Telling a partner they're very special to them. Is that another way of expressing love?

[Anonymous]

My ex and I were together for just under a year. A lot of deep care for each other. While we never said the 'I love you' and I think when I asked if he loved me when we broke up, I think he said he didn't think so but I could be wrong. He has never loved anyone before, I think as a result of his dysfunctional upbringing. However, he often has said since the break-up that I'm very special to him. Is that basically a derivative of love?

[SherrySher]

You already asked him though, and he said no, right?

Love can come in many forms, you can love your Mum, your sister, your friend, your dog, etc.

You can also love someone, but not necessarily be in love with them. Those are two separate things.

But I think the one you're thinking of, is a romantic type of love. Does he feel a romantic type of love for you? Does he miss you and feel lost without you, or that he made a mistake? 

From everything you described, I would say no.

He cares about you, he cares if you're okay or not, and I am sure he wishes you well. 

But as for feeling a romantic type of love, or being in love with you, it sounds as though it never happened for him when it came to your relationship.

It doesn't mean anything is wrong with you, or him....it just means you weren't compatible and sparks didn't fly in that sense.

Love isn't something you'd have to wonder about. When you're in love, or when he's in love, it won't be a question, or not being sure, you will just 100% know.

I am sorry it didn't happen for you two. I hope you're doing okay.

[Anonymous]

20 minutes ago, Guest Anonymous said:

 when I asked if he loved me  he said he didn't think so 

Sorry this is happening. Don't chase uninterested men or make excuses such as "bad childhood", "confused", "stressed", "busy", "damaged from past hurt", etc.

Unfortunately you are trying to read between the lines but he's been crystal clear that he's not there for you.

Invest your time in people who love and care about you. Don't throw your heart away on damaged goods or anyone who's this icy and flaky.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

That way you can move forward in peace. You can't squeeze blood out of a stone.

[Anonymous]

7 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

You already asked him though, and he said no, right?

Love can come in many forms, you can love your Mum, your sister, your friend, your dog, etc.

You can also love someone, but not necessarily be in love with them. Those are two separate things.

But I think the one you're thinking of, is a romantic type of love. Does he feel a romantic type of love for you? Does he miss you and feel lost without you, or that he made a mistake? 

From everything you described, I would say no.

He cares about you, he cares if you're okay or not, and I am sure he wishes you well. 

But as for feeling a romantic type of love, or being in love with you, it sounds as though it never happened for him when it came to your relationship.

It doesn't mean anything is wrong with you, or him....it just means you weren't compatible and sparks didn't fly in that sense.

Love isn't something you'd have to wonder about. When you're in love, or when he's in love, it won't be a question, or not being sure, you will just 100% know.

I am sorry it didn't happen for you two. I hope you're doing okay.

It is hard to say, I think you describe it in a very black or white manner (as a psychologist - not always the case as we learn). Some people (men in particular) have a very poor way of expressing things and they may not even be aware that they love someone. 

When I would leave him (when we were together), he would often say he missed me immediately. We used to send each other love hearts too. He has said since the break up too that he misses me all the time; and has said that our break up has been very difficult for him. He has apologised numerous times for his mistakes too, and has suggested he's made the wrong decision (about breaking up). 

But I appreciate your response and thank you so much. It is has been very on me. 

It would be great if anyone can chime in regarding this sort of 'phenomenon'. Obviously cognisant of the fact he didn't love me as well. But I just wonder if this was a case of immaturity and not knowing his feelings. 

[Anonymous]

Very hard on me *

[SherrySher]

5 minutes ago, Guest Anonymous said:

It is hard to say, I think you describe it in a very black or white manner (as a psychologist - not always the case as we learn). Some people (men in particular) have a very poor way of expressing things and they may not even be aware that they love someone. 

When I would leave him (when we were together), he would often say he missed me immediately. We used to send each other love hearts too. He has said since the break up too that he misses me all the time; and has said that our break up has been very difficult for him. He has apologised numerous times for his mistakes too, and has suggested he's made the wrong decision (about breaking up). 

But I appreciate your response and thank you so much. It is has been very on me. 

