.  This whole experience just shines a glaring light on it.

 

[reinventmyself]

I notified the animal rescue that I would be stepping away for a few weeks, maybe indefinitely.  As much as I enjoyed it in the beginning it somewhat lost it's sparkle.   I enjoy the kitties, but now having a new one underfoot it's just too much all the time.  Yogi requires a lot of attention at this point and it's much like watching my granddaughter and when I have a free moment volunteering at a day care to watch other peoples children.  It's all cats all the time at the moment and I just need a break.  I feel like I am growing whiskers!

One of the many reasons I wanted to volunteer is to not only help with the animals and having an outlet, but it was to meet people as well.  As it turns out its one person to room at a time so the opportunity to chat with the other volunteers isn't really there. That and between working two afternoons and having a bf it leaves me 1 to 2 afternoons to do anything else.   It ties up my time and there are things that might otherwise bring me some joy that I have to say no to.

I can always go back but in the meantime I need this time to sort things out. 

[reinventmyself]

The new man in my life.  He's such a love bug and the sweetest thing ever. 

Yogi

 

[reinventmyself]

It's been 15 months since I left my job.

On my way out I spoke up about a lot of things I had been holding back on.   Somethings weren't even worth addressing.  I just wanted my boss and my bosses boss know just enough to drive home the message that I was leaving due the conduct and character of a few of my coworkers.   And the lack of leadership and consequences for otherwise fireable offenses that were going on.

I spent the good part of a year and a half working from home witnessing things.  I carefully weighed my options.  As a supervisor were there ramifications for not coming forward with what I knew?  But I didn't trust my boss or the other supervisor to act on it.  Ultimately, I tested it slowly during my last year, only speaking up or adding my experience to things when my boss brought it up or incident would surface.  I didn't just volunteer things.  I wasn't going to put myself out on a limb if no one had my back. 

Previous history taught me I never knew what to expect and there was a better than good chance that it would ultimately backfire on me.  As time went on and things came to light on their own and I reinforced it by speaking up about what I knew, but I also knew I had to be ready to leave if I ended up appearing to be the department whistleblower.  The rest is history.

On my way out I threw a couple people under the bus.  Namely the supervisor of the other team and his young nephew.  The two of them accomplices to unethical things. 

Oddly, supervisor George texts me about a month ago, venting about the work conditions since my departure.  Which just goes to show that he must have thought I was his friend to reach out to for support and it suggests that nothing I said got back to him and nothing had changed.  Because afterall, I am not his friend.

Fast fwd to last week.  George calls me repeatedly one day.  I was busy and didn't answer.  He texts me pleading for me to call him.  I end up calling to hear that he, my boss and my bosses were all fired and escorted out by security that day!!! 

Turns out Georges young nephew, who I witnessed being a sneaky, unethical little worm had embezzled over $100,000 from the company.  The little worm was trusted to order office supplies and during the better part of a year and he managed to purchase over 100k of Ipads and various other electronics for his own resale and then recode it as paper, toner and pencils.  One week after his termination and further investigation they fired anyone associated with him, top down.

The main four reasons I resigned from my job of almost 2 decades are no longer employed.  I feel so vindicated it makes me giddy.  George devastated and acting surprised just goes to show his sense of entitlement and inability to view his part in cultivating this little thief.  Years of looking the other way and the department director being so ineffective and spineless, the two of them operated on the knowledge that there were never any consequences for anything they did.  

At first, I didn't know the amount of monies embezzled.  But 100 to now 150k?  They all deserved to be fired!

My boss and his boss (SP VP of Operations & Sr VP of HR) both have over 30 years invested.  George a good 25 and two kids in school.  

Over the other weekend the now terminated nephew helped himself into the offices on a Sunday night to steal gift cards for the pricey raffle items typically handed out at the company holiday party.  That floors me knowing that one of my chief complaints was that the nephew was collecting access cards from resigned or retired employees during covid.  When I was notified by HR of a staff's departure, I instructed staff to leave their keys and access cards in their desk and about every ten days I would go into the office to collect them. I discovered that the nephew was collecting them and using them, as in his own words to me. . 'so he couldn't be tracked'. 

Now after the fact, having fired 4 key people in the department out of the 6 left that were left, those left behind don't know how to access the software (among a list of other things they have no clue how to operate)  And because of this a 24 year old fired felon still has access to offices!   But my boss dismissed me at a time when I brought this potential security risk, as well as grounds for termination to his attention.

