Feeling Sorry for my Mom

[Tony_Soprano]

Hello all,

My mother has always put others first/herself last and now it's starting to take its toll. She's in her mid-60s, her health is declining and years of being passive have led to people treating her poorly. To summarize my family:

• My father loves her, but is often condescending and yells at her
• My oldest brother recently forced her and my dad to take a second mortgage to loan them $40,000+ causing financial stress
• My middle brother and his wife are terse with her and often raise their voice/roll their eyes at her
• My fiancée feels she makes up illnesses to get sympathy/attention
• I feel bad for her.

She has shown signs of declining cognition (e.g. struggling to form sentences, needs to be told multiple times not to do something [yet still does], mixes up words and pays bills twice, etc.) and just accepts her fate. I'm frustrated because she doesn't seem to want to better herself and it's causing strain with my fiancée and I because I'm coming off as a "momma's boy" who "texts his mommy too much" but I'm just trying to keep a connection with her that isn't condescending, terse or emotionally abusive. No one is on her side and I feel like the only one in her corner telling others to "give her a chance" or "try to see it from her perspective" but it's becoming exhausting. Even I can't defend some of her recent behaviour.

What's worse is I live 3,000km away so I can't attend medical appointments or keep tabs on her health. I asked to be part of her medical calls and she does them without me then tells me "my physician said I had a stroke" or "my doctor took me off this pill and put me on this one" but I have little faith in the accuracy of what she says as she often sugarcoats things so I don't worry about her (which I am!).

I'm not sure what I'm seeking from eNA, to be honest, I guess I just wanted to vent to non family members without fear of judgement. Does anyone have similar experiences with defending the low-hanging fruit of the family? Dealing with fiancée strain? Getting someone with low thrive to better themselves?

Thanks in advance,

Tony

[Batya33]

What does your father say about her medical conditions and care? I am in my mid 50s, my sister is 60 -I really don't think this is about declining health due to age at all -perhaps she had a stroke (I did in my early 40s but fully recovered) or perhaps it's early onset alzheimers heaven forbid.  Ask her if you can participate in her medical appointments via telehealth/over the internet. I'm sorry she is going through this. Simply tell your fiancee this is your mother, you love her and she is having medical challenges and you want to be there for her.  The end.

[DancingFool]

Your mother is who she is and you can't change that. Asking someone to better themselves, aka change themselves, is a losing game. You've got to accept your mother for who she is - flaws and all.

That said, it sounds like she is having serious health issues, possibly beginnings of dementia or alzheimer's or some such. This is not something she can help and yes, she wants to do things and believe that she still can even though her brain is no longer working at full capacity. She may be aware of that or not. Bottom line is like it or not, her health is deteriorating and will continue to do so with age and it's good of you to keep an eye on her and care the way that you do.

Going back to you wanting your mother to better herself because it's causing issues between you and your fiance..... Has it occurred to you that your mother isn't the issue here,  but rather why are you tolerating your fiance being rude to you about your mother? I think it's interesting that while you are very sympathetic and upset about the way your mother is being treated, you seem to be a bit blind to how you are being treated in your own relationship.

If a guy I'm with decided to be rude to my parents or rude to me about my relationship with my parents, he'd be out the door so fast he wouldn't know what hit him. Food for thought OP. It seems to me like your family's toxic dynamics might have rubbed off on you in a way where you have normalized bad behavior and are being too tolerant of that....much like your mom is.

[Seraphim]

I would tearing a strip off my brothers and families and father for treating her with horrible disrespect. They feel because your father does it they are entitled to as well. No one is entitled to treat people like crap. 

[Cherylyn]

Would it be possible to arrange some type of in home care?   Will her medical insurance accommodate it?  Have you researched her medical insurance benefits?  Some policies provide special care. 

I'm sorry about your mom's declining cognition.  It is heartbreaking and a helpless feeling since you live 3,000 miles away from her.

[Tony_Soprano]

Batya33 — My father is old school European and just doesn't "get it." He thinks it's funny when she puts the TV remote on the phone charger or calls the refrigerator an oven. I told him he needs to take a more active role in her health but he hasn't. He's older but much more active and healthier than my mom. I agree and know it's the beginning of dementia as her father had it, too. Thank you for your kind words.

