Feeling Sorry for my Mom

[Tony_Soprano]

I’ve got myself a lengthy to-do list for this week, starting tomorrow with calls to her two healthcare providers I’m aware of. I also have a private option I’d like to explore, but that’s a last resort. My main thing is hearing from a medical professional myself and not this broken telephone, drivel my mom spews “yeah, like I had a mini stroke he thinks maybe because, I don’t know, I have stress from my sister being sick and you had a baby prematurely and…” 🙄
 

Ideally I/we get medical diagnoses with treatment then a care plan can be made from there. Once diagnoses/plan is known, my family can then get in on plan and maybe (just maybe!) turn a corner on their verbal abuse towards her. 

[Seraphim]

2 minutes ago, Tony_Soprano said:

I’ve got myself a lengthy to-do list for this week, starting tomorrow with calls to her two healthcare providers I’m aware of. I also have a private option I’d like to explore, but that’s a last resort. My main thing is hearing from a medical professional myself and not this broken telephone, drivel my mom spews “yeah, like I had a mini stroke he thinks maybe because, I don’t know, I have stress from my sister being sick and you had a baby prematurely and…” 🙄
 

Ideally I/we get medical diagnoses with treatment then a care plan can be made from there. Once diagnoses/plan is known, my family can then get in on plan and maybe (just maybe!) turn a corner on their verbal abuse towards her. 

Please tell them they are committing abuse . 

[Tony_Soprano]

1 minute ago, Seraphim said:

Please tell them they are committing abuse . 

Yea, of course, one could argue two types of abuse—verbal and elder.

[Seraphim]

3 minutes ago, Tony_Soprano said:

Yea, of course, one could argue two types of abuse—verbal and elder.

It is both. 

[Seraphim]

Thank you for caring so much for your mother. 

[Tony_Soprano]

4 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Thank you for caring so much for your mother. 

Thanks for being just the second person to say that (first being my mother)!

[catfeeder]

50 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Thank you for caring so much for your mother. 

 

45 minutes ago, Tony_Soprano said:

Thanks for being just the second person to say that (first being my mother)!

Hah, I understand the feeling. I didn't thank you, but I did praise you, and you deserve to be praised and thanked.

You may need to have your Mom's providers contact her first to give her consent before they can discuss her care with you--so make room in your schedule for that.

Head high, and yes, thank you for looking out for your Mom.

[Tony_Soprano]

Yes, that’s a battle of getting my mom to agree to it because she doesn’t want me to worry. If I sit in on her appointments/listen in on calls I may get too worried about her and not focus on my newborn or job. This is how she thinks but I’ll just have to convince her I’m on her side here. 
 

The “sandwich generation” can be tough, eh? Taking care of elderly parents and your own young family. 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Tony_Soprano said:

Yes, that’s a battle of getting my mom to agree to it because she doesn’t want me to worry. If I sit in on her appointments/listen in on calls I may get too worried about her and not focus on my newborn or job. This is how she thinks but I’ll just have to convince her I’m on her side here. 
 

The “sandwich generation” can be tough, eh? Taking care of elderly parents and your own young family. 

Yep, it's a toughie. You may want to tell her that you'll only worry more without hearing directly from her doctors, and that's why you're asking. If she'll let you do that, you can stop worrying, and you'll feel more capable with your own family.

I have elderly parents, and they're always more cooperative when I frame everything as doing me a favor rather than pushing for compliance for THEIR own good. 

[Tony_Soprano]

20 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I have elderly parents, and they're always more cooperative when I frame everything as doing me a favor rather than pushing for compliance for THEIR own good. 

That is GENIUS! I'll definitely pitch it as "help me help you" and that she's doing me a favour. Grazie!

[Batya33]

Also do you know any of her neighbors that you can contact who can sort of keep an eye on her and let you know what's going on -without teling her?

[Tony_Soprano]

43 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Also do you know any of her neighbors that you can contact who can sort of keep an eye on her and let you know what's going on -without teling her?