It would be great if anyone can chime in regarding this sort of 'phenomenon'. Obviously cognisant of the fact he didn't love me as well. But I just wonder if this was a case of immaturity and not knowing his feelings. 

Yes, it is quite possible that he does love you and hasn't realized it yet, especially if he is not in touch with his feelings due to past trauma.

You know this man a lot better than any of us on here, so you would know more on how he is, and what you think he may, or may not be feeling.

What caused you two to break up though?

[Anonymous]

4 minutes ago, Guest Anonymous said:

as a psychologist - Some people (men in particular) have a very poor way of expressing things and they may not even be aware that they love someone. 

 

It's a year and of course you are disappointed and breakups hurt.

Make sure when you date, you're not trying to fix or change men or infantalizing them with these rationalizations.

You're trying to think and feel for both of you and assigning things to him (damaged childhood) for your own coping. But "I don't love you" is a crystal clear expression of his feelings.

[Jibralta]

29 minutes ago, Guest Anonymous said:

But I just wonder if this was a case of immaturity and not knowing his feelings. 

I think that's wishful thinking on your part. But it doesn't really serve you to put another person down (calling them immature and unaware) in order to make yourself feel better. 

[Kwothe28]

29 minutes ago, Guest Anonymous said:

He has said since the break up too that he misses me all the time; and has said that our break up has been very difficult for him. He has apologised numerous times for his mistakes too, and has suggested he's made the wrong decision (about breaking up). 

Doesnt mean a thing. He might as well be missing the idea of two of you in the relationship, not you in particular. To clarify that doesnt mean there is something wrong with you or that he didnt had some nice times with you so he reminescence it with fond memories. Just that, he doesnt love you. He said that as much during break up so believe his words.

You are seeking an excuse for him. How its maybe due to his "difficult upbringing", how maybe he doesnt know what love is, how he regreted it. But ultimately that is all there is, just you excusing his behavior to fit you narrative. At the end he did leave you and said that he doesnt love you. If he doesnt actively seeking to get back together and showing you that he loves you, doesnt mean a thing. "Its been hard and I miss you" is normal feeling after a relationship, doesnt mean they want to get back together or that anything is changed in meantime.

[Rose Mosse]

4 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

My ex and I were together for just under a year. A lot of deep care for each other. While we never said the 'I love you' and I think when I asked if he loved me when we broke up, I think he said he didn't think so but I could be wrong. He has never loved anyone before, I think as a result of his dysfunctional upbringing. However, he often has said since the break-up that I'm very special to him. Is that basically a derivative of love?

It's common to be questioning and be filled with doubt after a break up. Let the dust settle and try to avoid getting your mind overworked. Switch to different tasks, stay busy with other things going on in your life. Do you work or go to school? Focus on your work or classes and be productive. 

It's also unlikely someone is going to tell you they love you when they're breaking up with you. That's not how it goes even if it's the case. The truth is none of us know whether he did love you. We don't even know you. Be comfortable with the fact that you may never know or be certain. If it wasn't clear to you then, it's unlikely to be clear to you any later no matter now much digging and ruminating you do. I'd put this aside for now, look to staying productive and on track in other areas and let this issue go.

[reinventmyself]

I have a lot of people in my life that are very special to me.  Not to be confused with being in love with them.

[SooSad33]

You were together less than a year.

You are no longer together.

He never did admit 'love' to you.

So, IMO, yeah, he fancied you for a while, but ended things because he didn't 'feel it', sorry.

I doubt there's much a reason to look too hard into this. You two are no longer involved.  So, work on accepting, healing & moving on now.

 

[Sonneblom]

I think you broke up because you realized that something was missing from the relationship. He probably regrets breaking up with you now but he doesn't love you, he said it himself. Don't allow yourself to be pulled in by sweet nothings, and don't make excuses for him either. It's not your responsibility to accommodate such shortcomings.

 

[catfeeder]

For my own head and healing, I wouldn't try to build something out of breadcrumbs. If someone is my 'ex,' he's part of my history, not my present.

Some people are best loved from far away.