DancingFool — To be clear, my fiancée and I have had no issues until recently and are in a loving, supportive relationship. She is a Nurse Practitioner and has offered her medical help for years to my mother. But recently my partner just got fed up with her vague symptoms and never trying to better herself or follow her advice. She reminds her of 'classic patients who seek sympathy' and I can't disagree.

Seraphim — 100% agree, but then I come off as the "momma's boy" defending a woman who simply does not listen to their wishes. Also, I'll get the "she's allowed people to walk all over her for years" spiel because she doesn't have a spine. It's heartbreaking—I hate picturing her getting belittled at family gatherings.

Cherylyn — Last December she went into the hospital with vague abdominal pain...and stayed two weeks. The nurses told me they didn't feel she'd be able to take care of herself upon discharge. For about a month after that she had homecare nurses bathe and do physio work for her (we live in Canada so this is all covered). Come to think of it, it was around this time I noticed a turn in my fiancée's views towards my mom. She hated hearing the nurse say my mom "rings the bell for everything—even to turn on the TV." 

[Seraphim]

Well, I hate to break it to them but she doesn’t “ have to comply” with THEIR wishes. I would defend my mom at a family function if she was treated that way. 

[Tony_Soprano]

2 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Well, I hate to break it to them but she doesn’t “ have to comply” with THEIR wishes. I would defend my mom at a family function if she was treated that way. 

Last weekend she gave my 14-month-old niece a Smartie (small, chokeable, chocolate, etc.) after being repeatedly told by my brother and sister-in-law not to feed their kids or dogs. My niece didn't choke but instead of apologizing she kept saying "well, you feed them x food" or "she was pointing at the candy" which infuriated them more. I wasn't there (see: 3,000km away comment) but was told it was tense and ugly.

This is what I mean it's getting harder to defend her actions. I told them "she's not of sound mind/not herself" and "she had three kids herself, she knows better than to feed them choking hazards" but they were too upset to be receptive. 

[Batya33]

Can you get a social worker or someone similar to go to the home? Your father can be as stubborn as he wishes and he cannot neglect her or put her in danger which he will be if he doesn't get her the care she needs.  Soon she'll be putting the oven on in the middle of the night because she assumed it was a light switch.

At this point she should not be around young children on her own or unsupervised.  I'm sorry.

[Tony_Soprano]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Can you get a social worker or someone similar to go to the home? Your father can be as stubborn as he wishes and he cannot neglect her or put her in danger which he will be if he doesn't get her the care she needs.  Soon she'll be putting the oven on in the middle of the night because she assumed it was a light switch.

At this point she should not be around young children on her own or unsupervised.  I'm sorry.

This is my project for next week to get her some in-home care. Your scenario is scary and it's definitely crossed my mind so no need to apologize.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Tony_Soprano said:

This is my project for next week to get her some in-home care. Your scenario is scary and it's definitely crossed my mind so no need to apologize.

When my dad had severe alzheimers -seemed like a sudden onset but honestly we think his mental health issues had been masking those earlier  symptoms - in hindsight -my mom knew she had to put him in a nursing home when he started wandering around at night and playing around with the oven.  She simply couldn't do it on her own and couldn't afford 24/7 care in the home.  I too lived far away but my mother was an amazing caregiver -even if she couldn't physically do it on her own she took him to doctors, called doctors, told us what was going on, etc.  

All the best to you.

[Tony_Soprano]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

When my dad had severe alzheimers -seemed like a sudden onset but honestly we think his mental health issues had been masking those earlier  symptoms - in hindsight -my mom knew she had to put him in a nursing home when he started wandering around at night and playing around with the oven.  She simply couldn't do it on her own and couldn't afford 24/7 care in the home.  I too lived far away but my mother was an amazing caregiver -even if she couldn't physically do it on her own she took him to doctors, called doctors, told us what was going on, etc.  

All the best to you.

Your mother is a saint, I wish I could say the same for my dad haha. Thanks for your kind words, Batya. 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Tony_Soprano said:

Your mother is a saint, I wish I could say the same for my dad haha. Thanks for your kind words, Batya. 