The security guards at the company holiday party venue were given photos of all four for safety reasons.

Kharma is freakin' incredible!

I had to google it to be certain. 100k embezzlement is a federal offense investigated by the FBI.  The kid is about 24.

 

 

 

 

[boltnrun]

I know someone who started a new job in an office and two weeks after being hired she was arrested (and fired) for stealing $50k from the business. In two weeks! I don't know how she could have thought they wouldn't notice that much money was missing. She ended up serving only 6 months in prison since it was her first arrest.  Another instance, my boss at a former workplace always wore jeans even though we had a dress code that mandated corporate wear. Turns out she was hiding the ankle monitor she had to wear as a condition of being allowed out on bail while awaiting trial on grand theft charges from her previous job. And my friend's wife was allowed to quit rather than face charges because she was using company checks to pay their personal utility bills. Another former worker fled the state rather than face being arrested for stealing thousands of dollars worth of merchandise when she used the company credit card for personal shopping. 

I could go on. It's unbelievable how these people think it's OK to steal! That's now how I was raised.

I'm glad you were vindicated. They should have listened to you.

[reinventmyself]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I know someone who started a new job in an office and two weeks after being hired she was arrested (and fired) for stealing $50k from the business. In two weeks! I don't know how she could have thought they wouldn't notice that much money was missing. She ended up serving only 6 months in prison since it was her first arrest.  Another instance, my boss at a former workplace always wore jeans even though we had a dress code that mandated corporate wear. Turns out she was hiding the ankle monitor she had to wear as a condition of being allowed out on bail while awaiting trial on grand theft charges from her previous job. And my friend's wife was allowed to quit rather than face charges because she was using company checks to pay their personal utility bills. Another former worker fled the state rather than face being arrested for stealing thousands of dollars worth of merchandise when she used the company credit card for personal shopping. 

I could go on. It's unbelievable how these people think it's OK to steal! That's now how I was raised.

I'm glad you were vindicated. They should have listened to you.

wow. . just wow

[mylolita]

Must feel great to know you were right all along reinvent! Now that’s office gossip huh!

 

Money coming in and out fast in large companies can be surprisingly lax. I used to work for an American law firm actually, it was the 8th largest in the world in the field they operated in. Anyway, I remember my boss and also, the general attitude of the whole place was “just stick it on expenses”. They put anything through and hardly ever checked. They would have me travel first class rail ticket with breakfast included to Edinburgh from England to work at their Scottish office three days a week, pay for taxis to take me even the 10 minute walk from the station to their office, and they paid for me to have extravagant lunches at restaurants like The Witchery in Edinburgh which was not too far from their office. They put me up in a 5 star hotel for the 3 nights, all dinner and wine and breakfasts and room service included the whole of my stay. This went on for about 8 months. I was 24. The attitude was, if I had wanted to order steak and champagne every night no one would blink an eye. My female boss just approved the expenses and off I went. My petrol was even paid for for me going in my car to get to the English train.

 

I remember at the time - all this for basically administrative and relations staff?! I was there to “fluff cushions”, Y’know what I mean?! They had big Italian clients in that office and needed someone to dote on them while they negotiated and also someone to help out the manager there with her administrative tasks, answer the phone, be front of house etc. It was beyond excessive for lil’ ol’ me - but my thoughts were, this billion dollar company throws money around everywhere and it is so big, something like 50K just wouldn’t be noticed, and not for along time, I suspect.

 

I can see how it happens, I really can.

 

You did well to stand up to them and also to leave.

 

x

[Jibralta]

11 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

When I was notified by HR of a staff's departure, I instructed staff to leave their keys and access cards in their desk and about every ten days I would go into the office to collect them. I discovered that the nephew was collecting them and using them, as in his own words to me. . 'so he couldn't be tracked'.

Wow! I can't believe your HR department had to be given instructions on how to process an employee departure. Even I know that you simply deactivate the access cards upon terminating the employee!! The company sounds unbelieveably backwards. Perhaps this is on purpose--perhaps even the officers are robbing the place blind!

[reinventmyself]

8 hours ago, mylolita said:

Must feel great to know you were right all along reinvent! Now that’s office gossip huh!

 

Money coming in and out fast in large companies can be surprisingly lax

Just the opposite for this company.  It's a member owned coop, medical liability.  The membership is 12000 physicians strong.  Having had to do annual budgets for my department, every penny was accounted for.  If I added an anticipated 10% cost increase, I had to have a written explanation.  Same applied to any decrease.  

