Trust Issues

[Caerfilthy]

I’ve now been with my girlfriend for the last year and she’s always had underlying trust issues and insecurities, however recently I feel they have been getting worse. I’m not sure wether it is my tolerance being worn down or if in fact they are becoming bigger problems for her. In these last few months I have stopped regularly speaking to most of my female friends so that she doesn’t feel uncomfortable and stopped going out with my male friends entirely for the same reason. I have never been disloyal to her yet she believes that I have been or will be and it is draining. I feel like I have done everything shes asked of me when it comes to making her feel as tho I am trustworthy. I really don’t know what more I can do, I love this girl a great amount and I’m not one to give up easy. So if anyone has any ideas as to how I can improve my situation I would be greatly appreciative. 
 

context: we are both 19 and in university, we have talked about moving in to a flat next year together but I am not entirely sure about this idea due to the fact that we seem to argue daily because I am not trusted. 

[Rose Mosse]

Don't move in together. It will be harder to face facts once you start living together. 

What causes her to feel insecure about your friendships? Is it because she distrusts you as a person or is it because she's dealt with cheaters or untrustworthy people in the past? 

When you both met were either of you in relationships or fresh out of a relationship?

[DancingFool]

How do you improve your situation? STOP appeasing her insecurities and stop isolating yourself from friends and having a life. I know you love her, but this is a toxic relationship.

What you actually need to do is sit down with her and grow a spine and set out some boundaries. Meaning that yes you will go out with friends and she is welcome to join when appropriate. No, she may not make wild accusations of you being a cheater or otherwise acting inappropriately toward you. IF she continues to act like that and to punish and control you because of her issues, you will dump her. Yes, I don't care how much you think you love her, you will need to walk away if she is not willing to work on herself.

You see, you cannot fix her, appease her or ever prove to her that you are trustworthy. It is on her to get over her issues and seek therapy if she needs to in order to address her problems. There is literally nothing that you can do because she will always move the goal posts on you and the more you try to appease her, the more she will control you instead of addressing herself.

IF you don't have mutual trust and respect in the relationship, you don't have much of a relationship. Your partner forcing you to become socially isolated while accusing you of being a cheater and a liar is a form of psychological and emotional abuse.

Finally, please don't play house at such a young age. Do socialize, do focus on your education or career/job choice, do give yourselves time to grow up before you make any long term partner commitments. You'll look back in a couple of years and thank yourself for that.

[Wiseman2]

59 minutes ago, Caerfilthy said:

we are both 19 and in university, we have talked about moving in to a flat next year together but I am not entirely sure about this idea due to the fact that we seem to argue daily because I am not trusted. 

She's quite controlling. No one can give her security by jumping through absurd hoops.

She needs to feel secure in herself, not be hypervigilant about potential cheating.

Do not move in with her, it will be like a prison. 👮‍♂️

[smackie9]

 Make Your Girlfriend Less Insecure

Pay her a compliment. ...

Listen to her. ...

Reassure her of the depth of your feelings. ...

Communicate with her. ...

Do not initiate sex all the time. ...

Publicly show you love her. ...

Rely on your girlfriend and show her that she is needed. ...

Ask her what you can do to help.

Regular contact.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Caerfilthy said:

n these last few months I have stopped regularly speaking to most of my female friends so that she doesn’t feel uncomfortable and stopped going out with my male friends entirely for the same reason.

This is really unhealthy, OP, and does nothing but enable her insecurity and controlling beaviour. 

You are isolating yourself and slowly alienating everyone in your life but her. That's a bad path to embark on. Moving in together will make it worse. 

 

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, Caerfilthy said:

I’ve now been with my girlfriend for the last year and she’s always had underlying trust issues and insecurities, however recently I feel they have been getting worse.

I agree, do not move in together.  You two have a lot of problems as it is 😕 .

It has only been one year and you're losing friends & being controlled because of her.  This is not right at all.

This is what you get with someone who has such insecurities.  it is no good on you.

No one has the rights to control you in this way.  You don't stop dealing with your friends female or male because she doesn't like it. 

You have every right to have your friends and hang out with your buddies!  if she does not like it, that's her  problem. This is the wrong way to lose your friends.

You say it is getting worse?  Then speak up and tell her either she get some prof help for her issue's, or you walk.  That's it.  Either that or you will continue to be drained.

Maybe, you will realize that the only way you can deal with this is to end all.  In order for you to be able to socialize and her to deal with her issue's. ( I was this way back years ago.  it did me no good until I dealt with it).

 

[boltnrun]

There's nothing YOU can do to change her. She needs to decide on her own that she needs professional help for her insecure control freak behaviors. Compliments and acting affectionate are not going to change anything.

You can just live life like normal. She can either be on board or she can continue to be an insecure control freak. Her choice.