She truly is.  But she had experience as caregiver for many decades given his mental illness so that helped some. I think there's a point where it has to be safety over European traditions.  

[Tony_Soprano]

How do I show my family that this isn’t really my mother? That she’s literally losing her mind to a disease?

[Seraphim]

6 hours ago, Tony_Soprano said:

Last weekend she gave my 14-month-old niece a Smartie (small, chokeable, chocolate, etc.) after being repeatedly told by my brother and sister-in-law not to feed their kids or dogs. My niece didn't choke but instead of apologizing she kept saying "well, you feed them x food" or "she was pointing at the candy" which infuriated them more. I wasn't there (see: 3,000km away comment) but was told it was tense and ugly.

This is what I mean it's getting harder to defend her actions. I told them "she's not of sound mind/not herself" and "she had three kids herself, she knows better than to feed them choking hazards" but they were too upset to be receptive. 

Hahaha I know what a Smartie is I am a Cannuk. However, I am not sure treating your mom like crap is the answer. 
It sounds like a many decades of treating her like crap and that is just now what all the in-laws do too. 
 

You know my father-in-law just passed of Parkinson’s and dementia a few months ago we NEVER NEVER treated him like that and he was swearing at people and throwing things at people and kicking . Never once was he treated like crap . Maybe they will miss your mom when she is gone and realize how horrible they are being when they have no one to pick on. 

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, Tony_Soprano said:

How do I show my family that this isn’t really my mother? That she’s literally losing her mind to a disease?

You don't.  Not your job.  Your job is on a practical level -to prioritize her safety by getting her the care she needs and if possible having her health care providers instruct those who are around her what is safe and what isn't such as "don't leave her alone with a young child" or "don't leave her alone for more than [specific amount of time]"  

[Tony_Soprano]

Seraphim — Why hello there, fellow Canuck! Sorry to hear about your father-in-law. The aggression you described sounds a lot like my grandfather’s (my mother’s father) last days. He was a gentle soul until deletion took over and he became a thief in the nursing home then would lash out when called out. I fear my mother is trending in the same direction as her father. My mother has allowed people to walk all over her (see $40,000 loan as a recent example) so this is the result, unfortunately. 
 

Batya33 — I just want what’s best for her and I believe this is the way to go. Having care workers with a plan (and who don’t berate her) is a good place to start. Still feel I need a FaceTime with my brothers and sisters-in-law to let them know you need to monitor mom the way you monitored your young kids. I think shutting her out and not inviting her for thanksgiving and Christmas would isolate her and make matters worse. She may be deteriorating mentally but she still has the wherewithal to know she’s being ostracized. 

[Seraphim]

9 minutes ago, Tony_Soprano said:

Seraphim — Why hello there, fellow Canuck! Sorry to hear about your father-in-law. The aggression you described sounds a lot like my grandfather’s (my mother’s father) last days. He was a gentle soul until deletion took over and he became a thief in the nursing home then would lash out when called out. I fear my mother is trending in the same direction as her father. My mother has allowed people to walk all over her (see $40,000 loan as a recent example) so this is the result, unfortunately. 
 

Batya33 — I just want what’s best for her and I believe this is the way to go. Having care workers with a plan (and who don’t berate her) is a good place to start. Still feel I need a FaceTime with my brothers and sisters-in-law to let them know you need to monitor mom the way you monitored your young kids. I think shutting her out and not inviting her for thanksgiving and Christmas would isolate her and make matters worse. She may be deteriorating mentally but she still has the wherewithal to know she’s being ostracized. 

Well you know it’s horrible that they plan to isolate her even if someone has dementia they are still in there and know they are being treated like crap. That’s a horrible way to treat older people. And their children are watching this and maybe they will get the same treatment when it’s their time. 

[Tony_Soprano]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

Well you know it’s horrible that they plan to isolate her even if someone has dementia they are still in there and know they are being treated like crap. That’s a horrible way to treat older people. And their children are watching this and maybe they will get the same treatment when it’s their time. 