No doubt this played out during budget time.  There is no way to hide 100K.  Especially during the hard shift to the staff working from home the majority of the time.  Operation costs decreased close to half of what they were without the staff in the offices.  

I am guessing thats why there was a dramatic exit of the upper management around him.  They would have had to disclose this to board of directors.  The timing make sense.  Budgets due in October.  The board meets within weeks of that and the kid was suspended due to investigation in November.  This is the physician's money and they do not mess around.  I am pretty certain it was a `off with their heads' moment.

Further validates the dilemma I was in.  There were time I wasn't speaking up about what I knew because I knew nothing good would come of it.  Can't help but wonder if I would have been swept up with those just terminated, merely by association.

[boltnrun]

Yeah, companies (at least in the US) have to disclose their financials if they are publicly traded. Also at tax time. Every place I worked with the exception of very small businesses had budgets and finance departments that scrutinized everything. 

One company I worked for (a very large online retailer) gave us per diem and we could submit expenses but while the amounts were generous it wasn't outlandish. I remember being sent out of state to help launch a new location and I had so much per diem left over I took my son and his spouse out to a $225 dinner and still had extra $ to buy myself some household items (we weren't required to give unused per diem back). But again, I'm talking hundreds rather than thousands. 

I wonder if that man and his son will be prosecuted and spend any time in prison. It'll be interesting!

[reinventmyself]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

 

I wonder if that man and his son will be prosecuted and spend any time in prison. It'll be interesting!

I am certain they will.  The company dealt in medical liability and has their own in house law firm.  They dealt in the business of being sued.  It's all about the fight.

There is no way they will merely write off 100 to 150k of the physician's money and let it go.  They have the membership at large to answer to.

[reinventmyself]

6 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Wow! I can't believe your HR department had to be given instructions on how to process an employee departure. Even I know that you simply deactivate the access cards upon terminating the employee!! The company sounds unbelieveably backwards. Perhaps this is on purpose--perhaps even the officers are robbing the place blind!

I was primarily responsible for the issuance and deactivation of all access cards.  The majority of my time there I was the only one with the password to the software.  Upon my departure I had to set up my boss as the administrator.  

I admit during covid I wasn't on top of every deactivation that I could do remotely. There was such a flux of departures at one time and HR didn't always communicate it to me in a timely matter. Or at all!

I set aside time to go into the corporate office every ten days and during that time I collected cards and deactivated the ones I hadn't remotely.  It's an excuse but during that time my boss was out on medical leave I was slammed with so much responsibility I could barely catch my breath.  I certainly never imagined that one of my own staff members would take them before I got there.  And it's the cards activity on the software I noticed that was unusual.  If that staff member resigned the week prior, why was the card still walking around?  I also had 4 loaner cards locked at the reception desk that he happened to have to key to.

As well as a reception desk at an entirely different location.  He took the two loaner cards from there as well.  The moment I realized what was going on I audited every card in the data base.  But I doubt anyone stayed on top of this in my absence.

If I am not mistaken, this access card responsibility was given to George and his nephew.

[reinventmyself]

and with that, my ex toxic boss text me yesterday.

"not sure if this is still your number, but here's my new number.  I am no long working at ****.   Merry Christmas'

The moment feels similar to having a past stalker boyfriend reaching out to you.

I am not responding. . .ever.  Super perplexing why these two characters thought to reach out to me.

It's not like he felt inclined to wish me Merry Christmas last year and he has to know that his news of termination is something I am already well aware of  . . blech.

[boltnrun]

26 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

and with that, my ex toxic boss text me yesterday.

"not sure if this is still your number, but here's my new number.  I am no long working at ****.   Merry Christmas'

The moment feels similar to having a past stalker boyfriend reaching out to you.

I am not responding. . .ever.  Super perplexing why these two characters thought to reach out to me.

It's not like he felt inclined to wish me Merry Christmas last year and he has to know that his news of termination is something I am already well aware of  . . blech.

Maybe he's reaching out to see if you're willing to be a witness in his defense.

[reinventmyself]

I am still at the equestrian center.  The young woman's job who I was hired to take over is finally moving on to the other project  . . . one year later.

