Why doesn't my ex know what he wants and is there anything I can do about it?

[windmill900]

My (24f) boyfriend (23m) broke up with me almost a week ago after a random couple days of being off with me. We have had our share of issues and arguments and I have been making efforts to amend my part in our issues. He originally told me out of the blue that he needed space and time to think about what he wanted so I said I understood but told him that I wanted to work on things. He then was cancelling plans we had made for that week so that he felt like he had longer to think without any pressure or deadline. That night he texted me saying that he just doesn't think it's going to work, that he deserves better and so do I. I was really hurt at the way he handled everything after 2 years together and told him that. A couple days later we met up to exchange belongings and he was very upset crying most of the time, apologising for the way he handled things, and basically said that he loves me so much he just doesn't feel like himself and thinks he needs to be alone and focus on himself. 

Last night I saw that he was 2 minutes away from my house on snapchat so I messaged him asking if he was alright. He told me he's having a really hard time dealing with the situation, that he keeps thinking what has he done and asking himself whether we should have given it longer, then wondering if it was the right decision. He said he's really struggling to work out what is right or not. He said that he just ultimately doesn't know what he wants. I basically told him that although I'm not sure if it was the right decision, that I think that what's meant to be will be in the end, that he did what he felt was best at the time and that if he needs space and time to himself then it's ok to do that. I said that we both have things to think about and work on and see how we feel about everything when our minds are clearer. 

I'm just struggling with the fact that he doesn't know what he wants and the mixed messages. I know that I want to be with him and work on things but I know that that would need effort from us both. I also can't really believe he left tbh, despite our issues we love each other to bits and have had so many good times together. I don't know his every reason for leaving I just know that he said he's felt a background feeling of unhappiness the last couple of months, and has been feeling bored and not like himself. At the same time he said that he still loves spending time with me and is always excited to see me. I think that we have gotten into a bit of a rut because we have been pretty much living together for the majority of our relationship since the start of covid and we see each other every day. I think a lot of the fun has gone recently and I have been pretty bored too but to me that's something that we could change by getting out of our usual routine, planning dates etc. 

I just want to know if anyone has any of their own ideas on what is going on with him and if there's anything I can do other than giving him time and space that will encourage him to make up his mind about what he wants. I think he's made a mistake because we were so close and got along so well but I also want him to 100% want to be with me, not just cause I want him to be. 

[Wiseman2]

44 minutes ago, windmill900 said:

if there's anything I can do other than giving him time and space . I also want him to 100% want to be with me, not just cause I want him to be. 

Sorry this is going on. You're doing the right thing giving him space and you have the right mindset that he has to want it to be that way, not just out of duty or routine.

Are you both living with parents/roommates?  Are you both working or going to school? 

While tedium can get unnerving, yes something else is going on. Is there someone else or does he seem restless like he wants to sow some wild oats?

Is there a difference in goals/timelines and future plans?

[windmill900]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is going on. You're doing the right thing giving him space and you have the right mindset that he has to want it to be that way, not just out of duty or routine.

Are you both living with parents/roommates?  Are you both working or going to school? 

While tedium can get unnerving, yes something else is going on. Is there someone else or does he seem restless like he wants to sow some wild oats?

Is there a difference in goals/timelines and future plans?

Thank you for your response.

We both live with parents at the moment but spend most of our time at my parents. He is working full time and I am studying full time but mostly at home. 

I really don't believe there is anyone else and he doesn't seem that way, he's told me without me asking that he's not interested in anyone else at all at the moment but that he just feels like he needs time alone to feel like himself again. He was only just out of a 3 year relationship when we got together so I mean I would understand if it was a case of never having been single really and wanting to experience being on his own, I just wish he would be clearer if that's the case.

We both planned to move in together at the start of next year so as far as I was aware our future plans aligned. 

[Cherylyn]

He's confused and doesn't know what he wants.  Give him permanent time and space.  He sounds very unstable which will make you insecure and not enjoy a relationship with him.  Enforce healthy boundaries with him.  Your time and patience or lack thereof will determine whether or not you want to continue a relationship with him. 

[Batya33]

I wouldn't try to guess.  I would give him twice the space he seems to need and let him sort out his internal doubts and confusion on his own.  Tell him to contact you only if he is 100% sure he wants to get back together and if you are still interested and available you'll consider it . He doesn't need to be interested in anyone else -as Meg Ryan says in You've Got Mail as she and her boyfriend break up "it's the dream of someone else".  He's not being clear because he doesn't know.  Take his I Don't Know to mean "I don't want to be with you."  Otherwise you take on the role of therapist or buddy or sounding board and that's "helpful" but a real turn off overall because you'd be settling for scraps.  Let him miss you, experience life without you and you live your life.

