Same sex relationship step parent issues.

[rjalex]

My wife continually allows her 19 year old son to treat me with disrepect, he is disrespectful, lies, and spends about 95% of his time playing video games. He hasn't looked for work, zero motivation to take any initiative or responsibility. My wife doesn't take any measures to help. The worst is that she placates her son, doesn't acknowledge his poor behavior towards me and its been years worth of struggle that is causing me to have massive resentment and want out of this relationship. I need help desperately. 

[Andrina]

I'd ask her to attend marital counseling with you so that perhaps an impartial, skilled professional will have a positive effect. If she refuses to go, go to a counselor yourself to show your spouse the seriousness of the matter. 

If she sees the importance you're giving to the matter, it might be a wake up call to her.

The boy is not the only one disrespecting you. His mother is for allowing him to treat you like this, and the fact that a portion of your salary is going toward housing and feeding a lazy boy who hasn't been taught to respect his elders. I'd be considering divorce as well if none of the above works.

[rjalex]

Thank you Adrianna. I've poured my heart out to her and it's gone nowhere. I appreciate your feedback. This is my first attempt taking about it outside of my relationship.

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, rjalex said:

he is disrespectful, lies, and spends about 95% of his time playing video games. He hasn't looked for work, zero motivation to take any initiative or responsibility. 

Can he live with his father? 

[rjalex]

Not an option. Father bailed out 6 years ago specifying no interest in involvement. 

He's at an age where he can live independently, but that isn't going to happen when he doesn't work. 

[boltnrun]

If you knew for a fact that things will never change and he'll be living with you for free forever...what would you do then?

[rjalex]

I think I would have to move on. 

[Lambert]

25 minutes ago, rjalex said:

I think I would have to move on. 

Well, then it seems it's time to make some major decisions.

You tried and she isn't willing to work with you.  There's really one choice to make- live with it, leave.  

What we don't change we accept. You can't make her change but you can change the situation. 

[rjalex]

It breaks my heart. She says she is trying and she hears me but zero changes happen. No effort. 

[Lambert]

3 minutes ago, rjalex said:

It breaks my heart. She says she is trying and she hears me but zero changes happen. No effort. 

That is hurtful..  but actions have to match words in order them to not be lies and manipulations...  She's guilting you because she won't change.  She's the victim if you leave...

But she's not...  this is typical BS and not love.

[rjalex]

Reality can be such a bitter pill to swallow. 

It's eye opening. 

[Lambert]

27 minutes ago, rjalex said:

Reality can be such a bitter pill to swallow. 

It's eye opening. 

it is. I'm sorry. I've been there.  That moment when it hit me. Everything will be fine as long as I keep meeting their needs and forget mine. And how long they had manipulated the dynamic to be this way. Instance after Instance, going back years. 

I realized they need to do too much work on themselves to ever even understand what a crappy person they actually are. It could kill a person to hear my observations... that's when I was done. 

You deserve more.

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you're going through this.  Her son has to treat you with respect.  You are not his parent, you don't get to discipline, but he has to treat you with respect and follow basic house rules.  This is your home too.

[rjalex]

Thank you for the feedback.

I've never spoken about it to anyone but my wife, but clearly that's not getting me anywhere but bitter with her. It feels like a complete betrayal of my feelings. I've never allowed anyone, including her own son, treat her poorly. It's Instinctual. This is a lonely experience at best.

[catfeeder]

I would tell wife that I love her, and that's not going to change, even while I will no longer allow myself to be mistreated by anyone, much less in my own home. That's why I need to walk away while we still think highly of one another. We can negotiate down the road whether or when we might remain in contact or see one another outside of her household, but in the meantime I need to remove myself from this situation.

And that's as far as I'd go at the moment--no threats, no discussion of divorce. However, I would certainly seek legal advice given that in some locations it could protect me from any further debts if I file for legal separation, and there might be other legal protections that I should invoke. 

You can choose to view this as a bump in the road that might someday resolve itself if you look out for yourself and allow the chips to fall, or you can elevate this into a premature conclusion and react to it as such.

I would limit my own reaction to one of self interest and self protection, then I'd allow for the consequences of that to either motivate wife to step up--or not.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[rjalex]

Thank you. That is lots of food for thought. 

I've been so patient, yet still willing to try new ideas. 

Appreciated