I was initially enthusiastic with the plan to take over all four afternoons.  But now a year later I will not.  Still employed to work my two afternoons is more than enough.  The condition of my employment before I took to offer was to keep me busy, never ever happened.  Some days there is close to nothing to do. I can't imagine giving up any more of my life to often sit and do nothing.  At this point, two afternoons is plenty and even with that I do (somewhat) look forward to going in. 

The good news is that I am actually doing the work, when there is some.  Rather than sitting and watching the young woman, R do it for the past year.  Endless months of R and the director, S sitting and commiserating about the inside details of the business, leaving me to stare at the computer screen rereading old emails just to appear to be busy.

R barely trained me, briefly glossing over things just to continue doing the work herself.  I told her more than once that I don't learn by watching her, I learn by actually doing it.  Countless times asking about a process and what drove her to make the decision she did, I get a glossed over explanation or a 'don't worry about it'

R had been working a couple days a week when I am not there at some point, due to finding other employment on her off days.  By the first of the year, she'll be gone altogether.  But at least I have been working independently and it's much more tolerable.

There were a couple times in the earlier days I offered to resign, and they could ask me back when I was really needed. S didn't take me up on it and promised to keep me busy.  I wasn't kept busy and left to sit there for a few more months, hiding how I really felt and keeping up an upbeat attitude with a smile on my face.

Why didn't I walk away?  It's not much money, but it is money I do count on and is factored into my budget.  I also liked the distraction even if it was often frustrating and I would likely have to find something else to replace the small income and the outlet it provided.

Everything comes full circle 3 weeks ago and S calls me to tell me R is moving on.  It's been long established that I am no longer interested in working the 4 days.  S tells me, "I would understand if you are sick of the job and wanted to know you wanted to quit"   (sigh)  Aside of being unprofessional and inappropriate, I laughed, reminding her that I am retired and I don't do things I am "sick of', but I would totally understand if she needed to let me go to hire someone to work full time.   

I also know that laying someone off is not in her best interest, but when I consider that I was hired a year ago to take over 4 days, that almost never even happened.  I was trained by a very young woman who didn't want to give up her job and basically didn't really train me.  I offered to step aside when it made the most sense and was made certain promises in order keep me. That didn't happen.  I wasn't included as a team member and sat pretty much isolated with nothing to do.  No, S will have to do the mature thing as my boss and lay me off if that's what she needs to do.

With that S states she will attempt to do R's work on the 2 to 3 days she typically came in. I will continue to work my two afternoons.  For now, she will not hire anyone.  Yet she wants me more "involved" in the business planning aspects.  Uhhhm, no.  I am just being difficult at this point and told her I had no interest in being involved to that degree.  I just wanted to continue to do my daily job, which is basically bookkeeping and answering the phone and not the rest.  The 'rest' are things I might take home and worry about.  I figured I sat here for almost an entire year while the two of them talked shop as if I wasn't in the room sitting within 5 feet of them.  That would have been the time to invest some time into me and bring me in so I could be *more involved the rest*  

This is my retired brain reasoning. I don't do what I don't want to do.  It kind of makes me laugh.  But at this point in my life, I figure I earned the right to feel this way.  I could take it or leave it, so if she does let me go, it's all good either way.  I just wish she would do it by the end of the year.  My unemployment would be based on 2021 year's salary 🙂

Aside from all of the this, the culture there has become very negative, and a majority of the boarders are hostile.  Raising costs have crippled some horse owners, forcing them to move and even sell their horses!  Money matters bring out the absolute worst in people and it only takes one or two people to say the office is mismanaging the barn and gouging people and it becomes a mob mentality.  They file complaints, call the city manager to complain and demand the barn to disclose financials.  I do feel sorry very for S.  She is getting beat up at every turn.  While all along the barn barely breaks even and she really does give all her heart into wanting to do what's best for the barn.   Hence her decision to not hire anyone at this point.

Time to get moving!  I get to go to work today . . lol                                                                                      Tax time the beginning of the new year I will meet with my advisor.  Once I figure out what 2023 looks like, as well as my end of my Cobra insurance and acquiring new, I will decide what to do with this job.  Is it really worth it in the long run?

[Jibralta]

16 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

No, S will have to do the mature thing as my boss and lay me off if that's what she needs to do.

I definitely get the sentiment. BUT.....

16 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

I just wish she would do it by the end of the year.  My unemployment would be based on 2021 year's salary 🙂

Maybe it's worth coming to an agreement!

[Jibralta]

16 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

While all along the barn barely breaks even and she really does give all her heart into wanting to do what's best for the barn.   Hence her decision to not hire anyone at this point.

