My boyfriend has depression. What can I do?

[Honeycomb8]

My boyfriend goes through periods of depression and is currently pushing me away. He says he's been like this ever since he was a kid and goes through phases. He has medication but he doesn't take it. He says this doesn't affect his feelings for me, that his feelings are still the same and that his behaviour has nothing to do with me. 

I have been trying to keep myself upbeat but despite the fact that I am quite an independent person, I can't help feeling hurt when he doesn't communicate the way he used to. It's been really hard. 

I love him. He's an amazing guy, we have a very strong connection and he has so many qualities I adore, I'm not going to just give up. This isn't a thing where I'm asking if I should walk away because that's not what I want. I wanted to ask for people that has clinical depression or have known people with it, what can I do to be there for him? What are some things I can do to make things easier. 

These days he says he spends a lot of energy trying to keep himself together. 

Any thoughts will be appreciated.

 

 

 

[Seraphim]

YOU are not responsible for his mental health HE is. There is zero you can do when people don’t want to help themselves. My dad suffered from severe mental health issues which in turn gave me my own through abusive treatment. My husband has severe mental health issues but is medicated and doing great. I am medicated for mine. 
 

I already know there is nothing you can do for people who refuse to help themselves. 

[Lambert]

I think the best thing you can do is have strong boundaries. His depression is something he and he alone can work on.

Taking on any responsibility for another person's health, will destroy yours.

I would create strong boundaries. Mainly, if he is off his meds, I would not see him. 

A person should not be off their prescribed medications without the guidance of their doctor.  

My other boundary would be, they must stay in therapy and see a doctor regularly. 

Again, a person on a prescription for a doctor diagnosed condition needs to see a doctor, a therapist, regularly.

You do a person no favors enabling them to neglect their responsibilities. As a person's partner and closest to them, you have to hold them accountable. 

If you can't, then end it. it is better for you both.

Good luck.  I've been there. It's a tough path. 

 

[Honeycomb8]

I know, I just wanted to know what can I do to be there for him?

He has ADHD so takes meds for that (though personally I think I have a mild form of that too lol, but I don't need meds). He says the depression meds mutes his personality and he doesn't feel himself when he's on it. He's normally an extremely charismatic and hilarious guy, so dunno what the meds actually does? 

I'm not trying to change him, I just wanted to make things easier for him. 

 

[Seraphim]

My husband has severe ADHD as well and is not medicated for that he is however medicated for very severe anxiety ( it was so bad he used to pass out) and OCD. He has done well for many many years now. 

[Lambert]

2 minutes ago, Honeycomb8 said:

He says the depression meds mutes his personality and he doesn't feel himself when he's on it. He's normally an extremely charismatic and hilarious guy, so dunno what the meds actually does? 

Then he needs to go back to the doctor or find a new doctor that has a different idea for treatment.

Getting off the meds is wrong.

[Honeycomb8]

8 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I think the best thing you can do is have strong boundaries. His depression is something he and he alone can work on.

Taking on any responsibility for another person's health, will destroy yours.

I would create strong boundaries. Mainly, if he is off his meds, I would not see him. 

A person should not be off their prescribed medications without the guidance of their doctor.  

My other boundary would be, they must stay in therapy and see a doctor regularly. 

Again, a person on a prescription for a doctor diagnosed condition needs to see a doctor, a therapist, regularly.

You do a person no favors enabling them to neglect their responsibilities. As a person's partner and closest to them, you have to hold them accountable. 

If you can't, then end it. it is better for you both.

Good luck.  I've been there. It's a tough path. 

 

I don't want it to be make it a thing where he has to be one way. He says it's this period that's been especially bad. That it hasn't been as serious since his early 20's (he's late 20's atm). 

I just want to be there for him and not force him. I already told him I'm here if he needs me. 

[Honeycomb8]

6 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

My husband has severe ADHD as well and is not medicated for that he is however medicated for very severe anxiety ( it was so bad he used to pass out) and OCD. He has done well for many many years now. 