Agreed and it’s breaking my heart. It’s akin to elder abuse. You’re not too far off either as I’ve noticed my 5 year-old nephew already being terse with his grandma. Why not? He sees his parents doing it regularly!

[Seraphim]

3 minutes ago, Tony_Soprano said:

Agreed and it’s breaking my heart. It’s akin to elder abuse. You’re not too far off either as I’ve noticed my 5 year-old nephew already being terse with his grandma. Why not? He sees his parents doing it regularly!

And he should be immediately corrected . But hey I guess take solace in the fact your sibling and his lovely spouse will be treated the same way. 
 

Ugh I know I sound jaded and angry but my elder generation is now passing away. I lost my dad last year and my FIL a few months ago and my step father is seriously ill and my mom is crippled. It is just god awful to see how people treat the elderly and especially what was exposed in our long term homes by Covid. I AM angry. The elderly are sometimes just as defenceless as the young and deserve kindness as well. 

[Seraphim]

Maybe tell them you will be calling a social worker to check up on her welfare as the verbal and emotional abuse is getting to you and you won’t stand for it. 

[catfeeder]

12 hours ago, Tony_Soprano said:

How do I show my family that this isn’t really my mother? That she’s literally losing her mind to a disease?

Get her diagnosed. If that means arranging an appt with a specialist and making the trip to get her there, then isn't it worth the investment? I'd also seek the services of a case worker in Mom's area to ensure that her care is organized and she's receiving any and all services to which she's entitled.

Also, I'd quit catering to mama's-boy implications. Wherever you heard that, it was being used to manipulate you, and you're taking the bait. I'd leave family alone until I have gathered the right sources and info to report, and I'd thank fiancé for her patience, even while I remind her that geriatrics is not her field, you have every right to be invested in your mother's care--and you'd say the same for her and anyone in her family who she loves.

I'd make sure that the very voices of criticism that I abhor directed to my Mom are not ones that I permit to drive my own behavior. That means stepping up to advocate for Mom with professionals, not engaging a power struggle with a bunch of ignorants who aren't interested in learning facts about Mom's needs.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[Tony_Soprano]

Seraphim — Thank you for sharing and I’m sorry to hear about your recent losses. COVID has isolated my parents enough and to throw this at them now is heartbreaking. She is so helpless and every time she gets yelled at it just chips away at what little confidence she has.

 

catfeeder — A medical diagnosis is key. My mother sugarcoats things and speaks vaguely about her symptoms but also doesn’t want us to worry. She tends to self-diagnose based on her dad’s health before her and what she Googles. Once I get that I can then make a definitive plan to help her. Also, I like your sign-off because writing to eNA has helped. Thank you!

 

[Seraphim]

Well, it is sad, your mom is only 10 years older than me so she is not elderly by a long shot. So this would be pretty early dementia. If it is that. My FIL was 89, that is elderly. Really, elderly is not really until later 70’s now. 
 

The fact that your family yells at your mom is abuse and they need to be told this . 

[catfeeder]

13 hours ago, Tony_Soprano said:

A medical diagnosis is key. My mother sugarcoats things and speaks vaguely about her symptoms but also doesn’t want us to worry. She tends to self-diagnose based on her dad’s health before her and what she Googles. Once I get that I can then make a definitive plan to help her. Also, I like your sign-off because writing to eNA has helped. Thank you!

Yes, a trip to get her properly diagnosed IS key, and you don't need to defend your actions to anyone--including your fiancé. But in addition to this, I'd contact her local hospital ahead of time for a referral to a case worker with whom you can meet and discuss the family abuse, your lack of trust in Mom's ability to medicate properly, and a request for a review of all potential services and a plan of coordination to ensure continuity of Mom's care.

It's one thing to diagnose and leave it up to Mom and family to carry out her treatment, it's another to ensure that social services are in place to counter abuse and neglect. Mom might also be eligible for rides to appointments, therapies, group or private counseling, and social meetings with others to form a community of support. I'd check into ALL of it.

Friendships outside of the family bubble may do wonders for Mom, because she may need social connections that keep her oriented, validated and fulfilled.

Write more if it helps, and keep your head high for being a loving and caring son.