Heartbreaking. My stable closed a couple years ago. They had to find homes for all of the school horses, which is sometimes impossible. I hate thinking about it.

[reinventmyself]

7 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Heartbreaking. My stable closed a couple years ago. They had to find homes for all of the school horses, which is sometimes impossible. I hate thinking about it.

Aside from managing the barn S is a dressage trainer and the majority of her clients are boarders.  With all the politics and negativity she's lost most of her clientele.  It's her first love and now she's left to just manage the barn.   It all feels so punishing and unfair considering all the hard work she's done to bring up the barn.

I wouldn't be surprised if she stepped down from Barn manager.

[reinventmyself]

I am struggling a little bit with a dynamic between the BF and I. 

When I used to work having down time was a privilege I rarely had.  I looked forward to quiet weekends at my bf's house, cooking, watching movies, sleeping in.  Tables have turned and I have too much down time.  It causes me to feel restless and unsettled.  I am much better one year later but I will always be that nervous energy person.  Like a little kid, only after you've worn me out, I can sit still for a couple hours of tv in the evenings, but that's it.  I do not like the tv on in the middle of the day.  

My bf is way more relaxed than I am.  He's easily content not doing much and can watch tv all day.  Not that he's doesn't have interests and hobbies.  He's just way more easy going than I am.

A typical day alone in my own home, I can't tell you what I've done but from the time I eat breakfast until it's dinner time I haven't sat down.  I am futzing around, pulling weeds, cleaning my sock drawer, running errands, washing my car.

I typically go to S's house on Friday and go home on Sundays, after dinner.  We see each other one night mid week.  He will always remark when I am leaving that there is nothing waiting for me at home and tries to get me to stay.   The majority of my time spent at his house is spent in a chair staring at my phone.  He loves sports and can watch it for endless hours.  I try to be accommodating but at some point, hours later I ask him if we can watch something together.  Uhg. 

My thoughts are, if we aren't interacting or just existing in the same room for the sake of being together staring at our phones, I'd don't see the point and I'd rather be home.  At the same I totally understand that every moment isn't about entertaining me.  There isn't always something to do and most things to do cost money.  I can tell he feels pressured to entertain me and asks for a solution.  I tell him I don't say anything because there isn't always a solution.

I suppose if we lived together this wouldn't be happening.  We wouldn't be shadowing each others every move for days.  We'd be doing separate things within the same home and come together at the end of the day.  That coupled with me not being in my own home.  I am always a guest in someone else's home. And It's not as if I can rearrange his sock drawer.  I do try to cook a lot and I was a baking jag for a while.  

Yesterday after breakfast I am getting dressed and S is sitting there in his pj's pointing out there is Twighlight Zone all day marathon.  I wanted to run from the house screaming.  It had rained all day Saturday, so we had no choice but to stay in.  We watched tv for about 6 hours before bed and 2 hours of morning news at this point.  That and I already anticipated an afternoon of football.  He's getting better at recording them and watching them after I am gone.  I do like sports, but I have my limit.

I do want to be with him and in his company.  But I find myself resistant to go his home more than I have to.  It's really not good for my mental health to just sit there.  Sunday nights, I can't get home fast enough.  Last week I had been there every night since Thursday.  He had a friend coming over yesterday and I was excusing myself so two of them could catch up. So as to not look like I was leaving because of the friend arriving, I stayed a little longer with the two them to visit.  But when football came on at 5, it was my queue to head home.  He was insisting I stay another night like he does every time.  It ended up the friend stayed and watched football until after 9pm.  S would have been perfectly thrilled if I sat there quietly with the two of them.

We do have nice social life, we go for walks and do things together.  But it's not realistic to be doing something all the time.  When I had just retired, he would ask me to come over in the middle of the day.   I put a hard stop on that, when I arrived a couple of times and sat across from him while he stared at his Ipad and I stared at the top of his head on a beautiful sunny day.

I just don't have an answer.   We've slowly gotten away from staying at my home.  His is more comfortable for the two of us and in the central vicinity of our social and active life.. . when we do do things.  But staying at my home, the roles are reversed.  He's left to sit and stare at his phone.  

Moving in together is not an option at this time . . .   So, I try to wear myself out on my own time so I can try to sit idle on weekends.  