He has anxiety too. Lol it's funny because he always seemed soo confident and outgoing with me. He's actually in management and is one of those guys that was popular in school. I didn't expect things to be like this, but now things are how they are. 😞

 

 

[Lambert]

1 minute ago, Honeycomb8 said:

I don't want it to be make it a thing where he has to be one way. He says it's this period that's been especially bad. That it hasn't been as serious since his early 20's (he's late 20's atm). 

I just want to be there for him and not force him. I already told him I'm here if he needs me. 

I understand... but this is a mistake.

You're trusting a person with mental illness to make decisions for his own health. Which is fine because it's his life. But you have to be strong and not get dragged down in your own life.... 

This is a slippery slope, Honeycomb8.

You are taking on more than you can or should handle as a girlfriend. 

In order to be in a good relationship, you have to be and be with a good partner.

An unhealthy person, that is not taking care of themselves is not a good partner. 

He has to be motivated to help himself to be with you in the way you deserve. 

[Seraphim]

Like was said you need to make yourself NOT responsible for his mental health. The minute you do is the minute yours starts to decline. 
 

I watched my mom destroy herself “supporting” my dad. He never changed. She destroyed her physical health.

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, Honeycomb8 said:

He has anxiety too. Lol it's funny because he always seemed soo confident and outgoing with me. He's actually in management and is one of those guys that was popular in school. I didn't expect things to be like this, but now things are how they are. 😞

 

 

When we had our son I DEMANDED my husband deal with his mental health issues or I was gone with our child because what happened to me wasn’t happening to my child. My husband dealt with his issues. 

[Honeycomb8]

20 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I think the best thing you can do is have strong boundaries. His depression is something he and he alone can work on.

Taking on any responsibility for another person's health, will destroy yours.

I would create strong boundaries. Mainly, if he is off his meds, I would not see him. 

A person should not be off their prescribed medications without the guidance of their doctor.  

My other boundary would be, they must stay in therapy and see a doctor regularly. 

Again, a person on a prescription for a doctor diagnosed condition needs to see a doctor, a therapist, regularly.

You do a person no favors enabling them to neglect their responsibilities. As a person's partner and closest to them, you have to hold them accountable. 

If you can't, then end it. it is better for you both.

Good luck.  I've been there. It's a tough path. 

 

Did you know someone with depression? 

 

I've had depression but that was more breakup induced (cheating etc) so it's different isn't it. 

[Seraphim]

Lack of responsibility and lack of med compliance is the issue not the cause of the depression. 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Honeycomb8 said:

He has ADHD so takes meds for that. He says the depression meds mutes his personality and he doesn't feel himself when he's on it. He's normally an extremely charismatic and hilarious guy, so dunno what the meds actually does?

Keep the focus on yourself. Take the best care you can of your own mental and physical health. 

Do not try to help him. he doesn't want help and is noncompliant with medications. Does he have bipolar disorder? He likes his highs including the stimulating effects of ADHD medication

Sounds like he is mismanaging his own health. Step back give him space . You'll have to accept that he'll cycle like this and not really be there for you fully.

If t you want a part-time BF like this, you'll have to round out your life better. Work, school, a side hustle, groups, clubs, sports, friends, family interests, etc.

[Honeycomb8]

I have a full life and fortunately I've never been the clingy type haha. 

I dunno if he has bipolar, but his moods must fluctuate more than mine. 

Besides these problems he's wonderful. These things do not take away how great of a guy he is. 

I have been giving him some space. 

[Lambert]

8 minutes ago, Honeycomb8 said:

Did you know someone with depression? 

 

I've had depression but that was more breakup induced (cheating etc) so it's different isn't it. 

Yes. I have. 

Depression brought on by grief (of a breakup) is different.

Clinical depression is mental/medical illness that requires medical treatment.