That's a good idea. I know one neighbour is a revolving door of university students so they're not an option. I can ask one guy next door but would have to sneakily get his contact info without my parents' detection. Y'all are full of great ideas!

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, Tony_Soprano said:

That's a good idea. I know one neighbour is a revolving door of university students so they're not an option. I can ask one guy next door but would have to sneakily get his contact info without my parents' detection. Y'all are full of great ideas!

I did that with my mother's neighbor when she was being stubborn about having her cell phone on/using life alert.  The neighbor totally understood.  If I ever called her maybe it was once over the years.

I respond to a lot of posts on Facebook and elsewhere on this sort of situation -am part of an FB group that relates to this and I want you to know, you are not alone and also that your responses are so appreciative and thoughtful.  Thank you for that.  (Maybe there is an FB group local to where your parents are where people share ideas on caring for elderly relatives/family members?)

[Wiseman2]

On 11/7/2021 at 12:57 PM, Tony_Soprano said:

 Taking care of elderly parents and your own young family. 

You need to focus on your  GF and newborn much more. It's great that you are concerned about your mother but you're really not doing much.

Your GF needs help with a newborn and is understandably upset that you're spending all your free time on this. How often do you help her with the baby? 

As far as your mother, you don't have power of attorney nor does she even want you micromanaging her life.

She told you she had a stroke and it's clear that she needs more hands on in person help like a social worker and home health attendant.

Research her area for government and faith based and hospital affiliated senior help. If you think there's elder abuse the first step is documentation.

But instead of insisting you sit in on her doctor calls, get all the appropriate and affordable ancillary help going to the house.

What isn't a physical therapy and occupational therapist and social worker and home health aide visiting regularly?

It's odd with a newborn and an understandably upset GF that your spending all this time spinning your wheels and not helping with your primary responsibility of father and partner and also not being much practical help getting your mother the homecare she needs.

Your mother has had declining health and medical problems for a while, but now that you have a newborn and frazzled GF, suddenly you're using all your time to attend to it?

 

 

[Tony_Soprano]

Batya33 — It's great to know I'm not the only one in this predicament. I spoke with my middle brother yesterday who said his wife is ignoring our mom until she gets a proper apology for the Smartie incident. Apparently my mother just deflected and never quite took ownership of her actions so that added to the frustration. Do I intervene or let the adults sort it out? I'll choose to stay out of this one.

Wiseman2 — I wake up in the wee hours of the night and head home on lunch to help my fiancée with our newborn. My partner is appreciative of my support while I work full-time. This crusade I'm on with my mom is a 'side hustle' so-to-speak that I do with minimal involvement of my fiancée. Her main gripe with my mother is she's sympathy-seeking and not trying to help herself. Mine is that no one is on her side hence why she's falling deeper and deeper into a depressive state. I only see my mom once/year (we live 4,000km away) so this isn't as time-consuming as your reply suggests. 

[Debsterism]

Reach out to Adult Protective Services in your parent's area and file a case of Elder Financial Abuse on your brother. Checking bank records it will be easy to see that the money went to him. Your parents are elderly and vulnerable, and your brother is a tool who needs to be charged and arrested and made to return that money. The fact that they are showing cognitive decline will work in your favor to have them conserved for their own safety before your brother bankrupts them. Please act TODAY. 

[Tony_Soprano]

19 minutes ago, Debsterism said:

Reach out to Adult Protective Services in your parent's area and file a case of Elder Financial Abuse on your brother. Checking bank records it will be easy to see that the money went to him. Your parents are elderly and vulnerable, and your brother is a tool who needs to be charged and arrested and made to return that money. The fact that they are showing cognitive decline will work in your favor to have them conserved for their own safety before your brother bankrupts them. Please act TODAY. 

I appreciate the concern but not sure I want to add a lawsuit into the family mix right now. My parents were "happy to help a son in need" but my other brother and I feel it was elder abuse. They gave my brother a sweetheart deal of $300/month to repay it, which they have made every payment, but my parents will be long gone before the $40,000 is repaid.