[reinventmyself]

It was so text book.   A friend of mine, rusty at dating and having little to no experience OLD calls me.  She agreed to meet a man for the first time.  He insisted on dinner.  She said she protested slightly but agreed.  He walked her to her car and kissed her.  I asked if it was a peck or a full on kiss.  He went for it and she obliged.

To each their own, but if you're asking me for advice, I would neither agree to dinner and I certainly wouldn't let him kiss me.

From that moment on he's texting her good morning and other things throughout the day.  Within a couple days she woken with greetings such as 'Hey BabyCakes'  'Good morning Sweet Lips' and 'What did you dream off last night?'

She calls asking is this is ok.  Well, hell no.  But my friend is notorious for finding something wrong  in everything, so I do confirm her suspicion that he's a little thirsty and it's inappropriate to be so familiar with someone he doesn't even know.  Having said that I encouraged her to keep her date with him at the end of the week.  She will know one way or another if he's not for her.  Maybe he's equally rusty and not being very smart about all of this.  ( I am being overly generous at this point, knowing I would have cut him off already)  But seeing she's super rusty, it would be good practice in learning to be open minded and put herself out there.

She calls me midweek, insisting she's going to tell him to stop using all these terms of endearment.  I caution her not to.  This is a small window of opportunity to pay attention to who he is.  He can very well hide it per her request, but if it's in his character to come on so strong to strangers in such a cringy way this is a really important piece of information to pay attention to.  She can't resist one day and curtly tells him to stop through a text.  Her choice of words are scolding.   Silence.  I ask her if she's done or intends on keeping her date.  oh, she still plans on seeing him!?

Come the day of the date, she hasn't heard from him in two days.  She calls me and asks what to do.  I told her if he hasn't reached out by noon to call him.  She calls him, she texts him and he never, ever responded.

[reinventmyself]

I took a bit of break from here for a few reasons.  I was struggling a little and not in a great place mentally.

During my annual physical in July ,I even asked for an antidepressant.  I was leaving on a trip in couple days so figured I'd wait until I got back to start it.  I recalled when I took it before it made me quite nauseous in the first days.  From the time I got back from my trip I found myself super busy and the reason I wanted them to begin with seemed to be passing.

Early retirement wasn't suiting me well and even having a part time job wasn't helping.  I knew it was time to step away from here when I found myself arguing with someone who's views were differing from mine.  A good debate is one thing but because I wasn't in a good place personally, I let this person get under my skin in a bad way.

Fast fwd, I no longer work part time at the equestrian center, and I find myself actually able to keep myself busy and content.   I see my friends a couple times a week, my bf another 3 . . throw in my family members, hobbies and home projects, traveling and I am in much better place.  The equestrian center turned into a really negative environment.  I caught myself bouncing from one bad fit to another.   Kinda like bad boyfriends!?  I began putting into practice avoiding or side stepping anything negative.  For that matter I really haven't watched to news for months.   

I still logged on and would read a thread or two.  I would feel this negativity come over me and knew I wasn't quite ready to return.  That and my one year old cat pesters the heck out me when I am on my computer and typing from my phone isn't worth the trouble.  I cannot phantom what I would do if I was still working from home with a 15lb cat having a tantrum when I am not paying attention to him.

I have a lot to be grateful for.  I am reminded daily.

 

[boltnrun]

Nice to see you back.

It seemed to me the equestrian center wasn't being run well and was frustrating. Too bad, but on to better things, right?

What do you think of the weird weather? Why are we getting mid to high 70s in December? It's crazy. 

[Seraphim]

Nice to see you ! I am glad you are doing better . 

[Batya33]

Lovely to see you back and I too am sorry about the equestrian center.  I understand why you stepped away but you were missed!!  I love your cat description -one or two of my coworkers have that "situation" and I love seeing it on our zoom staff meetings lol.  I love cats for that reason!  I hope you continue to feel ok and I'm glad you're still with your partner.

[Jibralta]

On 12/14/2023 at 8:26 PM, reinventmyself said:

For that matter I really haven't watched to news for months.   

Lovely. I never watch that crap. News travels fast whether or not I keep pace with the broadcast (TV or otherwise). Best that it be filtered through others before it reaches me. That gets rid of a lot of the slag.

On 12/14/2023 at 8:26 PM, reinventmyself said:

I no longer work part time at the equestrian center, and I find myself actually able to keep myself busy and content.   I see my friends a couple times a week, my bf another 3 . . throw in my family members, hobbies and home projects, traveling and I am in much better place.

Awesome 🙂🙂🙂