I'm sorry this is so upsetting!

[Rose Mosse]

13 hours ago, windmill900 said:

We have had our share of issues and arguments and I have been making efforts to amend my part in our issues. 

Out of curiosity, what were these issues and arguments prior about?

Also as an aside, limit the time you're on the Snapchat app or don't open it to keep checking his whereabouts. Take the time to process the break up. 

[DancingFool]

Ever heard of buyer's remorse? Wanted to buy that house but once bought, some people can suddenly become overwhelmed with all kinds of doubts if it was the right decision....and then they get over it. Sometimes dumpers can experience the same thing - it's not that he doesn't know what he wants, it's now that he's done what he wants, he has some doubts. 

Thing is that the worst thing you can possibly do to yourself is get caught up in being his emotional tampon and crutch about that. It won't make him miss you, respect you, or want you back. He will appreciate you helping him get over you though. Put it in perspective - he didn't reach out to you. He only vomited his doubts all over you after you contacted him. Stop it and don't ever do that again.

As others said, make it clear to him that he can contact you only if he is 100% certain he wants the relationship with you back and then you will consider if you still do too or not. Anything less and you both need to be no contact and healing.

[windmill900]

9 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Out of curiosity, what were these issues and arguments prior about?

Also as an aside, limit the time you're on the Snapchat app or don't open it to keep checking his whereabouts. Take the time to process the break up. 

One of the main things has been that I struggle with anxiety and needing reassurance. At times it has been far too often that I have done that and quite a few times it has caused him to get annoyed and has started an argument. I can understand the frustration he has felt being on the other end. I have been going to therapy for this and know there has been a big improvement which he has told me he's noticed too but he also said that it has not stopped fully.

At the same time, he doesn't like to communicate about anything and will completely hide his feelings about anything bothering him and bottle them up until we are discussing something else and he explodes with all these things I didn't know about. We also argue differently, I can be reactive and want to talk it out, he on the other hand shuts me out and I have to sit around for hours or days waiting on him to want to talk. So basically any argument we've had has started from a minor thing and turned way worse than it needed to be because I guess we don't communicate well and don't understand how each others' minds work

[Rose Mosse]

9 hours ago, windmill900 said:

One of the main things has been that I struggle with anxiety and needing reassurance. At times it has been far too often that I have done that and quite a few times it has caused him to get annoyed and has started an argument. I can understand the frustration he has felt being on the other end. I have been going to therapy for this and know there has been a big improvement which he has told me he's noticed too but he also said that it has not stopped fully.

At the same time, he doesn't like to communicate about anything and will completely hide his feelings about anything bothering him and bottle them up until we are discussing something else and he explodes with all these things I didn't know about. We also argue differently, I can be reactive and want to talk it out, he on the other hand shuts me out and I have to sit around for hours or days waiting on him to want to talk. So basically any argument we've had has started from a minor thing and turned way worse than it needed to be because I guess we don't communicate well and don't understand how each others' minds work

He works but you study ft which means you often have more time to think at home. It may not always be the case but you both appear at different stages in your lives. If you moved in together (I don't think this is a good idea) how do you plan to contribute to the bills or expenses? Are you graduating soon or would you be working by then? 

I've been in your shoes in the past and in retrospect that person was completely wrong for me - different mindset, different values, different goals. It made for shaky ground when it came to bigger decisions. Finish your studies and do well. Should this relationship's door close, other doors will open. 

[MissCanuck]

I think this has run its course for him. 

While it felt sudden to you, the history of arguing and problems suggests this wasn't as out-of-the-blue as it seems right now. It appears he has been unhappy and not enjoying the relationship for some time, and he's trying to be gentle about it because he knows you are hurt and he cares about you. I don't really see mixed messages here either, to be honest. He ended it, and you contacted him when you noticed he was nearby - not the other way around. He said the usual things dumpers say when they don't want to hurt their exes further, but his actions suggest he isn't re-thinking his decision. 

But if you peel back the layers, sometimes this much arguing or problems communicating point to deeper incompatibilities. It seems you are quite different people with very different needs and expectations and have a hard time finding resolution on the bigger issues. Perhaps, in time, you will see that it is best to close this door so you can both find better matches someday.