How do i finally let him go

[Shaz48]

I have messaged on here before about my ex and appreciate your comments and views on my situation.  My ex is part of a social group that we both belong to so it has been really hard for me to move on and heal as i have to see him.  I am an organizer in this group and i arrange social events to which he the books onto, which as part of the group he is allowed to do.  I have been trying very hard to accommodate this and be civil but he has been begging me for forgiveness and saying that he is sorry and can we try again.  I have thought hard about this but every time i trust him a little something will change and he reverts to type.  The last time he said he didn't like me stroking a dog. 

He is now saying that i act differently around certain people and that they "own me".  i am not even sure of what this even means.  he says it is what he observes as i am different towards him when they are around.  I have explained that i feel awkward when i see him as i still feel a lot of hurt as to what he has done but i am also trying to be civil for the sake of our mutual friends and the social group.  He said that i am manipulating people against him and one of these friends of mine is my secondary owner (whatever that means).  Every time we talk i end up crying and he sits there and says he has done nothing wrong.  When we are out he will make comments that only I know what they mean and i therefore stupidly react by making a comment or pulling a face, to which he is now saying i am causing an atmosphere and i have to stop this.  But i say no he is doing that on purpose to make me behave in such a way to then make me look the bad one and make him look like the innocent nice guy. 

The problem i have is i think i know what he is doing but i keep still falling for it when he says he is sorry and regrets what he has done and he loves me.  I have told him i do not trust him and it would never work but did want to try and be civil and we get so far and then bam another episode will arise where we end up arguing.  He also keeps accusing me of telling too many people what he has done to try and destroy him but i didn't i only told our friends the truth of what he did when they asked what had happened not thinking anything more of it.  In hindsight i probably shouldn't have told people too much but i was hurting.  I have now blocked him and told him that we are no longer going to be able to talk as he keeps hurting me and i know he is starting to make me look like i am the one causing trouble in our social group and i am starting very much to wonder if he is narcissistic.  People have told me that his behavior is very much narcissistic and controlling but i keep thinking no he cant be.  What i need help with is now i have blocked him and told him that we can no longer have any chats how do i make sure he doesn't worm his way back into my head when he starts turning up again at my social events. 

I need to stay strong as i am almost certain what he is doing to me but he keeps trying to make me think he doesn't mean it and he loves me.  Does what he has done and said give me any reason to think he is a narc or at least controlling?  He dumped me by text after 4 years, said i smell as i only showered once not twice a day and not for more than 15 mins each time, now he says he loves me and he has made a mistake.  He also cheated at the beginning of our relationship with 2 people but lied about it and never told me that he did that until after we broke up when i found out from someone else and now he says he is a changed man and he has sorted himself out but then he says things like i am owned by my new friends and that they are filling my head with stuff about him and that i am manipulating people against him......but he loves me????  What is this guy trying to do to me?

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Shaz48 said:

My ex is part of a social group that we both belong to so it has been really hard for me to move on and heal as i have to see him.  I am an organiser in this group and i arrange social events to which he the books onto, which as part of the group he is allowed to do.

Keep it business only. Stay away from him.

Is this the same man?:

 

[Shaz48]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Keep it business only. Stay away from him.

Is this the same man?:

 

Yes this is about the same man

 

[Kwothe28]

Quote

You know what will happen? He will tell you how he "loves you" and then few days later will tell you how you are smelly. Its a cycle of abuse where you will get nothing positive.

Damn, managed to be prophetic but missed what the argument will be about.

Again, you are letting him abuse you in that way. Stop talking to that guy. You do realize that he can come to your social events and that you dont have to talk to him? Especially you dont have to talk to him about heavy stuff. Just say "Hi" and dont engage into any conversations with him.

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, Shaz48 said:

he keeps trying to make me think he doesnt mean it and he loves me.  Does what he has done and said give me any reason to think he is a narc or at least controlling?  He dumped me by text after 4 years, said i smell as i only showered once not twice a day and not for more than 15 mins each time, now he says he loves me and he has made a mistake.  He also cheated at the beginning of our relationship with 2 people but lied about it and never told me that he did that until after we broke up when i found out from someone else and now he says he is a changed man and he has sorted himself out but then he says things like i am owned by my new friends and that they are filling my head with stuff about him and that i am manipulating people against him..

He has not changed, he is toxic.

They are nasty people.. you know, you've experienced it.

So, keep him on blocked now and stop giving in to such a loser!

Keep your distance and keep reminding yourself you have REAL friends out there and remain distant.

Be stronger than this and see how you need to be around kinder people & bf's.

 

[Cherylyn]

Instead of doing group activities with mutual friends, socialize with friends or a friend without your ex present. 

Or, if you prefer to continue socializing with your group, you'll have to become smarter.  Tell your ex that you will remain peaceful with him and his only contact will be when you organize events with the group otherwise he is not to contact you regarding anything personal.  Make this clear.  Forewarn him that if he doesn't honor your request,  he will be ghosted, blocked and deleted and he will need to be informed by other members of the group regarding schedules.  Enforce healthy boundaries. 

You can't change the past.  Tell your ex that from now on mum's the word.  You will remain silent regarding anything to do with your ex and your past with him.  Tell him that you will never talk about him to anyone, never text about him to anyone and you'll keep quiet.  Tell him that you will respect his privacy and you expect the same courtesy from him as well.

It will be uncomfortable and awkward to remain in your mutual social group with your ex.  Just act natural.  Don't ignore him.  Be respectful, polite, kind and well mannered while maintaining a safe, cool distance. 

There are some people within my social group including relatives and in-laws whom I do not respect nor admire due to negative history with them.  I can't avoid them because some of them reside locally and we socialize at family reunions several times a year. 

The goal is to keep the peace.  You don't have to be close to people whom you don't like or despise.  Behave properly, stay strong and you can do this.  There is a way to act in your favor for the best, most optimal outcome.  Hang tough.

[Lambert]

I didn't read your whole post. I can't follow one giant paragraph. But.... 

from what I did read this relationship is cyclical... making up and breaking up.  So you have to break that cycle.

Hang with non mutual friends and family for a while. Let someone  else coordinate events.

Saying "you have to be around him" because of this friend/social group is just an easy excuse to keep the cycle going. 

Until you decide and take steps to change, nothing will change. 

Let him say what he wants. It's all just manipulation after manipulation. Some he's doing and some you're enabling.  

You can control your own actions and get yourself out of this situation. 

[DancingFool]

What draws you to toxic people? You can't honestly believe that a cheater and a manipulative, abusive liar is some prize to be won. So what are you getting out of this drama you chose to engage in over and over again.

Please don't say social group because like attracts like. Meaning that if he is such a big part of the social group, he is not the only toxic person there and again, it all comes back to you - you are drawn to toxic like a moth to a flame. Figure it out because the only person you control is yourself.

 

[catfeeder]

Stop taking the bait, run your group and your social life as you see fit, and let him know that you're willing to be civil whenever your paths cross, but speaking privately is over.

The just pull back your own tentacles and quit his gig. Let him run his mouth to whomever he wishes--or whatever. Just disengage and stop allowing his problems to become your own.