A lay person (not a therapist etc) is not qualified to do anything to help. Just as you are not a dentist and should not pull a person's bad tooth.

[Honeycomb8]

5 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Yes. I have. 

Depression brought on by grief (of a breakup) is different.

Clinical depression is mental/medical illness that requires medical treatment.

A lay person (not a therapist etc) is not qualified to do anything to help. Just as you are not a dentist and should not pull a person's bad tooth.

I had two periods of depression that lasted around 1.5 yrs each time. What makes it that different? Feeling wise. 

[Seraphim]

2 minutes ago, Honeycomb8 said:

I had two periods of depression that lasted around 1.5 yrs each time. What makes it that different? Feeling wise. 

Someone with clinical depression may have a chemical imbalance and is not going to get better without changing the chemical balance of the brain . Being sad because of a break up or death is not the same thing . You recover with time and grieving and may need a bit of assistance but not chemical treatment. 

[LaHermes]

29 minutes ago, Honeycomb8 said:

I just wanted to make things easier for him. 

 

Only he can make things easier for himself by ensuring he has treatment.  Does he regularly see a psychiatrist?

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sounds like he is mismanaging his own health. Step back give him space . You'll have to accept that he'll cycle like this and not really be there for you fully.

This is what it is going to be like, OP.   Your choice.

[Batya33]

Similar background as to Seraphim -my father suffered for over 50 years but I don't have depression.  I had to and did forgive him when I was in my 30s.  He died 5 years ago.  Here's how my mother was there for him.  She made sure he stayed on his meds.  She made sure he saw his psychiatrist. 

When it was needed a couple of times she made sure he was hospitalized.  But I want to make this clear.  Made sure - meaning -he WANTED to help himself.  He agreed to the meds.  He agreed to therapy -she was there to support him in what he chose - support by encouraging him to stay on meds, to go to his appointments and yes he did not want to go to the hospital.  Who would? So in those times she pulled out all the stops and she made sure he went.  I was young for so much of this but I saw how she was his hero.  He would have been dead many years earlier (he died from severe Alzheimers in his 80s).  

It was a really hard life for her -imagine given the stigma in the 1970s raising two young girls and lying to all your friends and kids about why he was in the hospital.  No one to talk to.  Her parents were awesome with helping her with us but they didn't get it either - understandably -so little was known about mental illness/depression.  And the stigma.

I loved and respected my father.  He and I had a bond and had very similar values especially professional values. He had a really good heart and wow he was so sick starting in his teen years. 

Having said all that my advice is run.  Go. This person needs a therapist and probably meds.  This person is not meeting you at least halfway.  It's a hard life even if the person does but then for a certain type of person (like my mom) it can be a good life, a rewarding life.  I don't think she regrets her 62 years with him at all.  But wow does she love her freedom now.  I don't blame her one bit.  Please reconsider whether you want the kind of life where you're a slave to his depression and his bad health related choices.

[Honeycomb8]

No he doesn't. I think he's going to see a therapist sometime in the next couple of months. We are currently in lockdown so it doesn't help things lol. 

It hasn't been easy. But I really love him and I don't want to give up on this. He makes me very happy and is very special to me. 

 

 

 

 

[LaHermes]

Just now, Honeycomb8 said:

I think he's going to see a therapist sometime in the next couple of months

I was referring to a psychiatrist (a doctor), who will assess him and regulate the medication accordingly. 

[Honeycomb8]

I think it should be a psychiatrist as he mentioned something about getting meds. Or to see what needs to be updated. 

 

[Seraphim]

Just now, Honeycomb8 said:

I think it should be a psychiatrist as he mentioned something about getting meds. Or to see what needs to be updated. 

 

Correct psychiatrists handle medications but right now he thinks he knows more than a specialized medical doctor. Think about that. 

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, Honeycomb8 said:

I had two periods of depression that lasted around 1.5 yrs each time. What makes it that different? Feeling wise. 

And how did you treat your loved ones?